Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 (2009)
VERDICT: 
4/10 Super Let Downs
I played this game a long time ago, and ever reviewed it already for my college’s newspaper, but when I saw it on my saved drafts, I decided to let out some anger by bashing this terrible game. Let me start by saying that the 4 points I’m awarding this game is for being true to the characters. Sure, it is a terrible game, but being able to handle Gambit or Deadpool is fun any way. But then again, let me stop there and remind people who checking out the vast variety of characters can only be fun for so long, once you remember how boring the game is, then you change characters and start again.
Trying out characters is the only reason why I have this game more than 2 hours of game time, because if it was anything but super heroes, I wouldn’t have played passed the first level. I remember Game Informer, IGN, and those better known video game reviewers gave MUA2 passing grades, and that is why I never trust what they say. To sum it up: this game lacks plot, the game play is childish, and the graphics aren’t good enough to make up for these unacceptable characteristics of the game.
I started playing this game with high expectations. Most previews of this game said it would be a million times better than the first one, it would be the game of the year, and it would break barriers. But here is the truth: it did none of that. The game started and I was thrown into a frenzy of enemies and button smashing. MUA2 began with random fighting, and after two hours of playing I still had no idea why I was fighting or what I was fighting for. Some lady tries to explain missions and reasons for fighting, but none of it made sense and wasn’t interesting enough to pay attention to it. After some time, you are just getting thrown into different levels, smashing buttons until everything is dead, and you move on to the next level. Big woop.
The game play is also nothing like what I expected. The pre-game news talked a lot about a new way of going about adventure games, co-op would be amazing, and the game play would pull you in for hours. There were supposed to be teamwork and strategies to the fighting, but once I realized that I could stare at my phone and text with one hand while pressing X over and over again with the other and still beat the level, I realized that this game is pointless. Button mashing is my most hated characteristic in a game, and Ultimate Alliance 2 is only smashing.
Just so I don’t start ranting about button-mashing, let me just repeat myself: button mashing is my most hated characteristic in a game. It makes the game boring, lame, and childish. When you can literally not watch the game and smash the controller against your face, and still win, then you should just smash your face into a wall and save your money.
The graphics are passable, sure, but it is nothing great or extraordinary. You see some cool moves from the super heroes, and all the different choices of characters are cool, but it doesn’t make up for how lame the game is. You have a large variety of heroes, from Spiderman to Gambit, to Thor, and even Venom and Deadpool, but like I said before, seeing the different characters is the only fun part about the game (well, that is if you’re a super hero nerd, like some of us).
I know this is an old game, and I’m sure most people have heard about this game, but I just wanted to let out some steam and get rid of one of the many drafts I have saved on here. It’s not relevant, but most of the stuff I write isn’t anyway. So, if you read this, and you were thinking “hey, I want to get a cheap game about super heroes,” don’t buy this one. It will lead you through a hard to follow story while you mind-numbingly just bash your controller. Want to see the cool characters in this game? Just look them up on the internet and wait for a better super hero game to come out (although I doubt that would happen any time soon… let’s just cross out fingers).
It’s easier than boning my mom??? 
Hey! Fabiola is a saint! But no, really, you were all wrong, PNS got hacked this past week, yet again. Since we’re on the subject, let’s talk about this a little bit. Sony got SCREWED hard. 77 million users got their info stolen, and Sony is now down millions and millions of dollars. When the accounts were hacked, this means credit card info was taken, all game achievements lost (yes, this is very important to people), and PSN was shut down for months now.
So, what is the result of all of this? First, Sony needs to revamp their security system, which doesn’t seem to be working since they keep getting hacked every other week. Second, they need to deal with lawsuits and things of that matter for the customers that were effed in the processes. And third, they need to somehow get the millions of fans back on their side, which will be pretty hard. Although, Playstation is doing a great job with that, since I recently got the email telling me that because of all these problems I get a bunch of stuff for free. I think it was like 3 games, a crap load of downloadable content, and things like that.
RESULTS:
– It’s easier than boning your mom: 5 votes (haha, funny guys…)
– I just hacked it again: 2 votes (I think I found the culprits!)
– Few months: 1 vote
– This weekend: 0 votes (oo, so close, yet no one got it)
– Two weeks: 0 votes (probably another right answer, we’ll see next week)
Personally, I believe it will take Sony a long time to get this all figured out. From what I’ve been reading, they are having a tough time dealing with the hackers, the bad guys seem to always be a step ahead. Now, it seems like the hackers are just doing it for fun, they are actually dangling info in Sony’s face to kind of be like “hey look, we can do it againn, na na na na boo boo.” Who’s had the worst year ever you ask? Well, it sure isn’t Arnold and his baby-mama-drama and I wouldn’t say it’s Macho Man (R.I.P. brotha), it is most certainly Sony and PSN for getting hacked more times than your mom has given some old, gross sailor a dirty sanchez. Boom!
ModNation Racers (2010)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Wannabe-Sackboy Racers
Another weird day. I know today is supposed to be a new release review, but again, I just started this whole process over again and my GameFly isn’t set up yet. So, the newest release I got: ModNation Racers (as you could tell from the title of this post… obvi). Frankly, this is one of the best games I have played in a while. The racing is fun, creating characters and beating the career mode is fun, but really, this game is just a great multiplayer with awesomely fun races online. So, when it comes down to it, the game is good, the multiplayer/online content makes it great.
I won’t spend too much time describing the game, because like all racing games, you just race. Duh! In ModNation you also get attacks, like any other non-serious racing game would have, which you can power up to three different levels. Using the right ones and finding power ups takes skill, but that all comes with play-time. The game features a story mode (which is fun to play, but the cut-scenes are SO annoying to watch), online racing, multiplayer racing, and creation stations. Pretty basic stuff, but once you start playing, it will consume you.
To follow the footsteps of LittleBigPlanet, you can create almost anything. And I literally mean, anything. You can change your racer to be anything from Iron Man, to Leonardo.. the Ninja Turtle, of course. Also, you can create some awesome cars, my favorite being The General Car Insurance one (couldn’t find a picture, but play online and you will find him). And the tracks that some people create will straight up amaze you. Almost like that feeling you got when you opened up the online content for LittleBigPlanet, you know the feeling, the “holy shit, how does someone have the time and ability to create such a master piece!” Yeah, that feeling.
So, since this game can be comparable to LittleBigPlanet so much, I decided to have them duel to the death. We can judge on character creations, maps, and all-around possibility for fun for the game.
LittleBigPlanet (LBP) vs. ModNation Racers (MNR)
1. Characters: Both these games give the player an amazing ability to make anything and anyone you want. MNR gives you the chance to make both the racer and the car, which is a plus for them, but the overall graphics (which obviously impacts the creations) goes to LBP. I am not talking about the maps (I’ll talk about those next), but the characters in MNR just lack texture, which gives LBP the edge. Although cars can be made pretty cool looking, I still think that the character is what matters most. Sure, in both games you can create anyone you’d like, go make your Nana if you want, but LBP will give you the ability to make wrinkles on that sad face of hers, while MNR will only allow you to give her a crazy hair-do which will only look like an awkward helmet-hair-thing.
Winner on characters: clearly LittleBigPlanet
2. Maps: With creating maps, I have not been able to succeed in either game. That might be my lack of commitment to the task, since I really never had the time to create some of the things other kids have been able to make, but either way, kids can create freaking statues of Davids out of these map creators. And the background imagery and the graphics for both the levels in LBP and the tracks on MNR are just breath taking. Again, texture is a huge plus for LBP, but when you are racing around an amazon or jumping a huge cliff in MNR, it’s all just as amazing. I’m coping out here, but I think this is a tie.
Winner on maps: Tie
3. Fun: Again, this might be a tie, but let me think out loud here. MNR took over my dorms television time pretty quickly, but I think that was mostly because everyone is so competitive and this has great multiplayer capabilities. LBP was not a huge hit in groups, mostly because different skill levels warrants different speeds on the levels (so, let’s just say people got tired of me running around the maps and them getting left behind to pop). Although I was never disappointed playing the story mode for LBP. But if you take these two different aspects, I guess MNR wins, because there are more people having fun with the game. But then again, there won’t always be a group of people trying to play the game…… I’m stuck.
Winner on fun: huge mental bust, both these games are a blast.
So, in the end, LittleBigPlanet squeaks out the win, solely on how cute their little Sacks are, err, I mean Sackboys. But don’t count out ModNation Racers, this game has so much potential and it will liven up a room just as much as Mario Kart once did. Sure, it does not have the classic edge to it, but when people pick the controller up and take a couple of laps, like I said before, it will consume you. Just take this: I got this game from GameFly, kept if for about a month and a half (usually I keep the games for two weeks, enough time to beat them), and once I finally got rid of it for a new game, my roommate went out and bought it for himself because he couldn’t live without it. If that doesn’t make you want to try it, then I don’t know what will.
5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself) (2010)
VERDICT: 
3/10 Reasons to Actually Kill (Yourself)
So, I know Tuesday I’m supposed to write about the “Poll of the Week,” but I thought I would wait for that. Since I just put the new poll up 3 days ago, there are only a few votes, so I’ll give it another week. Saying that, I wish I hadn’t skipped writing about the poll, because this game was a huge waste of time.
Adult Swim Games has some of the most random/weird online flash games around. From robot unicorns spreading rainbows, to a backyard surgeon stitching up his buddy’s chest after the most red-neck open heart surgery possible. So, to fit the bill, we get 5 Minutes to Kill (Yourself).
The objective of the game is to, well, kill yourself in 5 minutes. The guy hates his job, he gets an annoying TPS report (I think it is missing the cover sheet, or something like that), and he decides to kill himself in the office to shove it in his superiors’ faces. I don’t know how that works, but this guy has a very twisted mind, I guess it makes sense to him. So, what makes this game a 3 out of 10?
First, the controls are terrible. With the camera angle given, using the arrow keys take a while to get used to. Left is up, down is left, and well, you get the point. To go along with these terrible controls, the movements are really sensitive, so getting in front of an item to hurt yourself takes so long. When the whole point of the game is to find items to kill yourself, and it takes forever to actually get an item, oh, and it’s all timed… yeah, all these add up to a recipe for a terrible game.
Second, there are so many little problems with the production of the game. Once you start the game, there is no pause button or menu button. You start the 5 minutes and you can’t finish them until the timer runs out or you hit “refresh” for the page. Also, after playing the game a dozen times, I had glitches and my character froze maybe 3 or 4 times. Again, when you can’t restart your session, glitches become very annoying.
So, what does this game have to make it fun? It’s pretty damn brutal. Sure, it’s a little out there, but if you’re searching for games on Adult Swim, you should know what you’re getting into… and that is a lot of blood and gruesome deaths. Here are some of the more frequent ways to hurt your character (the more brutal ones take combining items to find):
Most Brutal Ways to Die:
– Sticking your face in a paper shredder. Not the best way to get rid of sensitive paperwork, but definitely the best way to get rid of your face.
– Try to bother your boss and get attacked by a family of weasels. I don’t know what to say about this one, but this was probably the weirdest way to die. Who keeps violent weasels?
– Find a lighter, then find a fire extinguisher. Aim towards face. That’s gotta hurt.
– Put a donkey piñata on your head and wait for your co-workers to start trying to bash some candy out of your head. That’s literally what they try to do… they actually yell, “give me some candy!”
– Have a clown stab the crap out of you in a bathroom stall? Yeah, I don’t know why there are clowns in an office, but they do some good work with those blades homie.
Sure, these all sound pretty crazy and enjoyable to watch (if you’re trying to grow up to be the next John Wayne Gacy), but when it comes down to it, this game is pointless. The map consists of one large office space, and three other small rooms (the bosses office, bathroom, and break room), so the game becomes very repetitive. Sure, taking a stapler to the face can be a good way of killing yourself, but having to do it 7 times to actually make a dent in the character’s health can get boring.
If you want to see some blood, playing this game for just one 5 minute session would do the trick. Just one turn and you can see all the different ways to die, and the game is over. I also gave the sequel to this game a shot, and while it does have a better way of controlling the character (mouse click and hold), it still only has a limited amount of items to hurt the character. Although the game has been improved, it would only take 2 turns to see everything, and the game is over. Oh, and the second game has a butt-ton of loading time, so, that makes it even worse.
Judge Dredd (1995)
VERDICT: 
5/10 Strong-fisted Judgements
With this patriotic day ahead of us, I thought of only one option for what I could review… Judge Dredd. Yes, I know the comic is British, but it is set in a futuristic America, and I’ve always had a very strong “America” feeling when thinking of this game. I mean, just watch the movie, it’s Rocky taking down bad guys as a violent police officer. And since this game came out to compliment the movie, I can only picture “America” for anything Dredd.
But let’s be real here: the movie wasn’t a big hit, which means the game wasn’t a big hit. When it first came out, it received some great reviews, but when taken out of context (time context, that is), this game isn’t remembered by anyone. Countless times I’ve had friends sift through my collection of SNES games and pick out Judge Dredd in confusion. “Wtf is this game,” is usually what they ask. But beyond all judgement, I used to enjoy this game. Do I enjoy it now? Not so much.
Here, we have a platformer, action/adventure game, but the levels are more vertical than they should be. I don’t think this was done on purpose (since it is unlikely that every setting should have the same vertical layout), but all levels seem to just take the futuristic cop down into the gutters and never really to the sides like a regular side-scrolling platform game would do. Sure, on each level of the platforms there is some left and right movement, but eventually you just have to find stairs and head further down to reach the end of the level. Each level has a different goal, but ultimately you have to find your way around the map and either kill or arrest the bad guys. Other goals are to blow up their ammo barrels or shut down the building’s automatic doors, but its hard to miss these objectives since everything is on your path to the exit door.
When I dusted off the cartridge and popped it into the SNES, one thing quickly brought back some memories: “Password.” Of course, I have not picked up this game is many years, but still I thought, “screw that, I wouldn’t even think about using a password.” That didn’t last long. As classic as a “password” option on the title screen, the game was classically hard as balls. On the first level, it took me all of 6 minutes to die 3 times (the only 3 lives you get… no continues). So, I Googled, and as fast as I could utter “hypocrite,” I had the password for invincibility. Call me whatever you want, but time permitting, I had to do something to get through this game before I wrote this review.
I can’t say I remember the plot of the movie much, but as far as the game’s plot is concerned, it isn’t too important (like many platform games from this era). The city is getting taken over and it’s your job to fix it. Boom. I still have no idea who the bad guy is, no idea why these prisoners are escaping from prison, and no idea why Judge Dredd hates these dudes so much that he made it his personal mission to end their lives. So, putting that aside, the game’s purpose is to end lives (or be civil and arrest lives). The controls are as basic as the graphic… ha, I got two talking points out of the way with one sentence. Jump button, punch/kick button, shoot button, and arrest button. 4 buttons, 4 moves. Boom, again. Oh, you can also switch between ammo, but that is never necessary, since the different looking bullets barely show a difference in ability. And the graphics, are eh. They are exactly what you would expect out of a SNES game.
It might sound like I am bashing this game (maybe because I am), but back in the day this was one of my favorite games. Back when I had the patience to sit through the lost lives, sit through zero continues, and sit through the repetitive maps. It might have been my childish eagerness, or whatever the nice way of calling a child plain stupid is, but I actually enjoyed the difficulty of a game like this, and actually enjoyed playing it over and over again, restlessly, so that I could inch past the levels and hopefully reach the end one day. Now, I just couldn’t sit through it. Even with a password for invincibility in this game, which allowed me to literally run through levels, I got bored and turned if off after a handful of levels.
So, even though this game could not beat out today’s most basic online flash games, it still deserves a 5 out of 10. I would have been too heartbroken to give it anything less because it took up so much of my time when it first came out. Just know that this 5/10 is because of a 2 or 3 point handicap that I gave this game. It really has nothing going for it, nothing to help it stand out, at all. I might be the only one stupid enough to give this game this much credit, but if you’ve seen the movie, or even read the comics (which I couldn’t think of one person that has), the game deserves a shot. It won’t take long to realize that it should never warrant more than 30 minutes of your time, but still, it wouldn’t hurt.
