One hectic start to 2026. Have you had snow? Ice? We were all hoping for peaceful, calm start to a new year – and – NO! Do you know why I want to go and see the movie “Hamnet”? Everyone is promising me a real good cry. When I see what world leaders are doing, I feel like crying – I am sure I am not the only one. Revolutions, military invasions, threats to security, the list goes on. Thank goodness we have a real rescue mission underfoot. We have seen what Almighty Intelligence can do more than a few times. Jack is in a country I would prefer for him not to be in, but so far, I am amazed to hear how well he is being taken care of. He thought he would be roughing it on this assignment. But there is so much kindness and generosity among our volunteers, even in lands in economic turmoil.
While we wait, doing our best to do what is right, what is good, what is wise – and sometimes, feeling as if we are just about holding with all out might to the basics – pausing for breath is important. I have had a really odd weekend. Due to weather, my commitments were changed. Which has meant I could make a headstart in all aspects of spring cleaning. My world is sparkly and orderly – bliss. I have been able to rest this afternoon and am feeling at so chilled. I am actually looking forward to work tomorrow as there is nothing left for me to clean in the nest.
I have to admit, I was pleased with the brilliant boss this week (the truth is, although I was really cross a couple of months ago, I have always been extremely impressed by the brilliant boss). He gave me some work, and gave sufficient indication he was pleased with work I have been doing, and gave me the “ok” to work I have become involved in that has a loose connection to our team. So, I am occupied – and that is a great feeling. I am still not sure what to do about a lovely team mate who doesn’t seem to want to involve me in anything. All I can do is enjoy their company. I am going to leave work out of it. So, I am just cracking on with the work I love, and going out and making myself useful to anyone who looks as if they would appreciate a little help. It is interesting to me. Variety is fabulous.
In other news… wow, Jack has come through for me. He has been expressing my extraordinary thirst for more voluntary work. I am signed up to so much work throughout the spring and summer – my heart is leaping. It is such a joy to work with people from all nations and all cultures who are beautiful – beautiful. I am blessed. It’s also official – AI – we have gone on record to say no artificial intelligence will be needed. We have a different sort of AI – if you know what I am talking about, then you know. If you don’t – for goodness sake – catch up! There is a reason why many millions are full of hope – no matter how scary the movie is, they have read the book – and they know how this story ends.
What does it mean when someone makes a big song and dance to everyone that they are not religious – they make a point of stating how far far from religious they are – but then they come to work throughout December wearing hard-to-miss jumpers inspired by a religious festival, they make a big performance of decorating a tree, a symbol of the same religious festival, and they sing along with all of the seasons crooners on the radio, and immerse themselves in every religious festivity going?
Is it a bit of a Pick ‘n’ Mix approach to what you believe? What you stand for?
I don’t consider myself religious – although I don’t talk about it in open. I don’t want to confuse or offend anyone. I am not comfortable in churches. I don’t even like going to see their art and architecture. They just don’t appeal to me. But I do love the scriptures. I love the scriptures dearly. I believe that humans are not qualified to govern independently of their Creator. I am convinced that Christ is a superior King to any human ruler (some of whom are frankly disturbing) – look what he is already doing in terms of educating his followers. I love creation. I love people and their capacity for amazing qualities. I don’t like commercial entities making cash out of people’s beliefs. I think I feel just a bit like Jesus did when he was in the temple and saw the money changers and those selling animals at extortionate prices to people who were sincere and in earnest. Yeah… I guess that is how I feel about the spectacle that is put on throughout December.
But it seems really odd that someone who would make such a big song and dance to everyone about not being religious would be upset that not many people were interested in the festivities. I think we were all just looking forward to being with our families and having a rest, so we kept our heads down most of the month to clear our work before we escaped.
Since my first paid employment 28 years ago, I have worked in several sectors. It was not a deliberate traversing of fields. My life has been centered on one career – an unpaid career. Wherever I was assigned as a volunteer, I needed to find a job in order to gather some income. I needed to cover the cost of my living expenses. I manage my funds carefully, so I have been able to work part-time for most of my life. Indeed, it was 2023, when I first accepted a contract enslaving me to “office hours” over five days a week. I am sure I was accomplishing a lot more when I worked part-time – more energy, more enthusiasm, less office workplace politics to slow me down.
During those 28 years, I have worked in part-time paid roles in corporate finance, the health service, the legal field, and the construction industry – I have filled all sorts of administrative and supervisory roles. But they were all secondary to my career. Yet, those roles provided some useful experience – and some of the knowledge and skills I picked up have been useful to the organisations I work for on an unpaid basis. It has been interesting to gain perspective and insights into the operations and governance within different sectors.
