Tragy-comedy 2007-2009

English Gentleman to Crazy Pervy Proffesor

So I moved in with Luc and EG aka CPP in spring 2007. However, I could not stay away from Mr Bez for long. We were as close as ever despite me trying to cool things down. We did not live far from each other, I could walk through in over an hour.

English Gentleman aka Crazy Pervy Professor

EG helped me out a lot, organizing that tiny blue room for me, so I could have my desk and chest of drawers with me. I absolutely loved that room, it was everything I needed to study and feel safe and secure. EG had a printer and claimed to have a professor degree. My studies were going very well. I used to ask EG to check my English on my assignment since his English was perfect. I paid very little for that room, only £100 a month, but EG did not want more. Anyway he would take that money go food shopping and then told me and Luc we could eat whatever he bought.

He was very very slim. On top of his tiny frame there was his small head with face covered in net of wrinkles, very bright eyes, bad teeth and permed gray hair. Yes, he used to perm his hair. Eccentric. With time it turned out he was still grieving after loosing his wife years before, thus he had lost so much weight. My first impression of him was very good. He was extremely helpful, kind, funny and full of good advice. At the same time seeing him so painfully thin and alone, made me feel protective over him… and that was exactly what he wanted. He was not a great cook so me and Luc used to cook for him and we used to dine together a lot.

Finally I could tell my parents the truth of where I was living. My mum was concerned, she told me to be careful so EG would not get used to me too much. Oh Mum! your wisdom is endless.

Since I got sacked from Burger King my only focus at that time was my studies. So I carried on my first year, piling on that student loan ;). I was (almost) straight A student and enjoyed it. I had to take a bus to get to the Uni, since I did not live in the town center anymore.

Mr Bez story carries on…

I kept seeing Mr Bez. He found a job as a courtesy car driver, delivering courtesy cars to customers and picking up their damaged cars to bring them for repair. It was a cool job, involving a lot of traveling and he enjoyed it. I was at home most of the time, I went to uni only about 2-4 times a week, so Mr Bez would call me and ask whether I wanted to go with him. His depo was only few minutes from my place, so he would pick me up and off we went for a ride through our part of the UK. But just as he approached the destination, I had to jumped out and wait for him so no one found out he had a passenger. It was cool and I enjoyed it as I love traveling, even if it means going from one town to the other in a car lol. Seriously I preferred that to staying at home alone, bored.

The House…

The house was somewhat spooky and dark. Kitchen was extremely dated with the microwave and washing machine so old that I believed it was one of the first ever produced. But it worked and quite well. Living room was quite large, but messy with too many unnecessary objects, like dolls and ornaments, old flowery wall-paper, few different carpets on the floor and old dirty smelly sofa. The sofa, which most of the time carried EG, like a piece of the furniture. Like a part of the living-room. Bathroom was dated but ok. I loved my room. Like I said it was tiny, but then I like confined spaces. Luc had bigger and brighter room, which was quite nice as well.

At first Mr Bez was allowed in the house but then with time and with no apparent reason that rule changed. So he would park his car and ring me to let me know he was outside. I spend most of the nights with Mr Bez. English Gentleman did not like Mr Bez, without a reason really. He claimed he was not racist but Mr Bez apparently behaved disrespectfully towards him and his feet smelt. Well it was his house, so I followed the rules like a good girl.

First Conflict with English Gentleman aka Crazy Pervy Proffesor

Me and Luc were involved in some charity work because apart from studying, we had plenty of free time There was a charity party. English Gentleman used to give us a lift, so charity people knew him and he was invited too. Mr Bez rarely left my side, especially when it came to leisure and party. So they both came. Then EG claimed the only reason he went was to keep me company as he did not know Mr Bez would be there! EG flipped and stormed off home. I think that was the first of many conflict I had with EG. With absolutely no fault on my own!!!! Afterwards he wasted no time to let me know, exactly how bad I made him feel. I should not had, but I did go for walks with EG ample times. I did not want to walk alone and he was always willing. It was just an easy thing to do. Mr Bez was occasionally working as drivers mate, plus he did not like walking. It might have give mixed signals to EG and made him get used to me.

Holiday that never happened and cheating

Meantime, summer 2007 came and Mr Bez wanted to whisk me off on holiday to Spain. He used to go every year with his mates. They paid for him as he was endlessly skint. He wanted to go with them and then me to join him when his mates were gone. I wanted to go. I had even booked a ticket!! Even though I was to go to Homeland for 6 weeks after that, because one of my sisters was visiting and we had a family get together. I still wanted to go on my first proper holiday abroad! But I panicked, because I knew the holiday would be on me financially and I was not ready for that. Plus I knew how irresponsible he was. Then I had a tooth ache and had to go to the dentist, which at that time I thought was more important. I must say here that I am a hypochondriac, so I take very seriously any ache and physical pain and always aim to sort it out immediately. Then I had a chat with EG, who since he hated Mr Bez, did not really encourage me to go. So in the end I did not go. I lost that plane ticket and infuriate Mr Bez. He said at that time it was to my peril, but I did not even know what that meant…

When he came back, he looked sad. We only had a couple of days together before I was off to Homeland for 6 weeks. So we had plenty of sex. He told me he had had lost some money in Spain, when he used ATM and thought it was not working so he walked away and somebody else took his money. I knew something like that would happen so was glad I did not go. Then, he obviously asked me to borrow him some money. I was very stupid and I did borrow him £200. He had spare phone with a camera, which he lent me when I went to Homeland so I could take some pictures.

Soon, I was off enjoying my well deserved holiday after my first year of studying. One night I was playing with Mr Bez’s phone when the text arrived. It was from a girl asking him to stop contacting her. My stomach churned. Next minute I was on the computer communicator talking to Mr Bez, asking for explanation. He admitted he cheated on me with a Dutch girl while on holiday in Spain. I was furious!! It was just the beginning of my holiday and he already ruined it. He apologized, but I was adamant: I NEVER EVER EVER WANTED TO SEE HIM OR SPEAK TO HIM EVER EVER AGAIN. I still managed to have a great time in Homeland.

When I came back, Mr Bez pester me with calls and texts and even came over to hand me some of my stuff, but he refused to leave till I speak to him. I did not want to see him. From one hand it was a perfect reason to finish that toxic weird relationship we had, from the other he was almost like my family in the UK. I was petrified to be alone. I have never been alone since coming to the UK. There was EG, but he was becoming more and more weird and peculiar and Crazy Pervy Professor than English Gentleman. I felt like the world failed me. I felt alone and knew I needed more than just Mr Bez and EG. Luc was as always useless and still tangled up in the affair with Sound.

After about a month of being strong I gave in and rekindled things with Mr Bez. At the end of the day, I was not going to be with him forever.

EG to CPP

The transformation took some time, that’s why it sneaked upon me. EG wanted me and Luc to be his cooks, friends, nurses, therapists, sex slaves, companions, fans and much more. Yet he claimed he did not expect anything back from us for his kindness. But he did!!!! He even said that it was unfair on him I went on holiday to Homeland to see my family and left him alone for so long! He asked me to squeeze a massive boil on his hip, and when I refused he said I was not a good friend. He asked me to shave his legs. YES, SHAVE HIS LEGS. Because, so as it happened he wanted to have hairless legs. Of course I refused! Then, he said he tried to do it himself in the bath and that he twisted got a cramp, fell and laid on the floor for an hour and no one helped him! And of course I was a bad friend for refusing to help him. Most of the time he would turn our conversation to sex and it became obvious he was into school girls and all the Fem Dom thing. He always had a sexy pictures of pretty young girls as his computer screen saver. One night, I heard some noises as if someone was creeping. I ignored it. Next day he confessed, it was him and that he tried to scare me so I run to his bedroom. He was a night owl, staying up till late watching telly. Then ha was up late 10-11 am. One morning I got up, minding my own business. I knew he would not be up till later, but it was almost midday and there was no sign of him. I smelt his cunning plan. He wanted me to go upstairs to his bedroom to check up on him. I did not, in the meantime looking for an explanation/excuse. Finally, he rolled downstairs. ‘I just had a very bad cramp in my back I could not get up, I though you would come and check if I was ok.’ he said. ‘I though you are fast asleep, sorry I did not want to wake you up’ I explained. He did not know I was mastering my answer for the last hour, so that it was not controversial and still shows empathy and care. For almost 2 years he made me think thoroughly before I said something to him, so I did not upset him. He controlled my my mind in that way.

He sounded like he was very sure of himself, even though he stuttered. Luc completely believed in every world he said. He joked how annoying it was that I was pretty and smart at the same time, so he could not fool me. He thought, he was always right. He claimed to have a professor degree, but when he claimed that the river flows from the sea into the land, I lost my remaining faith in his honesty and intelligence. I was ok, most of the time I tried to ignore him, but obviously without showing him that. Luc was in a big shit, because he fell in love with her. She remained him his lost wife. So most of the time we spoke, he complained to me how Luc was playing on his feelings and that she did not take him seriously and once even laughed at him when he told her he loved her. He claimed that he was a superhuman and sometimes his eyes would turn black. Apparently his brain worked faster than in normal people, that was why he talked very fast. And his body was overheating so he used to walk around the house wearing only tight shorts. First, he asked me and Luc whether we minded. We said we did not, it was his house and he could do whatever he pleased. Luc later changed her mind and ask him not to. Then he said, it was his house and he could do whatever he wanted. Why even bother to ask us at the first place then!!! Now thinking about it I can see clearly how outrageous he was. Back then, I was so deeply manipulated that I did not know who/what was right or wrong.

I knew it was not going to end up well. I was right. CPP kicked Luc out. Obviously she did not do anything to earn it. She was just being herself. He claimed she was playing him. At times, I felt sorry for him, but deep down I knew my turn would come. I even told her, when she was leaving, that I would be next. She left after some hardcore action involving kicking doors and throwing suitcases down the stairs, shouting and swearing. I was very glad I omitted that party. I often stayed at Mr Bez’s overnight. He would drop me off in the morning and picked me up in the evening after work. But then, I did not know what really happened and who to believe. I pretended I believe him. I nodded when he told me about it to keep him on my side and buy some time. Somehow I though back then that it was easier to stay than to look for somewhere else to live. Considering my budget, I would not end up anywhere better.

Paranoia

But neither Mr Bez nor CCP was NORMAL. I wanted normality so much. I was missing Daddy, who used to be my safety and my tranquility. Some of the situations I got myself into with Mr Bez were like from a comedy show.

