Sitting on my bed, thinking about the last few years I realize that my life really has been chaotic and that I really have no idea where I fit in. I suddenly become aware of the tears streaming down my cheeks and I feel silly for crying over things that I can’t change…

I feel like all this drama started when we moved to a small farming town in the Free State. I come from Johannesburg I am a full blood city girl, I have piercing’s and a tattoo. I smoke and yes sometimes I drink, but I am not a slut. I was in grade 11 when we moved here (2011) and people judged me from the start. They had no idea who I was, but they all had a lot to say. “Look there she is! The girl with the tongue ring! The one with the short shorts.” I remember hearing that, and if looks could kill I would of been dead on my first day of school. 2 months after we had moved to this small town I started dating one of the hottest guys I had ever met, Rudo(25). He was gorgeous! Tall, fit, brown hair, big brown eyes and man did he know how to make a woman want him. Needless to say my relationship with this Greek God of a man did not last, he cheated, I was insecure and naïve, but we did stay friends… Best friends at that, if there was one person who could read me like a book it was him. After Rudo and I broke up I decided to date his best friend Jakes(22), at first it was for revenge you know something between the lines of you hurt me now its time to get even, but then the unthinkable happened and I fell for Jakes, hard. We dated for 3 months and got engaged and I know your probably thinking “wow that was stupid” but at the time it didn’t feel like it. I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. I was wrong. After about 9 months Jakes lied to me about going to strip clubs and clubs with his friends… We broke up and my heart was shattered. 2 weeks after breaking up he found himself a new girlfriend and made it official on facebook. By this time I was in matric about to write my finals. After a month of heavy drinking and trying to get him back I gave up and decided that if I couldn’t get him back, I’d drink his memories away. When Jakes realized that I had given up he left his girlfriend and came straight back to me. I was thrilled, but still hurt. I had doubts about us working out and because of our huge fight and the way he hurt me my dad literally told me that I was forbidden to ever see him again. This didn’t stop me though. The first few months of seeing each other secretly was amazing. The adrenaline rush, the excitement, but that soon died off. I needed him to be around me and he wasn’t.

After matric finals I decided to visit one of my best friends Nadia who also lived in a small town 194KM away. This is where I met Jp(27), immediately I was attracted to him. He was a bad boy, blonde hair, blue eyes, and he knew he could have who ever he wanted. I was determined to make Jakes and I work so I made sure Jp and I stayed friends nothing more and nothing less… For now anyway…

A week or so after I met Jp we got to talking about the party bus in Margate and what its all about, he told me that when you get onto the party bus you get hand cuffed to a random person and you need to ‘suck face’ to get the cuffs off. Jakes had been on the party bus. I felt my heart break once more. I was sick of the lies and the secrets… It was time to get even. I told Jp that Jakes had been on the bus and that I was going to leave him, because at that stage it was my plan. Jp suggested that we go have a drink or 2 with Nadia and a few of his friends to help get my mind off of things, and so we did… It was about 3 AM when Nadia and I decided that it was time to go home after 2 bottles of vanilla vodka and 3 bottles of brandy we were all pretty drunk. Jp walked us out and before I could stop myself we were locked in this kiss. It wasn’t the kind of kiss that gave you butterflies, it was the kind of kiss that heated your skin and made you want to tear off each others clothing. “Sleep tight babe” was his last words as we drove off. I sat in the car seat thinking “did I really just do that?” And immediately the guilt consumed me…

At home Nadia and I decided that I should speak to him in the morning and tell him it was a mistake and that it could never happen again. With less alcohol in my system I could definitely do that… I think.

Waking up the next morning to a pounding headache I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and had a shower. I spent an hour there trying to working out what to say to Jp. I finally decided that I was going to tell him that I was attracted to him but that last night was a mistake and that it could never happen again… Well at least not until Jakes and I were officially over. Getting out of the shower I heard voices from the kitchen and I went to see who it was, with a towel wrapped around my hungover body and a towel on my head I stepped into the kitchen, and there he was. Smiling his brilliant smile at me he said “Hey babe! How’s the head?” How can he manage to look caring and bad boyish at the same time? I manage to mumble “Hey Jp.. Uhm its a tad sore, I don’t think the vodka and brandy worked well together…” before turning red at the thought of his lips against mine last night. Retreating to the bedroom to get dressed and gather my thoughts, I slipped into a pair of shorts and a T shirt, tied my curly wet hair into a messy bun and made my way back to the kitchen. Jp sat lazily on one of the kitchen chairs drinking a beer, “How the hell can you even manage to drink after last night?” I ask in pure astonishment I mean if he felt the way I did he would be running from alcohol. “Well you know what they say sweet cheeks a beer a day keeps the doctor away” turning a bright shade of red at the term sweet cheeks I told him that we needed to talk, privately.

Going outside for a smoke was our best bet. It was such a glorious day, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, but of course I was too hungover to really appreciate any of the beautiful scenery… Lighting my cigarette I looked over at Jp where he stood across from me, leaning against the wall with a shy smile on his face. Shy? Jp? Were my eyes deceiving me? Before I could open my mouth to say anything he knocked the wind right out of me “Shelz… Before you say anything hear me out, I really like you and the way you kissed me last night proves that you really like me too. I’ve had my heart broken before that’s why I am the way I am, but with you its different…” He looks so sincere… But I just can’t do this… Can I? “Well I really like you too” did those words really just come out of my mouth? Oh gosh this could land me in some serious trouble!! His so sexy though! He looks at me and gives me a small smile before kissing me again.”Jp wait stop and listen to me for a second… I can’t do this, not right now.. I need time to think things through…” Yes this is the right thing to do. If he really cares about me he will understand. Looking like it just rained on his parade he manages to mumble the words “Its cool, I slept with Amanda last night after you left anyway. Meats meat and a mans gotta eat right?” Without waiting for a reply or another glance in my direction he gets into his truck and drives off. Did that really just happen or am I really going crazy? I replay the scenario in my head to make sure I’m not over looking anything.

The ringing of my phone finally snaps me back to reality.
“Hello?”
“Hey baby! Just checking to make sure your okay you haven’t replied to any of my texts today. Everything okay?”
Feeling terribly guilty at the sound of Jakes’ voice I try and sound pleased.
“Oh hey my angel, yea I’m okay its just been such a hectic day I haven’t had time to look at my phone yet”
At least that wasn’t a lie.
“Don’t worry about it babe. I’m on way out anyway so ill probably only be able to speak to you tonight anyway”
Out? Where was he going?
“Oh that’s cool… Where you on your way to?”
“I’m going fishing with Rudo and his dad baby.”
“Oh well send my love to him and enjoy the trip”
“Okay babe. Love ya”
“Love ya too”
*Click*

….To be continued