Although, make no mistake, the education and training provided by the charities I have been honoured to serve with has been superior by far. It was more often the case that paid employers recognised I had acquired experience in teaching, training, public speaking, presenting, reporting, coordinating, counselling, communicating, planning, budgeting, purchasing, entertaining, and crisis management that they were not expecting. They sometimes did not know what to do with me, because I was not in a paid role that required that level of experience. There was one company I worked with who found all sorts of obscure engagement campaigns or one-off projects to assign me to – that was fun and helped ease the general dullness of a paid job. There are no dull days working with international organisations whose area of operations embrace the entire world population and focus primarily on those who have been unable to access training and education. We are organised and equipped and effective. The energy and enthusiasm do not waver when your purpose is so clear and motivating.
I have started studying a course recently, which has a lot of familiar content. I noticed the repeated use of a word “remedy”. This word is one that I have heard and used frequently in the health service context. In the course I am currently studying, it is used throughout the section on law, especially in relation to contract law. So rather than a medicinal treatment, when I see the word “remedy” I now think of legal reparations or compensation.
It made me think about the world. I was talking to a couple recently (strangers to me) who started to tell me about a rather frightening experience they endured just over a week ago with a gang of teenagers who were very intimidating. They were pretty sure that that one in particular was under the influence of drugs and the way he spoke and behaved towards them really shook them. The couple said they no longer felt safe to leave their home after dark falls.
They voiced perhaps what they intended as a string of rhetorical questions – along the lines of “how can young people do such terrible things?”, “is it the parents that are to blame?”, and “what is the world coming to?” Of course, for me they are pertinent questions that deserve a reply, so I proceeded to answer them. This world is malady-stricken with a malevolence that is understandably scary. There are young people and older people who do not live according to the law of love and whose consciences have fallen silent, due to being calloused, branded by an enjoyment of wrong, of cruelty or violence. Yes, not all live for goodness and kindness. That is pretty obvious. While it is uncomfortable to condemn any one beyond reform, the concern is that there are many who are already well along a course of wrong that seem to be allowed to dwell and indulge in harmful thoughts. They view harmful content and they enjoy it. It is becoming ingrained within them and influencing their attitudes and behaviours.
What is the remedy to this illness? To offset the damaging content, there is a huge need to combat such with clean, good, upbuilding and powerful content that nourishes and fortifies – reaching the heart, stirring the conscience.
The legal application of the word “remedy” really provoked my thoughts. I often think about law and the office of a judge in the highest courts, the supreme courts. When the verdict over an act has consequences that are so pervasive and profound they may well end up being considered by the highest of courts with the most experienced of judges. Have you heard the adage “for every right there is a remedy, where there is no remedy there is no right”? It’s one of those jurisprudence mantras that will keep you thinking all night long.
When Adam chose to reject the law of his Creator – the damages caused were astronomical. The remedy required would be immense. The corresponding ransom paid was the most precious and costly. For those who appreciated what has been paid out to provide a legal basis for the breach to be restored, it is deeply humbling to know that someone chose to love billions, many of whom don’t know of the price paid for them to have a hope. The even more remarkable point is that He made that choice before Adam became a father. Yes, the choice was made to provide a remedy for those who had not even taken a breath of life. The scale of this love and generosity is incalculable.
I know a lot of people will set goals for the new year ahead – and goal setting can be a sensible thing to do. But more important than goals is the purpose which shapes our life, our decisions, our attitudes, our habits, and more. I read something yesterday which has been on my mind ever since. It is a section from a letter written to a group of men and women who lived in the ancient city of Corinth. Paul (who was a lawyer) wrote that due to knowing about the compensation paid out in our behalf and the love which prompted this priceless gift, those that live should no longer live for themselves, but for him who gave his life for them.
It’s not about a list of optimistic resolutions. Its a completely different mindset – one that is manifest by living life the way the one who gave his life would have lived it . There is a lot to think about and identify how to live in such a way that shows appreciation for this gift.
The remedy is and always was more than equal to the right. The remedy provides a firm reason for joy that the malady will be cured and the breach will be repaired. We have a legal basis for hope that just a little while longer…
This time of year means something different to everyone. Perhaps it is of great religious import to you. Perhaps it is one big booze-up. Perhaps it is hanging out in your jammies watching films. Some just want to linger in the momentary feeling that the world has stopped working and while they are off, nobody is sending them emails to catch up on. Many of us celebrate being together with family or loved ones.
I have lots of family. Lots. Of course – we are all related somehow – all of us – but when I refer to my family, I am talking about the 250 or so of us closely connected (four generations of siblings, cousins and connections through marriage) who are in regular contact, see each other socially, update each other via calls, on the family WhatsUp group and emails that we are all copied into. A lot of us also work together as volunteers, so we are often assigned to the same or similar projects and attend the same training sessions – which can be funny.