Once, he lost his car in London. He thought someone stole it so he reported it to the Police. But the next day he realized that he probably just lost it, because all the streets where he parked looked the same. He asked me to come with him to London to look for his car. His workmate let him use his old shitty Corsa. We went to get some petrol, before we set off. I was shitting myself, because I never drove in London and it was some time ago I passed my test, had little driving practice and no insurance. On the way to London, the car started jittering and we knew something was wrong. It turned out Mr Bez put petrol into diesel engine car! We went back to the petrol station, I topped it up with diesel and off we went to London in a search of his lost car. We found it quite quickly. With a parking fine ticket stuck to the windscreen. It happened very rarely, when we went to London and did not get parking ticket. Mr Bez was over the moon jumping around and laughing. His little green MG was back! So then we had to drive back. I was more used to his car, so I asked him to drive his and he drove Corsa. Off we went. Like I said I was shitting myself, trying to remember how to drive. I was not insured, as the car was too fast for my age. I was concentrating like a good girl at school, trying not to loose the sight of the Corsa in front of me. At some point Corsa parked. Mr Bez got out with a massive grin on his face. I stopped and got out as well. He pointed at a massive building. ‘Look! It Emirates!’ he shouted to me. He loved Arsenal and wanted to show me the stadium. I just wanted to get home safely in one piece. Asap!…

Potatoes

One day me and Mr Bez craved stew. I was tried but agreed to go to the butcher for a proper meat. When we got home I wanted to put potatoes into the stew to save time and work, instead having a mash on the side. Mr Bez said he wanted mash as well and asked me to peel some potatoes for him. I said no. It all ended up into a massive fight where he would shout at me at the top of his voice, because I did not want to peel some more potatoes for his mash. I was exhausted and had enough I told him he could do it himself. Then he chucked me out of his flat. I was starving and in tears found a taxi and went home. Few hours later, when I was sitting in my tiny blue room disbelieving in what had just happened, CPP knocked to my door. I opened and he handed me a tapper-ware full of a lovely stew with mash on the side. ‘Mr Bez came and said it was for you’ ha said clearly puzzled. I was gobsmacked. I did not eat it till the next day. It was a form of a protest. The lamb stew was delicious.

After that (obviously) we made up. Like so many times before and after, during that crazy relationship we had. During 3 years we spent together we split up and make up around 1000 times. Yes, I know – it was a joke.

At some point he wanted to better himself and applied for HGV driving license. Instead, he had his whole driving license revoked due to his mental illness. It felt like the whole world was against him, which did not help his mental health, providing him with extra stress and worries.

His car broke down, so he borrowed a minivan from his cousin and that was our mean of transport. Once we went to a pub and he asked me to drive it back home as he had one too many. The police stopped us. I did not have an insurance. They asked him to get out and I was checked for the alcohol intake. I was worried as I drunk two beers that night. But it came out ok. I could see Mr Bez through the police car window, distress, panicking, walking up and down the street full of guilt. I was terrified – it was my first experience of that kind. The police officers were amazing, they looked at me, saw how worried I was. One of them looked me in the eye and very slowly explained ‘If this man ever ask you again to drive, say NO, you are not insured to drive this vehicle and it is illegal in this country to drive without insurance.’ I nodded politely. I got a slapped wrist and we walked home.

Second year of Uni

Meantime, at Uni I meet a girl from Homeland, who I became friends with. I will call her Bee. She was a busy bee and looked a little bit like a bee ;). She was great and had that protective, motherly attitude towards me. We got on like a house on fire. Her written English was quite poor, as it turned out, so I helped her a lot with her assignments and with studying in general. She had a good full time job while studying, so could not always attend uni. When she was not there I felt lonely. She had a car and she was driving to Uni, so I was full of admiration for her. There was little she feared. She was very strong, clued up and reliable woman and I looked up to her. She was not a worrier. The only thing she worried about was passing uni, and that was something I could help her with easily, so I did. At that time she lived with her fiancee and she was completely in love. I remember once he bought her a car for Valentine’s Day. I thought they were made for each other.

One day she called me and asked me whether I was sitting down. I was not. She asked me to sit down. I sat down. ‘I am pregnant!’ she cried. She was crying, bless her. She always wanted a baby but in the middle of uni course the timing was not ideal. Of course I told her ‘everything will be alright‘ and that ‘of course I will help her‘. So I did, most of the studying for her, which was not that hard or difficult.

First normal job

In February 2008, I was doing a module, which would provide me with a job at the airport at the end of it (if I passed all the exams). I took it very seriously, since I was unemployed for almost a year then and I thought a little part-time position with a proper company would do me a load of good. When I was about to take my exams to acquire the position, I got ill with a bad flu. I wanted to stay Mr Bez’s so he could look after me. When he picked me up, he drove to the Blockbuster to pick up a film to watch. I stayed in the car as I felt like shit. I just wanted to get home and lie down. He took AGES… I felt worse and worse with every minute. ‘Daddy would never not do that’. Daddy would rush to get home to pamper me and look after me. I felt so bad and hopeless that I started crying feeling sorry for myself. When Mr Bez came to the car, he realized the state I was in. He apologized, drove me home and run me a bath. The next day I passed the test with flying colors despite being in agony. I got the job! I got the uniform. I was happy and excited.

I had to get a car to drive to work due to random shifts and unsocial hours I was about to work. It was my first ever car. Little navy Toyota Yaris. I was very proud of myself. I did not start the job till May but I got it in April, as I believed I needed to practice my driving. I always preplanned every move. In May 2008 I was a happy bunny, driving my very own car to my work, for a short 4 hour shifts. It felt good. It felt like I am getting somewhere. I loved that job. It was easy, cool and interesting. I was working and studying at the same time, which was exhausting but felt right.

Once I had a car I could drive to Mr Bez. Sometimes I could help him out with a lift. He lasted at his job for just under a year. He started using lorries to transport courtesy cars and scratched two cars within a certain period so he got sacked. Then he was on and off work for sometimes, doing odd shifts as drivers mates or as delivery driver.

Once I drove over to see him. When he answered the door he said I had better went home because he was not very well mentally and emotionally. It was not cold or flu. It was his schizophrenic paranoia. So I had not choice but to make my way back home. Then, he would call me apologize and ask to come back. The instability was exhausting.

Good times

But we had good times as well. As in every toxic relationship, there are good things that keep you coming back. We had a blast when we were together. We shared same sense of humor. He used to take me out all the time, pub, club, casino, cinema, restaurant, shopping, drive… He loved karaoke, once even won a local karaoke competition and got £1000. All the middle aged ladies in the pub loved him, looked at me jealously and asked if he singed to me in bed. We went to so many places and did so much all the times, which created lots and lots of memories and draw us closer. We were both very spontaneous. In summer we would have a picnic, drive to the seaside, up north to see Mummy or to the town where P lived. We would go out for a meal or just go for a drive. We played badminton or went swimming. He took me to Alton Towers. Showed me places I did not know existed. We would often go to London, to the casino. We both enjoyed gambling. He tried himself in a number of singing competitions and I was always by his side. He was full of ideas of what we could do next. We were always on the move, busy. He knew how to grab life with full fists. He wanted the best, he was obsessed with USA and labels. He enjoyed spending time with me as much as I enjoyed spending time with him and it FELT GREAT. We were always tangled up into each other on the sofa and while sleeping in bed. We could not just seat or lie next to each other without touching, cuddling, stroking. I was so comfortable with him that I used to fall asleep lying on him, while watching a film. I always rushed from work because I was excited to see him! I could not wait to see him, EVERY DAY. We would always celebrate before I went to Homeland with sex and a meal and same as soon as I came back. He loved MARVEL and we went to the cinema to see Spider-man, Iron-man and Fantastic Four etc. He made Christmas and Birthdays special. He wanted to be with me and his parents loved me. He LOVED me. When he said that I felt it in every part on my body and saw it in his eyes. And he KNEW me, like no one else. He could read me like a book and I could read him. He was likable and I never worried whether he would get along when we met my Uni friends. By that time I made few friends at Uni and we used to go out all together.

If there was a wedge between Me and Mr Bez, it always came from me. He always said he wanted us to progress, but I was never satisfied with his lack of responsibility, the 19 years age difference, his smoking but most of all his mental health.

Sectioned

On the day of my birthday 2008, we shot a video for the song he wrote. It was part of his adult learning program. The video is on You Tube and I still watch it sometimes. Then we went for a meal to celebrate. The next day he was sectioned under mental health act. I was at work when I got a call from the hospital. It turned out he was forced to go to the hospital, while his mental health workers very visiting him at home. It must have been something he said or done. Few days earlier, during one of his episodes he punched a boiler leaving a dent and swollen, bruised fist. Therefore, he was considered to be a danger to himself and others. I went to see him disbelieving and puzzled. The place was horrid and depressing. People with serious mental problems, clearly visible. He did not fit in.

After a week, he was still not let go. It took me, his mum and dad and Mummy, who came down all the way from North to save him. After hours of debating/arguing with the doctors, he was free to go home. His dad took us all for a meal to celebrate and thank for our support.

Cheating

In Summer 2008 I was a bridesmaid at Bee’s wedding in the Homeland. I was still living at CCP, but in the bigger bedroom, after Luc left. My beloved sister came over to do her TEFL course, so she stayed with me.

I had a one night stand after the wedding with a Boy, who was one of Bee’s best friends. She had only good things to say about him and at some point I considered a relationship with him. When I came back from the wedding, Mr Bez was away in Spain with his mates. I had a few days to think of that I needed to do next. The Boy messaged me to meet up. But Mr Bez was first to arrive in the UK. I picked him up from the airport and told him of what happened at the first possibility. I could not keep that from him. He was distraught, but he knew he did the same to me, exactly a year before, so he got over it quite quickly. I told him that, just before I did what I did, I thought it was not fair on him but then remembered he did it to me. Mr Bez said I did ‘tit for tat’ – childish. But I explained ‘I did not plan it’. I made a choice and him doing it to me before, made it easier for me to do it. I am not proud of it. The Boy was getting impatient… He messaged me ‘I drove hundred of miles to see my happiness, but my happiness does not want to see me. Please tell me and I disappear’. ‘Please disappear’ I messaged back. I did not want to complicate my life any more than it already was. Also the Boy was very much into his stuff. He wanted to climb Kilimanjaro for God’s sake!!! He was one of these types, always busy doing stuff and into so many things… which is great, but WHERE DO I COME in all this. So I made my decision.