One prediction though: this game will be wanted very soon. The amazing Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours) is making the new version (to be exact, the production company he owns is doing it), which is supposed to have no connection at all to the 1995 version, and it stars Karl Urban (Leonard McCoy in the newest Star Trek movie) as Judge Dredd. When the new movie comes out and people start to mention the 1995 version and the game that came along with it, don’t forget what I said, it might be a great conversation starter. I can see it now, you and a cute brunette at the bar, talking about new movie releases, and you mention Dredd, this game, and what you’ve just read… that will get you so much action. Boom.
And the best video game made from a cartoon is…
A Tie Between: 
The Simpsons: The Arcade Game & Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time!
This poll really brings me back to my childhood. I mean, I don’t want to make this a sappy post about how I was raised in arcades, and blah blab blah, but really, I kind of was. I used to have to scrounge for coins, beg my mom for change, so that I could go around the corner and play some games… which one was my favorite arcade game you ask? Well, there are two that I will never forget: The Simpsons game and Metal Slug.
Before I start praising the two winners, let me preface with confessing I usually had a partner for both games, since we all know that games in the early 90’s were so much harder. Most side-scrolling action games can be repetitive, but these two gems always kept me on my toes. For The Simpsons, I would drop so much dough into the machine so that I could eat some donuts with Homer, oh, and save Maggie from the evil clutches of Mr. Burns and his flamboyant partner, Smithers. Classic side-scroller, but the mini-games between stages set apart this arcade game from others with an always an entertaining battle with your teammates. Turtles in Time, on the other hand, ate up more of my time on the Super Nintendo than any other game (and it actually still does). Even though I have beaten this game around 700 times, with a record of 34 minutes, I still blow into the cartridge and pop it into the system every once in a while. It doesn’t have mini-games or any other gimmick to pull you in, it is just a perfect side-scroller with nothing but action. Plus, I love throwing the foot soldiers towards the screen, it’s a great way to end their evil lives.
RESULTS:
– The Simpsons: The Arcade Game: 4 votes
– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time: 4 votes
– The Simpsons Road Rage: 1 vote (I guess my boy Durrekk voted)
– South Park: 0 votes (I blame myself for all these zeros)
– Beavis and Butt-head: 0 votes (I stopped writing and people stopped following)
– The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare: 0 votes (such a creepy game)
– Spongebob’s Boating Bash: 0 votes (but hopefully, people start voting again)
– Ed, Edd n Eddy: Jawbreakers: 0 votes (I expected this result)
– Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: 0 votes (read explanation below)
So, I was going to keep the Power Rangers game off this post, try to hide it, but I thought I would own up to my stupidity. I know there was never a Power Rangers cartoon, but I guess I added the game to the list because it was such a great game and it came out around the same time all these other side-scrolling, 90’s cartoon, games. I wasn’t thinking, I wasn’t focused, and it somehow got onto this poll. It won’t happen again.
Speaking of things that won’t happen again.. me disappearing. I’m finally out of college, moved away to the West Coast, and have all the time in the world to write and play video games (well, not all the time in the world, I still have a job, but you know what I mean).
So, enjoy.
And the battle for the most anticipated goes to…
Call of Duty: Black Ops 
Well, that was a long poll… woops. I know I took forever to finally end this poll, but I think it was time. I mean, it has been months after both these games came out… again, woops. I have been a terrible blogger, I think that’s what I would call myself, but either way, this gave the poll a chance to get a higher score, even though it didn’t mean much.
Call of Duty: Black Ops got a handful more votes than Halo: Reach, and well, even though no one knows how much a “handful” is, either way, Halo got beat badly. To tell you the truth, I have not been able to play Halo as much as I’ve wanted, but from the small taste I got, I still think Black Ops deserved this win. The story mode has always interested me in the Call of Duty series, and this new installment satisfied my need for action, adventure, surprise, and cold-blooded killing.
RESULTS:
– Call of Duty: Black Ops: 23 votes (cold-bloodedddd)
– Halo: Reach: 10 votes (seems the series is dying down)
– Others: World of Warcraft (1 vote), SoTC/ICO combo for PS3 in 2011 (1 vote), Mass Effect 3 (1 vote), Gears of War 3 (1 vote.. and true, I can’t wait to play this)
So, I’ll get the reviews for these games soon enough, and I hope you all enjoy the new poll for this week. Video games from cartoons are a dime-a-dozen, but when a good one comes by, it’s a goodie. Don’t forget to vote, do your part and I’ll do mine.
New Year’s Resolution (2011)
VERDICT:
20/11 For The New Year
I think I’ve been gone long enough. I apologize for not reviewing for months, I got selfish while at college. Let’s just say my living around here has been a lot like what happens in The Social Network… I know, I’m that cool. But, not really, since I just saw The Social Network for the first time about a week ago.
I’ll make it up to you soon, I’ll have to think of something good. But either way, I hope you enjoy what is to come. Also I could blame my disappearance to the fact that the Redskins are terrible, and I was depressed because I finally realized it. But, I guess that if Ovechkin and Backstrom here can like them, then I guess I can keep cheering for them. Props on the win over the Penguins during the Winter Classic.
To wrap it up, I will be starting to post again. Enjoy.
Live long and prosper,
Nahuel F.A.
Editor, contributor, and king of Cut The Crap Video Game Reviews
P.S. Go watch Black Swan. If you’re not convinced from the commercials, read this and you make sure you make the right choice. I’ve seen it twice, and I will not hesitate to go see it a third time.
Sub-Zero finishes Scorpion by way of…
Fatality… 
Well, that’s boring. I mean, sure, Scorpion will still get his body frozen and uppercutted into tiny pieces, but where is the creativity in that? I was very surprised by the outcome of this poll, even if there were very little votes. Well, now that I think about it, it makes sense. An Animality is kind of a weird concept for a Mortal Kombat game. Turning into an animal and ripping apart your enemy might sound cool, but a cuddly polar bear isn’t as terrifying as a masked fighter ripping your spine off. A Babality and Friendship finish both fall under the same column: lame. Turning your opponent into a baby is not too intimidating, and finishing as friends is just out of the question. It was a great joke, but I feel like we would rather see some blood instead of a friendly snowman, just smiling at us. What still surprises me is that Brutality only got one vote. Those are the best way to finish your foe. Lots of blood, lots of carnage, and lots of anger taken out.
RESULTS:
– Fatality: 5 votes
– Animality: 1 vote
– Babality: 1 vote
– Brutality: 1 vote
– Friendship: 1 vote
– Stage Fatality: 0 votes
I guess all these finishes were hard to actually perform, but once we got that combo right (and the stars aligned,) there was no better satisfaction then utterly embarrassing the other player (or CPU). Sure, these finishes did not happen often, unless your older bro memorized the moves to show off every fight, but they were a nice bonus. And we can all remember those times the CPU actually beat us, we throw the controller down, and we see that they decided to rip us in half or blow up our bodies with kicks… man, that just made losing so worth it.
Well, thank you all for voting. And if you haven’t check out the About The Crap tab recently, I have to change-up my schedule since college has started (and is already kicking my ass… senior year should not be this hard). Here is the schedule during the school year:
Monday: New Release Review
Wednesday: Poll of the Week
Friday: Classic “Old School” Game/Any Game (alternating weeks)
Have a great hump-day (and yes, I just hit myself for calling Wednesday the “hump-day”), and I will see you all on Friday!
Pixel Purge (2010)
VERDICT: 
9/10 Pixel Addictions
Finally, a great flash game.
Everyone has played Asteroids, it is a classic. Well, this game is a lot like that, but a little more pixellated. The gameplay is basically the same, you ride around and shoot down the bad guys coming at you. But, in this updated version of the game, you get to pick up pixels spread by the blown up enemies, and you get to upgrade your ship.
There is a cute story told before the game starts, but again, this is just a flash game and there is no story needed. Darkness is taking over and the good guys have to overpower them, the usual. But what is great about this game is the nonstop action and the upgrades. It becomes very hectic with so many baddies coming out, and the more you kill the better you can get.
As far as upgrades go, there are many options. You can upgrade your power, bullet spread, pixel magnet, and many others. I’m sure you are all wondering what my strategy is, so I’ll tell you!
Since you can upgrade whenever you want (no mandatory stops), I usually like to rack up many upgrade points while the enemies are easy. After I get around 10, I upgrade the pixel magnet and the amount of pixels dropped by enemies. So, from then on, most pixels just come to me and I don’t have to chase them while dodging enemies, and they help me upgrade so much faster since they are dropping bigger pixels. Now, I get upgrade points a lot faster as I can get more spread on my shot and stronger guns. It’s a very strategic way of going about it, but in the end, I get to upgrade faster and get to beat up monsters faster.
These kind of games are my favorite. They are so simple, yet, I will sit and play them for hours and hours. Even if I lose, I am not upset to start over because I get to try out new strategies and see what I can do better. The controls are what you would expect; moving around with the arrows or wasd keys and shooting with the mouse clicker. I would strongly suggest trying this game out, it will waste some hours and it will entertain you greatly.
A Boy and His Blob (2009)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Cutest Friends Ever
As I have been doing for the past weeks, I will start this post by complaining about my college. This time, it is the mail room. Like, I feel like getting people their mail is a pretty important thing to do, but PC just doesn’t seem to think so. Since there were no students on campus yet, they decided to just leave all their incoming and outgoing mail in the offices and not worry about them till yesterday, therefore, my GameFly was never sent out, and I never received my new games. So, here is a review of an old game… again, the new release review will have to wait.
If you are a hardcore Nintendo fan, then skip the two upcoming paragraphs: they are for the Philistines out there.
A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia was a Nintendo Entertainment System game from 1989. Nintendo Entertainment System, better known as NES, is the same company that developed the newest Nintendo Wii system. The Nintendo Wii system is a console which made interactions possible while playing a video game; video games are those things that us “gaming nerds” try to spend as much time as possible playing. “Gaming nerds” are those people who you make fun of for talking about the aforementioned video game systems, but trust me: they are way cooler than you.
So, this old gem gave all players a difficult time with puzzles, hazards, and pitfalls. It was a pretty impossible game, with levels that probably couldn’t even be beaten by the developer of the game (coincidently the same developer for the Pitfall! series, which also gave many gamers blisters from over-playing levels, trying to get past a certain crevasse that just seemed obviously too far for Harry to reach). The old Boy and His Blob had its problems, but WayForward Technologies tried its best to fix those glitches and revive this game.
The new version, simply named A Boy and His Blob, was released on Oct. 13, 2009, for the Nintendo Wii system. The big ploy for this release, which I actually just mentioned, was that the developers wanted to recreate the old NES game, but without the many problems. Let me just say now: they failed. The game is entertaining at times, it has its fun, but in the end, they could have done a way better job with it.
First, the plot was non-existent. You wake up, a blob lands next to your tree house, and then you start to run around and find hidden treasure chests and old artifacts. It sounds like I am not explaining everything, but really, that’s exactly what happens. You have three worlds, nine levels per world and a boss level, and if you get all the hidden treasure chests you gain another secret level. There really is no plot. They don’t explain why there are black blobs trying to kill you, or why there are big blob monsters. Oh and let me just ruin the great surprise for you: When you beat the secret levels, you get gifts! But don’t be excited, these gifts are just pictures of early development art, and the people who created the game… who wants to see that?!
The game play is pretty intense, but not well executed. You have a large range of actions you can perform with your blob and the boy, but it’s a pain to do these. You have to constantly be searching in a menu for the right seed that will change the blob into a bowling ball, parachute, cannon, trampoline, or even a bouncy ball. You have to make your blob perform these actions a lot during a level, and constantly going back and forth between seeds gets annoying.
It’s a great concept, and the puzzle/platform style is usually great, but this game was not what I wanted out of the remake. The only thing to redeem the game, and to keep me playing, is the great artwork and graphics (well, and the watching the cute blob change into awesome shapes). For such a simple platform game, the background art is beautifully done. From the dark forests, to the bright city lights, it all looks amazing. If it weren’t for my need to see every level they created, I would not be playing this game past the third level. The game will frustrate you to death, and you will want to put it down quickly, but it’s worth the wait just to see the art throughout the story. I know it’s a small thing to bank a game on, but it is just that amazing to look at.
Since I had put this game down many months ago, I didn’t think about it much, actually, not at all. Don’t let that sway your decision to play though. I was so glad to pick this game up and I was so glad to revisit the revisit of the original. Again, the gameplay could have been better (A LOT better), but the fun you will have with the adorable duo is great. Your eyes and your heart will love you for playing this game, but your second “gamer-heart” just might not like it as much.
Who Wins…
Sub-Zero 
Well, before we get into the journey that this battle was, let me apologize. I have been gone for over a week, moving into school was a hassle, but expect writing from now on, and expect some fun reading. I might come late every once in a while, but blame my professors and extracurriculars for that. I guess missing a week gave this match-up extra time to duel it out, so let’s talk about how the rivalry played out:
The fighters were picked and it was time to see who would win. The frozen king, or the lord of the fiery underworld. The poll starts and Scorpion takes a quick lead. He throws some cheap jump-kicks to cut down the health of Sub-Zero, getting him half way to death. After only a couple of days, Scorpion is up by 6 votes. But, out of no where, Sub-Zero shoots an upper-cut… Whoopsie! Some freezing shots, followed by more upper-cuts, and Scorpion is backed into a corner. He got on a roll and he came ahead of Scorpion by 1 vote. He jumps backwards and leaves a frozen corpse, Scorpion walks right into it. Sub-Zero walks back and tries to shoot another freeze-ball, but Scorpion jumps and throws a quick “come over here!” Sub-Zero ducks and jumps straight at Scorpion, fists flying. One last weak punch to end the fight, and he is done.
Finish him!
RESULTS:
– Sub-Zero: 11 votes
– Scorpion: 8 votes
Thanks for everyone that voted, and thanks to Greg for checking up on this battle religiously. Only question that could come now is: how would Sub-Zero finish Scorpion. So, let’s see what the best way to die is, and vote on your favorite Fatality style on Mortal Kombat!
Day Off…
Sorry for the late notice, but I was just able to reach my laptop. Yesterday I got to school and I have been unpacking and running around making errands, so I have not been able to write and get anything out today.
But, do not fret. This weekend I will put out a classic game review and I’ll make sure it is a good one. I apologize, but it has just been a busy week.
Pokémon HeartGold (2010)
7/10 Obsessive Compulsive Disorders
Yet another tale of a young boy who wants (and needs) to catch ’em all.
I will admit to the world that I love Pokémon games. I am not saying that I was into the Pokémon cards, because I used to beat up kids who played those (and that dumb Magic shit also), but the video games are actually really fun. The story in these games has become pretty unoriginal, I mean, sure, they are coming out with new little buggers to catch, but that doesn’t change the fact that the story is ultimately the same in every single Pokémon handheld game. And, I know that this is an enhanced remake of Pokémon Gold, but since I have not played that, this is a new game to me.
Before I talk about this usual Pokémon story, I will share with you the greatness that is a Pokémon game. They have not changed their formula for quite some time now, and I’m completely okay with that. You roam the land, Pokémon will attack you, and you fight turn based style. The more you win fights, the more experience you get, and the more your Pokémon will grow as a fighter. Also, you seek to become the greatest Pokémon trainer in the land, so you go around challenging all the other trainers and you put their dumb pets to shame. It is all basic RPG gaming, but in these Pokémon games, they require you to search the world for every species you can get. And I mean, they make you find every single on of those thousands of little creatures to become the Ultimate Trainer. I’m sure most people reading this know the wonders of the Pokémon gaming, so I will stop this pointless banter and show a picture of what the fighting looks like in Pokémon HeartGold:
Sure, looking at this picture, you might think that it could be any Pokémon game… well, you’re right. I have not seen much change from the graphics, which leads me to how they have not changed the story in some time, as well. When I started this game, the first thing I thought was (and this is no lie): “Have I already played this game?” I truly had to search through my old games to make sure that I did not own this game already, and I had to Wiki the shit to be certain that GamyFly didn’t screw me over and send me the wrong game. But, in the end, I was right. This is a brand new game, with a brand new already used story. I even vaguely remember the maps seeming a lot like the Diamond game, and I will replay it soon to make sure they aren’t being lazy and using old maps for new games (I might catch you, you lazy game designers!). In the most recent games you always have to go get a message from the Professor, take it back to the crazy scientist in your town, and then for some reason they urge you to go “catch ’em all,” and become the best… AROUNDDDD, NOTHING’S GONNA EVER KEEP YOU DOWN! Sorry, I broke into song, but you get the picture. There isn’t much back story, these guys just throw you every Pokémon gadget you can hold, and they tell you to be the top trainer.
