Courting Disaster

Reality is hospital beds
And clean white sheets
Watching moments with loved ones
Slip away in an instant…

It’s forging the new path uphill
Stone by stone
Should the current road
Throw me over the guard rails

The illusion of promises
That may not really exist.
Colorless moments
Commuting from here to there.

It’s the very real fear
That you could reject me
In spite of all the secret nights
We’ve shared together

And that makes me want to live
In this little room with you
Forever…
…but then what can we really be
If we don’t take a chance on reality?

Finally the day is over…
The chance to be with
My one great love
At last.
Racing home
As fast as my little bull will carry me
To be with you,
Pausing only to load up,
Blasting off like a rocket,
Forging through time and space
Pedal by pedal
Wind racing through my hair
Caressing,
Calming me like some wild creature
Yet I am powerful
Strong
Hungry
Indestructible.
Hours feel like nothing
And stopping is like slow death.

So utterly and madly devoted…
I never dreamed I would love you
With such all consuming passion..
Life flowing through spokes
and chains
and gears
As you and I become one with the road
Tires racing,
Soaring
Flying
Until the sun disappears
And even still I am here
Because I can’t bear to abandon you
I could go on like this for hours
Because stopping is like slow death…

You could be asleep
but even if you are sometimes
it doesn’t matter.
Is it really me you miss
or only just the attention
I always gave?
You are not so interesting anymore
Once you were strong
fierce
capable
a prize to be won
to be craved
lusted after
a stallion, hell on wheels
but I’m not going to chase anymore.
You’ve always known where I am
what I am
who I am
so where have you been?
Too busy filling my head with nonsense
then pulling the rug out from under my feet
and the only thing I feel like doing
is breaking my own heart all over again..

Chances are
I’ll probably wait here forever
seeking you out
my unresolved dream….
Flashes of light
stars glowing and quickly burning out
on the horizon
taking your place,
keeping me from you.
An illusion
that was good while it lasted
new focus, new perspective
a refresher course…
but now I want to make wishes come true
to find the light that will never go out
to dance with the partner
who doesn’t let go when the song ends
or fight or make me cry
or lie awake alone many sleepless nights
or make me wonder
or wish he was here with me
instead he will simply be

mine.

In my spare time
While trying to spin up
crazy rhymes,
I sing and dance
and rock out to
my favorite 70s bands

In my spare time
I sit and dream
of all the places
I’ve never seen
but a well written book
will send me there
much cheaper and faster
than any plane fare.

In my spare time
I watch old shows
wrapped in my warm fuzzy robe
and drink hazelnut coffee
and eat chocolate bars –
neither one with milk!
(Yuck!)

In my spare time
I walk alone
for hours at a time
I roam
The streets, cafes
old favorite haunts
just searching for
a glimpse of…what?

In my spare time
I watch the snow
and autumn leaves blow
and flowers grow
and wonder at the myriad
of things I was never
meant to know….

What do we do
That we haven’t already done
In all the days and years to come?
Too many things
That have and never been
Come back around and begin again..

The circle seems
To tighten its hold
Instead of letting me break the mold
Insanity is expecting
Different results
But it’s easier to cling to my faults..

Even though
your eyes shone briefly
when you first laid them
upon me
they burned out like stars
floating hollowly
long before you ever walked away.
I could only cry
I could never explain why
I simply needed to release the pain
Every thought
every word
that died upon your lips
was a secret
that you never shared with me.
But your emotions
your reactions
your eagerness to shove me aside
told me everything
I needed to know..

I sat here waiting
for the pain to disappear
but the cannons and rockets
have yet to fade away
It’s as if though
after the long hard day
the evening was never meant to come.
I’m tired of nursing all of the scars
on the road littered with shards
of broken hearts
on my way across the desert
to find the morning sun…

Secretly I hoped
You would come for me,
take me into your arms,
Your lap,
And kiss away every last trace
Of the last 15 years.
You keep telling me
there is more to you than this
More to us
Than you ever let on
Love contained in the passages of the books
You never allowed me to read –
Untouched leaflets of your heart
Tucked away for safe keeping
Yet when I call your name
Only the wind answers
Except when you crave me,
Leather and lace,
Tightening the bonds
So I could never escape
And without you,
Where would I go anyway?
What would become of me,
What could I really be
If I were not made of pain?