On the edge with CCP

CCP rented that small blue room to a Japanese tiny lady, for short period of time. She did not pay any rent, but was meant to do the cleaning. My beloved sister had already been over for a month. She finished her course and found the job in China. But the job did not start till the next month, so she was still living with us doing some factory jobs here and there. I tried to keep her entertained so she enjoyed her stay. I wanted to take her to the casino with Mr Bez, as it was one of our favorites. Mr Bez came over to pick us up. We were still getting ready. Mr Bez got impatient and knocked the door. CCP opened the door, saw Mr Bez standing there all spruced up and ready for a great night out with two lovely ladies. CCP hit the roof. I run downstairs as soon as I realized that Mr Bez was outside. I knew their confrontation would not be good. CCP passed me blurring, I could feel his anger, like a vapor emanating from him. He was pissed off that we were going out with Mr Bez instead of keeping him company or doing anything with him. He could not justify it so he blurred. I was sick with worry every time he was angry with me.

The next day, me and my sister found some sticker notes in the kitchen. CCP wrote them, blaming us for a mess in the kitchen and saying that it was not fair on the Japanese Tiny Lady do clean after us and how badly our parents brought us up. I was gobsmacked and disbelieving. The kitchen was in its usual state, not the cleanest but nothing out of ordinary. It was just a pure wind up. CCP came to the kitchen and the hell broke loose. Can not remember exactly what was said but he basically slagged us off. I was well trained not to say anything, which would make my situation worse. But my sister, bless her, found that situation so RIDICULOUS, that she laughed. (Rightly so) I wanted to laugh and cry but I did not want to wind him up further so I shut up and said nothing. When she laughed (and she did it out of embarrassment and not out of spite) CCP hit the roof again. He called her disrespectful LITTLE COW and told us she had a week to leave and told me that if I wanted to stay things would have to change. I did not know what he meant, but I said OK and told him my sister would be leaving to China, soon.

Bad times

When my sister left I felt very, very lonely and sad. Then I lost my job, as my contract was not extended after summer. I still managed to go away to Barcelona with my work colleagues to celebrate our sacking and then went to Marbella with Mr Bez, our first proper holiday. CCP got a job as shop manager so he was not at home during the day. I despised him by then.

In the evening, I would leave the house 5 min before he came back from work and in the morning I would after he left for work. I did not want to see him. He hated that. We went on like that for 3-4 months. Then I got a text from him on New Years Eve 2008. I had a month to move out. That was what I wanted to do anyway, but first I just wanted to graduate. It was a psychological and emotional nightmare to live with CCP, but I did not want to move 6 month before I finished the University, while working on my dissertation. I got my airport job back, few weeks after I got sacked, because someone resigned and they had a vacancy. I did not have any lateness or sickness, so I was picked for the position. I was relieved, but working double hard: shifts at the airport plus my Uni work. I just wanted some peace and quiet to finish Uni with best results I could get.

At Mr Bez’s again…

So I ended up moving in with Mr Bez, AGAIN, at the beginning of 2009. As always only temporary… till I finish Uni. Mr Bez was as supportive as ever. I knocked him down so many times, yet he was still there for me during that difficult time. So I was sweating it, work – uni, work – uni, plus getting very comfortable with Mr Bez.

Graduation

Finally at the end of April I submitted my dissertation, then passed few final exams in May and June and on the 13th of July 2009 I graduated from the University, wearing graduation gown and a hat. Proper. Few good friends I made at Uni were there, Bee was there with her baby daughter, husband, father and brother. Me just with Mr Bez. He was my father, husband and brother, running around with camera taking pictures and trying to record a video of me thanking ‘everybody for their support. I did not have anyone to thank to, but him. My parents, bless them, did not even remember the name of university I was attending or what subject I was studying. I maintain myself thanks to my student loan and support of Mr Bez, who stood by me through thick and thin like a rock.

Crazy Pervy Professor

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

In February 2007, I went to Homeland to catch up with my friends and family, since I have not visited for Christmas. When I came back, Mr Bez picked me up from the airport. There was a lot of snow in the UK and it was a very sunny day. We walked to Sainsburys to buy something to eat. I was very happy that day. I felt like the weight has been lifted after the terrible Autumn I had. I was very grateful to Mr Bez that he stuck with me through the bad times and helped me massively to get over it. It was such a relief to live in a normal accommodation again. We grew closer and closer each day. From the other hand I was scared to be in a relationship with him and to let myself go because he was so completely irresponsible and unfortunately ill. He was terrible with money. If he had £5 till the end of a week, he would go to the shop and spend it on a packet of cigarettes, not thinking or worrying about what he was going to eat for the next few days. He smoked a lot and he was nicotine dependent. At some point he left his warehouse job and was on the dole looking for a driving job. He stopped paying for some of his bills, including his rent. So he used to borrow money from me. Or I would pay his total rent debt, so he would not get into trouble. Additionally there was his paranoia, like a shadow above our heads. I never knew, when it was going to come down on my head like a tone of bricks. He was convinced, bless him, that someone was constantly watching him and recording everything he said. He even heard clicks of the recorder, ‘like someone was turning it on and off’. Oh and he was suffering from insomnia. Sometimes he wouldn’t go to bed till 3am. At that point renovation of his flat was ongoing. Actually, when I came back from Homeland I could see a great progress, he bought and laid new floor, finished painting the walls, bought flower and curtains. The place was actually very nice for a council flat.

Electric Cooker

However, there was no cooker in his flat. Obviously neither me or him could afford a new one. Mr Bez used to attend meetings with health professionals, who were supposed to help him with his condition. One of them advised us about the place, where we could buy second-hand cooker. I bought him an electric cooker, with oven and grill in great working order for only £60. That cooker served him well for years till he sold it on eBay. After he sold it, he realized how much it meant to him as it was the last thing that reminded him of me. So he called the people who bought it and wanted it back. But they would not give it back. No one could understand why THAT cooker was so important to him.

UPS AND DOWNS

It was a time of weird states of my mind and emotions, ranging from feeling of total love, happiness and ecstasy to extreme frustration and morning panic attacks. I found myself thinking “what are you doing with him??”. I did not tell my parents where I lived, it was hard to pretend and I hated lying at that point, after all the lies I told over past months. I used to calm myself down thinking we will not be together forever, which I told him. I was always very honest with him, from day one. From his point he didn’t understand my problem at all. He didn’t understand my frustration when he relied on me financially, endlessly borrowing money from me – 22 year old, poor student from foreign country, trying to make a living working in Burger King for just over £5 per hour. I felt supported emotionally but that was all. At the same time, I have never felt so close to anyone before and actually never since. But I couldn’t imagine having a future with him, buying a house or having children.

Around Spring time, I wanted to go back home for Easter. I told my manager at Burger King I was going home. He said I gave him too little notice and if I went he would not have me back working. So I got sacked. I couldn’t care less. I needed to go back to Homeland to celebrate Easter. Anyway, he was a bully. Once someone paid with a fake £20 note. I took it and did not realize it was fake. The manager took it of my pay. That was everything I earned per day!! But I was not gutted, I did not care about that job. If you can even call it a JOB.

MOVING AGAIN

I kept contact with Luc, even though I never really liked her. She was miserable and not that pleasant. When she moved out from that room we shared (after having an affair with Sound), she moved in with 50+ year old English Gentleman, who lived on the other side of the Horrible Town. Normally I would be suspicious and cautious, but there was one other students living with him before. She seemed to be happy but she lived there for only 6 months. English Gentleman had one tiny tiny spare room available in his 3 bed house, so I decided to ask whether I could move in. He didn’t think about renting it out before, but he agreed. Part of me was desperate to move out of Mr Bez’s flat and create stable environment for myself to study in peace. When I came back from Homeland after Easter, I moved out of Mr Bez’s flat to that tiny single bedroom at English Gentleman’s house. English Gentleman later acquired a nickname of Crazy Pervy Professor… long story…

Roller Coaster on a Sinking Ship

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

My 3 years with Mr Bez felt like a Roller Coaster on a Sinking Ship. Risky, dangerous, exhausting, ups and downs, lows and highs, but also quite exciting and never boring. Just like he said, in one of our endless conversations about US. It was the opposite to my totally cushioned and seemingly perfect and so easy relationship with Daddy.

I would say, it started more less the same time I started the university. Unofficially, of course. We would just hang out at mine or at his. He soon became friend with my live-in landlord – Sound. Sound’s beautiful girlfriend went to Spain to continue her studies. During that time, my roommate Luc started sleeping with Sound. Once, when the girlfriend visited on a break from uni, she went through Sound’s phone and found out this and that about Luc and Sound’s affair. She went ballistic and soon Luc was moving out. Again, I was left on my own in that bigger room. I was spending most of the time at Mr Bez’s anyway, I hated my horrible dark room. I soon found out Mr Bez was not very good with money and even though his rent was not high he still struggled to pay for his flat. He asked me to move in with him, as it would be beneficial for both of us. I would help him pay his rent and he would provide me with better accommodation, which I did not have to share with lots of strangers. I was not sure about it, but agreed thinking it would be only temporary, till I find somewhere else. I gave Sound very little notice before moving out so we agreed he could keep my deposit. Thinking about it now, it was unfair on me. One of the reasons I was moving out was because Sound could not keep it in his trousers. Soon his relationship with that beautiful girl broke down and even though Luc moved out, her and Sound kept in contact.

The story of Mr Bez

I moved in with Mr Bez around Christmas time.

Before that, he told me something about himself, that made me feel rather uneasy but also explained why, when we first met, he lived in that weird place full of weird people.

Mr Bez used to be just a normal guy in a long term relationship with his ‘missus’. They had a daughter (not much younger than me), a house, he had a good job, nice car and life was good. But he was a bit of a bad boy and used to smoke cannabis EVERY day for almost 10 years. He became paranoid and mentally unwell. He was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Since then, he was made redundant and was in and out of mental health hospitals. One day, when he was in a hospital, his girlfriend left him, packed his stuff and moved him out. That was how he lost everything and he ended up in Not Such a Beautiful Town, in that weird place full of people with mental (and not only) problems. That was also where he met Sal.

At times, I found it hard to feel sorry for him because he caused his own misery. But since he was desperate to get things right, I was there to support him. However, living together was always only a temporary solution in my mind. The town Mr Bez lived in was ‘Quite an OK Town’, it was not pretty but somehow I had a soft spot for that place.

