Mental Health Misunderstood

I’ve learnt that in life if you keep postponing your happiness, it never comes.

What concretised this lesson for me was that as a naturally chubby girl I’ve had struggles with my weight for as long as I can remember, and then one day as I was looking through my old pictures I realised that at the time where I thought I was too big and not attractive, I actually looked good, and comparing myself to the weight I was when looking at the pictures, I actually wanted to go back to that size that I once thought was not good enough.
So I realised that I could’ve been happy with myself and felt beautiful, but I kept postponing it for a time that I didn’t realise would never come…I was chasing the wind.

Looking at my life now, I don’t know whether it came with being in my 30s and a parent, but one day I woke up and realised that I had been generally unhappy and depressed for about 8 or 9 years, and I had reached my limits. My face-book memories reflect that I’ve posted about my misery more than anything else in this life. Even in my pictures I can see the reflection of a girl who was trapped in her own gloom no matter how bright the sun shined on her. Good days were there, but they were quickly swept away by thoughts of how happy I would be if this and if that.

A bit of context; there was a time where I had a car which was given to me by my parents and lived rent free in a very nice apartment 5 minutes away from town, had a good job and no responsibilities, and after work all I had to do was go to the gym and come home to make cereal for dinner,  but I was more depressed than anyone I know. I could never make the most of that life and be happy with myself. It wasn’t until I lost it all that I realised how blessed I was, and now as I’m trying to rebuild my life from scratch, I realise how God had freely given me everything and I never thanked him.

Funny enough I had this realisation as I was in my 3rd year of unemployment and everything just looked bleak. I realised how tired I was of being miserable.. My tired was tired. I couldn’t even worship God in fullness because I felt that he needed to do something big first before I could praise him.
So I just let it all go. I stopped wondering what I would eat and what I would wear, and trusted that the Lord knows that I need all these things; I left it all to him and I’ve never been happier.

Do I have everything I need? No. Is everything going the way I would like for it to go? Still no. But I am at peace with knowing that God knows the plans he has for me, and he is working it all together for my good.
So I’ll be happy now, and celebrate the life I have now while still trusting God for bigger and better.

One day you wake up and you realise that you’re at peace all of a sudden…

There’s a peace that comes with letting go of everything that has hurt you and brought you down, and living in the beauty of today’s day and it’s sunshine.

A lot of people say it’s too hard to forgive, but I believe it’s too hard not to. It’s too hard to carry the pain and shame, it’s too heavy to go around with the grief on your shoulders everyday. The thing is when you don’t forgive someone, you carry them with you everywhere you go; to your job, to your meet ups with friends, to your family gatherings and even your new relationships. You allow this hurt to block you from ever being happy because you feel that life had been too unfair to you, and no matter how hard life tries to fix everything, you won’t let it happen because you’re holding onto glass in your hands and it keeps cutting you.

The unfortunate part is that before you’re able to let it go, you have to feel it first. I didn’t know this until it happened to me in the most unexpected way. I thought that I was over it and didn’t care much about it, only to realise that I had numbed the pain, so I couldn’t let it go no matter how hard I tried.
You can’t let go of something by trying to ignore it.
I prayed many times to God and asked him to help me let it go, and finally he just took me and put me in a position where I could face the pain and feel every part of it.

I felt the pain and sat with it for a while and admitted to myself (before anyone else) that it really hurts and it makes me unhappy. I allowed myself to break down in the arms of God and tell him how much it hurts me and asked him to heal me. And it was only then that I was able to move away from that situation and actually be okay with it and truly heal. I even lost the engagement ring and didn’t mind. That’s when I knew that I had healed and was ready to leave it all behind me.

You know you’ve healed when you’re no longer angry, you no longer have anything bad to say about the situation or the people involved. You realise that this isn’t the plan you had in mind, but you’re deciding to make the most out of the path you ended up on. You’re not bitter, you’re not jealous, you’ve just removed yourself from that whole equation and no longer engage your emotions in anything that comes from it.

