random thoughts

my life and thoughts about it

The Protective Wife September 22, 2024

Filed under: married life,relationships — dana @ 5:27 am
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Maybe he’s worn off on me. Maybe it’s my tendency to be loyal to a fault. Maybe I am the way I am because of what I believe. (As a man thinks in his heart, so is he). Maybe it’s because of what we’ve been through together. 

This year, more than ever, I’ve realized how I feel protective of my husband. This protectiveness is not because he’s not strong or unable to defend himself. Quite the opposite, he is beyond capable. He’s fought and overcome more demons than most ever meet in their lifetime. 

A piece of marriage advice I received was to never “uncover” my husband. In other words: don’t share his secrets or embarrass him, but rather be his confidant and safe place. (His heart doth safely trust her). 

It is my belief that men need a refuge to run to, a place to relax and take off their armor. They need that armor out there in the world. Home is the last place a man should feel the need to suit up and protect himself. It’s been my goal in marriage to be the refuge from the storm for him. 

But this protectiveness goes even beyond that. It’s because I see the heart of the warrior that I long to run along side him, to suit up and go into battle with him. He has become accustomed to the battles of being misunderstood, falsely accused, basically believed to be something he’s not. He gave up trying years ago to convince people otherwise of the conclusions they’ve drawn for themselves. He just lets them remain in a state of not understanding him and thus, truly not knowing him. They only see the warrior and not the heart. 

That heart though. It’s the biggest and most beautiful heart. He does so many things that go unseen to those who choose to remain blind. So many acts of service and kindness and compassion. Not to mention how he walks in humility and with incomparable character and integrity. When he’s wrong, he says he’s wrong, apologizes, and actually changes the behaviors. I respect no one more than him. 

I see all this and it’s just scratching the surface. It’s an honor and a privilege to see who he is when he takes off the armor that protects him from the world. I’d follow him into war and lay down my life protecting and defending that heart. 

His heart is so similar and close to the secret heart of Jesus. Anyone would be a fool not to fully love and embrace him. It’s a miracle I get to witness and partake of every day of my life. And that is something worth defending and protecting to the death.

 

Tattoos and Judah February 11, 2024

Filed under: Uncategorized — dana @ 12:44 am
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Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not really into tattoos. Personally, I’m too fickle to do anything permanent to my body. I have 0 tattoos. Will has a lot. I always get a chuckle when people get to know me and then they meet Will some point later, especially if he’s still in work clothes. It’s always the same face and sometimes the actual comment of “oh, I wasn’t expecting that.” Haha! From the looks of us alone, it seems like the typical girl-next-door-meets-bad-boy story. And looking into our backgrounds, I suppose that’s true. At this point, he believes he’s tainted my innocence, but it’s not him. I’m just older and unfortunately a little more cynical. And he’s always had a heart of gold buried under some rough edges, so I can’t take any credit for his sweet heart and thoughtfulness.

Anyway, to the story…. When we lost Judah, we grieved very differently. I cried – a LOT. He didn’t, at least not in front of me. So the following conversation ensued (the sentiment, don’t quote me verbatim)

Me: (unfortunately in an accusatory tone) Does it even bother you that we lost the baby? You don’t seem to care. You’ve shown no emotion about it at all.

Him: Of course I care. I lost a child too. Just because you don’t see me crying doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. What do you want me to do to show you how much I care, get a tattoo? 

Me: Yes. 

Him: Ok, let’s go. 

We didn’t leave the house immediately but he drew up a tattoo (he designed all his tattoos). And the final result is what he calls the most painful tattoo ever – on his ribs. The picture is long before he started working on his dad-bod. Hehehe

There’s more meaning than I’m gonna bore you with but those are Judah’s actual tiny little footprints and in Roman numerals, the day I delivered him. 

His name is fitting of what we went through with the devastating blow of his death. We chose to praise God (Judah) even in the pain and we have never experienced such great peace (Shiloh) as we did that day. It was perfect peace that cast out all fear. 

