Posted in Life | 1 Comment »
So, my whole life is moving in this wonderful forward direction, and I never really know what to say about it all, because so many people know about this blog and I fear they will be disrespectful to myself and those I love if I disclose here.
To those of you who know my love, feel it now. And know that I am moving into a new state of be-ing. And that I hope to be blogging again very soon. I love you all.
And know that, on April 21st at 8am, I will officially be Sara Blackthorne. And that is the best feeling in the whole world.
Posted in Life | 3 Comments »
I moved. Well, aside from 300+ pounds of books and some other miscellany, I’ve moved. So if you had my address before, you don’t have it now. I don’t have much, at least by way of household things, but I’m working on it. And I’m hoping to have dishes and stuff soon.
But I’m riding the bus to and from work. And I think once I get into the swing of riding, I can start journaling and knitting on the bus, and then I might actually figure out who I am and what I want. I’m not ready for graduate school. It’s not that I couldn’t do it intellectually, I think I just want more experience in the editing/publishing world first. I don’t know. I’m searching my soul for the answers, and all I’m coming up with is silence.
Which might not be all bad.
Posted in Life, Magick, Writing | 5 Comments »
So, I’m feeling like a complete and total geek right now. See, I haven’t had a cell phone in over a year, and I’m getting ready to move this week/end, and so I needed a phone pretty desperately. I went to the Sprint store and searched around for a bit, and found a phone I really liked. It happened to be the same phone that Raven really wanted, and she was eligible for an upgrade, so we talked about it, and both decided to get one.
Well, of course only two places in MadTown have it, and we call around and try to get all the best deals and figure out how to make it work financially, and so we head to the other side of town this evening, in a snow storm, to get new phones.
And we managed to get two new phones, a new phone contract for me, two car chargers, and two Bluetooth headsets for about $100. Total.
And my new phone, it totally kicks ass.
Wanna see?
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These days I’m an emotional screwball. The slightest thing seems to upset me, bring me to tears, make feel crazy inside. I know I’m getting close to bleeding, but this is completely over-the-top hypersensitivity.
And the worst part is, I try to tell those around me, and it doesn’t seem to matter.
A fourteen-year-old brings me to tears and a feeling of absolute stupidity when I am just trying to learn something new.
I looked at another apartment today. It’s a true studio, dingy, basement, pretty yuck, but it’s about the most I can afford. And, I can always look to find work in the area, since it is pretty near a few business districts, and I don’t have to stay at the Boston Store forever. I mean really, it isn’t the best, either.
There is a place in the nearby neighborhood looking for a part-time receptionist. Maybe I could make it work to both for a while, in order to find enough to get along.
Everything just feels so crazy insane and wacko. I want to be like Frida, making a difference, living a gypsy life. And it’s funny, because I know that I don’t know Frida at all (and she most likely doesn’t know me), and so even though I’ve gleaned from her blog that there are troubles in the life of a humanitarian worker, I still am humbled and awed by the work she does. Making a difference in the world.
There is a boy in the dining room angry with his camera, and Raven trying to help him, and I’m just too fragile for 14-year-old hormones to handle it all. I want to curl up in the darkness with a cup of tea and be still, be silent, be humble until I melt into the snow which keeps falling out my window and drift on the wind in nothing.
This life, this round of lessons of learning, I just don’t seem to be getting things. I wish I could be still for long enough to find my heart, my center, the wisdom inside me, and move from that place of peace.
I want to know peace. Please.
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Posted in Life, Magick | 1 Comment »
There is a kind of sleety-snow falling outside, raining sideways against the window, wet enough to run down the drainpipe outside the porch. I hear it rattling, like ice in a shaker, as it tumbles in spirals through the corrugated tin. My parents have the same gutters, ridged and rusty from years of wet springs and snowy AutumnWinters. The major downspout lived outside my window, at the corner near the head of my bed, and I spent hours not sleeping, listening to the tumultuous thunderstorms through that tiny tube of tin.
I always listened to the rain alone.
Lately I’ve been feeling those nights of raindrops and stormsounds and remembering how it feels. I’m transitioning again, by choice or by making, and I’m stuck in this alone-ness and unknowing. I watch a squirrel scamper across the greenspace in this almost-former backyard and I wonder if s/he has a nest somewhere, a place to go home to, a family waiting. The kittens frantic over the catnip bunny, fighting it and each other for possession of an ear, a tail, a sniff, a lick.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset over being by myself, without a place to go, for Thanksgiving. Sure, I’ll admit it sucks, because I’m a very social person and I like the company of others. And yeah, when I hear others talking about their plans I dread the moment I am asked, “So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?” because there is a look of pity and something I cannot name when I say “I’m staying home alone with my cats. I might knit, or bake, or read four books. I’ll sleep in late and go to bed very early. I have no other place to go.”
I don’t want to go to Northern Minnesota, to spend another holiday crammed at the kid’s table, or in silent conversation with my family about nothing I am or will be. I don’t want to hitchhike to Michigan, to sit at a table with family I once knew well but feel disconnected from like wires that misfire and synapses shut down.
I like sitting at the computer, peeking around the corner to watch a kitten pop his head up from inside the laundry hamper. I don’t mind the dirty dishes of my own making, the fact that I want some cheese but can’t afford it so I crave it and do nothing, the emails I get with prices too high for my retail budget and having to reply, thanks but I can’t right now, I appreciate the information, it’s outside my budget in this now.