We are quite a tribe – and I love it. This time of year is not the most convenient for us – we are a family who thrive in the summer. Winter means more work for us, especially those in the family who work in the medical, healthcare or emergency services – we are a useful bunch. But some of us will have time away from work, and then there are the children who are off school for two weeks. So of course, any time to be with each other is priceless to us. We are hoping to see quite a lot of family over the next four days – which will be lovely.
Italian tomorrow. Indian Friday. I have heard there will be soup and crusty bread served up after our trek in North Wales – I am not sharing where in case everyone turns up. It’s just real family time without the gimmicks or fairy lights. Just good old joy and laughter and fun – with rosy cheeks from all of the walking and a belly full of happiness. With 250 close family, we skip the shopping and gifting. Nobody in our family faces a credit card bill in January. We are a sensible bunch who just love life and have mastered the art of having fun on a shoestring budget – feeding scores of family members is quite a feat.
But Jack and I are also on call again using one phone – we are taking a couple of hours each for the next four days – roughly two hours on, two hours off. I won’t share anything personal anyone has said when they called. But I have been thinking a lot about Annabelle Riley – the fictional character whose journey is told in three of the books at the bottom of the page (if you are looking at the website – you won’t see them of course in the WordPress Reader, so here they are).
Annabelle in New York. I have been thinking about her movements on this day. Flying into LaGuaria Airport. Restless and pensive, so much hope and dread surrounding the knowledge she would see her family the next day. She has put so much effort and preparation into the gifts and messages for her relatives. She wanders the streets of Manhattan gazing at spectacular festive light displays. Yet the darkness is hovering, waiting to pounce.
“Being out in the open, walking along bustling streets, enjoying the lights, snuggling her face into the folds of her soft scarf, sipping a gingerbread latte, all brought little stabs of pleasure. Robin often told her that life is about pleasure, making every moment enjoyable. He described it as wholesome hedonism. That notion was something she found untrustworthy, except during the bleakest time of year. Freezing temperatures and gloomy grey skies, caused her to crave comfort and warmth and living for the sake of pleasure started to make perfect sense.”
Finch, Melody. We Hide What We Hate About Ourselves: Part One Of The LEARNERS AT LOVE Series (pp. 245-246). Kindle Edition.
Of course twenty-fours later, the sense of disappointment and humiliation is all consuming. Her desperate prayer, her bitterness and loneliness when nothing seems to happen. New York is a harsh blow to her, one that dents the progress she has made. Where is Robin when she needs him? Even Chris and Dean – though they care, they cannot cure the heart ache. She is left enfeebled, brittle enough to shatter into a million pieces.
The rage within at not being heard when she was begging in prayer, was intense. She caught sight of a claret coloured book sitting on the ledge beside the bed. Realizing what it must be, she lurched towards it, placing her hand on it and hurled it across the room. Then seeing what she had done, Annabelle immediately felt guilt and shame surge through her. She jumped off the bed and ran to pick the Gideon Bible that she had just flung against the opposite wall.
Finch, Melody. We Hide What We Hate About Ourselves: Part One Of The LEARNERS AT LOVE Series (p. 259). Kindle Edition.
I included something in Annabelle’s story that was personal to me (which as an author, you have the liberty of). When Annabelle reads the account of Luke – she is struck with the same astonishment and wonder that I felt when I first read those dramatic and detailed pages. Yeah – like Annabelle in that New York hotel room, I think I am going to make some time to curl up and read and visualise an account that is gripping and leaves me full of questions and yearning for more.
It fills me with confidence that there is someone so much more powerful than those who are filling us with fear and foreboding. The sense of knowing who to trust, who to keep focused on in a turbulent world, who is still imparting power, teaching, inspiring and educating many millions almost 2000 years since he walked the earth. Think about it – more people every day tune in to read his words than those who listen to any of the twittering or empty blagging and boasting rulers of this world. He is ruling in their midst. He is ruling. He is shaping people’s outlook and values. He is educating people. He is still the most influential and powerful man – indeed, the greatest man – who has ever lived. In this modern age of television and internet – many millions feel a much stronger connection to and a much stronger sense of trust in someone who walked the earth over 2000 years ago far and above any modern ruler. That makes the hairs stand up on my neck. Whether they realise it or not, the reality is that he is ruling in their midst and he is trusted far more than they are.
They are making a big sparkly show of celebrating his birth. Their commercial systems exult in the financial prosperity this month brings in. The one who has been appointed as King and Judge and who will soon remove their power – they are throwing themselves into a glittering spectacle of celebrating his birth. It’s a bit bizarre. Those rulers are difficult to trust and when they turn their coats it will not be a surprise. I do trust the man – the greatest man who ever lived. I trust he knows how to undo the damage. I trust him even more now that he has incredible power and yet is able to exhibit self-control while he educates his people and waits until the time he is authorised by his Creator to fully exercise the authority he has been invested with. The reality of his wisdom and justice is matchless.