So, why is this game still getting a 7 out of 10 if it is so much like the rest? Well, the makers of these Pokémon games have found a perfect formula, and there is no need to change that. There is a great need to come up with a more interesting and deeper story, but they can figure that out for the next one. This game still creates an amazing Pokémon world, and I will spend the hours to catch ’em all and become the best. And not to mention that they brought back the whole Pokémon walking next to you thing. It has been a while since my buddy was allowed to walk outside of the Pokéball and roam the lands with me, and I’m glad I get to see my cute Chikorita at all times (and talk to him to pump him up).
I will admit that when Pokémon hit the scene, I was not a fan of the games. I just didn’t care for them. But, a couple of years ago a friend told me to try it out, and I can not thank him enough. Granted, I am a huge fan of RPGs, and even the most boring of RPGs will get me hooked and wanting to create the most powerful character possible. Final Fantasy games demand so much from the player, and I will still spend the hours to do everything I can in those games (even if the stories do become long and boring sometimes). I will even admit that I have played EarthBound about 17 times, and not once have I been bored from it (speaking of, this is the best game ever made, and I can’t wait to review this for everyone). But, before I get sidetracked or bust into song again, we need to realize the greatness that is Pokémon. Even after all it is asking from you, even after the unoriginal story line, and even after the rainbow of games that have come out in their series, Pokémon is still selling and it is still the biggest hit. HeartGold and SouldSilver had the biggest sales for the Nintendo DS, and I don’t see why not!
And I will say, next week I will be reviewing SoulSilver, so before I throw away any credibility for their story building, let’s give the partner a shot and see what it has. I can only expect a different story since these two came out at the same time (the usual for a Pokémon game), but I guess we will all find out next Wednesday, right here, same Zubat time, same Zubat channel.
Achievement Unlocked 2 (2010)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Deadly Elephants
Alright, I know this is not a new release, but blame GameFly for that. They took way too long to send me my game, so I didn’t have enough time to play the new release by tonight. I have filed a complaint and I might even switch to 3 games out at a time just so this doesn’t happen again. Either way, here is Thursday’s review (online Flash game), and tomorrow I will be reviewing a new Pokemon game, it shall be a good one.
And now for the review:
Achievement Unlocked 2 is, obviously, the sequel to Achievement Unlocked. They are basically the same game, but since this one was just released this week, I thought I would take it out for a spin. The game is pretty impressive actually. You have a bunch of levels (unlike the first game) and you have to play around and try to get all the achievements possible. On the left side of the screen you have a list of achievements to get, and well, the game isn’t over until you get them all. So, you control your little elephant, you jump around, and try to get everything possible. Achievements run from not dying for a certain amount of time, to dying a certain amount of time in the fewest seconds possible. Some of these goals become pretty hard to get, and it can be a huge challenge to get them all.
Getting achievements has become a big part of video games. I, for one, do not enjoy it. Getting those annoying notifications on my top right corner after I beat a level on my console games really pisses me off. Like, I know I beat the boss, I don’t need a wanna-be-witty comment telling me how awesome I am… I already know how awesome I am. Sure, some games need achievements; i.e. CoD uses achievements to upgrade your guns and stuff like that, and that is a great addition to a game. But, I just don’t understand why you would replay a game like Assassins Creed just so you can get 100% of every single thing in the game, that is a waste of time (in my eyes).
Either way, this game is all about achievements, and for some reason I dig it. Like, it’s not a great game, but I did take a long time to get every goal I could get. If you think about it, you can get them all, it’s not too hard, but it is still a bit challenging and it will be a great time-waster. So try it out, get those achievements, and let me know how long it takes you. Trust me, it will be over 30 minutes, and that’s what is so great about this game.
Even if you think achievement recon is not your thing, then you will still get addicted and you will still try to get 100% in this game. Give it a shot:
Play Achievement Unlocked 2And the worst movie based on a video game is…
Super Mario Bros! 
Well, that wasn’t hard! There are obvious reasons why this movie is terrible. I could site here and list them, but come on, we all know why. If anything, we can just look at their interpretation of Bower and Koopas. Like really???? The best they could do with Bower was gel up Dennis Hoppers hair, like, is that really supposed to make him look like a huge, fire-breathing Koopa King? I just don’t understand what they were thinking. Also, the Koopas, just look beyond stupid. I won’t even get into those.
Alas, the movie does one thing right, and that’s the fact that it tried. Sure, it wasn’t a great shot, but at least we got to see a great duo come together in film. Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo make a gay ol’ couple, and they embody the brothers perfectly (mostly just because of their looks, not really from anything else). Eh, I guess they aren’t really a great due, they just look a lot like the Mario brothers.
I got really upset at the whole “jumping boots” thing they have going on, they really just tore apart the game. The brothers just have natural ups, they don’t need no stupid boots with hydraulics. Ugh, I could keep going on and on about how terrible this movie is, but I will leave it at this. If you haven’t seen it yet, go check it out so you know why no one else has tried to make a Mario movie again. It is truly disappointing that this was such a failure, they ruined it for everyone else that hoped for a future film, and I’m sure the plumbers are pretty upset they couldn’t make it on the big screen.
RESULTS:
– Super Mario Bros.: 7 votes
– Doom: 2 votes (going TPS during a movie, huge fail)
– Max Payne: 2 votes
– Street Fighter: 1 vote (man, I loved this, but I was 7… what else would you expect from me?)
– DOA: Dead of Alive: 1 votes (never saw this, but I guess this proves that boobs don’t make a movie)
– Mortal Kombat: 0 votes
– Resident Evil: 0 votes (really? because I’ve heard nothing but terrible things about these movies)
– Hitman: o votes (I didn’t see it, and I don’t think anyone else did)
– Others: Alone in the Dark (this was a movie? really? ), “All Bad” (touché)
Oh, and I totally forgot about Prince of Persia, I’m sure that would have gotten tons of votes. Granted, you are looking at the president of the Jake Gyllenhaal fan club, but I still have not heard one good thing about Prince of Persia and I don’t think I will any time soon.
But, before we throw away any possibility at a good movie coming from a video game, check out this potential movie. It is a small teaser which was made to get fans riled up for a new Mortal Kombat game (and maybe the movie). I am really hoping that they go through with this because it looks really dark, and it could be great. They say that no one that has any rights to Mortal Kombat had anything to do with this short film, but I hope that’s a lie, and I hope we see something like this soon. Either way, you decide:
The Saboteur (2009)
VERDICT: 
6.5/10 Dodgy Blokes
I don’t usually give half scores, well, I actually never have, but this just felt right. A 6 felt a little too harsh, and a 7 was too much praise. I hope that’s understandable, if not, let me explain:
The Saboteur puts you in the shoes of Sean Devlin, a rough-edged Irishman. He races cars, he smokes and drinks, and damn is he into the ladies (in the game, his main safe spot is a brothel). He has some buddies with him, mostly Parisians, but they are close to him. His best friend’s life ends quickly into the game, but the old racing coach and his buddies sister are still with him, and they make up part of his team. There are other Paris natives, and they are just using this brash Irishman to make some ruckus for the Nazis.
The game takes place at the start of the Nazi’s take-over of France. They are deep in the city of Paris, and it is evident that there is a huge control over everything. You roam the city and on every corner there are Nazis, on most streets there are watch towers and light towers, and there are many areas shut down for only their use. So, what better story than to kill a bunch of Nazis and get them the hell out of your city? Well, not technically your city, but Sean still hates the bastards for killing his bff, so he just wants to make shit blow up.
The story is pretty basic, everyone hates Nazis, so let’s go kill them. The gameplay is a lot like the Grand Theft Auto games, where you have a safe spot, you have missions to do from different sources, and the more you do the less control the Nazis have. Here is where my favorite aspect of the game comes in; the color schemes in the city of Paris. Most people have seen the commercials, or read about this game, so it’s pretty original what they have done. Areas of France that the Nazis are still controlling are black and white with only red showing, and the areas you save gain all color, and gain more color as you take out all the Nazi towers around that area. I love this. I think the graphics in this game are truly amazing, and going from one side of the city to the next, where the colors die out, is so well done. Here are some pictures to show this concept:
The first and last pictures are almost similar except they show the two worlds you see in the game. Usually there is rain in the areas that are black and white, while the color areas can show any time of the day. The middle picture shows the perfect blend between the two sides of Paris, and the transition from one side to the other is really beautifully done. There isn’t a thing bad to say about the graphics, the sound (minus those terrible, terrible accents they had), or anything artistically, but, aside from those things the game needed a lot of work. The city of Paris is so perfectly done that I really felt like I was there. One of the first things I did actually was roam around and try to find areas that I have been to, and what made me love this game was that I could literally find most places that I have actually stood in. This might not be great resolution, I took it with my phone, but here is a picture of Sean Devlin standing in the same spot where I enjoyed my first baguette in Paris with a beautiful girl:
Before I get to the problems with the controls and glitches, let’s talk about staying historical games. Come on, you are taking the time to create an intricate story within a past that is known to many people, the developers really had to keep their heads on straight. We are talking about 1940’s here, I’m sure no one was “jacking cars” in those days, and that kind of lingo should really be kept out of a game like this. Also, the expression “being a third-wheel” was not used 70 years ago, and frankly it is stupid to add a line like this. Those lines could have been easily kept out, but sure, they can be ignored. I also thought it was really tasteless to have a priest yell out “in the name of all that is Holy, blow his fucking head off.” Like, sure, in the story he was no longer a priest (Hitler made him leave the Church because he was preaching against him), but he was still dressed with the white collar and everything, and that was not okay to put in. They were trying to be hardasses, but it just came off as ignorant.
I will say some lines made me smile, but there weren’t many. Sean tries to point someone out, using his Irish dialect, and says “the one grinning like a cat with a cream flavored arse-hole?” I thought that was really witty and really funny. They should have used more of those smart comments instead of throwing anything in to get a cheap laugh.
The big problem plaguing this game is the controls and the glitches. I can’t count how many times I got stuck in a wall or glitched around while trying to open a door. If they would have just spent a couple more months to put out this game it could have been game of the year, but damn do these problems pile up. Sean can climb walls, but he just does not have the skills of Ezio. He is supposed to be able to climb all the way up buildings and do most of the things that the Assassins Creed boys can do, but the controls are not done well and it becomes a chore to try to get up a wall. Basically, it gets hard to run from Nazis, stealth kills never work, and just some touch-ups could have done a lot for this game.
It kills me to give this game such a low score, but because of all the development problems, it doesn’t deserve higher than a 7. I will stand behind this game for its originality, the graphics are amazing and the aesthetics really impress me, but it just needed some work still. I will never disagree with a game that allows you to kill thousands of Nazis, it’s a great pastime, but I really with they could have fixed the little things.
Either way, it is still a must play because of the great things it has. We can sit here and pick the game apart, but it comes down to this: the things it does well, it does great, but the things that aren’t good, plague the game.
So, get out there, and paint the town… not red.
Donkey Kong (1981)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Inpatient Carpenters
Alright, here is a true classic. This was way before gaming was big, before Mario even existed, and before platform games was even a genre. Here is a game that truly paved the path for games, and truly holds the ranks for most outstanding grandfather of gaming.
The story is simple. Stupid monkey stole Lady, and Jumpman has to, well, jump to get her back… oh, stupid monkey. I actually didn’t know this, but the story is deeper than that. Apparently Donkey Kong is Jumpman’s pet, and since he wasn’t being treated right, he stole Lady and wants to throw barrels at him owner. Jumpman is eagerly trying to avoid any injury and wants to get Lady back. As you can tell, I am avoiding any new names placed on theses characters, but I will explain that later.
The game only has 4 levels, but these get pretty hard throughout. The first level is only “25 meter” high, the second 50, the third 75, and the final level being a mock 100 meters high. Before you start the stupid monkey asks you “how high can you get?” and, well, he is talking about how high on the level. You have to keep away from getting hurt by barrels and fireballs, and your basic moves are jump and slam (once you pick up the trusty hammer). The game can become very frustrating as you have to perfectly time every platform you get on, because if you don’t, you will quickly lose control of your surroundings and you will get hit by everything close to you. Think before you act, they say, and in Donkey Kong, it is a message well said.
So, other than the basic gameplay, there are so many things that come from this classic that has shaped out gaming world. Well, there aren’t “so many,” but there are enough to make this game an instant classic, and I’m sure if you went back in time and stopped the maker of this game, we wouldn’t have much to work with these days. Any who, here are the more important things that come from the original Donkey Kong:
Donkey Kong: I guess I’ll start with the title of the game. Many think that Mario was the first big name character created by Nintendo, but in fact, he didn’t have that name in this game. But, Donkey Kong was already born, and even though he is cast as a bad guy here, he quickly turned towards the light-side and decided to hunt bananas instead. Sure, he might not have lost his bad rep, since he was born as a baddie, but I guess hanging out with your nephews in most games will change your look.
Jumpman: aka Mario. In Donkey Kong he actually has no name, it is just Jumpman (to mimic Pac-Man and Walkman). And, as you can tell from my witty score, he wasn’t even a plumber back then. Maybe after his boss found out he was beating his pets he lost his job… only downgrade from a carpenter is a plumber, I guess. Well, either way, he is clearly the same character as Mario, just without the name and the high-end career (*cough*), but still he has all his moves and from there on it was history… and yes, by all his moves I mean his jump, because that really is all he has.
Lady: Ah, what a beautiful Lady… well, apparently she is not actually Princess Peach, or anyone from the Mario series, her name was later revealed to be Pauline. I can just suspect that she wasn’t too happy with Jumpman and left quickly after they got away from that dumb monkey’s grasp.
The Hammer: What is there to say about this mighty weapon. In this game, sure, it can save your life as you hurry up the level, but there is no better place to take care of work than in Smash Bros. when you pick up this notorious item. The music is haunting to opponents, and there is no other option but to run (except for the ballsy players that try to take out the player from below… great trick for getting the hammer away from people in Super Smash Bros.). Having this weapon in Smash will forever change that game, and just because of this simple item, Donkey Kong can be called a classic and a molder of video games in our time.
Platformer: Let’s face it, if it wasn’t for this simple game, the idea of gaming and running by platforms to an end goal in a 2D surface would have been unknown. You can say Space Panic was the original, but if you mention these two games to anyone, which do you think is more well-known? I think we all know the answer to that. Especially if we show an image from both games, there is no doubt that Donkey Kong would win the “Coke Test.”
From the start, this game raised the bar (even if those bars were a little lopsided). It shaped gaming, it created characters that are still known world-wide, and is still an entertaining game to play. I would give homage to this game in any way I could; maybe I could do something like this to my room? (minus the Homer Simpson). Like I said, pull a Marty McFly and beat up Shigeru Miyamoto, and we would not have the same video games we play today. Donkey Kong created an amazing movement, and from there on, we were all birthed into a great world where video games are good and fun.
Epic Combo! (2010)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Turtle Bashings
I am a big fan of upgrade-oriented flash games. They are simple, they are addicting, and most importantly, they are fun. Epic Combo! shows all of these.
There isn’t much concept; you smash some turtles coming at you and they bounce around the room. Hitting the walls or weapons you have set up increase the combo, and the higher combo you get, the more money you receive. Here is where the upgrades come; with the money you can buy guns, bouncing pads, mines, and others.
Playing “original mode” is pretty quick, the upgrades are quickly learned, but “unlimited mode” can bring about hours of playing. The weapons get more expensive as you buy them, so after you have 10 bouncing pads they cost over a million dollars, but that is when you can play around with fun set ups. After playing unlimited mode for about an hour I had come chaos going on, I could round up millions of dollars after a minute of so of combos.
