It is strange. How on the New Year’s day, all you think of amidst every other thing that you have going in your life, is that one person. It is a mystery to me always, how I fall in love with someone and sometimes can’t even say to myself whether it is love, or just infatuation, or a strong liking, or an obsession, or a habit, or attachment, or just a craving for an unfulfilled wish. Having so many things going on in your life, when you are finally working towards your dreams, finally building new habits, finally being positive about things, neglecting the negativities, spending more time with family and friends, and feeling actually happy after all this time, feeling balanced, feeling that you are finally getting back your centre, your focus, again! Inspite of all these things, you just end up thinking about that one person. When you start missing them in your good as well as bad times. The thought that you just wanna message them, the thought that you just wanna let them know that you’ve been thinking of them. Yet, you can’t. Because you have to let go!

Why can’t you get rid of this feeling? Why can’t you stop adoring the person for all the good things that they have? Why can’t you forget how genuine they have been? Why can’t you forget how respectful they have been towards almost every person they come across? Why can’t you unsee their humility when they try to learn from people and give heed to opinions of people who are younger than them? Why can’t you dismiss the fact that they never try to show that they are a know-it-all, even when they are intellectually more mature than most of the people in the room? Why can’t you be oblivious to the fact that inspite of them outgrowing people in their social circle, they still hang out with them, giving everyone due respect? How can someone be such a good person? And why can’t I be with them? How can they be special, yet enjoy even the most basic things of life with utmost pleasure and still not expect everything to be over the top! How can someone be so ‘not objective’, who doesn’t see people for what they bring to their life, but accept them just as they are!

I know I know, people shouldn’t be put up on a pedestal. Nobody is perfect! Each one of us have our own insecurities, bad behaviours, etc etc. I know you have stopped expressing these days. You don’t speak it out loud.

Trust me, I have seen the subtle actions that shout to me that you too reciprocate. But I just discard all those signs thinking that they might just be a sign of my overthinking. Prove me wrong na!

Earlier I used to fear sitting for even 5 mins of meditation. The thought of having to face my thoughts so upfront was scary. Especially in the phase when I was frequently going through episodes of overthinking and anxiety.

But the past two months have been a major transformative phase in my life. It started with just one firm decision one day. I was like, “That’s enough! I need to join a dance class”. I chose the first slot of the day, before the first batch of students swarm in for their fitness dance class. The dance studio is located at an amazing place. The building itself is a lil vintage type, not reallly vintage, but definitely not a modern one, which I like! Yes, I am fed up of mere boxes as buildings these days. I wanna see some uniqueness. Anyway, the studio is in the first floor which has a terrace. The sight of the wideee roads from there and a park at the front, with the golden sunlight early in the morning and chilly breeze, just add up to the amazing vibe! Ah I totally love it!

So, this decision, made me to start making small decisions for every next step that I need to take in a day, which ultimately made me have a routine. So even before I officially start my day at work, I am already done with the most important tasks. Done with my dance, yoga and meditation, breakfast, newspaper, and even shower. And then I sit for my work. Ah, such a nice feeling to be active and totally pumped up for the day since the beginning of your work hour. I feel totally fresh and much much focused.

So now coming to the meditation part. So, it’s not something that is very intensive for me right now. I am a beginner, like total beginner. I started off with sleep meditation on an app called ‘Insight Timer’. You guys can check it out too. It has many free guided sessions. The guided sessions which involve visualisation and soft music work for me. The sleep meditation was calming. But eventually I stopped sleep meditation. Don’t know how and why.

But I incorporated it in my morning Yoga routine.

So my meditation basically involves playing some soothing, some spiritual, some religious songs, some soft unplugged versions, and visualisations. And trust me, doing this really really calms me down, helps me bring focus to my breath, to my centre, the (chakra in your head) as they say. Yes, I can somewhat feel it. And slowly, the other thoughts start to fade away. I literally just visualise ‘aesthetic’ or ‘escape into nature’ type visuals while listening to these songs, and it works for me. Sometimes, I speak to myself in my mind that I am getting back to my centre. And other calming statements that are spiritual, like, gratitude, giving away the fate of results to the Universe (to God), having faith that now you have unloaded yourself from disturbing thoughts, concerns, overthinking and insecurities and have given this task to God to do what’s best for you!