As for me, I am finding the best way to deal with what I read in the news which is crushing, is to turn to accounts like that of Luke, and remind myself that he is ruling in their midst and there are millions of people in every land and island, of every language and culture, who obey him as their King. They know and live their lives with conviction that he is ready to act at the right time, the time when nobody will be in doubt that his intervention is just and righteous. If ever there was a reason to celebrate – it has to be the knowledge that a mighty King is in our midst.
Have you ever had responsibility for a child whilst walking along the pavement? The child seems to have ten times more energy than you do, so skips and dances and climbs over every balustrade and runs ahead, so that you can barely see them, making out as if they will keep on running into the sunset. It is quite frightening to have that responsibility. Well, that is my experience. I quickly abandoned all and started to call out at the top of my voice: “Slow down!!! Stop for the road!!!”
It could be a road, or a stream, or a cliff edge – whatever it is, you are terrified that the energetic but inexperienced child in your care is going to end up hurt. How much you need the child to heed your voice, your direction, your warnings. How much you need that child to listen, obey (same meaning as listen) and trust you.
I was talking to my Dadda last night. I told Dad, I sometimes feel like that child. I have energy and enthusiasm at work – heaps. There feels like there is nowhere near enough work to fill my appetite to learn and be useful. But sometimes, I think it is not so much that there is no work, but rather that the brilliant boss knows he cannot give me the work. I am like that child. Sigh. I wish I could grow and not feel so infantile.
I am craving direction and decisions from him at the moment. I have been throwing myself in to some of my work (encouraged mainly by our external consultants who are very encouraging to me and send me more emails in one day than the brilliant boss sends me in a month, and call me on the phone at least once a day to ask questions and talk plans, which again is striking in comparison with the meager time I have to talk to the brilliant boss – don’t think I am criticising the brilliant boss – I think very very highly of him – he is just so busy). But sometimes I feel as if I reach the road, the stream, and sometimes the cliff-edge. I know I need the brilliant boss to direct me before I go any further and end up in calamitous consequences.
In other news – I sometimes over-share. Confessions – I do this all of the time. But sometimes, I share something about my life that others probably have no idea how to react to. Sometimes I drop my guard and blurt something out – I think I did it today. I felt a tiny bit embarrassed when I noticed what looked like a smirk, but then I thought, “what on earth do I need to be embarrassed about?” The first year after I was attacked was tough for a number of reasons, one of which was seeing my family struggle with confusion when they mentioned events and people that meant nothing to me. It became clear I had gaps in my memory. I remember childhood in glorious technicolour. My twenties are fuzzy. I know there is a lot there in my brain, and at times, random memories form and leave me wondering for hours or days.
The memory thing – it is just a feature that sometimes has been perplexing to me, not distressing to me. My family have been upset at times. But what do I do? Just keep living. That is what I have done. The brain is incredible. If I need those memories – I doubt they are irretrievable. For now, there are plenty of wonderful memories that impel me.
But I feel no sense of embarrassment or apology about the person I am after I was attacked. Yes, there may have been some harm done, but I am immensely proud of the woman who survived that night. Even a hint of a smirk because I innocently overshared a throwaway comment about memory – it is not appreciated. Anyway, it does not make me think less of the person. I still think they are the bee’s knees.
I am in love. You already knew that. Jack is so good to me. He is kind through and through – in his thoughts, his feelings, his words, his deeds. He exhibits kindness to a superlative degree.
He was reading some of my posts and he sat me down (with the obligatory cup of tea) and asked me to think about what I had written. Well, there was one particular paragraph in my last post he pointed to. He complimented me that I can express my feelings with flare. He knows I would never resort to cursing someone, using profanity or malicious expressions. But at the same time, he said I was not being kind. He said that is not me.
I know. I know Jack. I have not felt very kind recently. I have been upset, really upset, disappointed, humiliated, insulted, excluded, offended, frustrated, annoyed and angry. I have not felt very kind at all.
Jack held my hands and waited until I looked up. He said to me, “You are beautifully kind, which is why I know you will regret that paragraph.” Within twenty seconds, the paragraph was removed.
Even when Jack is disappointed in me, he has such a kind way of drawing it to my attention and reasoning with me. He said to me the other day, “you are upset because you love your work, you love working with the Head of Department, you have such high hopes about this job – it matters to you, you are upset because you care.”