Walking through the grief, however, is a different experience. I can’t find words to adequately describe it… I imagine those who have experienced this type of loss understand the feeling and can maybe define it better – feeling completely gutted and overtaken by an emptiness that is so vast it seems endless, but that’s the best way I can explain what I felt. Given that, what was birthed out of that experience are words forever etched into my heart that God spoke to and through the tattooed man I married: 

“It’s not what we suffer, but how we suffer, that changes us for the glory of God.”
Such true words. We all suffer. That’s coming from not only me personally, but professionally; I assure you that every single person suffers something in this life.  Make it count. Please. 

As for the “bad boy” I get to call my own, he’s a keeper, tattoos and all, even if *most* of those tattoos are ridiculous. 😉

 

Horns Up! September 24, 2023

Filed under: Christianity,family,Life — dana @ 2:46 pm

The principle of “Horns Up” is something I’m trying to instill in my 4 year old. I’ll get to that in a minute . . .

When I was a teenager (seems like a million years ago), my youth pastor’s motto was “Be strong and courageous”. This is found multiple times in the book of Joshua as well as other places in Scripture. Joshua, however, was tasked with taking the Israelites into the Promised Land. That land was an inheritance from God, but it was inhabited by giants that the Israelites needed to conquer. Thus, being strong and courageous was extremely applicable to them.

Let’s move a step in the direction of where I’m trying to go. Life is full of trials and tribulations – or storms for the sake of this principle. The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust. No one is exempt from storms. God uses these storms in our lives, but that’s not what this is about either. We have a choice of how we respond to storms. That’s my point.

I don’t claim to know anything about livestock. (I took a sharp turn there, huh?) I do know that cows respond to storms differently than buffalo. Cows aren’t crazy fast. Yet, they attempt to run away from the storm and are often overtaken by it, stuck in it, or trying to take cover somewhere til it passes. That’s an option. Buffalo on the other hand run INTO the storm. They embrace what is – that they cannot outrun the inevitable. With this wisdom, they run into the scary darkness, the thunder, the lightening, the torrential rains. And because they run into it, they are only in the storm a much shorter time, especially compared to their cow friends.

The principle I want my daughter to understand is when we say, “Horns Up”, we mean run into the storm and be strong and courageous!

 

Favorite Gift September 23, 2022

Filed under: Addiction,relationships,Therapy — dana @ 12:27 am
Tags: , , ,

Feeling sentimental and nostalgic today, so thought I’d express those feelings by writing… and what better way to write than by blog entry that I do once every few years? Journaling. Journaling is a better way to express feelings! Haha, says the therapist who journals way more inconsistently than I’d like to admit.

Anyway, sentimental nostalgia or nostalgic sentiment, is where I find myself today, thinking of my most favorite gift of all time. Honestly, the top gifts on my list of favorite gifts are ALL sentimental and of very little, if any, material value. These gifts hold the most value in my heart though. So, here it is . . .

It’s a key tag. This keychain represents someone’s first NA meeting. In AA, it’s a white chip. NA, it’s a white key tag. It’s not necessarily the first meeting, per se, but it marks 1 day clean. Let me get to why this is such a profound gift. It’s truly humbling.

I got my start in therapy working in addiction treatment – something that was never, ever on my radar, like ever. When people asked what kind of therapy I wanted to specialize in, I would say something to the effect of, “I don’t know, but not addiction.” This makes me chuckle now. Let me be clear, I still have never specialized in any type of therapy, including addiction, but I did work specifically in that field for the first five years of my career. I stayed in that particular niche of therapy because I fell in love with the population. Absolutely love recovering addicts . . . treatment centers aren’t exactly the best fit as a workplace for me though. I am still an advocate for treatment and am happy that’s an option for folks because so many people desperately need it. (None of the last part of this paragraph is pertinent to my story so I’ll just move along now).