This letting go of power and having faith doesn’t mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions. It just means, that I say to myself that I have done what needed to be done and leave the rest on some supreme power. This way of spirituality intensified when one of my friends asked me whether I pray. I replied a no and he said that I should have some faith. And I myself had a similar philosophy in life, but just that I wasn’t consciously practicing it until now.

During one of my meditation sessions, on a day when I was already a little concerned about what complexities I had within myself, I literally started choking with teary eyes I guess, I felt vulnerable, but in a good way. It felt a positive vulnerability. It felt as if I was confronting all of the negative emotions, which made me almost cry, realising that I did have some pain in my life, with myself and that pain was genuine. But, I felt that feeling, and the feeling left me. This entire session felt like this.And that was such a nice feeling. I got reminded of this instance today because I watched a reel of Ranveer Allahabadia and he was mentioning that the first meditation experience can be scary and negative. And he has had episodes when he has cried or had outbursts of anger while meditating, and I could relate to that.

Although, whatever I have written here comes from a very short span of time, literally just 2 months. But it has had solid impact on me. I hope the results of all of this will be visible to me more profoundly in the coming months, but for now, what’s important to me is that, because of all this, I am finally doing things that I needed to do for a long time to create the life that I’ve always wanted for myself! ❤

I hope I’ll give you some more good updates from my life in the upcoming months ! ❤

And yeah, love and best wishes and strength and courage and faith, to everyone who’s picking up the pieces and finally gearing up to heal and to create the lives for themselves. ❤

As time passes by, I get more clarity on the real reasons behind most of my sufferings in life. I realise how much OCD has seeped into my everyday routine and everyday thought process. So much so, that it has now even built up regular arrivals of anxious phases. I was just going through OCD symptoms today. Earlier I used to think that I just have OCD wrt the germophobia (mysophobia). But that’s not just it. OCD can refer to general obsessions and compulsions as well. And I got to know I do have its effect on soooo many routine things in my life.

Lately, I don’t know how the anxiety has fuelled up. Earlier it used to be once in a while that I got those anxiety attacks, which used to show up as physical symptoms. Now, it has become quite frequent. Anyway, I am dealing with both these things and am hopeful that I will get better with them. But while I am still living with these in such intensity, it gets really difficult at times. Your mind’s stuck in a loop and your head just aches. You don’t really know what is that thought that’s making you feel this way. But you feel there’s something stuffed inside your head, that’s even occupying physical space, sucking up both your physical as well as mental energy and you are left gasping for breath. A few times you may even find your heartbeat racing. There are occasional feelings of tightness in your chest.

To be honest, there’s a certain kind of guilt attached to expressing experiences of mental problems. Sometimes you start questioning yourself, why is there even a need to share about your mental problems? Just to tell people that you’re in the league too? Or do you want them to sympathise with you? Or you just feel that having mental issues is elitist?

They are not. Trust me. Everybody goes through it. But maybe, people from not so privileged phases in life, might sometimes not be able to exactly pinpoint what mental problem are they facing or whether are they even facing any.

I don’t know. I still sometimes feel, not so okay with sharing about this. But it’s fine. I was occupied with these thoughts today and did in fact had a phase of mind being stuck in a loop and hence decided to share.

I just feel really overwhelmed and anxious with the current phase at my work. It’s all new, no clear guidelines what to do. I get stuck at almost every step because there’s some or the other issue with my access, or some build issues. And it’s scary to reach out to seniors every single time I encounter them. And to be very honest, I feel I am facing way more technical issues than any other co on-boarder must be facing. I don’t know why. It feels like being left in the middle of the sea.

It’s so much overwhelming today that I feel bad in the gut. I feel nauseous.