Just before Christmas I got a part-time job in the Burger King. One of my uni colleagues worked there and because she was going home for Christmas, the manager told her she needed to find someone to replace her during busy Christmas time. I did not take that job very seriously because the manager was a w***** and he did not respect us, constantly hurrying us up. The other girls where running around, scared of him, but I did not give a sh**. One day I was finishing my shift at 7 pm. Mr Bez was supposed to pick me up. I made sure I had a nice fully loaded burger for him in a box. So I waited… and waited… and waited… and finally he turned up about an hour late! I was fuming! I threw the cold burger at him and stormed off. I let him drive me home as it was dark and the area I lived in had a reputation. But when we arrived, I told him I did not want to see him ever EVER again. I locked myself in the bathroom and run a bath to calm down. He stood by the the door begging me for forgiveness and telling me how much he loved me and that it would never happen again.

Christmas that year, was the first one, I was not spending at home. I did not really mind, I was just a bit worried that it would get to me and I would end up crying all day. I understood that Mr Bez would be celebrating with his family. I wanted to keep our relationship casual so I did not expect any sympathy from him. Also, I did not want to owe him anything. But he was just HIMSELF and one day he drove me to his brother’s place so I could meet his family. I did not want to. I was shy and did not want us to get serious. So I insisted I stayed in the car. He physically picked me up and almost carried me to the front door. His family was lovely and seemed very stable, unlike him. Looking back, my behavior was stupid, immature and cowardly. Mr Bez proved again how much he cared for me. We spent that Christmas together with his family and I can not fault it because we had a great time. I met his parents, his auntie, his brother and sister and their families and everyone was lovely and made me feel very welcome. I can only be grateful now.

In January 2007, I was studying hard for my exams. Half way through my first year, I was (almost) a straight A student. Studying gave me great sense of purpose and I was good at it. The day of my first exam, me and Mr Bez spend in bed enjoying each other bodies. The exam was at 6 pm, so we had lots of time to relax. He always made me feel very attractive and feminine, and he cared about my satisfaction. Our sex life was great and adventurous and it did not change throughout 3 years we spend together. We have done it in every room of his flat and broke the sink in the bathroom. There was a massive sexual magnetism between us, which glued us together. He told me once, that before we were going out, he walked in to the kitchen at Mummy’s, where I was doing the dishes and when he saw me, he got a hard on. He was sure I saw it and he was embarrassed. I did not notice anything and just carried on doing the dishes.

But there was also his Schizophrenia, paranoia, money troubles, carelessness, age difference and poor time keeping which added a twist to the mixture of our relationship.

Meantime, Mummy got into trouble at the university and was kicked out. Finding out about me and Daddy, plus her university disaster proved too much to handle. She sold that house we renovated together and moved back up North from Not Such a Beautiful Town. It was the point her romance with Sal was forming and soon he moved in with her. It may sound crazy but after all, Mummy forgave me and we were friends again. But because she lived far away we did not see each other much, but we stayed in contact.

The worst day of my life II

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

On that fatal morning, Mr Bez took me to his after work. I did not want to be on my own. I was petrified, shaking and exhausted from work. He finished his night shift and was tired too. We fell asleep in his empty bedroom on the mattress. He just moved in and the place was not furnished or decorated yet, there was no floor or curtains. There was a big hole in the wall in the living-room left by previous tenants. As we had found out someone committed suicide there. So the vibe of the place was not great.

Around midday, Mummy turned up. I was understandably scared, but knew I deserved whatever the next minutes bring. Mr Bez got up to let her in. She run into the bedroom. I did not know what to say. Sorry was neither enough or adequate to express my guilt. She was yelling frantically. I told her to hit me if she wanted to. I was convinced it would make me and her feel better. Are you even worth it? she spat. Then she had a right go at Mr Bez. He knew about everything and he did not tell her. She attacked him, hitting his head with the car keys. He managed to restrain her, calmed her down and took her outside to her car. He came back shaking his head at me… You should have told her…

I do not think I was working that night. Mr Bez must have dropped me home, because I remember being alone in that disgusting room in that horrid town. Still completely shocked and devastated by the harm and suffering I had caused. I just wanted everything to stop. I did not want to give any false hopes to Mr Bez and I wanted to be alone to deal with my problems. I was drawing, trying to block it.

It was late and dark. Mummy called. I answered. She was outside. She said, I was coming with her to Daddy’s, so me and him could explain everything to her. The thought of a journey with Mummy to see Daddy, knowing the state she was in, gave me chills. I though these were the final moments of my life. But I deserved it. So I went downstairs and opened the door. I was about to explain that I needed to get dressed as I was in my pj. Mummy was not having it. She dragged me by my hair outside. Then, I noticed Sal was with her. But he was unresponsive to the situation. Or not enough responsive. She started battering me, hitting, kicking, scratching, then I landed on the pavement… I let her, as I thought, whatever was happening to me was justice and I was willing to pay for my sins. Anyway Mummy was twice as big as me, so even if I tried to defend myself, it would not change my situation drastically. Sal’s gentle persuasions fell on Mummy’s deaf ears. I still do not understand, why he did not stop her. Mr Bez did. All of sudden he appeared from nowhere and dragged Mummy away from me. Sal messaged him few minutes before Mummy arrived, saying he better be there or something bad was going to happen. So Mr Bez came. He saw us outside, parked his car in the middle of the road, jumped out and saved me. His hands and arms were covered in blue paint, as he was decorating his flat when he got that message from Sal.

Minutes before, I was convinced I would be dead or at least in A&E that night, but I was not. Again, I was alone in my room, face covered in scratches, looking in the mirror assessing my wounds and hair loss. Disbelieving in what actually had happened.

Days that followed were sad and depressing. I got abusive texts from both Mummy and Daddy, I felt hated and did not want to be alive. Yet, I still had to be alive, working nights and studying days. In the meantime I enrolled at the university. I had my ID picture taken after a night-shift, so looked worse for wear on it for 3 years. I started attending lectures. Shortly I find out I can not do both; working night-shifts and studying daytime. I fell asleep during lectures, after night shift. People at work told me, I should give up one of them. I had a love/hate relationship with my work. I loved it because it was easy, good money, OK people (majority from Homeland) and I loved my quilted dungarees. I hated how boring it was, too cold and the time dragged. I did not want to use Mr Bez to give me a lift. I though university was more important. So after two months I handed my notice at the warehouse.

Around that time, I got my student loan and some other financial help for students, bursary and student grand. So even though I was out of work I was financially OK.

First experience of studying at the university was tragic. We got some print-outs to read at home. I started reading them one evening and I did not understand a word! It was written in academic English, which I had found too hard. I burst into tears. But then, we were to write a short assignment about oil prices for our business module and I got -A. I was delighted and my self-believe was restored. Mr Bez checked my English before I handed it in. Then he claimed it was thanks to him! But he was not academic, not at all. His English was worse than mine.

I was renting that bigger room, which was more expensive. So I decided to get a roommate. I advertised online and got response shortly after. There was that girl, starting uni at the same time as me. Not from Homeland, but from other Eastern European Country. She did not mind sharing the bed and was soon coming to the UK. I picked her up from the airport and took her home. Her suitcase broke during the travel, so we took a taxi back, but I did not explain taxi driver where I lived and we ended up getting off too soon and dragging her broken suitcase up the hill. She was tall, skinny with blond short hair, very pretty. She could be a model. I will call her Luc. She was nice and pleasant at first but always liked her own company and kept her cards close to her chest. I did not mind it as I was busy with my own life. But once, after that shit happened I needed a shoulder to cry on and she was not there for me. I did not like that. I think even a complete stranger would listen…

Mr Bez was always around and I must admit that after a stressful day at uni, or lonely depressing day off, I loved his company. He was my savior. Despite me telling him I did not want to be in a relationship, he would turn up in the evening, unannounced and take me out of my misery. He would take me to his favorite KFC, to the pub for a drink or to his flat. He was usually full of ideas of what we could do in our spare time. Sometimes we were just chilling watching one of his DVDs. We (me, Mummy, Sal and Mr Bez) used to play badminton together. Me and Mummy in one team, against Sal and Mr Bez. We used to kicked their asses :). Sal could not care less but Mr Bez was very competitive and could not get over it. It was amusing.

It was just after I moved out of Mummy’s, Mr Bez was driving me somewhere (probably from Not Such a Beautiful Town to the Horrid Town). We talked about something and in the conversation he said: I THINK I LOVE YOU. I was confused and overwhelmed. The though of being loved was delightful but the though that I could not say it back was somewhat painful. I liked Mr Bez and adored him as a friend. He was caring, charming, quite cute, handsome, adventurous, very funny and a great friend with a golden heart. But also 19 years older with shady past, of which I was to find out soon. When he got his council flat, me, Mummy and P bought him a kettle and a small electric oven. We put it in the boot of his car to surprise him. He had tears in his eyes when he found it.

There was a point when I contacted Daddy and we went out for a dinner. He gave me a THANK YOU card, in which he listed all the things he was grateful for. One of them was giving myself to him for my very first time. I was moved and emotional. We ended up at his, in his bed. So we were back together but it lasted only two weeks. After Daddy lost me, he lost his job and ended up in the hospital because of stress. When we got back together he was on medications. Sometimes he had to go and lie down for few minutes because he was not feeling well. I blamed myself for his state. I had hurt him really badly and completely fucked it up for us, it was NEVER THE SAME AGAIN. Also, Mr Bez was still popping up in my life. I was the most scared of hurting Daddy again so I felt I had to disappear from his life again.

I would not predict then, I spend the next 3 years of my life with Mr Bez…

The worst day of my life

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

I was not the only person who was moving around that time. Mr Bez was to move too. The more we knew him the more the mystery of Mr Bez was unraveling. He lived in a tiny room in some horrid house full of weirdos and working in a warehouse. And he was skint. All our theories about Mr Bez were proven to be wrong. So in the end he was not that celebrity slash drug dealer sort. But he was proven to be a great friend. The one, who would do everything to for you and always up for laugh.

He used to pop in to Mummy’s even when P moved out, just to say hello, for a cup of tea or to hang out. He would cut the grass in the garden or help out with other things as the renovation in the house was ongoing. Mummy was changing all internal doors and hanging wallpaper in the hall around that time. Mr Bez was happy to help. He finally got one-bed council flat, in the town nearby my university and was about to move there.