Let me take a rabbit trail here and insert some insight into my view of myself as a therapist. Basically, I struggle with imposter syndrome. What is that you may ask? It’s basically feeling like a fraud, inadequate, like you don’t belong, contrary to evidence that proves otherwise. Let me explain my situation – I became a therapist because I literally woke up one day when I was 29 years old and had a God moment, lightbulb go off in my head saying, “I should be a therapist!” It was totally a whim. I thought, hey, everybody calls me and talks about their problems anyway, so why don’t I get paid for this? So I enrolled immediately in college to complete my Bachelor’s and then my Master’s and then insert my practicum at none other than an addiction treatment facility. From there, came two other treatment facilities before I ventured out on my own and started my own practice (also something that was never ever on my radar, like EVER, but I’ll save that story for another day).

Anyway, after practicing for 10 years as a therapist, I still often think to myself, I wonder if they’ll find out that I don’t really have any idea what I’m doing? One thing us therapists believe is that if a client keeps coming back, then they must feel it’s beneficial even if we don’t see it. I’ve been able to maintain a successful practice for the past 5 years, so I guess I’m doing something that somebody finds helpful? The biggest compliments I’ve ever received are from other therapists who seem to know what they’re doing and consider me their equal. Like, what?

Okay, back to my original story. While working at one of these treatment centers, I met a young lady, absolutely beautiful girl inside and out, and hilarious! The type of person that I’d easily be friends with any day of the week, but of course, that’s frowned upon. The therapist/ client relationship is strictly professional. Anyway, I felt like I bonded with said girl while she was in treatment for heroin addiction. She ended up coming back to that location 2 or 3 times while I worked there. I recall a couple conversations with her during those times which is odd because I met hundreds of people and had thousands of conversations, but I also have a pretty decent memory . . . just ask my husband. hehehe

I didn’t think much of the conversations at the time, other than me trying to encourage her. Her personality seemed bigger than life and her smile could light up a room. She had so much to offer this world, but this world had been unkind to her, like it has to many of us – some more than others. I remember begging her to please not come back, not to the treatment center specifically, but to please try to see in herself what was there, behind the beaten down eyes and not return to the addiction that was trying to snuff out that light she carried (not in those words exactly, but that’s the sentiment).

That was it for a while. Rarely, if ever, do we find out what happens to clients after they walk out the door. I often thought of her, and prayed for her. Eventually, I did something I literally never do outside of this instance, and we connected on social media (after the appropriate 2 years of no interaction after the professional relationship has ended per all decent therapist’s code of ethics).

We’ve only met up a couple times in person as we live in different states, but the first time we met and had dinner, she pulled something out of her pocket as we said our goodbyes. She handed it to me and said, “I want you to have this. It’s my last first white key tag.” She had over a year clean at that time. She’s remained sober ever since and has YEARS under her belt at this point. She even has her own family now. It really was her very last white key tag. I don’t know how many she had collected over the years, but she knew it was her last and she wanted me to have it. Never in my life have I felt more humbled and undeserving. Sure, I have the imposter syndrome thing, but this was even deeper.

The last time I’d seen her in the treatment center was not her last attempt at sobriety. The monster of addiction seduced her and she spent more time enslaved to that devil. Honestly, she says she never thought she’d live to see the age of 25, much less have a life she actually wants to live, surrounded by people who love her, and be willing to receive that love. Anyway, she had gone to other treatment centers and other therapists she could cite that helped her along her journey to recovery, but I of all people received the last white key tag?? Makes no logical sense to me. She couldn’t recall conversations we had or really the why other than this statement, “You believed in me even when I couldn’t.” I suppose that saying is true that people don’t remember what you said as much as how you made them feel.

So here I am, holding onto this most treasured of all my earthly possessions (save Judah’s urn), knowing it holds more value about who I am and the impact I made in one person’s life than all the money in the world . . . a key tag. My favorite client (turned friend)’s LAST white key tag. And I don’t deserve it. But I am forever grateful.

 

Where do the strong people go? November 17, 2020

Filed under: Uncategorized — dana @ 1:14 pm

Do you consider yourself strong? or weak? Both depending on the day and time? Me too.

However, regardless of how I feel or what I think of myself, if I just look at the evidence, I am a strong one. I’m the go-to person for all things emotional support. I am a therapist after all. People literally pay me to walk with them in the darkest places of their lives, so why wouldn’t friends and family take advantage of that service for free? They do because they’re smart people! Haha!