Proof (and check out that “best combo” high score):
I know I’ve already reviewed a game that is upgrade oriented, I guess they just come to me. The first time I chose the game, this time it randomly chose it. Granted, this game will give you tons of fun hours of playing if you enjoy getting tons of money and tons of chaos as those turtles jump around.
There isn’t much else to say, just take some time to build up the screen with weapons and you will have a good time watching the turtle shells bounding around. You can get them glitching and bouncing straight up and down for extra combo, but after a while it is gets pretty boring and you can just go to the store to make it stop. Other than that little problems, you can get a lot of time wasted on this game and you can have a lot of fun raking in the ducats and buying extra weapons.
Transformers: War for Cybertron- Autobots (2010)
VERDICT: 
2/10 Disappointmentbots
Alright, here comes a very angry review.
I come across many movies, books, and video games that make me think something: who in their right mind would actually invest in this? Who would put their hard-earned money into something that is obviously not going to bring in any revenue? Like, really, someone thought that this game was a good idea???
Alright, let’s talk about why this game is so shitty. First of all, graphic capabilities on the DS are pretty darn good. Zelda, for one, has amazing graphics that are beautiful at times. You can do a lot of things with this hand-held, and games that put out shit like this are really just lazy. Transformers: War for Cybertron looks like someone just pooped pixels onto my touch screen. It looks like no effort was put into making shapes into actual shapes. The boxy, pixellated Transformers and just blobs in a backdrop that is more pixels which makes a shitty blend. I had to squint most the time, and even then, I still couldn’t see when those little, annoying ships that were shooting at me. Sure, you could lock-in your aim on an enemy, but for that you had to get inches away from them, and by then, half of your health was gone.
The gameplay, is terrible. You can barely move where you want to, and turning around is near impossible. They try to help by having a quick-turn (by pressing down twice), but even when you do that your Transformer does not respond in time and sometimes does not respond at all. Again, this leads to your health declining very fast. The game allows you to have two players at a time (which I guess helps) so you can switch back and forth whenever you want, and even when one dies, the other takes over. Dying doesn’t really matter much, though, unless it happens fast for both characters, because when one dies, over time he repairs… I know, it doesn’t make sense. Also, when your health is low, it replenished over time. Glitch note: when your health is low, switch characters back and forth, and the health will be back… stupid, I know.
Speaking of stupid, your enemies can take more damage from certain weapons. So, when you lock onto an enemy, you see what will hurt them more. Obviously, the creators of the game think they are so smart, and set it up so that every two seconds you have to switch characters. Ugh, so irritating. You will walk into a room, there will be 4 enemies, two will be hurt more by the red ray and two will be hurt more by the yellow ray… it gets very annoying to switch back and forth. It is so obvious what they are trying to do, and even though it is so easily read, it still gets annoying to switch back and forth between your two characters.
Let’s see, what else can I complain about… Well, the story kinda sucks. It is supposed to be about the civil war that went on in Cybertron before the Transformers came to earth, but they don’t explain it very well. I got through 4 levels (out of 8), and I still don’t understand what the eff is going on. And don’t think that by only playing half the game I don’t have a right to review it, after the first level I could tell how shitty the game was, I didn’t have to play so much of it. But, basically the story is nonexistent. Even thought the game claims to be about the huge civil war that started the Transformer series, you can’t find traces of a story.
Transformers: War for Cybertron gets two points for these reasons:
1. The game is about Transformers. So, even though the story sucks, the graphics suck, and everything possible sucks, they are still robots that turn into cars and junk. It is a very cheap point for them to take, but still, Transformers are freakin’ awesome. Anything they touch, well, doesn’t turn to gold, but it gets them a mercy point.
2. No reading! The only good thing this game does is making us lazier. Games with too much reading can get pretty boring, especially if the story is stale, or if there is no story at all (note: a lot of reading in a great game is not bad, as long as it is engaging and interesting… and well written). Transformers: War for Cybertron reads all dialogue to you, which I’m guessing is what they spent most their time on. Congrats, that got you an extra point, for not making me read the bullshit that you created.
I really hoped for a great game. I wanted to spend my time with this, and then get the Decepticon version of it, and compare the two stories. I was going to get real deep into, but I didn’t care about getting past 50% of one of the games. It is a waste of a game. I have heard good things about the PS3 and Xbox 360 versions, and I might try them out in the future, but that won’t happen any time soon (I have to drink enough to be able to forget how badly I just got fucked over). Transformer games have disappointed me every single time I have played them, and frankly, I feel like an idiot for even trying to play this game.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me… fool me 5 times, I am an idiot.
And the best Nintendo series is…
The Legend of Zelda! 
I feel like any poll with Zelda involved will be an automatic win for the little boy in green. I’ll just keep away from Nintendo polls for a while. But, before I start to downplay this big win, let’s talk about how awesome The Legend of Zelda is! I guess it is hard to deny the awesomeness of this series, it has everything that you would want in a game. There is a love story, there are puzzles, there are amazing adventures, and heroic heroism… it’s very heroic. The basic story doesn’t change much from game to game, but I guess that works for them. Everyone must love the eventual forest, fire, water, sand, and ice temples. Don’t get me wrong, this is my favorite game series our of any ever created, but I guess since we know what to expect, and the creators know what to give us, we are always happy in the end. Some variety is involved, with Link’s raising, the choice of musical instrument, and things like that, but still it is not much change. Twilight Princess was the first of the series to give me a big surprise with how dark the game was and where it went. City in the Sky was one of my favorites that I have ever encountered in the Zelda series, and I hope that the new game (since it seems like Link comes from the sky) utilized this world a lot. But in the end, Zelda is the best series that has come from Nintendo, and we can all thank them for spending so much time with the story.
RESULTS:
– The Legend of Zelda: 9 votes (Hyrule is safe, yet again)
– Super Mario: 5 votes
– Star Fox: 2 votes (His Adventures might have turned people off… )
– Pokemon: 2 votes (I’ll defend Pokemon Snap to the grave, the rest, I need to spend more time with)
– Metroid: 1 vote (Ah, girl protagonists, not a big hit I guess)
– Donkey Kong: 0 votes (Really? No monkey business?)
And now, I preach: This poll was missing one thing, and that is the Mother series. And don’t think that I forgot about it, it is just that Nintendo deprived the United States from this amazing series. Sure, Earthbound (Mother 2) was brought over here and I still believe that it is the greatest game ever made, but no one would ever know about it if it wasn’t for Ness being a character in the Super Smash series. That’s stretching it also, because I can’t count the times that I’ve been asked what game Ness comes from. Earthbound was an amazing game, but I really need to have a copy of the prequel and the sequel. Sure, I can play them in Japanese, or find the games online with English translation, but it is not the same. Nintendo should have realized the mistake they were making and they still need to put in the work so that we have these amazing games in our grasp. I have heard nothing but amazing things about Mother and Mother 3, and I really wish I could have them in my room (in a frame, obviously). If anyone has a chance to check out Earthbound, do it, because just by playing this game you will see the potential for the series. My copy is one of the greatest possesions I have, and I will keep it forever (I really can’t put a price on it). So, Zelda won, but Earthbound will always be the greatest game ever and let’s not forget the potential for the series, it could (and it might) be better than The Legend of Zelda.
F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin (2009)
VERDICT: 
9/10 Shits Scared Out Of Me
Wow, this game scared the shit out of me. Let’s use that ol’ imagination brush, and let me paint a picture for you: there are 6 guys, sitting around a dorm room, some on the floor and some sitting on chairs or beds. The lights are off and the television is being used for F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin. They are all excited to watch the new game being played, mostly because it is a new first-person-shooter in the room. And here is where the twist comes. The game starts, and every guy is clutching their sitting neighbor, screaming out loud, and crapping their pants from the fear. Let’s just say that the room got really smelly, really fast.
The plot is pretty deep. Basically, there are AI trying to kill you, the ghost of a freaky looking girl is messing with you, and all you want to do is figure out what the eff is going on and fix it. Alma, the aforementioned creepy girl, is very angry at those who messed with her and she wants to make the world her own. I want to get more into the plot, but it really should be experienced first hand. Take the time to play the first F.E.A.R., and then take your shot at F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin. The story will blow your mind, and it is the closest thing you could come to if The Ring made sweet, sweet love with your favorite FPS.
The most amazing thing about this game is the intelligence of the enemies. They will try their best to take you out, and you don’t see too many baddies interact with their surrounding. Sure, some bad guys will hide behind pillars and shit like that, but in F.E.A.R. 2 they tip over tables and vending machines for cover, and I have never seen games put this much work into their enemies. It was really refreshing to see something more than bad guys just diving from grenades and actually grabbing them and throwing them back at me.
Another amazing part of this game, the fear! I can’t explain the feeling you get when you turn the corner, and you see Alma rushing towards you and shakes you… oh, wait, I can explain it, utter fright. There are moments that you are walking around a dark boiler room, and the image of Alma will flash before you, and your heart will jump higher than your balls. I will admit it, it took me a long time to finish this game. But, don’t get me wrong, this is not a point against the game at all, it is just because it is just too scary. In many occasions I have picked up the game to play it, and right before sliding it into my PS3, I hesitate, I realize what may happen and how scared I will be, and I stop myself. I know I’ve mentioned before how I am not the manliest of men when it comes to scary things, a good surprise will really make me jump, and this is scarier than any movie I have seen (except, maybe, for the Friday the 13th movies, a little late, but I hope you all enjoyed the holiday last friday.. I know I did).
The gameplay is much like any other FPS, but with little extras. Much like the baddies taking cover from objects, you can do the same. Any vending machine or table can be flipped so that you have a little something else between you and the bullets coming your way. The controls are also like many FPS. Switching weapons can get a little tricky, but after a while you start to pick it up. Slow motion is used also, which can be tons of fun. A single button will activate it, and from there you can watch as your bullets rip apart the bad guys and as your grenades make anything near them disappear in a pretty, pink cloud. I know, it’s kind of a cheap trick in many FPS to have the slow motion, but at many times it is necessary here. Many guys will be coming for you, so don’t forget the slow mo.
Saving in the game is bullcrap. You can’t manually do it, it saves automatically after checkpoints. Sure, it’s okay to use that in games, but they only let you have one save slot, which kills any chance of more than one person playing the game. I haven’t had the chance to play multiplayer, but I can’t imagine it being too much fun. The best thing this game has is the fear, and when you’re playing with someone else, it might take away the fright. You need a big television, you need the lights off, and for sure this game will dirty up your shorts. The game really gets into your head, psycologiacally, and that is mostly because Alma plays with you a lot. You can’t do much about freaking out when you have this coming at you. The little girl will freak you out, the older Alma will freak you out, and you will get to a point where you are tip-toeing around the level because you are scared of things coming at you. She has the power to control everything around you and once things start flying and your characters mind starts seeing things… believe me, you will have to get a clean pair of undies. If you don’t believe me, just try the demo for F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origins and you will want to try the rest of the game out.
My total count: 7 pairs of underwear ruined… how many can you get?
Star Fox 64 (1997)
VERDICT: 
9/10 Damn Slippys
Ah, the memories. I remember, just last semester, getting together with my roommates, around our flat-screen television. We turned on the N64 and popped in Star Fox 64, we each took turns playing and… umm, I guess that’s not a far memory, let me try again. Ahh, I remember just a couple of years ago, sitting in front of the fat Toshiba television I snuck into my boarding school. I pushed my Star Fox 64 cartridge into my N64 and… ugh, again, not really a far memory, last try, I promise. Ahhh, I remember over a decade ago, opening up my copy of Star Fox 64, and jumping around in glee. I slid the game into the N64 slot, turned on my big outdated television (which I can’t remember what it was since it was so long ago), I pushed the awesome Rumble Pak into my controller and let the adventure start!
The story could have been more original (it is the same story as the SNES version of the game), but if you hadn’t played the first game, then Star Fox 64 has an amazing story with tons of levels to enjoy. Sure, when you play the story, you go through 7 out of all the 15 possible levels, but that’s the fun of it, you can keep trying the story mode and figuring out how to get to those levels that you have not played yet. Anyway, in the game you try to get to the final stage, Planet Venom, going through one of the 25 different combinations of levels, and take out Andross who is exiled there and acting a little sketchy. The Star Fox team needs to check it out, obviously. The team is:
Fox McCloud: An expert pilot, who is just angry that his father got abducted by Andross and was never found. He is a natural-born leader, and he don’t take crap from none of those lesser characters.
Falco Lombardi: An asshole pilot, man this dude is arrogant. He is always crying for help and once you get him out of trouble, he sarcastically says “oh, I guess you deserve a thanks.” I’m sorry Falco, I don’t think that’s a real apology, try again!
Slippy Toad: The nerd. Basically you should keep him around just to see the bosses life. Sure, he is the smart one that can make cool things for you, but I can’t really call him smart when his name is “Toad” and he is a frog… get it right, dude! Other than that, he is just another baby crying for help. But, he is kind of necessary since he does help you know how much ass you need to kick to beat the level.
Peppy Hare: The most annoying voice in the game. I know when I should barrel roll, you loud, crappy character. He is so unimportant that every other character has their own Wikipedia page, and he doesn’t. Take that Peppy! Change your name to something more many, and stop telling me what to do!
So, I barrel rolled, I flipped, I accelerated, and I took out Andros and took back the Lylat System in about 20 minutes. For it’s time, the game has amazing graphics and a real smooth gameplay. There isn’t much to say for the graphics now, since they just look like crappy pixellated ships, but back in ’97 they were the bomb. Other then the short game time, there isn’t much to complain about. And, like I said before, you go through 7 levels, but the fun part is trying to figure out how to get to the levels you missed before. Most the levels are very entertaining, and that is mostly because they aren’t too identical. Each level is unique and brings something new to the table. Even though it is the strangest one, my least favorite level is when you take the Landmaster out on, well, land. The tank-like craft is hard to maneuver, and I really think they should have stayed with aircrafts. The Blue Marine is kind of cool, but that’s because it resembles an aircraft more than the tank.
Star Fox 64 might not seem like much now, but back in the late 90’s, it was an amazing game. We didn’t get much outer space, ship games back then. The riding was smooth, the controls were easy (except those flips, sometimes they wouldn’t respond as fast as you would like them to), and the story was tons of fun. This series was boosted by having this game on its resume. I have not played any of the later games (Star Fox Adventures looks terrible, but Star Fox: Assault and Star Fox Command look pretty promising), but I can confidently say that they won’t be as good as this classic hit. Star Fox 64 will be the savior of this Nintendo series (and people taking this weeks poll should look at the rest of the games before they vote, not just this one), and we have to thank Nintendo for bringing it back to life on the Wii Virtual Console.
Which brings me to another point, a little off topic though… after looking up a few of these games I’ve been reviewing, I saw that Nintendo is soon coming out with a new handheld, the Nintendo 3DS. They announced it back in March and it should be coming out next spring. A lot of these old SNES and N64 games will be released for it, and it says that it will have a 3D effect without wearing glasses. Man, Nintendo is getting better and better, they are going too fast for other consoles. I will keep an eye on this and keep you guys updated on news. First they advance with the Wii and now they are taking on the handhelds… I can’t wait to see what they will do to gaming in the next decade.
Star Fox 64 will be available for the 3DS, and you know I will be getting it for sure. This game was amazing back in the 90’s and I promise you that you will still have a great time playing it now. Get it for the Wii Virtual Console, or dust off your N64 and give your cartridge a quick blow and stick it in the slot (no double entendre intended). As for me, I will keep playing it on my Nintendo 64 until I can play it wherever I want when the 3DS comes out.
Give Up, Robot (2010)
VERDICT: 
5/10 Epileptic Seizures
Eh, I should have given up 40 levels ago. Now I have a huge headache and I’m seeing colorful dots all around my room.
I guess you can have some fun playing this game, it is somewhat addicting, but not worth the time. Well, let me backtrack, I did play until level 50, but I really wish I didn’t.
The plot is… I really don’t know what the plot is. There is some little story before you start playing, something about the robot waking up, but I don’t know where it goes from there. It was dumb, it kept making spelling errors and backspacing to fix them (at an attempt to be funny, but a little over done), and basically I have no idea what the robot waking up has anything to do with the robot giving up. Well, apparently the robot wants, or needs to dance… again, what that has to do with the robot giving up, I have no idea.