I have something good to share, and it feels really good to be able to share it. This week, I had a lovely day with someone I have been working with – it really did feel like teamwork. I love teamwork. It felt as if we were complementing each other, supporting each other, contributing to each other’s work, recognizing each other’s contribution. It was a really good day. I left feeling glad to have worked alongside each other.
Back to Jack. He knows I have been sad. He has been making it his aim to make me laugh and smile. But when you are sad, you don’t feel inclined to laugh. I have laughed in a half-hearted way, and he knows that. But he has not given up. I keep opening drawers and cupboards and finding little messages from him designed to cheer me up. How sweet is that?!!
What he has done, which has made the biggest difference, is tackle the root of the issue. Why does it hurt so much when I encounter this particular sort of disappointment? Because I have been through this pain before, in a different context. When rumours were circulating about Jack and me back in 2013 – 2015, it effected the work I loved. I remember being aware that I was viewed differently. It still hurts to the point I don’t want to recollect and write about it at the moment. Though over a decade ago, the feelings are so fresh. The pain of being separated from my career is immense. So, Jack has been arranging for me to be part of more projects to keep me busier in 2026, and to ensure I am involved, and able to feel useful. I love him for discerning the issue and in an impartial way, doing what is in the power of his hand to ease the pain.
Anyway, back to Jack. I have the greatest possible consolation prize: Jack – the kindest man in the whole wide world. How can I be sad when I am so blessed?
Have you ever thought about the way window cleaners work? Let me tell you right now, it is far from wishy-washy. I have had the honour of spending many hours working as a window cleaner alongside my Dadda (now retired), and also with one of my sisters and her husband who have a window cleaning round in the rural area they live.
A window cleaner knows their work well – they have to. They know the property, how many windows there are to clean, how long it will take to complete the work, any factors that would make some of the windows particularly hazardous to access, whether their customer asks for extras such as cleaning fascias or the inside of the windows, or whether their customer particularly notices the fine details, such as wiping the sills to an immaculate standard (with the switch to reach and wash systems, cleaning sills on upper floors is no longer optional). Some customers expect a window cleaner to work around their schedule and arrive at their property at a particular time, and then sometimes customers will have the nerve to ring a window cleaner 15 minutes before that time and cancel. A window cleaner has to take into account geographical, logistical, time, fuel, and other resource related factors and determine how much to charge a customer for the service provided. A window cleaner also comes to know how quickly their customers pay them. Window cleaners have sometimes had to go the extra mile to remind their customers that the are still owed.
To be a successful window cleaner – you simply cannot take a wishy-washy approach. Some customers will be dropped because of their behaviours and habits – whether that is scheduling, late payments or pedantic complaints. But let’s focus on the window-cleaner – they like many others who work in practical trades – are organised, efficient, industrious business people.
I have grown up learning from my Dadda the qualities and outlook and habits that make not only a successful window-cleaner, but also a successful business person. It was my choice to concentrate all I had learnt, not on businesses that have a goal of making a profit, but on non-for-profit organisations – registered charities. Let me tell you, the charities I work with are far from wishy-washy – they are organised, efficient, industrious and communication is at the highest standard I have seen in any organisation – they are masters of both internal and external communications, leaving the attempts of many profit-focused businesses looking amateurish. They make it clear… this is the task, this is why we are doing it, this is how we are doing it, but there is plenty of room for your initiative and ingenuity within these parameters, this is the time-scale within which we need to do it. It’s all clear… and it is all translated multiple times so that we are united – we all know what we are doing and we all know where we can inject creativity and energy to contribute to results that are stunning.
So when you work within a business and you come across wishy-washy areas – whether that is people who don’t seem to have a clear idea in their own mind of what work should look like, resulting in wishy-washy communications – without clearly explaining what the task is, why we are doing it, how we are doing it (allowing room for initiative and ingenuity) and the time-scale within which we need to complete it – or worse – them telling you in September, so long as this is done before February it is fine, and then out of the blue them saying “how are you getting on with that task, if you don’t have the capacity (CAPACITY being another infuriatingly over-used corporate buzzword that most people use to indicate they cannot be bothered to make time for what you have asked them to do unless you come up with a very good reason – because let’s face it, all of us know how to manage our time to make sure important tasks are completed) then I will complete the task as we need it by 5pm today” – which just makes you wonder, when did “so long as it is done by February” turn into a hard deadline of today by 5pm? What? That wishy-washy approach to scheduling, prioritising, communications – it’s nonsensical. Don’t mess around with the time-frames and deadlines without a reason. Make it clear from the start.