A few recent conversations have alerted me to the fact that there are a number of people who reach out to me when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on or help sorting through some mental health or grief stuff. That’s my gift and calling so I’m happy to be that person. It does become wearisome and a tiny bit lonesome to think that these same people are probably available, but unable to return the same service for me. I think they would try if I would reach out with my own basket of needs. But I don’t . . .

I’m reserved with where I go for support. That’s okay. There’s several Scriptures that could support my thought process on this (don’t cast pearls before swine, guard your heart; for out of it flow the wellsprings of life, etc). I go to people who know how to be there. By be there, I don’t mean just available, but available to listen without trying to give advice or circle back around to all their issues. The very few I have in my corner to turn to allow me to express my heart, to fall apart, to have a moment, to be human, to be ‘weak’.

So I just pose the question to you – when you reach out to someone to be that rock for you, have you considered where they go for a drink of water when they need one? Is it you? Is it reciprocal? If not, maybe pray for them that they do have their own rock to go to. We all have our moments of feeling weak – even the strongest of the strong.

 

Parental Encouragement August 27, 2018

Filed under: Christianity,family — dana @ 7:35 pm

This picture just melts my heart. It’s my husband and his brother as “youngins”, listening to their Granny tell Bible stories using a felt board. This is probably one of my husband’s fondest childhood memories. If you ask him about it, he’ll go on and on telling you how much he loved these stories with his Granny.

 

This picture speaks volumes to me about Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.  Both these little guys grew and went their own ways. Their stories are their own to tell, but I will say they have come full circle. Now, they are both continuously sitting under the Word of God and love learning all the intricacies, interpretations, and revelations of every story throughout the Bible.

I just wanted to take a moment to encourage all the parents out there who have little ones. You’re on the battlefield day in and day out to raise up your children to be godly people, decent citizens, kind humans. They may leave your home and depart from what they were taught. That’s their choice. However, you, sweet parent, have a promise from God Himself! You have a promise that if you raised your children in the way they should go, they will return to that training you desperately tried to give to them. (Jeremiah 6:16)

I know you may feel discouraged and defeated at times. You’re only human. You will fail your children some days. That’s a given. However, God has a provision for your failure. He has given you HIS promises! (Romans 8:28)

Be encouraged! If God can bring my husband full circle from this sweet, innocent child through his own prodigal son experience (Luke 15) back to a place, where in his heart he is this little boy soaking up everything he can regarding the Word of God; then He can do the same for your children. Stay the course and fight the good fight of faith (2 Timothy 4:7). His Word will not fall void, but it will accomplish that purpose for which He sent it (Isaiah 55:11).

Be strong and courageous! (Deuteronomy 31:6)
His plan for you and your children is for a good end! (Jeremiah 29:11)
He will never leave you nor forsake you! (Hebrews 13:5)
He will finish the work He started!! (Philippians 1:6)

 

A Christmas Miracle December 21, 2017

Filed under: Christianity,family,Life — dana @ 11:11 pm

This Christmas miracle is at least two-fold. There’s the obvious financial blessing, but it goes much deeper than that. Maybe a better way of explaining it would be a multi-layered blessing or miracle if you will.

Let’s go back to before we got pregnant. Some of this story may be repetitive from previous posts, but it’s relevant to the miracle that took place. So before we ever conceived, I was okay with not having children. I wanted them, but was okay if it didn’t happen. Then we did conceive and our son was stillborn at 6 months gestation. The Lord gives and takes away. So be it. I can accept that. However, something in me had awoken… or awaken – which is the correct grammar here? Anyway, I had a glimpse, a taste, of the love a mother feels for her child. It was like trying an addictive something or other and I wanted more. I still do. That feeling of being okay if we don’t have kids no longer existed. Wanting children became my heart’s cry.