Your task is to jump around the platform with the robot and try to get to the end of the screen. After some levels you get a grappling item which helps you get through some of the platforms. Obstacles get in the way, pits appear, and some floors move or fall. Basically the first 30 levels are way too easy, and it’s not until the 40’s that the game gets somewhat challenging. The game should have started with these levels and shown some difficulty, and maybe this would keep people hooked. Sure, I played 50 levels, but that’s because I had to to be able to review this game.
But damn, I should have stopped many levels ago. The flashing colors, the random movement, and the techno (I guess, robot music) really makes your brain want to explode. I am surprised I have not dropped to the ground shaking as my brain melts. And yes, this game will make your brain explode and then melt away, it’s a weird combo that is hard to find, but it’s happened. Adult Swim keeps trying to make in-your-face games, with lots of color and lots of motion, and frankly, they make me not want to try any more of their games. If I wanted a headache, I would run head first into my wall. When I want some fun, I play games, and that is the last moment I would expect a pounding headache. Adult Swim has some great games, like the now iPhone-famous Robot Unicorn Attack and the Amateur Surgeon series, but some times they put out some pointless games. Give Up, Robot being one of them, obviously.
I expected something better from Adult Swim Games. I have not been this disappointed since, well, last Saturday when Chael Sonnen choked the last two minutes of his fight against Anderson Silva… anyone else see that fight? Anyone else think Silva is the luckiest S.O.B. in the UFC? I know, I’m getting way off topic, but damn I had such high hopes for Chael as a champion. Either way, this game is not worth the time. You can try it out, get a quick headache, but make sure you stop when it hits you or else you’ll be seeing dots for at least an hour after you’re done playing. You might find some joy in trying to get through some platforms, but most are dumb and easy to beat. If you really want to try to get the challenging levels, keep playing. I mean, I won’t say avoid this game, I won’t say you should play it… I guess that’s why I gave it a 5, it’s right in between.
Play, or not, I’m impartial about it: Give Up, Robot
Super Street Fighter IV (2010)
VERDICT: 
9/10 Broken controllers, broken hands, broken TVs, broken spirits
There are these feeling that comes out whenever I pick up any Street Fighter game: frustration, boiling blood, hatred, and so much aggression… but, with all these terrible feelings, I also feel addiction, immense joy, total bliss, and any other way I can say that I am happy. I guess Street Fighter is like crack to me. I need it, I love it, I inject it, but damn it is not so good for me. I want to play it forever, but every lost fight makes me want to hurl my controller at my television screen. Super Street Fighter 4 truly perfects the fighting genre. I can tell you right now that once I get a chance to review Super Street Fighter 2, it will receive a 10 out of 10, because it has everything you would want from a fighting game and nothing that is unnecessary. And, that’s where the deducted point comes to play in this new release from Capcom. Who the hell are all these random fighters and why are they in the game? But, I’ll get to that soon. Also, to clarify, I might be talking about either Super Street Fighter 4 or Street Fighter 4, these two games are essentially the same with the “Super” bringing a few additions (that being old characters brought back and new online modes).
SSF4 has great gameplay that surpasses any fighter game that I have ever played. To tell you the truth, it’s been a long time since I have picked up this genre of game. I mean, I’ve played a bunch, but not since Super Nintendo have I been interested in fighting games, well, until I saw the great art on Street Fighter 4. I wasn’t expecting much from this game, even though I was always looking forward to playing it, but from what I’ve experienced with the latest fighting games, I didn’t rush to play SSF4. Wow, was I surprised. Games have surpassed the basic “strong punch,” “weak punch,” “strong kick,” “weak kick,” and the occasional “down, diagonal, right, punch” move. SSF4 detects the distance of the fighters and different moves are used. Much like UFC: Undisputed, the different distances have different moves. Don’t expect the range that the UFC games have, for obvious reasons, but SSF4 shows some variation in moves and distances that I have not seen before in 2D fighting games. It is very refreshing to see this type of gameplay and I was pleasantly surprised by it.
The graphics stay on the Street Fighter classic style, but obviously giving it an upgrade. It’s not the same old 2D cartoon look, but now it has a cel-shaded style that looks amazing during fights. Movies before and after the arcade mode are in basic cartoon, which I was not a fan of, but they are still somewhat entertaining. The movement of the fighters is great, and there aren’t many glitches during contact. Only when the game goes into slow motion at the end of a fight you might see a leg go through someone, but it doesn’t happen much, and it shouldn’t bother you much. Throughout the fight, basic contact will be clean, and the special moves look better than amazing. I got to a point where I didn’t care about using these special moves for the damage, but just to see the sweet moves being pulled off.
Every character has their own special moves, but it can be hard trying to remember them all. I chose my favorite fighter (Sagat, of course), and learned all the moves over. I tried to switch characters, but that can be a little overwhelming. It is a lot of work to know all the moves for multiple characters, so I think this game is a one-character-for-one-player kind of game. I know, it can be a little disappointing, but Street Fighter has always been like this and that’s how to truly succeed. Plus, you have to stay true to one character, it builds… umm, character… and you must have confidence and pride in who you choose. I went with the skilled Muay Thai fighter, he has great kicks and strong knees. Sure, I chose the dark side (Sagat being the final boss in the original Street Fighter), but he has always been a great character, I guess I’m just a fan of those short-shorts. (Coincidentally, my second favorite fighter is M. Bison, who is the final boss in Street Fighter 2… weird).
The game includes the usual arcade mode and vs. mode, and what I found very enjoyable was the online modes. You can easily get online and fight another person one-on-one, in a multi-fighter tournament, or in an endless cycle of fighters. Sure, online fighters are all douchbags and use the pussy moves (jump and kick until the opponent is cornered), but if you learn a character well you can fight against this strategy and make many people cry somewhere else in this big world. There weren’t too many people playing online, it takes a while to find a fight (maybe too long of a wait for such short fights), but that’s what you get yourself into when you decide to play a not-so-popular game online. Also, online you won’t find much variety in characters. Most people you fight will either be Ryu or Ken, and in some occasions you will find a Balrog or Rufus, but not too often. Either way, playing online is a nice switch from the usual arcade story (even though each character brings a new story), and it’s fun to pwn some n00bs.
Okay, speaking of characters, let’s get to these new guys. I wasn’t a fan of all the new characters that were brought on after Street Fighter 2, I just feel like most of them are a little too cliché or copy other characters too much. We already have two guys in the traditional gi, we don’t need 6 more… just because they are different colors and the fire they spew from their hands is slightly different doesn’t mean that you’ve created a totally new and original character. In Street Fighter 4 we are introduced to 8 new characters, here are some of the stand-outs: Hakan, an oily wrestler. Yup, that’s pretty much it. But, don’t think he is gay or anything, the game director made sure everyone knows he is a loving father, just so people don’t think oily wrestlers are gay… yup. Gouken, who trained Ryu and Ken, and used to train with Akuma. He is an old, beast looking guy, almost resembling Zeus. Rufus is a fat dude who apparently has some moves. It has been said that he is one of the best characters, although it’s hard to tell with that chubby gut of his. Abel is another one of the gi wearers, but don’t be confused, his is blue! Psh, bullshit we need him. Ah, and who can forget Dr. Manhattan, er, I mean… Seth. Yup, the resemblance is there, but damn what a boring name. His moves are basically a little of everyone’s from the game, and the character is a straight up copy of the Watchmen. Someone should be watching him. As you can tell, most these characters are not so creative, but I guess if a long list of characters is what you seek, then you should be happy.
Without the sadness that brings about dumb characters, we can’t forget about how great this game is. We can still play with the originals (Vega, E. Honda, the lovable Blanca, and many more), but the addition of these stupid characters kind of upsets me. Let’s not overshadow the greatness though. Super Street Fighter 4 has very, very, very little flaws. It is a lot of fun and I’m sure tournaments with the buddies can be easily enjoyed. I still don’t understand the necessity of a “Super” to come out when it didn’t change much from the regular Street Fighter 4, but who cares, the game is great and I can’t and shouldn’t badmouth it anymore.
Fight on guys!
And the best song about video games is…
Super Mario Rap! 
I’m very excited for this win. I got into this song many years ago, I believe it was my brother who introduced me to it, and after many years of looking for it, I finally revisited it some months ago (much thanks to YouTube). It may be a little vulgar, but you can’t deny the hilarity of it. It’s true, it’s gotta be hard to get laid if you’re a plumber, but either way, Benefit really knows the game and has some great lyrics to show Mario’s struggle. Sure, as kids we would never think that Mario was just searching for the big finish on the flag pole, but as adults, we all know that Mario has more motives than just save the princess and see her smile. When was the last time the plumber got the girl? I can confidently say… never. So what if Benefit has a darker imagination on what Mario put his life on the line for, maybe he just needed some extra confidence for finishing the game (maybe just believed his buddy a little too much and wanted to sneak a peek at the princesses goods). Also, his dirty mind might come from his movie influences. Quoting Kids is a good sign that this dude watches some effed up movies about effed up subjects (I’m not dissing the movie, I actually think it’s a really good film). Enough excuses, Benefit gave us a hilarious rap about a classic game, and that is why it deserves the win this week. His crusade was simple, to get Mario laid, and it may be true, “Super Mario Brothers, best game ever made.”
RESULTS:
– Super Mario Rap by Benefit: 3 votes
– Mario Kart Love Song by Sam Hart: 2 votes (Love song and your last name is Hart… too coincidental if you ask me)
– The Arcade by Hyper Crush: 2 votes
– My Console by Eiffle 65: 2 votes (Stay blue guys)
– Playstation Generation by Smut Peddlers: 0 votes
These songs all have a great message: video games are awesome and they are worth expressing with the sweet sound of music. Don’t take that to heart though, people, there is the right way of giving props to your favorite games.
This is the right way: Stop Playing Homework and Do Your Video Games by A Video Game Quintet
This is the completely wrong and embarrassing way: Heli Oh Copter Song by LugeyPS3
Take notes.
FIFA Soccer 10 (2009)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Cheeky Goals
Warning: This review might contain a lot of criticism of the United States for not enjoying the sport of football as it should be enjoyed. For the sake of the article, and any confusion, I will continue on by referring to the sport as “soccer” and not football or futbol.
Many might not believe this, but FIFA gives EA Sports the most revenue out of any of their games. Sure, we can’t ignore the fact that it is sold all over the world (this being the world which views soccer as the best and most watched sport in the world), and their other titles, such as Madden, NHL 10, or NBA Live, probably don’t sell much outside the United States. But, don’t get me wrong, their sales aren’t coming just from the popularity of the sport, as it game it deserves to have high sales. EA Sports doesn’t usually come out with badly developed games, but the progression of the FIFA games have been extraordinary.
I’m guessing most people have not played FIFA ’96 or FIFA: Road to World Cup ’98, since that was before soccer was cool to follow in the United States, but those games already had great gameplay. Every year that a new FIFA game comes out, I wonder how it can get better the next year, how can EA Sports make the graphics, the controls, the sound, the anything of the game any better. Obviously, somehow, they do it. FIFA 10 has probably the best controls and best movement than any previous game. They really do put a lot of work in to make perfect what already seemed perfect the year before. I mean, I won’t ignore FIFA ’08, which I believed to be a terrible game with many flaws, but that was after a lot of change from the previous game and too much change brough about a bad game. At least they got it right the next year.
FIFA 10 includes over 500 teams, which are either from 31 leagues from around the world or the 41 national teams that you can play with. This is a great boost to their game, and I can’t say how this fares in other nations, but I doubt anyone in the United States has used a team from 25 of those leagues. Anyone ever heard of the team Notts County F.C.? I’m guessing no, and they got first place in the Football League One from England (this is two leagues lower than the English Premier League). I will put money on it that no more than a handful of people have ever used this team on FIFA.
Alright, back to the gameplay. This new FIFA has the best controls out of any that I have played, and many agree with me. The smooth moves with the ball by your feet, the movement off the ball, and even the passing have all been made close to perfect. You can easily place the ball where you want it, and calling your player to move up for the ball is just a button away (and this time they actually listen and make a run). Each player actually shows their prowress with the ball in this game, and they show off the skills that they actually obtain in real life. You won’t see a player like Walter Samuel pulling off too many moves in this game, they know he doesn’t have the skills to do more then beat the crap out of forwards and protect the keeper. If you want to test the touch in this game, mess around with your player during the opening of the game (where you can shoot on goal), you will see that there is a large number of tricks to pull off. I have practiced these moves a lot and you can really have a lot of fun with it, you can make your juggling look something like this if you really try. And if you ever get into penalty kicks with your buds, try out the Zinedine Zidane shot (I mean his cheeky PK, not his headbutt). “El Loco” Abreu tried it out in the World Cup, you should too, all you have to do is hold L1 while you shoot the penalty (I’m sure most people don’t remember his shot, but it was during the best game of the tournament… try to guess which?).
Manager mode, virtual pro, and ultimate team are all great modes, but nothing too entertaining if you ask me. They can take up some time, but nothing is better than a great challenge between pals in FIFA. At times you might not have someone to play with, but that’s when you pick up a FPS and wait to kick the ball around virtually. Playing a league can actually be fun, playing a match or two a day, but it still doesn’t compare to taking on your buddy.
This game really does keep getting better and better every year. FIFA ’11 should be coming out in a couple months, and we should expect nothing better then perfection from this game. I know, the World Cup is already over, so Americans probably won’t care about soccer for another 4 years, but maybe seeing one of their favorite players on the cover of the game might make them buy it. Who knows, EA Games might put Landon Donovan on the cover again, he’s good right? I mean, as long as they don’t go with Franck Ribery, they shouldn’t go down in sales.
Super Smash Bros. (1999)
VERDICT: 
10/10 Killer Down Kicks
So, when you have a dorm room filled by 6 guys, 4 gaming systems, and too many games to count, which game would be the most played? Halo? Call of Duty? Nope… Super Smash Bros! Whenever there was free time, we would get a game of Smash going. Whenever we were about to be late to class, we would play a quick game of Smash. Whenever there was no one in the room, we were playing solo, trying to perfect our character. Let’s see, how else can I explain how much we played Smash… well, I will say that in many occasions we would get stuck in an intense game and skip a party on a Friday night to see who the champion would be. I know, it got a little ridiculous, but can you expect anything else? This game is addicting, it is challenging, it is entertaining, and it is a great competition.
As for the details of the game: it is an all-out battle in little platform levels. You choose from a group of 12 characters, all from previous games. You have Mario and Luigi from the Mario series, Samus from Metroid, Pikachu and Jiggly Puff from the Pokemon series, and others. They all have a list of moves, but all done with the same buttons. So “up B” in the air is always a recovery move, meaning that it can hurt others, but it’s intention is to help you get some distance to get back from off the platform (Jiggly Puff does not have this move, but that’s because she is the worst character in the game). You start to learn your character’s moves pretty quickly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up every once in a while. Success is still possible with a random character because of the buttons working the same way for all characters.
Story mode consists of about a dozen levels showcasing all the characters in their home stadiums. This can actually be pretty fun if you put some challenge into it. Obviously, playing it on easy with as many lives as possible is cool, but once you try for the hardest difficulty with only one life to spare, things get serious. Again, you face all the characters, but most have some variety. So, instead of just fighting Donkey Kong one-on-one, you have two allies and you face Giant DK (a very challenging opponent, I might add, especially if you want to get the bonus points for keeping your buddies alive). Also, instead of fighting Mario mano-a-mano, you fight the two plumber brothers with your own random partner. You better watch out though, Luigi will catch you with that vicious uppercut and you are d-o-n-e.
The graphics are basic N64, 3D graphics. Nothing to rave about, but still nothing that will bore you. Your characters can perform some beautiful moves, and I can’t count the times one of my roommates or I have paused the game mid-move to see the greatness. Sure, you pause at times and see some funny screen-shots of messed up graphics, but that is to be expected with an old game. The levels all look great, too. They all have they characteristics, from Samus’ world with the rising lava, or Saffron City with Pokemon attacking every so often, so, each can be appreciated for different things. Some characters are better in some levels, and some worse in others, but that takes a while to figure out.