The New Town…

But I moved first. I went to Homeland just before I moved. I needed a laptop to study, to look for job and to keep contact with the loved ones. My brother in law sorted me out. I packed my bags before I went, so when I came back I stayed with Mummy and the kids for only one night. I can not remember whether the new Au Pair was already there then. The next day, I packed everything I had in Mummy’s car and she took me to my new place.

Before I moved people asked me why I was moving to that awful town. At that time I did not know anything about it, so my answer was – ‘because my university is there’. Then, I realized it was quite a Horrid Town. Just very ugly, run down, depressive looking. And dangerous… with rather high level of crime, as it turned out later.

Dirty little secrets coming out…

Mr Bez turned out to be quite a clever and curious bloke and somehow very interested in me. He would ask P ‘where I was disappearing every weekend‘. P just told him the name of the Town and that I was just visiting friends. Mr Bez was suspicious. He let me drive his car once. I passed my driving test and did not want my driving skills get rusty. In a conversation about cars, I asked him whether he liked Jags. He said he did not. Daddy had a Jag, so I said I loved Jags. Mummy must had had mentioned to Mr Bez about Daddy and his Jag. Mummy absolutely despised Daddy at that point and he was often mentioned in conversation. Anyway, Mr Bez put 2 and 2 together and he just knew about me and Daddy. He knew I was visiting him every weekend. He never said it, but he just gave me that look… but I also knew he would not say anything to Mummy. He was my friend as much as Mummy’s. He told me I should tell her though. He said she would find out anyway and that it would be better if it came from me. I did not want to. Once I was very close… she was my dear friend and she deserved to know. But I did not tell her. I was too scared. Even though part of me was dying to tell her, because holding it in for over a year then was killing me.

The New House…

It took me about a day to start missing Mummy and the kids. I felt overwhelmingly lonely. I missed Daddy too. I requested him to visit me everyday after work. It was completely ridiculous request, so he understandably said NO. We lived even father apart, about an hour by car. He would still come, but maybe once a week. Once, he came and fall asleep just after dinner. I was angry and disappointed, I know I behaved like a spoiled brat when it came to Daddy. He spoiled me.

Just as I expected P did not move in with me so I rented that bigger room unnecessary. She changed her mind about thousand times and at the end she was moving back to the same area where she used to live before, to be with that new boyfriend, as their romance was blossoming. My new room and the house was disgusting, old, filthy and smelly. But I could not afford anything better. I did not even have a job. First thing I bought, when I moved in, was a pair of slippers. I never used to have a pair, but the carpet in my room was so dirty that I just could not walk on it barefoot. The garden was like a jungle with a broken pavement stairs disappearing under bushes. I would not even know where to start, if it came to tidying it up.

First days… (in Horrid Town)

First days I spent looking for a job – walking down town with my CV, which Daddy printed for me. I was skint, so I did not eat all day. By the evening I was starving. My African live-in landlord, used to cook some spicy beef and rice almost everyday. I would sneak into the kitchen and ate some when he was not there. He was a cool and friendly man, very very calm and easygoing. I will call him Sound. Sound had a very Pretty girlfriend. She was gorgeous and friendly, she was studying at the same university I was about to start. She mentioned to me a job in a warehouse, where her friend worked. It was relatively well paid and the recruitment was ongoing. It was rather far though. About 25 min by car from the Horrid Town. Unfortunately, the public transport between the Horrid Town and that warehouse was almost non existent.

The new job…

I applied for a warehouse job anyway. But before they contacted me I also sign up for small ad hoc jobs in the area. I ended up leafleting for Subway, in nearby towns. Surprisingly I enjoyed it, but it was a hard work. Once Daddy picked me up after and took me to his for a weekend. The next day I slept till 5pm, just could not wake up. I must have been exhausted. Then, warehouse people contacted me. I had a group interview. As it was far I asked Mummy to take me there. She was happy to. Mr Bez must have been bored that day as he came along too. Mummy had a crash on Mr Bez. She mentioned that once briefly. I left them both in the car and went for my assessment day in the warehouse.

Sins, sins and more sins…

I lived in the Horrid Town alone, but every moment I could, I spent visiting Mummy and the kids in Not Such a Beautiful Town. P moved out but was often popping in. We would hang out together again; me, P, Mummy, Sal and Mr Bez. Just like good old times. As mentioned above, Mummy had a crash on Mr Bez. Being a little crazy, fun loving and full of energy I was sure she would be a point of his interest. Especially as P moved out and had that new fella. Also, Mr Bez had realized how naughty and immoral P was and he just did not want to be a part of her adventures. I was sure Mummy was to be the next, he would be interested in. Mummy was single, after few flings she already managed to have in Not Such a Beautiful Town. One with a neighbor (who was a complete dumb ass looser with a kid, living with his mother, who despised Mummy) and another with car salesman, who sold her new car. Mummy was interested. Mr Bez was not. He was interested in me…

It happened once, that Me, Daddy, P and Mr Bez went together to the pub, just as friends. Very unlikely combination. Mr Bez and P knew about Daddy. Apparently, Mr Bez questioned Daddy about me. It was not a good idea to go out to the pub in that composition. We did not glue. It was P’s idea. It never happened again. Daddy was somewhat posh whereas P and Mr Bez were somewhat chavy. I could be both, but not at the same time! I was kind of in the middle. I guess, for me being somewhat chavy, meant being myself.

It also happened once, that me, P and Mr Bez drunk some vodka at the cafe owner house, where P was staying before she moved. Me and P got horny and started winding up Mr Bez about having a threesome. We touched each other and him. But he totally freaked out and almost run away spoiling our fun! I do not think we would do anything it was just a wind up, but from then on we could not stop ourselves from taking the piss out of Mr Bez running away from two horny girls.

It also happened once, that one evening Mr Bez drove me to Not Such a Beautiful Town and I stayed at the house of the cafe owner. Like I said, he was always ready to help out and he would often give me a lift when I needed as I did not have a car. There was a new Au Pair in Mummy’s house and Mummy was on a night shift so there was no point and no space for me to stay at Mummy’s. I was just bored and lonely and I did not want to stay in that horrid room in that Horrid Town on my own. And Daddy would not come and see me that night. So I stayed with the cafe owner, where P used to live for a short while. Cafe owner was not our friend, but she was weirdly cool. She was alright with me staying over hers. I think, P was coming soon to visit. Mr Bez dropped me off there and said he would come to see me later. I was not too fussed. Few hours later, he was running late and I was tired and almost falling asleep. The cafe owner knocked and said Mr Bez arrived. She did not like him. I could see she was not approving. I was tired and knew that if I went, something would happen. I do not know why, but I got up and went out with him. I can not remember where we went, probably to the pub. But I remember very well we ended up at his place in his tiny room. He gave me his shorts and a t-shirt and we fall asleep.

In the morning, I woke up extremely proud of myself, that nothing happened the night before. Oopst I though that too quickly. Mr Bez woke up, and very very slowly and sneakily took his shorts off me and dived down taking me to heaven… I am not sure we had sex then, but we surely ended up doing it at some point later…

After that, I could not face Daddy ever again. The guilt crushed me and I though it was a high time to break it off. So I did. I am not proud of the way I did it as I did it over the phone. I know, I am a disgusting human being. I wanted to tell him face to face, but he knew something was wrong and demanded from me to tell him, before he came over. So I told him. Daddy was crying and so was I, we were on the phone for over an hour. He asked me if there was somebody else. I said there was not. Daddy knew we would not be together forever but he imagined we would break up beautifully with some kind of celebration of what we had. He told me that. He seemed concerned about my future.

I did not want to be with Mr Bez. I just wanted to start afresh and I wanted a break from it all. Unfortunately, Mr Bez took it as hope that I broke up with Daddy. He thought I did it for him…

New job II…

I got that job in the warehouse. It was in a chiller with about 4 degrees so I was wearing a massive, thick dungarees, boots, a coat and a hat. I was working only night shifts from about 8 pm to 6 am. It was tiring so when I got home I slept till about 6pm, then I got up, ate and went to work again. Mr Bez was very supportive, he would take me to work in the evening and pick me up in the morning. He was working in a warehouse as well, but somewhere else. As I was not interested in him and I wanted to be independent from him I asked other workers for a lift if they lived in the Horrid Town doing the same shifts. I managed to get a lift once with a couple of lads, but then they said they could not do it anymore because of their religion. Mr Bez was always around and happy to give me a lift.

In the meantime Mr Bez moved to his council flat and was in a process of doing it up, painting and decorating.

The wost days and nights of my life

One night-shift, we went for a break, about midnight. I bought some food, and sat down in the canteen with my colleagues. I took my phone out, looked at it and went white on my face. I must had looked pretty bad because my colleagues asked me if I was OK. I was not. I had tons of miscalls from Mummy and the same from Daddy and few messaged from both. Daddy messaged me that he told Mummy all about us and that what I had done to him was not very nice! Mummy just slagged me off and called me names. Rightly so. I felt sick and just wanted to die. Instead, I went back to work and spend some horrible hours in the chiller, not able to cry or speak to anyone about it. In the morning, Mr Bez came to pick me up. I told him – Mummy knows about me and Daddy. Daddy told her. He said – I told you to tell her yourself, you should have listened to me! I was expecting some kind of support in that hour of misery, from Mr Bez, but rightly so he was angry with me. I felt completely alone, guilty and disgusted with myself. I hit the rock bottom. IT WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. Actually, it was the night and the day and few days and nights that followed…

It turned out that Mummy and Daddy spoke on the phone. They used to be in contact because of Buddy, even though Mummy hated Daddy. Then Daddy would ask Mummy about me. Daddy must had been missing me. Mummy told Daddy about Mr Bez. I confessed to Mummy I slept with Mr Bez, as she was my friend and finally I did not have to hold back from sharing that with her. When Daddy heard about me and with Mr Bez he went mad. He was a little bit drunk. He disconnected, drunk a bit more and called Mummy back. In an anger he told her everything about us. Then Mummy went mental. They both called me lots of times, but I was at work in the warehouse so I did not pick up…

Coming to the end of the road…

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

Following days, weeks and months I spent trying to organize my future, my student loan, accommodation and employment.

The thought of leaving the Family was overwhelming and scary, but I was excited at the same time. New life, new town, new responsibilities, new friends, university!