Here we are, close to two years since we lost our son. I’ve had a couple words spoken over me recently. Both were something to the tune of, “everything I’ve been through has prepared me for the people God is sending me to so I can minister out of a place of knowing and brokenness.” In all honesty, I add a whole new meaning to first the natural, then the spiritual. My flesh screams out & reacts while my spirit remains calm & soaks things in for a while before responding. So when I received said words, my flesh immediately scoffed, “Screw those people! I want my baby back!!” Yeah, I know. Not my proudest moment. But God knows the intents of the heart and He knows I always choose Him (His will) above anything else in this world. So I’ve been dealing with trying to accept the possibility that maybe having children just isn’t in the cards for us. Maybe God wants us free to be able to do other things in a different capacity.

We’ve tried every wives tale and had every fertility test imaginable. Doctors say there’s no reason why we can’t conceive. My age doesn’t help. My eggs are getting dusty apparently. 🙂 I’ve been in a place recently where I’ve been incredibly discouraged and have had only a glimmer of hope as it relates to having children, completely dependent on the prayers of others. I couldn’t be more grateful for that actually. I can’t even count the number of people I know who are praying for us, believing God to give us the desire of our hearts. I had even considered that maybe God’s promises don’t apply to me and thought maybe His promises are for most, but not all. I’ve quoted every Scripture I could find to remind God about the blessing of children. Clearly, that didn’t work. So I kind of just gave up, hung my head, and walked away from trying to conceive. Yet, in my spirit, still holding on to that one minuscule fiber of hope.

Yesterday, my mom told me she was in Home Depot when some random old guy struck up a conversation with her. His name was Lionel. He asked if she had grandchildren and she told him that her daughter lost a baby almost 2 years ago. He began to tell her that 8 is the number of new beginnings and next year is going to be our new beginning. He promised to be praying for us to have a baby in 2018. He quoted Scriptures about the inheritance of children. This sounded like a wonderful conversation that I wish I could’ve overheard. I told my mom I receive everything this Lionel person said.

Probably around the same time, unbeknownst to me, an angel on earth was doing the most kind act of love for me. When I left my mom’s house and came home, I finally checked the messages on my phone. One was from an acupuncture clinic. I’ve heard miraculous stories of how people claim acupuncture helped with fertility. I’ve always wanted to try it, but we just don’t have the funds. Again, this adds to the plethora of reasons why I’ve been so discouraged. We can’t afford hardly any fertility treatment options. Anyway, this message stated that someone, an anonymous someone, donated three months worth of unlimited acupuncture sessions for me. 3 months – unlimited. Do y’all know how much that costs? More than I could afford. This news immediately caused the dam to break and the floodgates to open. I burst into tears and thanked God repetitively. I called my husband when I could gather my composure, but it wasn’t well enough, because he thought someone died due to my excessive crying.

Of course, this financial blessing allows me to participate in a treatment that otherwise would’ve been impossible. That’s the first part of my Christmas miracle. That’s enough in and of itself. The underlying blessing is that God instantaneously ignited that hope that was all but burned out. I believe He led me to walk away from the stress and even the idol of having children. I also believe He is a God of miracles and He wanted to show me, again for the gazillionth time, how much He loves me. He used a person, an insanely generous and selfless person, to remind me that He hasn’t forgotten about me. He does answer prayers and the desires of our hearts. He is a God of His promises. He’s not a man that He should lie.

Maybe acupuncture won’t work, but I have hope. I’m willing to try it. I have renewed faith in my God. I choose to cling to His promises and believe that He will bring forth my Isaac. I don’t know what that’s gonna look like. I don’t know how He’s going to do it. My Isaac may not be a child. Maybe it’ll be spiritual children one day when we are in the ministry. I don’t know. But I do know God gave me a Christmas miracle. He gave me hope and a renewed confidence in His love for me.

And many many thanks to the person who did this for me. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude. You have no idea how much your gift has changed my life, my heart, and my outlook. I hope you see this, whoever you are. 🙂

 

In all honesty . . . November 25, 2017

Filed under: family,relationships — dana @ 10:37 am

When thinking about what I wanted to say at the Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws, this is what came to me, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” In all honesty, I can’t say that sentiment is true for me 100% of the time. I want it to be true. I believe it is true. Some days, however, it’s the furthermost thing from my truth.