Okay, let’s man-up right now. People who are serious about their Smash are really serious. There are people out there who really care about their Smash, who will stick by their character even if it is a small, yellow rat, people who care for their characters and learn the timing of every move so they can perform at their best when facing other top contenders. You can start to figure out which moves they are about to pull off and which one of your moves will over power theirs. Sure, anyone can play as Samus and “up B” every chance they get and get you stuck in the spin move, but that is a rookie move. It takes time and skill to learn the timing of your character, and it takes even more time to learn your opponent. Again, as arrogant as I am with my video games, I will share my thoughts on some of the characters:
DK: Gorilla. I will admit it, my roommate can really get some kills with this guy, but he is an advanced-rookie player. Sure, he will have the most kills, but he won’t win. DK can’t do anything against quickness, and come on, every other character is faster than DK (except for maybe Jiggly Puff).
Samus: Just a girl. Another advance-rookie player. She has the moves to win some games, but she doesn’t have moves to dominate. Her blast is a great weapon, but against advanced players (Ness and Fox), the blast works for their advantage… So, it kind of sucks when your best move is used against you, doesn’t it? I will admit that I grew up with Samus as my character, but once I moved to a pro-player, I had to move on to a better character.
Ness: Too quick for you. He really is unfair. But, don’t get me wrong, it takes awhile to learn his moves, and it takes awhile to get him to be unfair. His moves are really strong and his grab is way too fast. He can kill you all game with just grabs and that can be unfair. But, still, he may be the best of the characters. Quickest and most powerful down-kick, nuff said.
Kirby: Bitch. I’m sorry Jake, but I will stick by it. Kirby is a n00b player with strong moves, I have always thought so. He/she, whatever it is, is not worth the time. Kirby is on the same level as Samus, Mario, and Luigi; they have strong moves, but they just don’t have the skills of the top players.
Fox: Beast. His moves are strong, he is quick, and reflecting weapons might be the best thing he has going for him. Once you perfect the “down B” reflector, and once you can really be fast with it, there is no doubt you will take out your opponents fast. They throw anything at you and it is going right back to them (but be careful with those bombs, they will hurt you in they are thrown straight down at you). Also, his up kick might be one of the best moves in the game, it controls you and kills you in a 3-kick combo.
Pikachu: Lightning quick. Speed is always a winner, and he’s got tons and tons of it.
Here is my theory, and my roommates have heard this many times: after years of playing with the same people, we have evolved as Smash players, and we evolve every game. We first learn our opponents and we adapt to their moves, but if you’re playing with another skilled player, they will figure out how you have adapter and they in part will adapt and find a new move. So on, and so on, and after 3 years of playing with the same people, I honestly could not count how many times we have had to evolve and change our gameplay to be able to succeed. If you took the moves I used 3 years ago (or even the characters I used) and compared them to today, you would encounter a completely different game. It’s kind of like seeing Barry Bonds when he started playing baseball, and Barry Bonds now, after he worked out a lot (haha).
I know, I am really sharing how much I play this game, and to tell you the truth, I don’t mind. This is one of the greatest games I have ever played, and I do not intend on ever stopping. Sure, people have moved on to Super Smash Brawl or Super Smash Melee, but I will stick with the original, it really has everything you need, and the others just try too hard to pick-up the pace of the game and it doesn’t work. Super Smash Bros. was perfect from the beginning, and I really think that the second and third game just cannot compete. So, everyone, choose your character (try to guess who I would play with), pick a level (Hyrule, of course), and let’s Smash!
Miami Shark (2009)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Brutal Sharks
I thought that for my flash review I would give tribute to the greatest week of the year… Shark Week! And, what could be more brutal than controlling a beast shark through Miami while tearing apart everything in your path?
There really isn’t a story for this game. You are cruising in Miami and you’re jump around eating everything. Swimmers, yup, they are chomped down. A bunch of girls on a banana-boat, yup, they are torn to pieces. Sail boats, they don’t stand a chance against this majestic beast. Stealth fighter jets? Really? You think they can do anything against the power in this sharks jaw? And do I even have to mention the huge Boeing plane? Come on, it’s dragged to the bottom on that ocean so quickly.
The controls are basic; you move around with the arrow keys, diving all the way down and coming up for extra ups (so you can reach the planes and bring them down), and you either press “A” or “Ctrl” to bite. You have a time limit, and your goal is to destroy as many things as you can. Sure, there are combos, but all you should care about is demolishing anything in sight. The graphics are pretty basic, but at least you can enjoy yourself as everything explodes around you. How do you make 2D graphics better? Just add more cowbell.. er, I mean, explosions. Side not, the music sucks, just turn it off. They have some Power Rangers wanna-be power rock, and it gets annoying really fast. What also sucks, they don’t have a mute button on the game, so you’ll have to mute the computer (I did this before I even hit “start game”).
So, let’s talk sharks. They are cool right? I mean, who doesn’t like sharks? This guy maybe.. or this guy.. but still, we all have Facebook, we can all see how many fans of Shark Week there are. So, do yourself a favor and play this game. You will have a lot of fun cutting through the crowds like warm butter, and it’s another way of celebrating this amazing week when you can’t tune into the Discovery Channel. Don’t like dolphins? Well, you can pick them out of your teeth after playing Miami Shark (kind of like with this seal). Don’t like bridges? Well, you can’t eat them in this game, but you can watch Mega Shark the movie to see this happen. Okay, sorry I got off topic, but sharks are just so effing cool! This game will entertain you for some time, and if it doesn’t, then check out the sequel, Sydney Shark (Miami Shark 2)… maybe tearing up someone else’s country will be better for you.
BioShock 2 (2010)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Daddy Issues
BioShock is known for being one of the best games to ever come out. I had a great time with that game, and I can’t wait to replay it so that I can give it the review it deserves. But, BioShock 2 did not give me the same satisfaction that the first installment did. I am not going to downplay this sequel in any way because it still should be played by everyone, but it does not have the pull-and-grab that the first game had. I read a review of the game, I forget where, but it said that one of the big factors in BioShock 2 not having as good reception as BioShock was the fact that Rapture (where the game takes place) is not new to us. That might have a big part in the 7/10 verdict, but I guess I should try to explain it a little better.
In BioShock we played as a plane crash survivor, Jack, who later is revealed to have a huge part in the making/future of Rapture (I won’t say more because anyone who has not played the first game should go buy it now and play it till the finish, nonstop), but in this second installment, we play as a Big Daddy (the first created, actually) and we are on a search for the Little Sister that we are supposed to protect. We soon find out that the Little Sister we are looking for is actually the daughter of Sofia Lamb, the bitch who made us shoot ourselves in the head and who is going to destroy the city of Rapture. Throughout the game we are on the search for our Little Sister, while taking down other Big Daddies and stealing their Little Sisters (well, either saving them or killing them, you choose), and while trying to defeat the army of Big Sisters that Lamb has sent against us.
What a messed up family picture, eh?
Alright, as far as the gameplay goes, it’s pretty darn good. You get lots of cool guns and powers pretty quick into the game (and not to mention that badass drill on your hand), and it is a lot of fun taking down Splicers with the array of weapons at your disposal. From the first chapters of the game we already get telekinesis, lightning power, a bolt gun, machine gun… Come on, who wouldn’t have a good time picking up corpses and chucking them at the enemies? The weapons get better, and you can also get better ammo for the weapons. The game really put a lot of effort into making sure you have everything you need to take down anyone coming at you. The controls are also a breeze to learn, even with the many guns and powers that you get (and different ammo). You quickly pick up the controls, and just as quickly you are running around shooting some Splicers, drilling others, and hacking into a vending machine in no time.
The only problem I have with the game play is that the Splicers that come to attack you are a little too obvious, and they aren’t very hard to kill. This is supposed to be a horror game, but it becomes too easy to figure out that when they place items in corners or toilets, as soon as you turn back around there will be a bad guy waiting to hack at you. And this is not coming from someone who is a big tough guy, nothing can scare me kind of guy… I am a huge pussy when it comes to surprises (in movies, in games, in anything), so when I am ready to turn around in this game, I known that something will be waiting for me, yet I still jump. So, if you got any more hair on your chest then I do, you might not jump as much, but I’m sure you will know that the Splicers will be there waiting for you.
The story is still pretty great in this game, but again, it just doesn’t match up with the original. And believe me, I really don’t want this to become a whole “the original is better” type of post, this game is really good, but when you have such a great predecessor, it is hard not to compare so much. The story has suspense, horror, and twists that everyone loves, but again, it just doesn’t come as surprising to me. I do really enjoy the Little Sister army that you are creating (with the help of your own Little Sister), and that part of the story is great. Finding where they are, killing their Daddies, and making them help you find ADAM to make yourself better (by the way, I love finding the Little Sisters and their Big Daddies because they are always having such a fun, cute time before I start to shoot at the big hunk of metal). Here is where the moral fiber comes along. You can kill them and get extra ADAM, making yourself a lot better, or you can save them and hope that they help you back in the future. So, if you care about your Little Sisters, then you will Adopt them, but if you are a selfish Big Daddy, then you Harvest the Little Sisters and let them die off. Decisions, decisions.
If you want to play a great, deep, dark first-person-shooter, then this will make you very happy. I love the 60’s theme (Madmen fans out there?), the setting is still amazing, and with every detail shown off for us to appreciate the efforts they put in. The dialogue, the music, everything is really a joy to look at. Graphics are a small, small step below BioShock‘s, but it really isn’t that noticable. You will still have a great time watching the Splicers bleed, and you will still love every cut scene there is. Rapture is one of the greatest game settings I have ever encountered, and I will never forget it. This underwater world really is beautifully dismantled, and it will go down as one of the greatest dystopias ever imagined. I just hope that the upcoming BioShocks find a way to make it surprisingly amazing again (word is that they want to make it a 5 part series).
I will make a point to say that I did not have the time to finish the game yet, I am close to the end (a couple more hours and I should be good), and I promise to you all that if I find any reason to change anything I say because of the end of the game, I will comment them. With that being said, I still encourage you all to play BioShock 2, just don’t expect the amazement that came from the original… I know, shitty to finish on a comparison, but sadly it is what it is.
And the best joy stick is…
The N64 and the Playstation controllers tie! 
It was a close poll this week. I think the right joy sticks won out, though. The N64 controller is probably the weirdest hand piece and the Playstation one is the most efficient. I guess Nintendo should have kept their tri-forced controller (get it? like the triforce from Zelda? I know, I’m clever). Sure, the Wii-mote is revolutionary, but the people have spoken, and they much prefer to have to choose where their hand should be placed then to have holes all over their walls. Also, the Playstation has been perfected throughout the years, and I guess that makes people happy? From creating a comfortable joy stick on the PSone, to adding the analog sticks for the PS2, and finally making the controller wireless for the PS3; the Playstation controllers have progressed smoothly. And to be frank, I think the reason I never got hooked on the Xbox is because of their first controller… it was a fat piece of junk that was way too uncomfortable to hold.
RESULTS:
– N64: 5 votes
– Playstation: 5 votes
– XBox: 4 votes (Fatties need love too, I guess… Fatty controllers, that is)
– SNES: 2 votes
– NES: 1 vote (I know someone with a tattoo of this controller… I’m going to guess this was his vote)
– Atari: 0 votes (Really? No love for the grandfather controller?)
– Dreamcast: 0 votes (I guess Cartman couldn’t get his vote in)
– Sega: 0 votes (Six buttons was too much for gamers)
– Wii: 0 votes
I’m surprised no one voted for the Dreamcast, I must say, the VMU was the coolest memory card ever. Any who, great voting this week guys! I know I left out a controller, but I couldn’t have everyone vote for this one, that would ruin the fun of the poll.
Wii Sports (2006)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Virtual Sweats
Many games become outdated and boring, it happens fast, and it’s a very upsetting time. When you realize that your game has a better purpose then to sit on your dusty shelf, even if that purpose is to get 7 bucks for the sell back, it feels like a pixellated knife slicing through your chest (or back if it’s really sneaky). Every time I come across this situation I cry a single tear, I actually take a picture of this single tear, label it after which game created the single tear, and I keep every picture of said single tears in a box under my bed, also labeled, “Single Tear Box.” I know, it is a lot to go through just because a game has no chance at ever being placed inside my gaming system again, but it hurts to know that you took all the joy out of something and you’re on your way to get about 10% back of what you spent from the blood-suckers of the gaming industries (harsh words, but they are true… They take our games back, for no more than 13 bucks back in our pockets, and then sell them out as used for 45 dollars, I don’t like it).
Damn, that was a long rant to just say this: Wii Sports does not get boring… Sorry guys.
This game has been out for a long time, but I still want to play it on weekends and woop some ass at any given sport (you hear that Kris? Challenge me again, I dare you). Obviously, it is the most simple of games, but sometimes simplicity creates the best party game. Mario Party is rolling dice and playing simple mini-games, Guitar Hero can be great at parties even if you are playing on easy mode, and Mario Kart is a step up in difficulty but still just driving and trying to knock-out your buddies with a red shell. Wii Sports can be played by little sisters, grandparents, drunken roommates, and maybe even your dogs (I’m sure that would be a great trick to show-off at your next party). The game really is that great because of the diversity of the audience it attracts. I have seen every single age demographic pick up a Wii Remote and Nunchuk, from the 4-year-olds right up to the 64-year-olds, this game will have anyone jumping around trying to smack the air (and hopefully keep a nice grip on the controllers).
The game includes baseball, bowling, tennis, boxing, and golf. Not to toot my own horn here, but I am Pro at all the sports except for baseball… and that is just because the baseball game sucks. Well, to be fair, most the games you become Pro from playing one player, and the baseball game is not fun by yourself. I have spent many hours hitting home-runs on my brother, but that didn’t give me my much-needed Pro status. Enough tooting. Each sport is a blast to play, either by yourself, with a partner, or with a group of friends. Sure, it has some problems. It is beyond frustrating when you swing your pretend racket and you completely miss the tennis ball, but come one, that’s to be expected from a game like this. And not to mention all the great mini-games. You can challenge your friends to a bowling match, but it is also a great time trying to perfect that spin in the practice games. Home-run derby… who wouldn’t enjoy that? This game has endless possibilities.
My favorite of the sports has to be golf. Well, actually, it might be bowling… ugh, but boxing is so much fun too……….. Um, I guess it is hard to choose, but for the sake of not writing for hours, let’s pretend that golf is my favorite game right now. They provide a beautiful 9-hole course, three different difficulties, and every time you pick up the clubs you will have a blast. I love trying to beat my lowest score (I won’t brag and share that.. but it is better than Tiger would do), and trying to learn Wii golf is really just like trying to learn real golf. I mean, sure it obviously isn’t real golf, but it is a real game and it does take time and skill to get a perfect swing. The sensors can muck-up sometimes while putting, but that’s no different then shanking a 5-foot put.
I am not awarding Wii Sports with an 8 out of 10 because of the amazing graphics, or incredible game-play, I am giving the game such a high score because it is an amazing party game, it will bring hours upon hours of fun, and it deserves to be treated well because it has brought me so much enjoyment in the past 4 years.
So, everyone blow the dust off your Wiis (we all know no one has played theirs since two-thousand-and-late), find that little slip-cover that came in your Wii box, and slide in that disc. If you’re alone, aim to be a Pro (come on, try to be as good as me), if you have family around, tell them that it’s good for bonding (there is nothing funnier than a parent’s first experience with the Wii), and if you’re with some pals, grab a thirty-rack and start picking up those spares. Anyway you look at it, you will have a great time. Just don’t forget to slip those controllers tightly around your wrist, no one wants this to happen to their television.
Gradius III (1991)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Essential Ripples
Ah, the memories.. I will never forget the day I beat this game. It is a great achievement in my life, to have spent so many hours on Gradius III, and gotten passed the last level (and by “so many hours,” I really mean way too many hours spend on this game). This will always be one of my favorite games for the Super NES. But, back to that glorious day; the stars were aligned, the hot chocolate was just right, the power-ups kept coming, I needed no continues, but.. oh, that dreaded high-speed level.. I conquered it that day, but I still wake up screaming some nights thinking about the challenges that appear when the level comes up.