I might go out later today. I saved some quarters from my last paycheck and there is the best chiya tea at the Nepalese place. I know it isn’t more than I have saved, and I might even get a cup of dal to go. The usual server is a very sweet womyn, and I always have the best time when I go there.
But tonight, and tomorrow, it’s me, Franklin, Scatha, and a whole lot of books, yarn, baking, movies, and quiet. I’ve been home one-and-a-half hours and have yet to turn on sound. Those of you who know me remember my studying to the Pretenders and Heart.
I shouldn’t have gone looking for links. So much for the silence.
But there is still that thick, heavy rain.
And I am still alone.
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Don’t hate me for posting something about sheep. I love them!
Posted in Knitting, Life, Music | 1 Comment »
Do you remember that TV show? People were crazy about it. I mean, it was doomed to end. How long could you keep people stranded on an island? That was a huge plane. Of course someone would noticed it was missing. Anyway.
I’m lost.
Completely and totally, utterly lost. I mean, I’m not even sure which way is up these days. I spent eight hours of my day at a meaningless job, doing pointless crap, and all I could think at the end of it was, “What a waste of a day. How many other things could I have done today that would have mattered?” It’s not a good thing when I start plotting what I could have done instead. That tells me I’m really, really lost.
I’ll be honest. I am in a really difficult, really crappy situation right now. I have to find a new place to live. By the 30th of November. It’s not something I was looking forward to, and it’s not something I even anticipated in the first place. I wasn’t expecting to look until January at the earliest. Blind faith, I guess. Or deep-seated, misplaced trust. I’m not sure which.
Last week I got paid. $474.48 for two weeks of work, including two days of vacation pay. Not much to live on. I can’t even find a place to live for that amount. I’ve been working on remedying the job situation for some time, but I’m very limited with my transportation. I’d like to find a job waitressing at night, because then I could pull some extra in tips and stuff, but when you don’t have a car and the bus doesn’t run that late, it makes it difficult. And I don’t even have a way to go looking for waitressing jobs.
So, now I’m feeling really stuck, like I can’t unglue my feet from my forehead, and all I want to do is disappear. Like, if I had a car I would pack up as much crap as I could fit and my kitten and lots of warm blankets (it is swiftly becoming winter here) and just drive. Drive until I couldn’t see right, then pull over to sleep and drive again when I wake up. I know of a truck stop in Beach, ND with friendly people and clean, warm showers. I could stop there to wash up. I mean, it doesn’t matter where I go, where I end up. I just want to be gone.
I’ve had to start thinking about which books I can bear to sell in order to raise money. I’ve had to start thinking about which clothes still have the tags on that I could return, and which I could sell on craigslist to earn some cash.
And then I have to decide: do I use the money to eat, or save it for a place to live? If I don’t eat, I don’t live, and then the saving is pretty much useless.
If you truly loved me, you would try to understand. It is not like I want this, either. I’m just a scared little girl in a big scary world and I just want you to hold my hand.
So, I guess I’m confessing my reality. I am in a really sticky spot, without much clarity of vision or ability to see my options. If you have any clearer vision, please let me know where to put my foot next.
Posted in Life | 4 Comments »
Many of you know I work in retail, namely in a department store somewhere between Macy’s and JCPenney’s. Not totally upscale, but not super cheap, either. Some days are much busier than others. On the days that are less busy, I’m able to provide somewhat “better” (by that I mean more focused, detailed, attentive) customer service to customers in my fairly small plus-size clothing department.
Last week Tuesday, a woman came in with her two daughters. Her husband had recently crossed, and she needed some new clothing after losing a large amount of weight and deciding not to wear sweatpants every day. So, in they came, looking around, checking out different colors and styles. I paid attention to them, providing what help I could, answering questions when I could. When they completed their shopping, I wanted to let them know that, if they were able, they could come back on Wednesday and save an additional 20% on everything for a special sale. I went through and tallied everything, the price Tuesday and the price (with the discount) on Wednesday. It was a rather significant difference, over $100 would be saved. They agreed that was a much better idea, and I put everything on hold for them overnight.
When they came back on Wednesday, they tried on a few things more and added some more items to their purchase. I calculated the new total, and shared it with them. Just under $200, they saved almost as much as they spent, and the mother went home with nearly an entire new wardrobe. Both daughters expressed their gratitude for helping find the right things, as well as letting them know about the sales and the special savings. Now, these were not ill-dressed womyn. I mean, they had serious fashion sense. So it was a really nice compliment.
Flash forward to this morning, a week after the initial visit, and I get a phone call. The more-financially-involved daughter is on the phone, telling me how grateful she was for my assistance and “stellar” customer service, and commenting on sharp I was and how well I knew my department and how on top of things I was. She then asked if I had considered looking “to do something other than what I am doing now.” The implication was, have you considered looking for another job? She wanted to have a meeting with me to determine if things would be compatible for the possibility of working at her office, an office of Primerica Financial Services. Right, I know. Like, this could be a real solution to some of my recent troubles.
So, 5pm (Central Time) on Thursday, I’m having a business meeting with this womyn. We’ll find out about compatibility, and maybe there’s a job waiting for me there.
If you’ve got a spare, send a good thought my way. After a recent string of non-interviews, I can use all the help I can get.
Posted in Life, Magick | 6 Comments »
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