At that time I was just about to take my driving test for the second time. I also got a part-time job in the cafe, which was good fun. In the morning I would take kids to school then I would go to the cafe, then after lunch time I would run to school to pick them up, squeezing my final driving lessons in the meantime. I managed to save up around a thousand pounds, which was just a drop in the ocean of what I needed to start my new life at the university. I still did not have a clue where I was going to live while studying and I remember joking to Sweety, that I was going to live under the bridge. Mummy started to look for a new Au Pair. The Big Change was becoming more and more real.

New Girl… P

I was curious to meet the New Girl, who replaced Sweety. She was from Homeland too. The only name for her I can think of begins with P and is rather rude… so I think I will just call her P. I met her one day, after dropping kids at school. The little girl she looked after recognized me and run to me for a hug, calling my name. P followed her with a cheeky smile on her face. She was tiny, pretty, feminine with black hair cut in a bob. She was putting on an act introducing herself (which I don’t like or respect). But the more time I spent with P, the more herself she acted so I actually thought she was OK, very easy to talk to, full of energy and up for anything. Being in similar positions we had a lot to talk about. I must had had a need to confess at that time, because it did not take me long to tell P about me and Daddy. I guess at that point it was not an affair anymore as Mummy and Daddy were not together for months then. But I still understandably kept it secret from Mummy. I think I am quite a good judge of character because I quickly realize that P was a trouble …. and she was. She was very very naughty. Very popular with lots going on. She recently split up with her boyfriend, who she would not shut up about. You would think he was the love of her life. Unfortunately, he managed to get another girl pregnant and told P about it over the phone, while she was briefly on holiday in the Homeland. He was still very much in her head, as was her another ex-boyfriend from Homeland.

Shortly after I met P (one week), she convinced me to go with her for a long weekend to the town she used to live in before she arrived in Not Such a Beautiful Town. She had some unfinished business with another guy and wanted to sort it out. Yes, P was rather crazy girl and she loved sex (beyond). I went with her as I though it would be good to go somewhere new, meet new people, explore new town and change a scenery. And I was curious. We stayed in a house with 5 men, but it was OK. We went out few times, drunk, smoked and danced. That guy was not interested in P anymore, but she met another one! I got bored after 2 days and I missed Daddy so called him to come and pick me up. He went for a bike ride that day and was very very tired. I was over an hour away, but he came and picked me up. Then we had a row as Daddy was jealous I spent two days in the house full of young men. He was worried I did something. But I did not. I managed to calmed him down.

Mr Bez

At weekends P used to go away to that town she had lived in before. She met that new guy there and things were hotting up between them. When she came back she was dying to tell me all about it. We were like two homeless kittens. We needed some privacy to talk and none of the houses we lived in was suitable. We decided to go to the pub. On the way we met some old drunk Italian twat, who would not live us alone and was insisting to go to the pub with us. I though ‘no way!’. While P considered it to be a great idea. ‘He will buy us drinks’. We rumbled into one of the local pubs with that Italian Twat. He did buy us drinks indeed. He also considered it necessary to dance with me in the pub during karaoke song. Not good idea. He was completely glued to me and I was completely not interested. P found it amusing. There was a guy singing ‘Easy Like Sunday Morning’. He was bloody good at it. Me and P were convinced he was paid to sing there to rise the bar and make the whole experience of karaoke actually entertaining . He was a pleasure to listen to and P was recording him on her mobile phone. At that time it was all I though about him, not knowing our paths would cross soon. He finished singing and came over and sat next to us. P was all over him, telling him all about that ex who got that girl pregnant and showing him her holidays pics on her phone while I was stuck with the Italian Twat telling me about his Ferrari and that he wanted to show me it on the way back home. P and karaoke man exchanged numbers and we left home with the Italian Twat. He let me wear his jacket as it got colder. Came handy at last. We never saw him again. We saw karaoke man... I will call HIM Mr Bez

P broke few house rules while working as a nanny. She would come back home from her ventures on Monday morning just before taking kids to school, causing major concerns for the parents of the children she used to look after. She dyed her hair black and some of the bathroom at the same time. The mum of the kids she looked after was not impressed. I think she had an OCD about cleanliness of her house. When Sweety worked for her she made her dry the kitchen sink and the tap every-time it was used. P did not make a good impression as a nanny and she was progressively worse, partying away and being irresponsible. Finally, after causing another drama she got fired and chucked with nowhere to go. Me and mummy adopted her. P and Mummy got on great from the day I introduced them. They were both full of energy, friendly, a little crazy and up for anything.

One day, P and Mummy called me while I was working in the cafe. They insisted I pop into the pub to meet them, on my way home. I did not want to as I stunk of fry up and did not look very presentable. But they insisted, so I did. Thinking there would be just two of them waiting for me. Right? Wrong! There they were, Mummy and P on one side of a table and Mr Bez on the other. I remember Mr Bez was looking at them worried and full of suspicion. Mummy and P were giggling like crazy and chatting away. I sat down wondering whether the rest can smell fry up from me. We chatted for a short while and then left. SO WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT? I asked them. P told me, she went out with Mr Bez and just wanted to show him to Mummy. Mummy had a soft spot for black men and Mr Bez originating from Jamaica was very much of her liking. Yes, he was good looking with his big muscly arms. Must admit.

One weekend, I went to Daddy’s I did not turn my phone off. I just put it on silent. Mummy called. Obviously I did not pick up. Then she called again. And again. I panicked but though I am entitled to my time off at weekends. But I knew something must had happened as Mummy never called me at weekends when I was away. Not 5 times. When I came back on Sunday evening, full of worries, no one was home. Mr Bez pull over in his small sport car juts when I was approaching home. He told me Cheeky had an accident. She bumped her head while being chased by a boy in a pub garden. She was in a hospital. I was worried. Mr Bez offered to drive me to the hospital. We went, but we were too late. Cheeky, Mummy and the kids already left for home. When we arrived home, Mummy did not want to speak to me. She was very angry with me for not picking up the phone when she needed me. I felt guilty… I was not just her Au Pair. She considered me to be her friend. And I let her down. On top of that I had my driving test the next morning. Mr Bez wanted to stick up for me, but there was nothing he could say to make things better. Cheeky had a bruise under each eye and on her forehead but she was OK.

The next day I passed my driving test! Mummy was still angry with me in the morning, but when I told her I passed she was very happy for me. She congratulated me and her anger was gone. We were friends again…

My sister, the one who came to save me, when we lived in The Beautiful Town, moved to the UK and was working as an Au Pair as well, around that time. Unfortunately far away from me, but we still managed to meet up. I went to see her few times, one time with Daddy. She also came down to see me few times. Her Family was lovely and she was a happy Au Pair.

When P lived with us, Mr Bez would come almost everyday to pick her up and take her out. Sometimes they asked me to go out with them but I never did. I would feel like a fifth wheel. I must admit I was jealous that they were partying while I sat at home. When she came back she would tell me they went to the club and Mr Bez was treated like a VIP there. Me and P created some funny theories about who Mr Bez was and why he was so mysterious. We actually did not know anything about him, not even where he lived.

P became a nanny for two little girls of the lady who owned the cafe, where I worked – thanks to me. She moved out and was still seeing Mr Bez as well as that other guy she met in the town she used to live in. For her, seeing Mr Bez was very casual, nothing serious. I did not blame her as Mr Bez was 19 years older than us. But he did not look it at all. He looked 30 max. Once, Mr Bez called P, while she was in bed with the other guy… she told me about it. She was not impressed.

I was still seeing Daddy at weekends. But was slowly coming to terms that moving out and starting the university should be the time me and Daddy went separate ways. We talked about parting, but I do not think he realized. I was thinking then, that I should be partying at weekends instead of going for walks and candle lit dinners. I told Daddy once that I wanted to live in the house full of my friends. I imagined my next few years like that comedy Friends. Funny, light and silly times before I become boring adult and settle down. Daddy wanted me to move in with him and get a part-time job in Tesco… His place was about an hour away from the university. He said I could pay for a taxi to get there instead of paying the rent. At that time I was so dependent on Daddy, I could have easily done it. The other part of me was shouting -‘ if you do it you will never become independent!!!’

Mr Bez had a friend, he introduced him to us one time in the pub. I will call him Sal. I do not know why Sal. But Sal is good. We became a group of friends. Just what I always wanted! Me, Mummy, P, Mr Bez and Sal. We would go out together or just hang out. It was good times and good memories.

One time, me and Daddy were lying in the bed cuddling after one of our sessions. ‘Marry me…’ said Daddy. Silence. Mind-boggling. Why is he asking me that, knowing well what I wanted to do with me life? I then told Daddy a story about Sue. Sue was that lady I created in my head for Daddy. I told Daddy that he would meet Sue soon and fell in love with her completely. And that Sue would have everything Daddy needed and wanted in a woman and she would be much better than me, more mature and she would commit. He did not buy it. He did not want Sue. He wanted me. I felt overwhelming weight on my shoulders. I was seriously considering leaving Daddy, just did not have a clue how to break it to him.

I looked at few rooms for rent, cheapest ones, in the town where I was starting the university soon. Majority was minging. Mummy was with me and she would say I AM NOT LETTING YOU STAY HERE. Finally, I found one, which was an OK, not great. Cheap and cheerful. It was a double room as P decided at some point she is going to the university with me and was just about to apply. Her father insisted she did it. Of course that never happened.But I was about to move! P organized me a leaving party, invited our boss (the cafe owner) and her husband (very unlikely guests) and few other cafe workers. New Au Pair was also organized and due to arrive just after I was gone.

Daddy bought me some chocolate bed sheets, blanket and an electric heater. I still have got that blanket and the heater. Actually I am sitting on that blanket as we speak! All I had was my clothes, majority from homeland and very few I bought in the UK.

Final days of working with the kids, I felt very emotional. Everyday I was realizing – THIS WILL BE OVER SOON. I was realizing how happy I was and how much I loved my life then. The only thing I was looking forward to was not being woke up by kids on Saturday and Sunday morning. The kids did not realize how much I loved them. They all drew the farewell cards for me, wishing me good luck in the future… They were the best kids ever…

I was coming to the end of being an Au Pair…

I was coming to the end of living in Not Such a Beautiful Town…

I was coming to the end of working in the cafe…

I was coming to the end of being careless and free…

I was coming to the end of my relationship with Daddy…

I was coming to the end of the road…

Easter on the beach

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

I spent Christmas in the Homeland. It was my first trip home since coming to the UK. I liked Christmas at home as it was greatly celebrated, very religiously. I loved being with my family, but I could have seen their disappointment with lack of my personal and professional progress. I could see they expected me to do something else, I mean I was an Au Pair for almost a year now with no plans for future. They wanted the best for me and by the best they meant degree and proper work. At that point I did not know what I wanted to do with my life and was often panicking about my future. I am sure many Au Pairs wonder that. Being Au Pair is like a honey trap, when it’s good, it’s so good and life is so blissful you do not want it to end. But then again, do you want to look after someone’s kids for £60 a week forever? Nah. So I had to think about my future plans.

