Finding out you had an early miscarriage is… there are actually no words for it. I know because I’ve been there in 2019. I found so much comfort in reading other people’s stories about their miscarriages or watching their videos. I’m now ready to share my story of miscarriage.

There are so many emotions that come up during a miscarriage. You immediately play the blame game, how could I have prevented this miscarriage? Googling “what causes miscarriages?” Maybe you’re Googling different types of miscarriages. No matter what, Google is not your friend; but maybe a blog post or a video gives you some comfort, it did for me.

I hope my story can give you, or someone else, comfort in this impossible time.

First, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this.

However you feel is exactly right. Some women feel completely wrecked and grieve hard, if that’s you, let yourself. Some women feel okay and wonder why it’s not bothering them more, it may come later, it may not, that’s okay. Give yourself the space to feel WHATEVER you feel and don’t question it.

It’s such a complicated thing, often miscarriages happen in the first trimester WHEN NO ONE EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE PREGNANT! So now, you need to tell them first, you were pregnant and also, now you’re not.

To the few friends that knew I was pregnant, I remember my text looking something like, “I found out that I’m having a miscarriage, I don’t really want to talk about it, but I wanted to let you know”. That was that.

People were very respectful and it was a great way to get the message out without pouring energy I didn’t have into conversations.

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant

It happened on my birthday March 2nd 2019. I remember I was at my partners place but we were not staying together yet. At this time, I was staying with my parents and I hadn’t told anyone the news. I wanted to wait until the 1st trimester was over.

That evening, I had some mild pains. They felt like menstrual period pains. I knew this was not supposed to happen. I knew that any slight of pain during pregnancy is an emergency. So the first thing I did was google, signs of an early miscarriage. And there it was, “Abdominal pain or cramping”.

I called my partner and when he arrived to the house, I was sitting in the toilet, bleeding. I was afraid to miscarry. But then, it was still in the first trimester, we knew this could happen. It’s not like we lost a BABY just an embryo… right? I thought.

When we got to the hospital, the doctor asked me if I had taken any pills. I assumed he thought it was an abortion! He then confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I had already lost the baby. He told us that most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn’t developing normally. That my DNA and that of my partner did not match well—chromosome problems. And for that, it had to come out.

What! I had never heard of such a thing! How’s that even possible! I was angry at my body. I was angry at myself. I was angry with my Higher Source of Energy for letting this happen.

The doctor then gave me two options:
1. Get a D&C (surgery to empty out my uterus)
2. Take a pill that would cause my uterus to expel all the tissue inside

We choose #2. For me, a miscarry is like a bad period and the early stages of labor. The cramps turned into little contractions, and after every ‘contraction’, I would pass a clot either on the toilet or into the pad. At some point, I didn’t want to leave the toilet.

After a 1 hour or 2 of so much pain, the doctor gave me an injection on my left thigh. They told me that with a miscarriage there is a chance of infection and to watch for a few symptoms: foul smell, pain in my abdomen, and fever—reasons for the injection.

After that day I continued to bleed for over 2 weeks and kept the doctors visits for another 3 months. Ultrasounds after ultrasounds. Gynacologist after gynacologist just being pumped with antibiotics. But I kept the visits going just to make sure that I was healing properly, that there was nothing remaining inside of me and that I would be able to get pregnant again in the future.

I had heard of possibility of repeatitive miscarriage once you experience your first. And that thought put me in a dark place for quite sometime.

I remember I fell into a deep depression, and felt like my family wouldn’t understand so I decided to just leave my parents home and go stay with my boyfriend. He was the only who could understand me. He was there with me.

I tried to stay busy and I just tried to feel and sit with my feelings. No one will ever understand fully because we all experience miscarriage differently but we all respect each other because we understand the deep feeling of loss.

After I told my family about it, my dad was like “You are sure you did not have anything to do with it?” I swore to myself that I would never speak about it again. He made me feel so embarassed. He blamed me and said the reason I was hiding this information from the family was because I had something to do it. I don’t think I would ever hurt myself like that.

So I decided that I would consider sharing the information once I eventually had a baby. So here we are a year later.

I hope that this story brings you comfort. I am truly sorry for what you are experience and the best advice I can give is to give yourself time, give yourself grace, and feel. Don’t feel ashamed of anything you feel or don’t feel. Process how you need to.