In all honesty, there are times when I think my journey would be so much easier had I never gotten pregnant. I didn’t know what I was missing. I wanted children, but it wasn’t the biggest focal point of my life, even though it took years to get pregnant. I loved being pregnant. There were many things I didn’t like about it, mostly all physical, but I loved knowing I was going to be a mother. I loved knowing God had allowed the love between my husband and I to create life, a life that was equal parts him and me. I was excited to meet this little person and learn what his personality would be like. I was full of anticipation and wonderment.

After pregnancy loss, those hopes, dreams, and wishes came to a screeching halt. Now, I have memories of delivering my stillborn son. I have wavering faith about the possibility of getting pregnant again. I have tasted motherhood and grieve the loss of that dream. God can do miracles. I believe that with all my heart. I told a friend today, however, that I’m dependent on the prayers and faith of others at this point, when it comes to us conceiving, that is.

Anyway, I struggle with the sentiment I began with. . . Is it better to have loved and lost? I definitely have found that true in regards to all the people I’ve loved and lost in my lifetime, but is it true in regards to having brushed up against a dream just to watch it wither away? Maybe. I think so. Maybe not yet. Most days, yes. I can say this, for sure; I find peace in knowing hubs and I have a son in Heaven that we will meet someday.

In all honesty, I am grateful to have experienced pregnancy and to have a son. In all honesty, it hurts pretty bad not having him here with us. In all honesty, it really is probably better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I love you, sweet boy . . . in the only baby bump picture we took.

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Infertility at its Finest September 28, 2017

Filed under: Christianity,family — dana @ 2:15 pm

You know, I do y’all a favor by only writing on good days. If I wrote in my worst moments (which I do in my journal, but not publicly), you’d probably want to slit your wrists and then go jump off a bridge! Okay, so that’s a little dramatic, but I am trying to drive the point home that this is not easy, not nearly as easy and as light-hearted as I may make it seem.

I wanted to include you into a little taste of infertility, especially those of you who have had the blessing of not having this particular struggle in your life. Infertility is definitely one of those things I never thought about and assumed would never happen to me. When my husband and I agreed it was time for children to join our family, we assumed we would get pregnant within 3 months. I laugh at my naivety, now over 5 years later.

The first 3 years were fairly easy. I was younger (mid-30’s) and had faith that God would give us children in His perfect timing. I also had come to the conclusion that if God chose not to give us children, then he had something different for us to do, some kind of different calling where it would be easier to serve without children. I was totally okay with that. And then it happened . . . we got pregnant!!

This pregnancy was finally God giving us an answer to the question of whether or not we were meant to have children. It was His perfect timing as we got pregnant without any hormones or special treatments. We had gotten checked out about a year before we conceived. Both of us were completely normal with all the preliminary testing so we didn’t seek additional help with fertility issues. Those results were just confirmation that we were waiting on God. It was completely up to Him. It still is, but I have SOOOO many more thoughts on the issue at this point, which I’ll share with you. 🙂

That first and only pregnancy left us devastated. Our son was stillborn at 24 weeks. Again, not something I ever considered would happen to me. I was at peace and not concerned about the pregnancy at all. We were blind-sided. Please “hear my heart” as a dear friend always said and know that I am in no way belittling anyone else’s experience with child loss, namely miscarriage and stillbirths. Loss is loss is loss. Each lost child is grieved over by parents, regardless of infertility or not. I can only speak from my experience. I cannot imagine what it must be like for mothers who have lost a pregnancy and still had to care for and nurture their little people while grieving. I also know what it’s like from my point of view, having no children at all to hold and cuddle and love. I’ve spoken with many mothers who have lost other children and know that in no way, shape, or form do the children they have make up for the one(s) lost. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I feel a pang or twinge of jealousy though. I feel that infertility on top of child loss is a double-whammy or that the knife that’s already in the gut is being twisted. There’s the looming emptiness of the grief compiled with the unfulfilled desire to have a child. Constantly looking at the calendar, counting days, taking medicines, getting blood drawn, the innumerable negative pregnancy tests, the constant reminders every time you see a pregnant woman, baby commercials, or walking past the baby section in the store. This isn’t a pity party, just sharing my perspective of the pain I challenge daily. As I’ve said before, I refuse to let the pain win. I’ll feel it. I’ll cry through it. But it WILL NOT define me. I choose gratefulness and laughter in my life.