I came back to the UK, greeted by text from Daddy ‘welcome back sweetheart’ – heartwarming. Mummy picked me up from the airport. One day when kids were at school me, Mummy and Sweety were siting at home and I burst out in tears about my worries. Mummy went onto her university’s website and scrolled down a list of courses available at that university. She asked me what I wanted to do. I did not have a clue, so she started reading out from the list of courses. I was not confident about my English and in general scared of the idea of studying in the UK. I mean how was I supposed to maintain myself? Most of the courses I said ‘No’ to and was left with little choice but to pick something Vague and Easy, so I did. I was applying to study in the UK, which in the Homeland meant a lot.

One day, on my way to Sweety’s home, where Daddy was waiting in his car to pick me up, my phone rung. It was Mummy. I panicked but decided to answer. She was very excited, screaming down the phone. ‘You got an unconditional place at the University! I am so happy for you. Letter came and I accidentally opened it!’ I was relieved and happy.

Easter on the beach

That Easter me and Daddy spent by the seaside on the beach. Daddy’s friend owned a park-home on the cliff. We went there and it was absolutely great and lovely. As always, Daddy took care of everything, pampering me every day of our stay. Weather was brilliant and I remember running on the beach in the sun, filled with happiness. Amazing hedonistic days, great food, beach, sun, walks, exploring nearby towns and lots of sex including food. That holiday brought us very close, closer than we have been before. We both must have felt the same because from that holiday we started seeing each other every weekend and some weekdays. I was going to leave Mummy and the kids soon, before my university started in October. I guess I just wanted it all. I was stopping myself from felling in love with Daddy for so long it was tiring. I was always very honest with Daddy. From the moment I realize we would not be together forever I told him that. He knew exactly how I felt and he was happy to accept me and take whatever I was willing to give him. I was so young and with all my life ahead he understood I could not commit to him. However, we were seeing each other very often, some days Daddy would pick me up in the evening and we would just go for walk up the hills, make love (up the hills or in the car).

Sweety

Around that time Sweety decided it was the end of the road for her in England. She told me that the mother of the kids she looked after, had already organized another girl to take care of them. I was gutted because me and Sweety got very close and we knew each other dirty secrets. The day we had to say ‘Goodbye‘ was hard. Daddy was picking me up just after that. It was heartbreaking for both of us. We created something great, beautiful and so special with our friendship, which we knew could not be recreated ever again. We were not sure whether we would see each other again. We cried, hugged and sobbed. Brokenhearted I got into Daddy’s car, I was crying so much Daddy had to pull over half way through and calm me down. Sweety was gone. My heart was sad.

Not Such a Beautiful Town… from Heaven to Hell (and back again).

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

It was a shit-hole…

My first of many times I had to move places in the UK. We moved from Beautiful Town, grand 4 bedrooms house with massive garden, in an affluent area, surrounded by lovely hills to Not Such a Beautiful Town, ex-council 3 bedrooms house in a need of renovation with tiny garden. I mean… there was a dirty, old carpet in the kitchen and bathroom. WTF? We needed to change kitchen window and the front door almost immediately, for our own safety… The neighbors were friendly and welcoming, but you could see that their mentality differed from that of neighbors from the Beautiful Town. When we arrived, we still had to wait in the car for about an hour for vendors to move out!

After initial shock to the system, we had no choice but to get on with it… Mummy’s friend went to the bathroom, came out and told Mummy not to come in till she cleaned it. The house was in a disgusting state, everything was old, horrible, dirty and smelly. Previous owners smoked, so everything was covered in yellow, smelly, greasy layer left by cigarets smoke. And the kids were on the way back from their holiday with Grandma…

We did as much as we could to make it as good as it was possible. We organized kids bedrooms first, so they could settle down quickly, before they started their new school. That meant me and mummy sleeping on the mattress in her empty bedroom. I did not have my own bedroom at all. All my clothes were in a suitcase. There was a box room that Mummy planned to convert into a 4th bedroom, for me.

Of course my first thoughts were ‘go back to Daddy asap’, but I could not leave her alone there, in that shit… could I?

Then, the kids came back from summer holiday with Grandma and the hell broke… Children are these amazing creatures, who can not control their emotions and are very prone to changes of the routine. They took it bad. Understandably, they were not happy. Their circumstances changed dramatically against their will and completely out of their control. Days were filled with tears and tantrums. Buddy could not get over loosing his DAD, his creams tore my heart. I cried too because I felt so sorry for them. On top of all that, they had to start their new school, make new friends and accommodate in new environment they were not used to. It was decided that Daddy would still have contact with the kids, especially Buddy.

Me, Mummy and Mummy’s friends were working hard to make a house a home, painting, decorating etc… Thinking about it now, we did bloody good job. It took almost a year, but we painted and decorated it throughout. My bedroom was finally done after few months. Some windows, all doors and carpets were changed. New flooring in the kitchen and bathroom and new kitchen.

Sweety

The kids made new friends with bunch of local scruffy kids. They were running around, in and outside the house. Mummy carried on with her studies and I met another childminder (from my Homeland) at school. I will call her Sweety, because she was lovely, kind, motherly, funny and sweet. We became really close friends, as our circumstances were similar we understood each other very well. She did not speak good English, but it was ok – she worked for family with mother who was from the Homeland too. ‘Her kids’ were lovely (two girls), especially the younger one. Me and Sweety spent lots of time together, after we dropped the kids at school we would meet up almost every day.

Sweety was amazing, because despite her really bad childhood, she was still full of positive energy, smiling, warm and loving. Her father back in Homeland was an alcoholic, who once set a fire to their house. He went to prison for it and Sweety was left with horrible burns and scars on her face and body. Her mum got married again. Again to a horrible, waste of space excuse of a man. I am always full of admiration for people like Sweety, who went through hell but are still smiling and live their life well.

Then I got ill and spent few days in Buddy’s bedroom watching Shrek II dvd, as it was the nicest place in the house at the beginning.

Life was not easiest, but we were slowly getting used to it.

Daddy

One day I got email from Daddy. ‘Now, when we can be finally together 100%, you decided to stop contact with me’.

I was tempted to have that little bit of comfort in my life without feeling so much guilt. Daddy still had contact with Buddy, he would come and take him over his for weekends. Once or twice me and all 3 kids went to his. I would meet up with Spider to catch up. We were still attending college together. Me, Daddy and the kids would go for walks, just like good old times. Kids would run around hills and meadows and Daddy would kiss me, rub my back or take my hand when they were not watching and kept persuading me to stay in contact. I agreed and we started seeing each other at weekends. I would lie to Mummy, that I was meeting up with friends from the college. Daddy would come and pick me up. We agreed to meet up by Sweety’s house as it was quite far from our house, just to be on a safe side. Of course I told Sweety all about Daddy. She was shocked but fascinated by my story, she had similar story herself. She told me once (from her experience) ‘the truth will come out, it always does’. She was right… but at that time I did not want to think about it.

It was around that time, I started learning to drive. Mummy was really helpful and supportive, letting me drive when we went shopping.

I loved them rare weekends at Daddy’s. I decided to meet up with him only once a month as not to rise suspicion. Me and Mummy talked a lot and were quite close so it would be difficult to meet up more often. Once a month was perfect, because anticipation made us even more hungry of each other. Daddy use to say ‘All good things come to those who wait’.

I jumped in Daddy’s car, turned my phone off and plunged into a pure bliss. That was how Daddy made me feel like. Everything was taken care of. He wanted me as much as I wanted him or even more. Holding hands in the car, he would tell me about our great plans for the weekend. I felt like he was realizing all his dreams, which he had never done before with anyone. I gave him my affection, energy, laughter and breeze of youth and happiness and he gave me so much needed sense of security, comfort and feeling of being loved. As soon as we got home, we could not get our hands of each other. Before I took my coat off, we were on the floor making love. We visited so many lovely, beautiful places, and no place was too far. We loved exploring south coast, dining in great restaurants, walking, talking, laughing, bathing together… Daddy would dry me off with a towel kissing every part of my body, carried me to bed and then we would make love for hours. I would glance at the electronic clock by the bed not believing it was almost morning. Few hours sleep… then his impatient hands were all over my body again… followed by breakfast in bed. I was the happiest then. I was a princess. One time we made bird’s house for his garden. Another time he took me to the theater. He cooked for me or take me to the dinner. I used to look through his kitchen window at the neighbors window, wondering whether they suspected anything…

‘All good things come to the end…’

Leaving Beautiful Town…

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

into the unknown…

I decided to go with Mummy. My decision was based on guilt and female solidarity. Also, I hoped it was a way out of that unfortunate relationship I had with Daddy. With time I sobered up and took a step back to look at my situation. I noticed things I did not like about Daddy. It did hurt me, that while I had feelings for Daddy, he used to spent every with Mummy. I was jealous (I know – stupid, they were in a relationship and all that – but it still DID HURT ME). I was sometimes angry with him for the situation, even though we both caused it. That cooled down my feelings for Daddy in a simple process of self-preservation. Also, he cheated on Mummy, so what kind of person was he to hurt somebody like that. Even though I liked older men, I was only 20 and not so ready for a serious relationship. He was 38 and serious relationship was exactly what he wanted. I did not want to be trapped and going with Mummy gave me more options. I thought then ‘what is the best for me?’ and decided that it was the best for me to run from him… Of course I still had feelings for him and was still torn… Throughout months I was bouncing between extreme emotions. Love, lust, safety, stability and happiness which made me think I want to stay and carry on with Daddy. But also fear, extreme guilt, disgust for myself, female solidarity, need of freedom, which made me want to go with Mummy and forget about Daddy, putting it all completely behind me and starting afresh.