I am having to fight irritation every day. The brilliant boss has become a lifebuoy. I think he can see what is happening. I don’t want to draw his attention to it. I want to focus on my work and the chance to learn and develop technical knowledge which I hope will be useful – that is the aim, to pick up useful technical knowledge to allow decades of experience in other sectors – from window-cleaning to clinical governance, from finance to event-organizing, from teaching/training to website design and content creation, from counselling to coordinating construction projects… the savvy and style (which people I work with keep referring to as “soft skills” – which tells me they think they are worthless) blended with the technical knowledge – one would hope that eventually, they will produce something that is deemed worthwhile. There are too many days when none of the people I share an office with say anything to me about work – they talk about the weather, or the parking facilities, or coffee (all the usual office chatter topics) but make it clear their work is not something they see me as relevant to. So, my focus is on those within other departments – the real workers, the real grafters – who I know are instrumental, and who need to be told exactly that and have access to key decision makers. I am also provided tasks by external contacts – and I am grateful to them for interesting work.
I often close my laptop thinking – WISHY-WASHY. Hiring someone, paying them a salary, and then not making it clear what they are there for – except to “smile” – it’s so wishy-washy, and it leaves me struggling to maintain my smile. The brilliant boss is the only person I interact with who seems capable and willing to provide clear direction and a framework – but he is busy and although he seems genuinely kind and approachable, I ration my questions so that I can go to him with the really important stuff. There are less important questions, which I fear I am muddling through at times. Only, the feedback I hear from people on other teams (who I don’t actually work with, but take the time to liaise with wherever possible as I think they need to know how valuable they are) and also from our external contacts when I share something I have been working on is that it is incredibly useful to them.
That makes me think I am in the wrong role. I think I would be more useful in a supporting role to a brilliant boss who was more involved in operations. I love the operational noise. I love operations – it is fascinating to me. I have a made a commitment until at least June that is specific to my current role. I keep my commitments. But if there is no change – I am going to look at roles that would make more sense and avoid this wishy-washy scenario. Wishy-washy working environments are uncomfortable for people who have been working with style, skill, discernment, dynamism, efficiency and effective communication for decades. It should be clear within a working environment – what is the task/decision? why? how? when? with some indication on where there is flexibility, or a reason to think the deadline could jump forward by two months without warning, and where there is scope for creativity and initiative, but clearly marked boundaries.
A clear view – through a freshly cleaned window is a joyous thing indeed. A clear view within a working environment enables and lays the basis for productivity and accomplishment – work progresses and is completed – because of clear coordination. People know what the task assigned to them is, why it is important, how to do it if required or whether the “how” is all up to them within certain limits, and when – when, when, when we need to complete tasks.
If you are working – whether as a sole trader, within a partnership, company, organisation in any sector – address areas that are currently WISHY-WASHY – and bring both satisfaction, results, and joy to everyone involved.
I have wanted to write all week. I was very much wrapped up for four days while I was on call… which all starts again tomorrow at midnight.
There is so much that people have shared with me for the four days I was taking calls from service users. People are amazing – really really amazing. I feel humbled by the courage and resilience, the hope and ingenuity of people. I am so blessed to receive calls from people who end up inspiring me probably more than I help them.
But I am going to be honest… I felt as if I needed to talk to someone by the end of those four days. It’s purely the accumulation of little things… well, some of them of them not so little. The situation with work (lack of work and lack of direction) bruised me, bruised my ability to trust. The brilliant boss has restored so much of that damaged trust – he really is very brilliant. I am grateful for him. But the situation is clearly not going to go away. So, I just need to keep my focus on work that is available to me and on him, and the potential that accessing crumbs from him will add up.
That’s not what I wanted to talk about though… that is just the reason every little heartbreak and disappointment in my life keeps popping up. Just right now… I am thinking about my miscarriage. It’s a long time ago… 2019 I miscarried. She was tiny…. just the size of an apricot. I am thinking about her and what it would have been like had she been here now.
I have been thinking a lot about the night I was attacked – it’s normally summer that I am reminded. But recently, people keep on and on and on about birthdays, and it keeps bringing the memories back of this monster mouthing those words into my ear while he held me down and did what he did. I hate it. I hate that memory. You cannot really ask people not to say that word, not to put in front of me. But over ten years later, someone puts a card in front of me and asks me to sign it and I feel my gut clench with terror and fury.
I have thought a lot recently about friends, really really great friends who I have lost over the years. Mainly cancer. But I wish, I really wish I had them in my life for times when I need to talk. The laughter is what I remember. They still make me smile when I think of all the fun we had. I miss them.
I have been thinking about the bomb that exploded on my first shopping trip that destroyed the city centre and the shop I had been inside a short time earlier. The thought of being in that space and it being a mound of rubble an hour or so later. It’s strange to contemplate the desire of some to hurt and harm other people. It’s beyond any comprehension.