Anyway, back to my thoughts on God’s timing and children and fertility. After being pregnant, something had been awakened in me. The blase’ desire I had before of wanting children, but being totally content if it didn’t happen, was completely gone. Now, I long for, desire with my whole being, and crave being a mother and having children. I’ve struggled between these two schools of thought: 1) Hold onto the promise of children and have faith that God will give us children in His timing or 2) Let it go, forget about it, and accept that God has a different calling for us. Most people try to encourage me and lean toward the first school of thought. Oh and before I forget, yes we are aware of and have considered adoption, but we’re not quite there yet for a number of reasons. However, that’s totally on the table in the future.

I wanted to shed a little light on the second school of thought though. Remember Job? My heart’s desire is to be able to say, when everything in life is stripped from me, all my hopes, dreams, desires, etc. that God is a Sovereign God. He gives. He takes away. And I will always choose to bless His holy name. This is a perfect example and opportunity to do so. When Hannah was barren and distraught over it, her husband said “Am I not more to you than 10 sons?” I hear Jesus asking me that question. If I was forced to choose between the two, Jesus or children, I’d choose Jesus. I believe I would anyway. I know my husband would. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t in any way feel like God is asking me to choose, I’m just trying to say that God’s will is more important to me than my desire for children. Some people say God gave me the desire for children while others say that desire is innate in women. I dunno. I just know that desire is there and it is strong!

My first annual checkup with my GYN after we lost Judah (our son), my doctor gave me a referral to a fertility specialist because we had not conceived again and my age is not in my favor. Did you know it’s the eggs that go bad? Apparently my womb (any woman’s womb) can carry a child no matter the age, but it’s the eggs that stop working. That’s one of many interesting facts I’ve learned since we’ve begun seeing the fertility specialist. It’s a door we’re knocking on. If God chooses to open it, then hallelujah! If He chooses to keep it shut, then we’ll start knocking on other doors until we find the one He has for us.

One last thing I wanted to include is a couple of embarrassing yet realistic pictures. I never would’ve thought of this had a friend of mine not sent me a picture of her when she went through this same battery of tests. She looked much cuter though because she actually takes time to put on makeup and look decent when she leaves the house while I could probably be in a people of Wal-Mart video. hehehehe. The only difference is that they made her wear a cafeteria lady hair net and a radiation vest. Anyway, this is probably the most uncomfortable, vulnerable position for a woman to be in. Sterile, cold, being poked and prodded. What you can’t see is that my legs are strapped down so I couldn’t get off that table even if I wanted to! The things we go through for our children, even the ones who aren’t born yet.

 

My Cup September 23, 2017

Filed under: Christianity,Life — dana @ 11:57 am

You know the common expression, “the hand that was dealt”? This is a similar concept, but more specific to our relationship with God and what He gifts to us. I apologize if you were hoping this was about coffee, because sadly (or very happily if you detest coffee as I do) this is not about coffee.

I find it interesting that I’m writing this today, on a good day, because the subject matter could be described as gloomy or discouraging and I am anything but those things today. Like I said, it’s a good day. 🙂 Recently, I’ve been going through my own version of a storm or just having a difficult time with some circumstances around me. It’s one of those situations that is definitely out of my control. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m writing this now, more toward the end of this flare up, and I believe I’ve found a place of peace and acceptance with it … although, that doesn’t necessarily mean I like it. But that’s the whole point of this subject matter. If I haven’t lost you already with my meanderings, I’ll get to a point now.

If you’re anything like me, maybe you find yourself pressing into God more than usual when these storms or circumstances arise. So that’s been the case, especially this past week or so. I was reading my Bible one morning and then BOOM, out of nowhere, God opened this verse to me in a different light than I’ve seen it before: Jesus commanded Peter, “Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?” (John 18:11). Allow me to offer a little bit of background info or context which most are already familiar with, but I want to be thorough.