Before I have Nam-like flashbacks, let’s get to work. Gradius III is a simple side-scrolling shooter game. You have your Vic Viper (your ship), and you chose your upgrades of choice before you start the game. Different levels bring about different enemies, and some provide you with upgrades, which I will talk about soon. The game came out in 1989, in Japan, but was not brought over to the States until 1991. Before hitting the U.S. of A., Gradius had the prequels (I and II, obviously), but they were only arcade games. It wasn’t until December of 1990 that the game was made for the Super Famicom, and then in 1991 for the SNES. I, of course, have a life-long marriage to my Super Nintendo Entertainment System, and I am reviewing that copy of Gradius III. This version does have some slight differences from the original arcade one, but no more than being able to choose difficulties and self-appointed upgrades.
This game takes time to master, you can just ask my roommate Mike all about that. Let’s just say it is very frustrating when one hit will kill you and ruin your weapon upgrades. The first minute or so of each level are identical, so, this is when you have to take advantage and get those upgrades, they are so needed. Once the levels show their true sides, you are engulfed in creatures, from bugs to golden fire-dragons, and ending in unforgettable bosses: the crab legs, the bubble, the Easter Island heads, and so on. It is a lot of fun getting through these levels, especially if you master it and upgrade your weapons as much as possible. You get to a point where it seems like nothing can touch you, but don’t get too cocky. When you are deep into a later level and you’re shot down, you will lose all your upgrades and it will turn into a very difficult game. You’re basically stranded in the middle of deep, deep shit with nothing more than a one-shooter ray gun.
Alright, let’s talk about the awesome upgrades. The game lets you choose some pre-selected combination of upgrades.. ignore those, they are for n00bs. Going to “edit mode” allows you to pick from each category your favorite upgrade. As egotistical as I am, I believe that I found the perfect combination for total domination, so, here it is:
First Upgrade: Speed up. You don’t choose this one, it is automatic, but you will want to use it for the first two upgrades you get. Speed helps. (You will have to speed up about 5-6 times if you want to have anything close to a chance on the high-speed level).
Missile Upgrade: Two way back. This allows you to focus on enemies in front of you while these back missiles take out anything creeping from your hind side.
Double Upgrade: Doesn’t matter. Don’t waste upgrade credits on this, it is a waste. You have much better weapons ahead, it is worth it to save up.
Laser Upgrade: Ripple. This is one of the most important upgrades. I’ve tried every other option, and Ripple is definitely the best bet. It grows the farther it goes, giving it a better radius of damage. Trust me, it is the best laser.
Option Upgrade: F. Option. R. Option is also a good choice, but when you only have one or two Options, it is good to know where is it (F. Option stays in place, R. Option rotates around you). These shoot at the same time you do, and with the same laser that you upgraded to. So, once you get your laser upgrade, it is very important to spend all other upgrades to get every Option possible. When you have all those extra gunner around you, you are as close to unbeatable as you will ever get.
? Upgrade: R. Shield. This way, you have your options shooting from a still position and your shield rotating around you. It is the best way to protect your very sensitive Vic Viper.
! Upgrade: Mega Crush. When you have everything else upgraded, then you worry about the ! upgrade. Basically, this will just blow up everything around you. But, don’t think it should be used a lot. It is a waste of upgrade points, only use it if you are done upgrading everything else and you don’t need a new shield.
Hints: Shields are very important. It is great to have some extra hits before you blow up. Speed up is very important for the high-speed level, but if you want to slow down after that (I bet you will want to, for sure) just use speed up more and it will bring you back to the slowest speed. Don’t forget about your upgrades! If you keep grabbing upgrade credits without using them (you hit them mid-game, which can get distracting while shooting down bad guys) you will restart the cycle of upgrades and basically waste any credits that you had.
This game is truly amazing. I have spent many hours on it, including during my college career. That wonderful day that I defeted this game was many years ago. I was a child, I had time to waste, and it was so well wasted. I have not been able to recreate the memorable day again, but trust me kids, I will not stop until I can raise my hands and say that I have defeated the brain again. Brain will go down.
Shariff Sam (2010)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Not-So-Sturdy Steeds
This was surprisingly an alright game! I thought picking the first game on Armor Games front page would have been risky, and probably would have led to a boring review about a terrible game, but it gave me some good entertainment. It takes a long time to find a great, addicting, flash games, I was real glad to know that the first shot gave me a great time-waster.
Well, while Sheriff Sam was talking a stupendous stroll on his steed named Argo, a stone stopped the splendid summer afternoon. Argo stumbles and splits his leg, and of course, Sheriff Sam needs to protect his steed as his messenger bird seeks help. If the story isn’t too weird for you yet, wait until I tell you the enemies: vultures, ghosts, UFOs, zombies, and of course, sharks. Keep the bad guys away from Argo and shoot them all down. Easy game, and will definitely have you hooked for a good, umm, maybe 30 minutes?
I don’t know about you, but I really enjoy old-school 8-bit graphics. It’s always fun to take a step back and enjoy the simplicity of a game. And pause on that thought, I am not saying anything about the “classic” 8-bit game, Tetris. I am saying that it is nice when a game uses such graphics for fun, for a nice little reminder of the past. I don’t want to play the past over, I just want to remember it. Okay, so with that cleared up, the game brings a refreshing look to flash games. I know, others flash games have done it before, a lot, and I give props to those games as well. Basically, what I am trying to say, I like the 8-bit look on flash games, they put a nice smile on my face.
Another smile creator: witty dialogue. I’ll admit, the jokes get kind of annoying after 5 waves, but before that, Sheriff Sam has some great dry wit. His conversations with Argo (yes, I said conversations with his trusty steed) are very amusing. Don’t take my word for it (wait, actually, do, that’s why you’re reading this), just check out this game. If you have the time to waste, Sheriff Sam will make good use of it. It won’t blow your brains out with entertainment, but when all you need is something to take up some minutes, games like these do the job.
God of War III (2010)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Brutal Beatings
I’ve always wondered the amount of gore that a video game needed to get that high-and-mighty “Mature” rating. Well, God of War III answered that very quickly. Before I get to the fun stuff, let’s talk about the game:
If you have played any of the previous two installments from this series and had a great time, then obviously this game is for you. Santa Monica Studio and their team have not veered far away from the original recipe for success. The story progresses the same as the previous, with a quick pace and a hunger for revenge. If you remember the end of the second game, we are left as the Titan, Gaia, is giving Kratos a piggyback ride up Mount Olympus and they are seeking to kill Zeus. I know, it sounds like a great time, right? Well, things don’t go so smooth, and thus begins God of War III (smart writing, b-t-dubbs).
The game really has not changed much at all from the first God of War, which came out 5 years ago. Obviously the game moves a lot smoother and the cut scenes looks freakin’ amazing. I literally can’t put into words how great the cut scenes have become. I could sit and watch them over and over again as a movie just because they are so entertaining, so action packed, and the graphics are close to perfect. As for gameplay, the same as before: button smashing works great in a crowd of skeletons and Cyclopes, the moves look real badass when you’re not hit from behind and stopped mid-move, and the puzzles are easy to get through as long as you have half a brain. I mean, really, this series is not known for having brilliant puzzles, it is known for gore and button-mashing fun. Although, this third game did try a little too hard to be like Prince of Persia with the puzzles. I remember puzzles in the first two involving moving big blocks and maybe swinging around the level quickly, but nothing as intense and frustrating as Prince of Persia‘s room puzzles. Well, at least they didn’t succeed in perfecting them, that might have ruined the game.
Since the game is almost a clone of the others, but with a new story, let’s talk about the fun you can have with this third installment (and p.s. when I say almost a clone, I really mean it. Most the levels are the same that are used in the previews games, and I found that a little disappointing). First, we have new weapons. The commercials overplay those big, metal, lion gloves he wears, and it is well deserved. The Nemean Cestus will knock around any mythological creature that comes across you, and damn, it is fun to watch those little bad guys crumble with a big right hook. Once you steal these from Hercules you will never want to use another weapon, no doubt about it.
Second: gore, gore, and more gore. Sure, all other God of War games have had a ridiculous amount of blood and guts, but they really don’t compare to God of War III. The satisfaction that you get when you gut a centaur, it’s incredible. And I’m not talking knifing the bitch and leaving him to die, Kratos will gut him straight-up and watch the insides ooze out onto the dirty ground. Oh, and remember when you used to take out the Cyclops’ eye? Well, now we get a close up of Kratos digging his fingers behind the eye socket and ripping out the lone-eye from the poor beast. It all sounds gross, but trust me, it is a lot more gruesome to actually watch happen.
And last, might be a spoiler, but the death of the Greek gods = AWESOME. I won’t mention all of them, but here are some great kills to look forward to. (I will say, if you have not played God of War III yet and don’t want the bosses ruined, I would skip over the next part of this post).
Helios: He receives a stiff ass-wooping, followed by an Edward Norton-esque face stomping, and ending with a quick manual decapitation.
Poseidon: The usual Kratos beating, followed by some vicious eye-gouging. I thought the scene is 28 Days Later freaked me out, when Scarecrow jams his fingers in the army dudes eyes, but that does not compare to what Kratos does to Poseidon. (And I’m pretty sure that in the first game, Poseidon is the first God to have your back and help you out.. weird)
Hermes: Well, this had to be expected. As soon as you see the devilish look as Kratos eyeballs Hermes’ winged boots, you know what is going to happen. But, of course, God of War can’t have you guessing how the wings will be taken off this poor messenger. Instead of doing it the easy way (drinking a Red Bull of course), Kratos decides to torture Hermes and he slowly cuts off his legs, just to take the boots off. Totally understandable.
Hercules: Oh-My-God. I thought the beating was done when you take down your brother Hercules, but Kratos has some pent-up sibling rage. Let’s just say that the game urges you to keep pressing the square button, many times, and one after another, Kratos rains down punches to Hercules’ face. What is left over you ask? Best described as.. Mashed potatoes.
The only thing lacking in this game is probably an original story. It is all based on revenge, again (I’m tired of it Kratos, grow up already!), and the writers could have figured out a better way to start the adventure. Besides that, the game is exactly what I expected: non-stop action, lots of blood and gore, and infinite fun. If you liked the previews games in this series, then there is no reason not to play this one. If you didn’t like the first games, go back to playing The Sponge Bob Square Pants video game, and be careful while you cross the street to get to Weenie Hut Jr’s, look both ways!
And the best video game bad guy is…
Sephiroth! 
Who wouldn’t have predicted this? From the second you see this BAFM you have no option but to love a bad boy. He is tall, dark, and I guess you could call him hansom. I don’t think I am out of line when I give a lot of the credit for FFVII to Sephiroth. To have a great game you need great villains, they bring out the greatness in the hero and they are so important to the story. Sephiroth has seeped into our hearts quickly, and even if you love Cloud, you still have to give it up to the best bad guy in video games (even if he was voiced by Lance Bass for part of his video game life).
RESULTS:
– Sephiroth: 12 votes (True Badass)
– Ganondorf: 7 votes
– Vamp: 2 votes (Mike, how did you vote twice?)
– Arthas: 1 vote
– Alma: 1 vote (I’m glad to know I’m not the only one haunted by this girl)
– Nemesis: 1 vote
– M. Bison: 1 vote
– Lavos: 1 vote
– Giygas: 0 votes (No love for the best game ever!)
– Others: Pope Alexander VI from Assassin’s Creed 2, Diablo from Diablo, GLaDOS from Portal, Team Rocket from Pokemon
Another great week of voting guys, thanks a bunch! Whoever voted Diable must have read my mind, he was an honorable mention in the poll, game-time decision made me take him off, haha. And I’m glad someone out there called out GLaDOS, good looks on Portal, someone knows their shit.
The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks (2009)
VERDICT: 
6/10 Long Journeys
W00t w00t, Blackout 2010! Well, let me start by apologizing for the lateness of today’s post, a storm took out all the power around my area and I have not been able to charge my computer, or even find internet anywhere. With that being said, the only option I had to game was on my DSi, and I know it’s another Zelda game (a little too early for that), but it’s all I had to work with.
Before I start to downplay the enjoyment of this game, let me say that I had an amazing time playing this game. I started Spirit Tracks after my birthday this past December (Omg, I know, a birthday memory again.. Damn, this blackout has me being repetitive), it gave me everything I expected from a Zelda game, but not much more than that. The graphics resemble Wind Waker, and the story is supposed to be some time after the events of Phantom Hourglass. Now, we can say that the story is getting stale, but really it is just expanding. Since these are installments for the Nintendo hand-helds they can’t offer the amazement that we all get from Ocarina or Twilight Princess, but it definitely took my mind off of the blackout all over the Bethesda area.
The story is much like the past cel-shaded Zelda games. You are the link between the different lands around, which of course are the usuals: fire, water, earth, and ice. In this game your trusty source of transportation is a steam train and the Spirit Tracks, which you have to revive. I hate to be brief, but, like all Zelda games, you have some dude who steals Zelda and you have to get her back while you bring light to the world. Asshole just wants to join the three sides of the Triforce.
So, instead of boring you with another long post about the usual Zelda story, I want to talk about the side missions in Spirit Tracks. Most the weekend I went around the lands finishing every side mission that I could find. If you go from town-to-town, people ask you for favors and for rides, and from these they award you with a Triforce-looking-piece that makes the Spirit Tracks grow and reveal new levels. The fun you can have going around and helping is amazing, and I know that sounds stupid, but side missions sometimes makes a game. The only downside is the long train rides you have to take to get from town-to-town. Dumb birds attack you and ruin your trip (like, literally, by hitting you and making you restart the missions). The side missions in Spirit Tracks really have brought me back to this game. Since I have not played it in so long, it took me a while to pick it back up, I didn’t know where I was in the game and I didn’t know what was next, but these missions have rekindled my enjoyment of the game.
The graphics are good if you enjoy cel-shading (which I do), the story is great because Zelda has not given me a bad adventure yet (excluding Majora’s Mask), and the gameplay is a great time. I won’t say that this is one of the best Zeldas out there, it can bore you at times and it can get tiring riding on the tracks so much, but when all you’re expecting is a good puzzles and ongoing adventure, then this game will give you what you need. Well, to be honest, every Zelda will give you that, but if I had to choose one from the series to play, this would not be it. And, if I had to choose one to play for my DSi, then Phantom Hourglass would be it.
Tetris (1984)
VERDICT: 
4/10 Bathroom Games
I may get a lot of crap for this, but my secret needs to come out: I hate Tetris. I know, how could I hate Tetris? And it’s not that I just hate it, I really hate it. I feel so strongly against this game, I can’t even argue with people who say this is a good game because I just do not understand them.
I don’t think I have to explain how this game is played since I’m sure every single person in the world has played it. But, I don’t think every person knows the history of this game. It didn’t hit the U.S. until 1989, but obviously I have an earlier date in the title for this post. Tetris was actually created by Russian Alexey Pajitnov in 1984. There were some fight for the rights to the game, but basically Nintendo put out their version in 1989, and that’s all that matter. So, if you like to support the USSR, then keep playing Tetris, but I’ll keep away from this Commie game.
So, now starts my rant on why this game is terrible, and why I was generous and gave it a 4 out of 10. Sure, I will admit that this game is a classic, and I’m sure that in the 80’s it was an awesome game and there was nothing else like it, but frankly, I don’t understand why anyone would actually spend their time playing this. Cool, weirdly shaped bricks come down and you have to make sure they fit in the right place.. Sounds exhilarating. I can have a better time arranging the food in my packed fridge, I mean, it’s the same concept. The game is to organize shapes, why not spend your time organizing your room instead. Sure, you won’t have numbers telling you how good you’re doing, but you’re getting the same enjoyment from arranging things the right way.
Game Informer came out with their list of 200 best games ever a couple of months ago, sadly they chose to put Tetris as number 3 best game ever. It was a disappointing list. They claimed it was “ageless,” ha, don’t make me laugh. You can’t tell me that if you had the choice of playing Call of Duty, FIFA 10, or Half-Life you would still say that Tetris is a better game. I can’t deny the fact that it was probably fun for the old geezers who played video games during the era of the Atari joystick, but you can not call a game like this “ageless,” or even let it compare to the likes of great games of today (God of War, Halo, or Dead Space). You put Kid Icarus in front of me, or even the old Donkey Kong and I would spend hours playing those over this piece of crap game.