The next month or so, Mummy spent on the internet researching properties to buy. We would jump into the car to go and see it. She would then discuss it with me, how she would refurbish it and what she would change. She was full of hope and ideas, I was amazed how strong, clever and brave she was. Of course she had her moments of weakness, crying and listening to sad, heartbreak songs… However, she was very excited about new life. She went out and met a man. Nothing serous but enough to give her self-confidence she so much needed and was lacking after the break up with Daddy. I went out with her once too and Daddy was not impressed – I think he was scared I would meet someone…

Daddy was sad, I think he was sad of loosing me and loosing his Family…

Then, Mummy found the right place for us (her, me and the kids) to move to, about 40 minutes away by car. When all was sorted, she took the kids up North (it was summer holiday) leaving me with Daddy for about a week. The last days together, without feeling so much guilt. We made the most of it; went away on trips, cooked and ate, spent all nights kissing, touching, cuddling and… finally… we made love. Daddy really made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. He took me to heaven and back… Made me feel like he would do everything for me. I was still freaking out about Mummy finding out, so the last night before she came back I spent in my own bed… Daddy spend it on the floor by that bed holding my hand…

The plan was; we would move, sort the place out enough to make it liveable. Then, Grandma would bring the kids back, straight to the new place. It was a sunny day, the 1st of September. Mummy came back in the morning with her Friend. Removal van turned up shortly after. I got up, put my bed apart and within few hours we were ready to go… to the unknown. Daddy gave me a big hug and the next minute we were gone. We stopped in the McDonald for a lunch, before reaching the new place – Not Such a Beautiful Town

Au Pair – Affair…II Bad Times

Posted by curiouslittlechicken

wanting to be wanted…

[warning… this one is long as well]

I loved working with those children. They were sometimes naughty and demanding like any other children, but I loved them because of their amazing personalities.

Cheeky 9 – was troubled, skinny, beautiful with big eyes, dark lovely long hair (after her mum) little freckles on her nose and cheeks. Like I said she was troubled and therefore the most naughty. Mummy called it demanding. She loved being in control. She and Mummy held the same surname, but she was from different dad, than the other two, which sometimes caused arguments and tears.

Bluebell 7 – she was secretly my favorite, maybe because she reminded me of myself when I was little. She was very clever, big brown eyes, quiet and just so lovely and well behaved, I just wanted to give her cuddle and tell her how amazing she was. Her good behavior was appreciated by Mummy and Daddy and she would get some treats or gifts for being good, unlike the other two.

Buddy 5 – was just sweet and adorable, looked like a little doll. He could be really lovely and very funny, but sometimes under influence of Cheeky, he would turned into right little devil. However, I still adored him. A little bit less his sloppy kisses ;).

Spider

I became friends with another local Au Pair who, I was lucky enough to have around in that Beautiful Town. I will call her Spider, as that was how she described herself once, saying that her arms and legs were skinny and her belly round (which was somewhat true). Spider did not like children, she had much worse behaving kids than mine, she worked for a single mum, who would often leave her alone with them and went away for work. She was not a cuddly person, rather reserved and cold, and always tired and hungry… so I would feed her with kids snacks, when she came around. When she was coming round my kids (I always call them my kids) would run to her to give her hugs, just because they knew her. She would almost fight them off, winging that she did not like cuddles. She was sound, but would not normally become my friend under different circumstances. I always said I was happy with my Family, but she would tell me to wait and see… almost as if she did not wish me well…Or she could not deal with the fact that I had it good and she had it bad. She also had bad experience as an Au Pair in the past. She went through few different families and from one she escaped through the window … Me and Spider used to attend the same college. She was from a different Eastern European country.

Back to the affair…

Well, it was not even full blown affair then. We kissed and that was for a long time it. After what happened up the hills, I came back to my senses very quickly – the next day. That day in the morning, Daddy run to my bedroom to give me a Good Morning Kiss. Everyone was in the house at that moment, so I completely panicked and almost died. I did not appreciate him putting me at risk. First I told him that we should be more cautious, a word I had to research in the dictionary. Then I realized, we should not had had ever done it at all. I told him we had to stop – I said that out of fear and guilt. He was not happy… and tried to convince otherwise. I was scared, but obviously part of me wanted to be wanted. In that Beautiful Town there was not much to do, me and Spider went to the pub once and it was dead… the Beautiful Town was full of families with children and old people… it was beautiful but boring. I mean… how much walking can you do in a day? Lots… and that was what I did trying to clear my head and to sort the situation out. But I did not. Every time Daddy made a move, kissed me, hugged me or took my hand to hold – I gave in. I was exploding with different emotions: fear, guilt, disgust, love, lust and curiosity. (Yes, I know it was not love then, but something similar).

During that time, all we did was kissing, touching and holding hands while sitting on the sofa, when no one was around. Waiting in anticipation for Mummy to go on a night shift to the hospital and for kids to go to bed, so we could spent some much-craved time alone… Daddy was such a gentleman, he asked me once ‘Can I kiss you and touch you everywhere’? Affirmative… of course affirmative. Simply by asking that he made me feel safe, and that he would not do anything I would not want him to do.

Close shaves…

Once, when we sat on the sofa facing each other very close. Mummy was not at home and kids were in bed. We almost kissed… when I heard a laugh and scream. It was Cheeky, sitting on the stairs looking at us through the gap between the door and the door frame. My heartbeat went up to million per second and I totally panicked. I was so ashamed, panicking and hating myself at that minute. Daddy was stressed out too but, he took control of the situation and told Cheeky that he was telling me off for something. In the end she did not see us kissing… we were close but did not kiss. I was still worried and rightly so, because Cheeky told all about it once in the kitchen with everyone present. Mummy brushed it off completely. It would not cross her mind that something like that was be possible… Cheeky was not taken too seriously, because she was a Drama Queen.

Another time, Spider came over without announcement. She knocked the door when me and Daddy were in bed cuddling… We both jumped from bed, I put my dressing gown on, Daddy put his shorts on. He opened the door. She looked at us suspiciously, puzzled. She made a comment about it, but I just laughed it off. I think she knew. We did not talked about it. I wanted to tell her, but I did not want to be judged. She once expressed her negative opinion about things like that, which helped me make my mind up about not telling her.

Easter

Then Easter came, and the whole Family went up North to visit Mummy’s parents. I stayed, as there was not enough room for me. Me and Spider met up and drank lots of vodka and coke, she stayed over and it was a messy night. But then Daddy came earlier, before the rest of the Family under excuse he had to go back to work earlier. He did not have to. I was sitting at home alone waiting for the sound of the doors being unlocked… The doors opened and there he was, with a big smile and welcoming open arms… We spend few amazing days together, only me and him, and he made it magical. I can not remember what we did during the day, probably walked. Anyway day was only a holding stand for a night waiting to happen, as we both could not wait to get our hands on each other. We spent a couple of nights together. Of course we did not have sex. I was still a virgin and even though I had just turned 20, I was not ready. I mean, the situation was messy and I wanted it to be perfect. I never rushed to loose my virginity. So we did everything else we could, touched and kissed – all night long… in the morning and then during the day as well. For me it was magical and special enough. I always fancied older men and was a sucker for maturity. He made me feel safe, desired and treated me like a princess. No one ever made me feel the way he did. Ever before and ever again…

Sister

I confessed it all to my sister, I had a massive need to share with someone I trusted about what I was going through… She panicked, jumped on the bus from Homeland to the UK and within few days she joined me to ‘kick that shit out of my head’. She did not. I was not very good towards her at that time and I still have regrets of how I behaved. There was red wine involved and me sleeping on the bathroom floor with doors locked, which made everyone panicked and I was ashamed. I should have been more loving, caring and grateful towards my sister. Around that time London boming happened and I got her return plane ticket to go back in order to avoid going though London from Victoria on the bus.

Break up

One day in May, I found Mummy cooking in the kitchen, she was in tears… She told me, she thought about leaving Daddy and that she was not happy… Daddy told me earlier they had problems… About a year before, Mummy packed kids in the car and left. He called her in tears begging her to come back. She said they had been having problems for some time. I had to pretend I am shocked and sad for her. I was sad, just not so shocked. I gave her a hug and felt like a right cow.

One day I was watching TV, there was a program about young girls having affairs with married men. I felt sick and disgusted with myself and again scared. I decided to end it for good few times… I told Daddy I wanted to stop and it was bad what we did. Every time he convinced me otherwise… By no means I am trying to explain my actions, just saying how it was.

There was also neighbor’s wedding party in the garden, next door, The Family went to. I did not. Daddy came back in the middle of it and chased me upstairs… Another day, he waited for me outside the bathroom, as I was having a bath in the morning and no one was at home. I do not want to sound like it was all his fault, because it was not. He usually initiated… but I went and bought myself sexy pj’s because I wanted to impress him, and I did…

Mummy was loud, friendly, very strong (both personality and physique), bubbly, Northern Lass, lovely, generous and genuine with 3 kids by 2 different dads. Daddy was a posh gentleman from the South, classy, sophisticated with good job (he wore a suit for work, which I found very very attractive). Maybe those differences caused the friction in their relationship. Mummy liked partying and having friends around, while Daddy liked walks, peace and quiet. They had been together for about 5 years and the kids called him DAD.

Despite our secret affair, Mummy and Daddy tried to make their relationship work. They went for a make or break holiday together, leaving me with the kids… But it did not help. Daddy told me later they had sex on that holiday, which made me very jealous and I started controlling my feelings for him…

Daddy told me once he was ready to confess to Mummy about us, protect me and take all the responsibility. I was not ready to make such a commitment. I knew back then I was not ready to be with Daddy forever… so I told him not to do it. I was too scared of commitments but too emotionally involved to let go.

Anyway, bad times came… Mummy decided to leave Daddy in the end (not knowing about us yet). Family conference was called up to break the news to the kids, we all cried that day. It was tragic and sad – Buddy thought that Daddy was his real DAD. It broke his heart completely because them two were very close. Again my emotions were all over the place…

Mummy decided to buy a house, close to the hospital and the university so she could carry on her studies… She told me she was very sorry and it was up to me what I wanted to do next… go with her or stay with Daddy. My Au Pair contract said working for family with mum and dad and it did not predict relocation after 4 months and working for a single mum… so Mummy would understand if I wanted to leave her and find another family. That was how my fairly tale life fell apart…

Eastern European Girl in the UK

confessions

Tragy-comedy 2007-2009

Crazy Pervy Professor

Roller Coaster on a Sinking Ship

The worst day of my life II

The worst day of my life

Coming to the end of the road…

Easter on the beach

Not Such a Beautiful Town… from Heaven to Hell (and back again).

Leaving Beautiful Town…

Au Pair – Affair…II Bad Times