And then it happens…
One day you wake up and you’re in this place. You’re in this place where everything feels right. Your heart is calm. Your soul is lit. Your thoughts are positive. Your vision is clear. Your faith is stronger than ever. And you’re at peace. At peace with where you’ve been. At peace with what you’ve been through. And at peace with where you’re headed. 😌

My advice: ask God to give you peace, so you can live again. 🌻

Adult friendship ‘break-ups’ are quite painful.
I use the quotation marks because sometimes its not that you actually had a fight and then agreed to go your separate ways, but it’s just that life happened to you both in an unexpected way ; you moved away for school, she got married, you changed jobs and got too busy with work etc…and with time you found yourselves becoming strangers to each other.

Having to refer to someone who once felt like your blood, and say she used to be my friend, breaks your heart every single time. It’s even worse when you’re asked what happened, and then you have to relive the experience…or when you don’t even have a proper story to narrate, so you have to ask yourself again and wonder what if.

Adult friendships are different because as a grown up you’ve learnt to limit who comes into your life and shorten the List of people you trust…so once you find this one person and open up your heart to them, you kinda hope it’s for the long term. Not like in a relationship, deeper than that, because they’re actually there with you in the relationship…they know when he’s made you happy and can tell when you’re hiding your anger towards him. Nah this is deeper..this is a connection that isn’t formed because of blood, but by daily choosing each other… until you don’t. 

It’s easier to find another boyfriend, but a good friend comes around once in a few years. Others may come really close and you share a lot which each other, but there will be those gaps that no one else can fill like they did.
Some jokes were ONLY funny to the two of you… certain songs you can’t listen to with anyone else; they wouldn’t understand the context.

So now your whole way of doing life has changed because you’re no longer doing it with your favourite person. Not to mention that when you happen to meet in your circles there’s gonna be a vibe between you because your heart says “that’s my person”  but the mind says “she might feel differently, so tread carefully”.

Some things just shouldn’t end. Even if we disconnected for some years, there should always be a way to find ourselves in each others lives again. But that’s not always an option, especially when life has taken you both onto opposite directions and your values have changed and your priorities no longer match.

Anyways I guess I’m writing this because I miss the hearts I’ve lost along the way. But if you happen to read this and think I may be talking about you, I am.
I miss you and I love you friend. ❤

If the pain was deep, you’re gonna have to let it go many times.

Healing is messy and grief is messier. One day you’re doing well, and the next day you’re 10 steps behind.

When you can tell your story without crying, then you know you’re healing. But that doesn’t mean you’re done because one day, one night, you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by something totally unrelated, and for some reason that triggers unending tears and you fall asleep on a wet pillow.

When you fight to get out of bed, open the curtains, and take a shower. You’re not going out to see people yet, but you’re overcoming this overwhelming heaviness that wants you to stay in bed all day. That’s the hardest step, and when you celebrate yourself for that, you realise you’re letting go. 🎉🎊

You let go when you show up for that first therapy session. We all know when we need therapy, but actually going there is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do! I always used to say I’m afraid of going to therapy because I know I’ll start crying and I’m afraid I’ll never stop. 

You’re letting go when you accept. Accepting that you’re in pain💔, and that it’s okay to feel pain, and that whatever is happening really sucks, but it won’t destroy you. Accept that you need help to deal with it.. accept that it has changed a lot of things around you and that you won’t be the same when it passes. When you accept the reality of your pain instead of being in denial about it, you’re able to work through it.

When my dad passed away I was 10 years old, and even though I cried at his funeral, in my small mind I still thought it would turn out to be a lie and he would somehow come back to me. 🤧💔
When I dated an abusive man I knew that I had to leave, but in my mind I thought he would eventually change, apologise and then marry me.

It always takes me a while to accept being in pain because I always believe I can still fix things… yet the longer I stay in that denial, the deeper the wound cuts.

It takes more than one attempt to ‘accept the apology you never received’. Your heart will constantly remind you that they hurt you, your mind will demand for an explanation, and your soul will always say but I deserve an apology. You will make many trials and errors before you can successfully let go in this way..and that’s okay.

You let go when you accept that you love them but you can’t be with them. You let go of the anger and the hate and you no longer want them dead, but you’ve accepted that you can’t ‘live’ with them anymore. You haven’t stopped loving them yet; you’re letting go.

There’s no guaranteed formula to letting go, and sadly no time frame either. Sometimes it takes just one step, and sometimes a hundred.

If the pain cut you deep, you’re gonna have to let it go many times before it’s actually gone.

