Lately, I’ve been hiatus. Not just from social media, but from everything that feels too loud, too demanding, too constant. At first, it felt strange. I’m so used to being “on”, always available, always consuming, always sharing. But the more I stepped back, the more I realized how much I needed to pause. And somehow I do feel like running away. Now, I’m starting to see it as returning. 

I’ve been carrying too many feelings all at once, and instead of letting them pass, I kept pushing them away, hoping they would fade. But emotions don’t work that way, they wait. And when they come back, they come back louder. 

I used to think strength meant being untouched, unshaken, unbothered. But strength isn’t about numbing yourself. It’s about letting yourself feel deeply and still standing. Isn’t it?

Now I want to feel everything at once. I don’t care anymore if it hurts. For too long, I’ve been running from my own emotions, pushing them down, hiding them, pretending they don’t exist. So here I am, sitting with them. All of them. So, let it be messy, let it be uncomfortable. I’m fine with it. Because it reminds me that to feel is to know I’m still alive.

This hiatus isn’t about shutting the world out. It’s about noticing what I feel. About remembering what my own thoughts sound like without all the background noise. About looking at myself in the mirror and not just seeing someone who’s functioning, but someone who’s still searching, still trying. 

In this quiet, I’ve noticed small things I used to overlook. The rain taps against the window. The steady rhythm of my own breath, reminding me I’m here, I’m alive. The warmth of the morning light as it moves slowly across my room, touching the walls, the table that decorated with my Popmart collection, the notebook with a letter I wrote but I kept to myself, or even my hands. These little things don’t ask for attention, yet they hold a kind of peace I’ve been missing. 

And I thought to myself, I am ready to step back into the noise without losing myself again and it’s okay to pause when I need it, to feel, to simply exist without explanation. 

Now, I welcome it all… the joy, the grief, the loneliness, the love, the anger, the confusion or even the heartbreak. I want to put it all on a necklace, wear it like a message. So, I don’t have to forget it because I know it’s all mine and every emotion has something to teach me. 

If it hurts, let it hurt. If it heals, let it heal. Because in the end, I would rather live fully with all the highs and lows than half-asleep, untouched by the very things that make life real.

I once lived in a haunted house with unsolved murder cases, and used to fall in love with a person looked like a kaleidoscope of butterfly wings. And finally, I found the exit for the great escape… a small, honest doorway I built from all lessons I’d survived. I stepped through and chose myself, soft and fierce, held my own hand and began to love the messy, brave version of me a little more everyday.