A wise man once told me, “Tetris is a bathroom game.” I’m sure he meant that it gives you a great time-waster while you’re dropping off the kids at the pool, but I’m going to take it another way.. This game is a bathroom game because it deserves to be pissed on and desecrated. I really mean it when I say that I hate this game. It is a waste of time, it is a terrible excuse for entertainment, and it deserves to be soiled on by everyone. And don’t get me started on Pac-Man either, because as soon as I feel like trashing another game I will choose that dumb, yellow, dot eater and his ugly wife.
Balloon in a Wasteland (2010)
VERDICT: 
8/10 Angry Black Blobs
I doubt you will notice, but my post today was a little late.. I will blame this game. I lost track of time, I really wanted to finish (and get all the upgrades, of course), and I started to write a little later than usual. I guess that is a good thing, and I guess that is why I gave it an 8 out of 10. Well, that and other reasons.
This is a pretty simple game. Somehow, you have foolishly crashed your hot-air balloon in a weird wasteland where black blobs are trying to kill the crap out of you. You have a gun to shoot them, of course, and trucks come by every once in a while to give you upgrades. You can buy more guys, upgrade them, you can also get some shelter and upgrade it, and you can throw on some turrets on your nice little house. You can get some traps also for the blobs, like mines, but those are pointless. But, you basically have to fix up your hot-air balloon while the wave of bad blobs come your way. Pretty simple. Question: If you really want to get out of this wasteland, why not just get on the next truck and just get the fuck away from the black blobs? I know, if the bitch wouldn’t run up the stairs she wouldn’t get killed, but I guess everything needs some leeway for the story to develop.
Here is the fun of it. Anyone who plays a lot of flash games knows that the most fun comes from getting all the accomplishments and upgrades. For this game, getting 20 out of 20 accomplishments is pretty easy, but it takes time. And as for the upgrades, you have to wait for the right trucks to come by to upgrade what you desire. This all sounds really simple and boring, but the fact is that for somehow this game got it perfect. Lately I’ve run into games that either have impossible achievements, or upgrades that are way too expensive, or vise versa, obviously. I played one game and it was just too easy, then I played another and it was a little too hard, but when I found Balloon in a Wasteland, it was just right.
It is hard to find a good flash game these days, and in the future I won’t skip the bad ones. I just wanted to give a strong start to the online game reviews. Balloon in a Wasteland does take some time, but all-in-all it is a lot of fun. The replay value is pretty low, since it is pretty time-consuming, but if you are really bored you might give it a second shot. Hints: Turn the sound off, it gets pretty annoying, and the MS Assault is by far the best gun (save up for it, they won’t touch you).
UFC Undisputed 2010 (2010)
VERDICT: 
7/10 Rear Naked Chokes
UFC is quickly taking over the world. I know, that is a colossal statement, but it is pretty close to being true. They started by grabbing the rednecks with crazy cage fights, no rules and no class. I guess you could still call it mixed martial arts, but really it was just a bunch of crazy people punching each other in the nuts and knocking each other out. Then weight classes were created, rules were established, and cage fighting became an actual sport followed by more than just white-trash. Last, the smartest business man took over the UFC: Dana White. He turned the UFC into the fastest growing company and made MMA the fastest growing sport. Now, Mr. White is having UFC events everywhere in the world (Dubai, England, Australia.. everywhere except New York, of course.. but that’s a different argument), everyone and their mothers want to be mixed martial artist, and his next frontier is the video game world.
Even with the first release, UFC 2009 Undisputed, the UFC hit a huge market. The game had some problems, but most were fixed for the second release. The gameplay was made close to perfect. And yes, I say close to perfect for good reasons. The ground game in Undisputed 2010 is amazing, it was a huge improvement from the first release. It is no longer impossible to take someone to the ground, take control, get full-guard, and throw on a Arm-Triangle choke, or Kimura, or whatever your little fighter-heart desires. In the first game you could easily take someone down, but moving around on the ground and choking them out was nearly impossible, you had to take the easy way out and just beat them into submission or unconsciousness. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that (Shane Carwin, Randy Couture, Josh Koscheck), but just like fighters do, the game had to evolve. Ground game became fun in Undisputed 2010. I actually spent many hours trying to learn every in-and-out on the ground and I had a great time doing it.
Different modes were also added to this new release. What I hated from the first game was that if you wanted to become champion you had to create your own fighter. Ugh, there is nothing worse than going through mandatory character creation. The shit takes hours to make the simplest of characters and it is not even fun to me. I mean, I know people who are into that kind of thing (my brother used to take days and days to create everyone he could on WWF games.. sorry, I mean WWE), so you can still do it in the new game, but to get to my point, in Undisputed 2010 you can seek the belt with any UFC fighter. While fighting to become a contender and get a championship fight you run into random fighters and they are actually harder as you go on. The best part, as fights go on, the commentators (Mike Goldberg and Joe Rogan) actually talk about things from previous fights and why you deserve the next fight and so on. These aren’t your usual commentators on sports games (I’m looking at you Martin Tyler), they actually give input on the fight going on, facts about the fighters, and past fights you’ve had in the game. You never get so tired of hearing commentaries that you have to change the language to get a break from them.
Characters are the expected.. umm, everyone. You can play as anyone in the UFC at the time the game came out, including the infamous Kevin “Kimbo Slice” Ferguson! They also include fighters in the different weight classes that they have fought in for the UFC (I can’t recall if they had this in the first game, but still, it’s good to have when fighters like Anderson Silva and BJ Penn move up and down in classes so much). I don’t think I have to go into details with the graphics since they are just spectacular. The fighters in the game actually look like real people. Sure, I used to laugh at my grandma when she would think a soccer game was actually on television while I was playing FIFA, but Undisputed 2010 has graphics that will make you think you are actually controlling Brock Lesnar as you knock out Frank Mirr.
Now, to the bad and the ugly, my only problem with this game. It is too real. Yes, that is actually a problem here. If you are trying to play the game with some kind of fight-plan, you will get knocked out fast by your friend just button mashing. Fighters take time to learn their opponent and learn how to fight against them, it makes sense, but when you try to fight smart in this game your friend will just charge and swing with their power punch and knock you out in seconds. I know, people want to see knock outs, but when you keep having to restart fights because your buddy is being a n00b and swinging wildly, it gets annoying.
So, finally, this game is great, it really is. Sure, it doesn’t deserve more than a 7 out of 10 because it is not as established and perfected like a FIFA or Madden, but it is getting there fast. I’ve heard this be said and it is probably the best way to describe it: this game is great for UFC fans, it is perfect for UFC fans, but it does not have what it takes to bring new fans to MMA and it will not be loved by people looking for a new Fight Night or anything like that.
And the best game in The Legend of Zelda series is…
The Ocarina of Time! 
What a surprise, right? Well, this game introduced Zelda to many gamers that had not played the series before, and it was expected to win. Link took a big leap into 64 bits (probably giving a quick Ha-Yah while he did it), and the 3D world fit him well. Let’s give it up to Link (young and old), to the cuddly Gorons, to Epona, and to every other reason that this game is so amazing!
RESULTS:
– The Legend of Zelda: 2 votes
– Zelda II: The Adventure of Link: 1 vote (Someone out there likes the side-scrolling Link)
– A Link to the Past: 6 votes (Great choice guys!)
– Link’s Awakening: 2 votes
– Ocarina of Time: 16 votes
– Majora’s Mask: 0 votes (No love for back-and-forth story lines)
– The Wind Waker: 3 votes (True fans of cel-shading)
– Twilight Princess: 0 votes (Ah, the Wii is not a big hit)
– Phantom Hourglass: 0 votes
I can’t wait to play OoT again (and review it), just not looking forward to getting to the Water Temple.. Damn, that level is tough. And don’t forget that the series is not ending, check out the first teaser for the new Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword!
P.S. Thanks for the great turn out. 30 votes for the first Poll of the Week, let’s keep it up guys!
LittleBigPlanet (2008)
VERDICT: 
9/10 Team Sackboys
During my birthday in December of 2008, there were a handful of things that I was looking forward to. Of course, I wanted nothing more than to have my friends around to share the wonderful day with me.. but let’s be serious, I wanted to go get shit-faced for my 21st, and wake up hung over to unwrap a copy of LittleBigPlanet to play all day.
Yes, everyone, my plans went just as I hoped.
Let me just say, everyone needs to understand the fun that I experienced after I ripped off the Spider-man wrapping paper. When you control Sackboy, you can run, jump, and pull some objects. That is all you can do. But, don’t think that this is just a basic platform game. The possibilities are larger than life. There is no doubt in anyone’s mind that this game deserved the “Game of the Year” for Playstation.
To be honest, I felt a little childish asking for this game, and even during the first couple platforms I felt like I wasted a bday gift. After the routine beginner levels, with some explanations, you start to get more plot. It does nothing for the game. This dude, a “creator,” called The Collector, starts to steal everything and won’t share! He’s such a bully, we all know sharing is caring. But, still, the plot means nothing. The great thing about the story is that it does get significantly harder as the game progresses. If you play the first level and then the last, the difference is extraordinary. In short, my 3-year-old cousin could get through the first level, but I can barely get through the last.
The story mode can be taken care of in one days-play, maybe two, but the other great thing about this game is the online play. You don’t have to talk to weird kids or share the screen with them, you can just play the levels they created. Let me point out quickly thought, making a level is very, very, very hard to do, and time-consuming. I could not bear making a level for longer than 20 minutes, I commend every person that makes the online levels. You can find anything in LittleBigPlanet‘s online world. People have made levels for Metal Gear Solid, Super Mario, Dead Space, Final Fantasy, etc. It is incredible what people have done with this game and what level they have taken it to. If you can’t play online, the story mode will keep you and your friends happy, but if you can get online, the possibilities are endless.
Speaking of keeping your friends happy, I have noticed that this game is great for co-op. In the later levels, you will find special areas that can only be reached with 2-4 other Sackboys, meaning you need your friends to help you out (or a creepy online friend). So, if reaching 100% in every level is what you seek, then friends is what you will need. But, don’t just use your friends for your own benefit, that’s selfish, just playing around with them can be a lot fun as well. Hint: while playing with friends, as you both jump over anything that can kill you, quickly grab them in mid-air.. this will launch you forward, onto the safety of the next platform, and it will make them drop down for a quick (and hilarious) death.
Last, one of my favorite parts of the game, is the interaction with Sackboy. By just tapping the D-pad you can change the emotion on your Sackboy’s face. You only have four emotions (happy, sad, angry, scared), but three levels of it. So, if you tap up your Sackboy grins, tap up again your Sackboy smiles big, and tap up one more time and Sackboy will have a goofy looking smile with his tongue out (hilarious to play around with). Also, at any point in a level you can stop for a wardrobe change. The more items you find during the levels, the more options you have. You can change your skin color (or pattern), shoes, pants, shirts, hats, accessories, basically anything. Also, you can save any wardrobe that you really like. I have about 30 Sackboys saved like a lion, the Joker, an astronaut, Kratos, and Mario. Playstation knows the large options that you have with wardrobes, so, if you’re too lazy to make your own Sackboy, you can purchase perfect outfits from the Playstation Store. The variety is huge and hours of fun can come from creating them.. So, I chose team Sackboy, what team are you on?
The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (1991)
VERDICT: 
10/10 Brave Teenagers
Our generation has many heroes and most of those have stood the test of time: Superman is still flying around in his underwear, Batman is somewhere in the shadows, and I’m sure Flash is around here also, but he is running a little too fast for us to see him or care about him. We, the video game nerds, have our own heroes: Mario is stealing coins left and right, Samus is blasting baddies in her tight suit, and Donkey Kong has turned a new leaf and started collecting bananas with his family instead of stealing princesses and throwing barrels at plumbers. But still there is one hero that stands above the rest (in my eyes at least), and that is the courageous Link.
For over 22 years Link has been battling evil, overpowering the dark world, and restoring safety to Hyrule with the trusted Master Sword. Sure, A Link to the Past isn’t always seen as the best game in the Zelda series (just look at The Poll of the Week for confirmation), but if you give me a couple well-constructed paragraphs, some witty comments, and a heartfelt confession, I believe I can show you why this game deserves a 10 out of 10 and why Ocarina of Time deserves a mere 9 out of 10.
A legacy takes work, it takes years for perfection, it takes ganas. A Link to the Past created what would be the blueprint for the following Zelda games, and if it wasn’t for this third installment, the Zelda series would have never become what it is today. This game brought the dark world into Hyrule, it brought back and kept the top-down perspective (obviously not seen in the 3D games), and it introduced weapons that will forever be included in Zelda games. What would a Zelda game be without the Hookshot? How would we ever get through the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time without the introduction of the Hookshot in A Link to the Past? Do I even have to mention the crafty swipe of the sword? Yeah, it sounds simple, but before A Link to the Past all Link could do was jab, and that didn’t give him much range.
The most important aspect in this game that forever changed the land of Hyrule is the multi-level dungeons. In A Link to the Past, we finally see the use of intricate puzzles in dungeons, including different keys and specific weapons for specific jobs, and damn these become very hard as the game progresses. A game gets smarter when it asks you to purposely jump into a hole in a dungeon (which otherwise would kill you) to fall safely into the lower floor in the right spot to obtain the needed key, map, or weapon. And speaking of dungeons, has anyone else noticed how every single Zelda game has an earth temple, an ice temple, a fire temple, and so on.. does that ring a bell? Well it should, and it should be noted that these blueprint levels were started in A Link to the Past.
Okay, enough talk about how this game created the series.. but really, it did.. Let’s talk about the amazing story! Princess gets captured by an evil being, and the hero has to rescue her. Um, that sounds familiar, of course, but I always believed that this Zelda games had a darker image, a little something more than the rest of the games out. (Get ready for the heartfelt confession). The Marios and Donkey Kongs didn’t do it for me back then, I needed another realm, I needed to go outside the box and outside my universe, and Link let that happen for me. This game was not just about going from level to level, grabbing the flag and moving on, this game took skill, it took intelligence, it took a lot of time and it took a lot of will-power. This was not about taking over your world, it was about conquering your world and the evil world, making everything right. RPGs today would not be what they are if it wasn’t for games like A Link to the Past making you go back and forth from temple to temple, from the woods to the desert and back to the woods, from light world to dark world to find the right piece of the puzzle. Link took my gaming from the past and upgraded it, hey, let’s be corny and say this game was my link to the past (I know, that’s so cheesy).. but really, it took the adventure that I love in video games and excelled it to the next level.
I truly believe that this game was the start to the next generation of gaming. For the mainstream games out at the time, A Link to the Past became the standard, and games needed to be smarted from then on. No more paddles bouncing a ball back and forth, no more stacking weirdly shaped boxes, and certainly no more eating white dots. A Link to the Past created a new high for me, and I’ll be honest, there has not been a year since I first picked it up that I have not played it. And that is why it deserves a 10 out of 10, and it is also why it deserves to be the first review of many to come on CTCVGR.
P.S. Aiden, you guessed right, this was going to be my first review.. how did you know?
The Time is Here!
Hey guys,
It’s finally time! The start to a new era! The Big Bang! THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME REVIEWER EVER!!! Okay, I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but it’s good to aim high. Sure, they say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I’m guessing they had something big in mind.
Cut the Crap Movie Reviews is expanding, and this is the baby that was birthed from the awesome mind of Aiden R. To follow the path of the original, this will be video game reviews for people who don’t read video game reviews. I will be posting Monday-Friday:
Monday: Any Console, Any Game.
Tuesday: Poll of the Week.
Wednesday: New Release.
Thursday: Online Flash Game.
Friday: Classic “Old School” Game.
I hope you read, I hope you enjoy, I hope you share, and I really hope you keep reading. I will be starting Friday the 16th, but while we all wait for the party, check out the Poll of the Week and let the countdown start!
-Nahuel F.A.
Cut The Crap Video Game Reviews 
