nopti in mintea mea

Recunosc, unul din beneficiile avansarii in varsta e lipsa surprizelor. E cred al doilea an in care nu pot sa exprim daca anul care a trecut a fost bun sau rau (eventual a fost greu, sau lung), in plus, nici nu mai nutresc sperante ca anul viitor sa fie „mai bun”. Sper, doar, sa fie la fel de lipsit de surprize 🙂

Dorinte… alea obisnuite. Sanatate, mai multi clienti, sa slabesc, sa citesc, sa ma plimb.

I love books. I like to looks at books, whether they’re sitting in piles, or thrown away on a chair, torn apart, under the bed, on a beach, I really think that books are the most beautiful objects in our lives. Inside and out. I never had the money to buy all the books that I wanted, nor had I the time to read them all. I love libraries, the smell of old books and the smell of new books. I like starting books, reading a few pages, knowing I will love that book and see there are still hundreds of pages to read. That feeling is amazing.

I love „bad” weather. From a slight fog and light rain to blizzards and hurricanes. I love to see the weather getting all crazy and showing us how little control we have. And I hate people who complain about weather, who call it „ugly” and „bad”. There’s no BAD weather.

I love trains and airplanes (even if travelling by them gets me very anxious). But I love them. Oh how impersonal they are, just moving us from here to there, not caring about our feelings. Always going, no matter what. With or without you, baby, I’m going places. You ‘coming or what? No? Fuck you, I’m going!

I really, really love cats. And wolves. And owls.

I live my life with my eyes closed. I prefer it that way.

The life I live with my eyes closed is a normal, regular life. I work, I have a family, I make plans like everybody else. I plan for my retirement, I plan to preserve the relationship with my husband and I pretend I have a plan about raising my child. I plan to move to a country with a milder weather, somewhere near the sea. I plan to develop professionally, to maybe write professional books someday. I plan to be a person that anybody can understand and relate to. I plan to travel and be surrounded by nice things, to be safe, to take good care of my health etc.

But every once in a while my eyes open and I have one of those moments when I realize I’ve successfully built a character in a story that I brought myself to believe. I look and my husband and my child and I see strangers that kind of happened to me; I feel that, professionally, I am fraud. Most of my relationships are fake,  because the one that’s in them is that character. When my eyes are open, I feel totally disconnected with my everyday living, with all my actions. I do things and while doing them I see I am not the person doing them, somehow it’s just my body wandering around and my mouth saying the words and my feet taking me places like they have a mind on their on, but not my mind All the while, my mind sits in some sort of stupor watching everything that’s going on, having no control.

When my eyes are open I know I am almost completely alone. Maybe this is just the way it is for everybody, at some point you must start behaving like an adult, like a person who knows what it’s doing.

Of course I’m just rumbling: after years and years spent building this character I wouldn’t know hot to do things any different. But my question is: did I, at some point, decide to become this person I can’t relate to, and was it never anybody there at all, and faking it was the only option?

I still remember the day, when I was around 8 or nine years old, when I decided to just disappear. Not physically, of course: I decided to be a dead man living That way, nothing could hurt me, right? What if I never went back on that decision?

This is not a case of deciding that that’s is, I’ll stop pretending and go back to whoever I was, or I really am. I am not really anybody. I’ll keep working on this character, because frankly thing didn’t turn out that bad for me. It was a good call and I enjoy my life… and my plans and everything.

It’s just the days when I really see the hollow inside me that are scary. The days I ask myself: what am I doing,who are these people.

Or, hopefully, the character will become so specialized that I will forever be able to keep my eyes shut. Well that’s something worth working on.

– E ceva foarte ciudat, cand o visez, sau cand o vad in fata ochilor, dar intotdeauna, fumeaza.

– Asta e ciudat…?

– Da, se lasase de fumat de vreo 6 ani. S-a chinuit mult sa se lase, era o victorie, o mare reusita – cred totusi ca la un moment dat reincepuse sa fumeze dar m-am facut ca nu stiu. Apoi s-a lasat… am uitat.

– Deci ai ales sa n-o confrunti.

– Da, trecea printr-o perioada nasoala rau. Si macar stiam ca, ferindu-se de mine, fumeaza ma putin.

– Te deranja ca fuma?

– Da, uram fumatul. De gura mea se lasesa, in primul rand.

– Inteleg.

– Da, si acum de cate ori o visez sau mi-o imaginez… fumeaza. Se uita la mine, tace… mai trage un fum. Si nu ma deranjeaza. Din contra, mi se pare ca o vad chiar asa cum era, fumatoare, stiu ca se lasase pentru ca ma deranja pe mine, o deranja pe Anto, dar ea ramasese in esenta ei fumatoare, si eu privesc ca atunci cand eram indragostit si nu-mi pasa ca fumeaza, nu mi-ar fi pasat de nimic.

– Pare cumva ca acum reusesti s-o accepti.

– Nu stiu. Nu stiu daca asta e. Mai degraba simt ca, nemaifiind reala, nu stiu cum sa spun, nici eu, care o visez nu sunt real. Cel care-o urmeaza, asa, fantasma asta, e tot… nu mai sunt eu. De altfel nici nu e imaginabil ca eu traiesc. Adica n-am de ales, trebuie, dar e cumva ireal. E un fals, o anomalie.

– E o anomalie ca tu traiesti acum, De parca ar fi ceva nenatural.

– Da. Cand ne gandeam la asta, ne-am imaginat mereu ca eu voi pleca primul, pentru ca ea era mai puternica, ea ar fi putut. Nu stiu, uneori cred ca oamenii n-ar trebui sa ajunga atat de apropiati. Nu e… nu stiu.

– E nedrept.

– Da, e cumva… n-ar trebui.

Imi trec aici dorintele mai mult ca sa pot vedea si eu peste cativa ani la ce-mi statea mintea pe vremea asta.

Vreau sa incep sa conduc masina. Fac parte din clubul ala penibil de femei care au luat carnetul acum 10 ani si de atunci n-au mai condus niciodata. N-am nevoie sa conduc dar atat de tare ma racaie pe creier chestia asta incat trebuie neaparat s-o rezolv.

Vreau sa slabesc si sa raman slaba. Daca ma pui sa zic un numar, zic 51.

Vreau sa incep sa lucrez pe bani. – Done!

Vreau să vizitez o tara noua (anul trecut n-am reusit asta). – Done!

Sa termin ok anul la master. – Done!

Sa citesc macar 20 de carti.

Si sa avem la sfarsitul anului niste bani economisiti pentru stii-tu-ce.

cam atat!

I had such high hopes for this year… I don’t remember why.

it was a good year. Nothing special happened.

Good thing, bad things.

I have no high hopes for 2014. I just hope it will be a good year, and nothing special will happen.

For fuck’s sake just let me be.