That’s when I think I need some help to make sense of these things. I have found a website that is feeding me. It is feeding me a rich, meaningful, delicious, upbuilding banquet – and reading and listening and contemplating upon this wealth of information that helps me make sense of all these things, it’s a balm for the soul, it’s fortifying my heart, it’s making me want to laugh and sing and rejoice that all this pain will soon be forgotten. I love it when they refer to the words, and so many people interviewed use these words as their favourite verse… “He will wipe every tear from their eyes.” Isn’t that beautiful?
Isn’t that also one of the most intimate things you have heard. Has another person ever come close to you and wiped your tears from your eyes? I know my parents did when I was a child. Jammy has, Goldfinch has, Jack has. I have had friends too, who have seen me shed a tear or two … they probably did not wipe my eyes, but they gave me a hug, or a tissue. But when someone actually wipes your tears, it is a very intimate act. So, when the Creator, the Sovereign of the Universe, the One who does not delegate the hearing of prayer to anyone else, not even his beloved son, says that He will wipe every tear from our eyes. Wow – that’s incredibly personal. That says to me that He sees everything we go through. He longs to end the pain. He is deeply moved by the courage and resilience, and hope and ingenuity of people that though imperfect are amazingly precious in His eyes.
It’s making my tears brim over again – He is feeding me. I have no doubt.
Do you know who Dr Marcia Fieldstone is? Some of you will instantly recognise the name of one of the most famous radio hosts in movie history. She was of course rather annoying and invasive to Sam (after his son Jonah called the show and shared how his father was impacted by the loss of Maggie). But although not invited by Sam, to her credit, Dr Marcia manages to keep him on the line (live to the city of Seattle) and ends up planting seeds in Sam’s consciousness that start a chain reaction – of course all of this is overheard by thousands of callers, many of whom are women, and one of whom is Annie.
It might seem outdated for someone to end up calling a radio show and sharing what they are struggling with, whether it is grief or despair, heartache, shame, fear… whatever it is… and it happens, it is happening all the time, and for some reason this time of year seems to stir and intensify some of the most painful of human feelings. But people do need to talk, even if they think they don’t. In some cases, not talking can be cataclysmic. So who do they talk to?
It is not unusual to find yourself in a situation where it is not really feasible or productive to talk to a family member or friend, (even if they would like to feel you could speak to them about anything – sometimes, you know very well that it would not work). There are a considerable number of options… but phone numbers where you can just dial a free number and talk to someone who does not know you, will not judge you or interrupt you… and will actually feel privileged to be the person receiving your call – these services are life-savers.
So… as of midnight, I am on call.
The calls I receive come from our service users, who know there is a number they can call if they need to talk. By 9am, but I had received calls from eleven service users already. That is more than one an hour of course. I will be on call until the end of Tuesday (midnight again). Jack looked concerned about the number of calls and I heard him speaking with one of our IT support team to ask for some statistical information so he could understand why I was receiving so many calls, who else was receiving calls, the total volume of calls etc. He said to me that we are seeing peak numbers of calls. That does not really surprise me, although I normally see more calls as we get further into December. It is still November, and yet we are receiving record numbers of calls. Jack has arranged for me to have a complete four hour break, (after which I will be available again but calls should be quieter until around 4pm) so I can rest. Daylight is quieter for calls than darkness, so now is the time to rest.
I would never anything I had heard on a call. But it was a night during which I sensed grief, the pain of loss, the difficulty at seeing anything beyond the loss. I am wondering what to expect over the past month. Last year, there were a lot of service users overwhelmed with world conditions, political developments, and work environments they despised. When the phone rings, you are never really sure what you will hear. The array of situations and challenges I have encountered… my mind buzzes with thoughts of those I have heard from.
Sixteen days – I am on call during sixteen days of a five week period. It is a way to say thank you – thank you to those that care and have cared and to show how much I care. It is a way to say that I believe we are a human family and we owe it to each other to make time to listen and be prepared to lend a hand when needed. I don’t always know what to say in all honesty, but I don’t need to. I just need the person who rang to know that at that moment, they have all of my attention, that there is nothing in the universe more important to me at that moment than they are, and that I am listening to every word, every pause, every sob. We will get through this month which seems to be so difficult for so many people. Spring is not far away.
Jack is ever so good at cheering my spirits when I am deflated. But what makes me laugh is how he resorts to different tactics when it is clear not much is having an effect. He knows there is a battle in progress. A battle I want to fight because of the love I feel for… well the people and work that are worth fighting for. But nonetheless, a battle that is exhausting to me.
So, early this morning he started singing “Don’t surrender, surrender, surrender. Remember, remember December.” Well… I can see what he is trying to do. He is trying to remind me of the battle he and I won. December 2019 was the month we finally were brave enough to let the secret slip that we were dating (a word that means different things to different people but in our case, we had made a prior decision to commit to each other in demonstrable ways) – and with some parties it went down like a lead balloon. People had taken sides long before, and those on my side thought Jack was the enemy. People on his side – I dread to think what they had labelled me. But Jack and I knew otherwise. We just had never had the opportunity to be alone and to talk. Most of the time we were alone that is exactly what we were doing – talking – reestablishing trust. The physical stuff was not allowed to happen until we both felt safe.