Jesus knew he would be crucified soon. He had already prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane for God to please let “this cup” pass from Him. In other words, if there was any other way to save mankind, Jesus was asking God to go that route instead, but in His perfect obedience, Jesus wanted God’s will to be done above what Jesus wanted for Himself. See Matthew 26:36-46. So here we are when the officials and soldiers came to arrest Jesus and Peter isn’t having it. He draws his sword and cuts off the ear of one of the high priest’s servants which warrants the response from Jesus, “Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”

Now that we’re all caught up, let me explain how this applied to me in the moment, in the midst of my own personal pain and agony. In that “aha” moment, I realized I needed to not be angry or bitter toward or about my circumstances. I needed to “put my sword away” and release any resentments I may have had regarding my situation. That was only the first part, which would seem like common sense since we’re called to walk in forgiveness and always have a pure heart. News flash, I’m still a work in progress so sometimes resentments and impurities slip into my heart, but I do try to eliminate these sins as soon as the Lord reveals them to me.

The second part of what Jesus said is what hit me like a ton of bricks. “Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?” People who know me know I love a good, thick milkshake or a nice, cold Dr. Pepper. Well let me tell ya – Jesus did not give me a delicious milkshake or a refreshing Dr. Pepper in my cup! How rude, right? What’s in my cup during this season is some kind of wheat grass, whey, kale, mixture of complete disgust and nastiness. That’s what Jesus put in my cup. Blech! I can almost imagine His mixture of emotions in giving me this cup, like any good parent who wants their children to eat healthy; you feel good for doing the right thing, yet you hate to see your child unhappy, and then you think “but they’ll be so much better off with the nutrients”, “why do they have to complain so much, it’s like 2 minutes of grossness?!”, etc.

My belief is that God allows these uncomfortable situations in order that we grow up into healthy examples of His unconditional love, acceptance, grace, and mercy. These are concepts I know best by experiencing them. Experience is a form of action. Of course, I prefer to be on the receiving end, but we’re called to give these godly qualities to those around us. That’s no fun when the last emotion that bubbles up is kindness when you’re drowning in pain. My point is that I began to see my storm, my circumstances, as the cup my Father has given me. It is a GIFT. He’s not trying to make me hurt and doesn’t want me to suffer, but He does want me to grow and mature and be an example in the earth today. He wants me to just drink the stinkin wheat grass, whey, kale mess! If He didn’t allow Jesus to throw the cup to the side and drink what He wanted, then I’m not off the hook either. The bottom line is that it has absolutely nothing to do with what I want and everything to do with what God wants. This is the gift He’s giving to me, so I’m going to darn well be grateful.

I’m just gonna throw some supporting Scriptures and favorite quotes at you:

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:17-18 . . . hint hint, we share in His sufferings so He can accomplish something in us.

Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? Genesis 18:25

“God allows in His wisdom what He could prevent in His power.” – ‘Uncle Arthur’ Burt

“Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay. Love isn’t love til you give it away.” – I have no idea. It’s on a plaque that’s been in my mom’s house my whole life.

“Not my will, but Thine be done.” Matthew 26:39

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism  CUP, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. – page 417, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” – from the Serenity Prayer

“We can trust God’s heart when we don’t understand His ways.” – I say it all the time but don’t know where I heard it first.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11

And we know that in ALL THINGS (including my cup) God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

I could go on and on with these as I LOVE quotes and there are so many Scriptures to support this train of thought, but I digress. My husband brought up an interesting point when I was talking to him about this tiny nugget of revelation. He noted how we either deprive ourselves or others of the necessary process we need to go through in order to learn and grow by trying to rescue them or take the cup away that God has given. Peter was trying to rescue Jesus from that cup. I’m so incredibly grateful and indebted that Jesus accepted the cup that was given to Him. I’m learning to accept my cup with more grace and determination as He did. I just cannot express enough how comforted I am in this process to know God is giving me something that is ultimately for His glory!!

Side note: Can’t say I’d complain if God sent a milkshake right about now. 🙂

 

 
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