I used to be homesick for places I had lived in, or people I had met and loved..

Now I’m homesick for the future..
I’m homesick for my new chapter to start..
I’m homesick for new experiences.. new daily schedules, new sunsets in different cities.
I crave for the new friendships I’m going to make in my new chapter..

I’m homesick for new people.. new love.. that excitement that comes with new love.  I crave for the goosebumps and butterflies found in the phone calls of new love…

I miss life, but not the life I once lived, the life I’m going to live. The one I have not yet met, but I know is coming.
I crave for the unknown. 

Its like the kind of feeling you get when you get into fresh bed sheets in fresh pyjamas.. or like opening the pages of a fresh journal and puting your name on the first page.

I’ve been here for too long..

Im homesick for a beginning.

Helloooo, I come baaack!! 😁
I’ve been away for sooo long and literally haven’t written anything in all that away time, but I’m finally back and ready to blog the pain away!😌

Well I realised a long time ago that as much as I find comfort in writing, I can’t express myself when I’m in the middle of a storm. Which really sucks because that’s when I need it the most.
But I can never write about what I’m currently going through, I can only express it after the wave is over or when I can see that I’m fast approaching the light at the end of the tunnel.🌅

Needless to say I’ve been going through the most terrifying time of my life and haven’t been in touch with my “normal” self for a very long time. I’ve lost so much, and gone through so many life changes, and it was a very scary and sad time in my life.
You know when you get used to losing things and people, and just accepting that this is your season of loss, you lose a part of you that you probably won’t get back.

First it hurts, and then it changes you forever.

In the last two years I’ve lost my job  lost my freedom and independence as I had to move back home…
I lost a 3 year relationship that had become an engagement💍 💔
I lost a lot of friends as I became isolated…
lost my “church family ” and therefore my sense of belonging..
And basically lost myself.

It’s been a tough.

I’m hoping to articulate everything into black and white for the purposes of helping someone find hope or atleast that feeling of ‘I’m not alone’.

I wrote this one after a break up when I was 25 and thought I’d bring it here. 😂. I grew up way too fast.

As a woman in your twenties… you meet the man you like but only as captain of the friend zone.. the play boy who just wants you for your looks and thinks his money will make up for him being a sorry excuse for a man…

You meet the man your mom would approve of but you don’t like coz he bores you with his backwardness…the goodlooking charmer who says all the right things and knows about all the right ways but does all the wrong things, and you probably fall for him coz you know, women and words..you meet the one who does all the right things and has a lot of potential, but he’s not attractive so your friends don’t approve of him.. (Peer pressure shows up again)..

..and that is where you learn the difference between I like him vs I love him.. You learn to weigh between ‘I love him’ vs ‘I’m so used to having him in my life’.. You get to see the line between ‘he loves me’ and ‘he treats me with love and respect’..

You get to understand what your mom meant when she said be with the one who loves you: ‘I love him’ vs ‘he loves me’.. You become mature enough to stop saying ‘I can’t go a day without talking to him’ and start looking for ‘he values My presence in his life’..

You stop worrying about whether he buys you a box of chocolate and start thinking about the kind of father he would be to your kids.. Life stops being about ‘wow look at us, we look so good together’ and more about ‘wow look at us, we treat each other so well’….And last but not least, you learn to choose six business plans over a six pack (muscles) 💪… 😊
We get wiser..we learn faster..we heal better..
#siyakhula
#HappyTwenties

I actually wrote this when I was 25 but never published it, and just ran into it today.

Our 20’s are so interesting… You get to learn so much and teach yourself to unlearn so much. You get into relationships and go through heart breaks, and you discover that you actually can live without that person you thought you loved so much… You carry some friends over from your teenage years but lose them along the way.. You make new friends who entertain you, and then you learn the difference between a friend and a person who makes you laugh.. You learn about the importance of keeping your circle small and intimate.. You come to the sad realization that things don’t always work out the way you plan them, and you eat a few servings of humble pie while you learn about patience and faith… You get to a point where you decide to distance some family members and avoid family gatherings coz now you see right through the fake smiles… You learn so much about yourself now that you’ve removed peer pressure from the steering wheel.. You learn about wants, likes and needs.
Everyday comes with a new lesson and it doesn’t ger easier, but you do get stronger..