Restoring trust is like trying to move along a treacherously icy road. You proceed with due caution. One false move and catastrophe and pain awaits.
We overcame a monumental challenge – and it was monumental. I am not sure anybody else would grasp the scale of damage that occurred between 2013 – 2015, and then the scale of suffering between 2015 and pretty much right up to the point Jack picked up the phone in September 2019… although there was no overnight cure. We just needed time to work it out. But it’s hard to hide a secret like that for long.
It was tiring to work on healing the breach – oh goodness, I was so tired, I could have easily have given up. It was Jack who was fighting hardest, determined not to surrender. He took the fact I was willing to listen and willing to meet with him as a glimmer of hope. When Jack has hope in something, it energizes him. He saw the victory ahead. He saw (before I even saw) that I wanted peace, I wanted joy, I wanted trust. I did not want separation or heartbreak. I wanted restoration. He had figured out long before that the mistake that we had made (or maybe he had made) was jumping to conclusions in his own mind and then being bewildered when after many months of frustration (which he arrogantly – sorry Jack – presumed was sexual tension) and confusion and hurt, my words and behaviour indicated he had it very wrong.
Even worse, and probably the most destructive element was that Jack listened to other people, and I suppose I may have done the same. So, other people, particularly other men, told Jack what to think of Melody Finch. Huge mistake. Huge, huge, huge mistake – other people, other men, who knew next to nothing about me were telling Jack what to think of me “she is crazy about you”, “you should play it cool”, “it’s probably just her hormones making her act weird – maybe she’s on her period”. Grrr – how infuriating that Jack listened to them.
In what way? Well, Jack is used to his fans being in love with him. So, mistakenly, he seemed to assume there was a good chance I was in love with him – especially when I started cleaning up after him in the apartment. So whilst I was muttering under my breath about the mess he had left, he thought “she’s crazy about me”. When I was in tears about being called a slut or a whore on social media accounts, he thought “she wants me so bad, it’s really chewing her up, I should make a move”. For a long time, Jack deluded himself. He really was not seeing the situation and seeing the hurt.
Anyway, that is all the distant past. When we spent time talking, the focus of our conversations were more to do with our beliefs, our values, our purpose, our communication styles, our expectations, the way we measure how those expectations are being fulfilled. With that understanding, we started to share not just trivia, but we started to share our treasure of experiences.
I think Jack was right to remind me of how we won our battle. It was a monumental challenge – but we overcame it. The trust has grown and grown, but both of us know and understand that jumping to conclusions or neglecting each other, or habitually sacrificing time for other matters is what erodes trust and the relationship we have forged. Jack and I are not just partners in life – we work together. The work we are entrusted with is huge. We have to maintain our working relationship to be effective.
In addition to that, we have this lovely romantic side to our relationship which is of course the sweetest and most delightful reward for the effort we have put in. It’s gorgeous – but that in no way validates Jack’s previous presumptions that the issue back in 2013 – 2015 had anything to do with sexual tension – and even if there was some, he is not allowed to go there.
He has told me to keep going and not to surrender, surrender, surrender – remember remember December 2019 – it was when the world finally caught a glimpse that Jack and I had won the battle.
For those who may not have picked up on Jack’s musical cue – these are the lyrics to the Demi Lovato song he was quoting.
I feel a separation coming on 'Cause I know you want to be moving on I wish it would snow tonight You'd pull me in, avoid a fight 'Cause I feel a separation coming on
Just prove that there is nothing left to try 'Cause the truth, I'd rather we just both deny You kissed me with those open eyes It says so much, it's no surprise To you, but I've got something left inside
Don't surrender, surrender, surrender Please remember, remember December We were so in love back then, Now you're listening To what they say Don't go that way Remember, remember December
Please remember, Don't surrender.
You just said you wouldn't let them change your mind 'Cause when we're Together fire melts the ice Our hearts are both on overdrive Come with me, let's run tonight Don't let these memories get left behind
Don't surrender, surrender, surrender Please remember, remember December We were so in love back then, Now you're listening To what they say Don't go that way Remember, remember December Please remember.
I remember us together With a promise of forever We can do this, fight the pressure Please remember December
Don't surrender, surrender, surrender Please remember, remember December We were so in love back then, Now you're listening To what they say Don't go that way Remember, remember December
Please remember, Don't surrender.
Writers: Anne Preven, Demitria Lovato, and John Fields
Caramel 