It’s the beginning of another year again and as usual my friends anxiety and depression are up the roof.

This time last year I attempted suicide. As my family and neighbours were screaming happy new year and  enjoying the fireworks, I was drowning in a pool of tears because I realised it was a whole new 365 days of fighting again. Fighting to stay alive in a life I no longer wanted.
I really didn’t wanna see 2021, but as usual God refused to take me.

I hate the beginning of the year because my experience with previous years makes me extremely anxious about the kind of difficulties I’ll be faced with in this new year.
I start to wonder what new level of tests and trials I’ll have to face this time, seeing as it’s been that way every year, and each time with bigger tests harder trials.

So far my life has just been a series of painful events and each year I’m faced with more difficulties that I have to overcome…and quite frankly I’m no longer in the mood. Nobody wants to keep fighting never ending battles.

The uncertainty of a new year heightens my anxiety. Therefore instead of being excited, I get several anxiety attacks thinking about what kind of challenges will I be faced with this time around, and  will I be strong enough to withstand them, or is this the year they finally swallow me up?

It’s difficult to ‘just stay positive’  and ‘hope for the best’ because my little friend depression will always show up to remind me of all the horrible experiences I’ve had with life in the past years, even after staying positive. He will remind me of how much I’ve struggled to stay afloat in the past and barely made it out of the year alive. And now the year begins again.
Sigh 🤕…

All I’m praying for is strength. This time I wanna be ready and well equipped with strength to face whatever comes.

It’s a tough day. Might be a tough couple of days or weeks to come. But this time atleast I know from past experience that “this too shall pass”.

There’s a part of job seeking that people hardly talk about. The part where you’re over qualified for a small job yet lack the 10years of experience required for the job you would qualify for. So you find yourself putting aside your real qualifications and applying with the bare minimum just so you can get hired.

You then learn to survive on minimum wage because you’re growing up and alduting won’t pause because you’re in a bad space, it still needs to happen. You tell yourself that you’re just gonna do this for a few months as you wait for other opportunities to open up.
Before you know it, it’s been 5years and you’re still jumping from one 6month contract to another and to make things worse, you still haven’t gained that experience you need for your actual job because what you’ve been doing has nothing to do with it; all it’s doing is helping you pay bills and feed you.

Let’s not even talk about the pain of being hired with high school kids who just want to pass time during school holidays or during their gap year. Not only are you much older than them, but you’re also there with your degree while they are waiting for their form5 results.😂😂😭😭. Honestly I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this one.

You’ll hear people say ‘you should be grateful that you’re even employed, do you know how many people would kill to have a salary’😏 …and well that’s the thing see… you’re never ever ungrateful, you’re never ever at a point where you don’t realise there’s unemployment in the world..I mean you yourself are technically unemployed. The depression doesn’t come from not counting your blessings, it comes from realising that you actually deserve better, but have not been dealt better…it comes from realising that this is NOT what you spent 4plus years at tertiary for. You studied so hard and put in extra hours because you wanted a job that would give you fulfillment and joy. You wanted to make an impact in that specific field, but you find yourself serving at a completely different table.

Sometimes the job that you find yourself in is actually quite exhausting physically and mentally🤯 and you constantly find yourself questioning if it’s even worth your time because all it does is drain you, and you get nothing in return except a small scale salary that hardly gets you by. But you can’t quit..you can never quit because then you’d be back at square one…the illusion of making progress and being productive would be taken away if you quit.

Then there’s the part where the people you graduated with, and others who graduated way after you are now employed in their dream jobs and driving their cars and basically living the lives you dreamt of together. They’re celebrating their promotions while you’re searching through the classifieds👀. If it was up to you, you wouldn’t even have to bump into them anywhere because even on a good day, you’re gonna be reminded that you’re not where you deserve to be.

It’s tempting to then feel like maybe you went wrong somewhere, but the truth is you were just dealt a different card, and given a different, longer path to take through life. Depression becomes inevitable in such circumstances, and it’s the kind that you can’t even speak about to others because very few people understand and relate with this.

Be kind to one another boys and girls…and always think twice before passing an opinion about somebody’s life and feelings.

#DepressionTalks
#IwillTalkAboutIt
#ItwillNotKillMe
#IamHealing