The heart is never neutral

It doesn’t feel like 2 1/2 months have gone by. It feels like I saw you yesterday smiling up at me. Like I felt your tongue on the back of my leg when I arrived home days ago. Like I heard your happy grumbles hours ago. It’s been 2 1/2 months and I’m living in your shadow. I’m a shell of my former self without you.

I have tried to write this post hundreds of times. I can never get past the first word without crying and usually I give up. I’m just going to cry through this post and finally get the words out.

I lost my best friend. My best friend, my 16 year companion, my rock, my literal teather to the world. I had to say goodbye to my Tito on November 5th, 2019. I haven’t had a grip on life since. Every day I want to die. The only reason I am still here is because my Grandma is. Grief has a permanent grip on my throat.

I got Tito in 2003. He was with me through my deepest depression, my inpatient treatment and my parents divorce. He was with me when I was unfairly fired from the worst job I’ve ever had. He was with me when my Dad decided to choose another family over me. He was with me when I was getting harassed at work for over a year. He got me through ALL OF IT. 16 years and he was my only constant, my heart and soul. I would not be here without him. I wouldn’t have made it past 16.

Dealing with myself every day is taxing. It’s the worst thing I have to do. I used to be able to come home and relax and focus on Tito and his needs. Now it’s all about having to put up with myself. It’s devastating. I want to reach out but I can’t bring myself to bother anyone. I work as much as I can, because it is the only place I can get out of my head and be surrounded by people who don’t judge or criticize me. Thank you work people, you’re the only ones keeping me sane right now.

So this post is for Tito. This is for you, Bubba. I miss you, I love you and I thank you for the past 16 years. I will never recover from losing you and I hope someday we meet again. I hope you’re up there playing with your old friend Baxter, and my old friend Pirette. I hope you think of me and look after me as I stumble through the rest of my life without you. Here’s to you boy. I couldn’t have made it those 16 years without you. I love you with every fiber of my being.

I get asked this question a lot in various incarnations: How did Dona Drake save your life if she died before you were born? Its a tough question to answer. Most people don’t seem to understand my love for her and question me with a strange look on their faces that seems to say, “What the hell are you talking about?”.

So let’s start from the beginning. In 2011 I was in a deep depression. I couldn’t smile or laugh no matter how funny something was. It was as if a clone had taken my place but was void of all emotion. I had let my depression win. And that’s where Dona (pronounced dough-na) came in. Who is Dona Drake? Dona Drake was an actress in the 1930s, 40s and 50s. She started as a bandleader in the early 30s and toured the country performing until good friend Dorothy Lamour got her a part in the 1941 film Aloma Of The South Seas. She was a wife to costume designer William Travilla and mother to daughter Nia.

Dona Drake at home, 1942

Now around this time I read Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None and fell in love with the story. I then immediately tacked down a copy of the 1945 film starring Louis Hayward. Through that one experience I found my love for classic film. I then started tracking down Louis Hayward’s films and came across a little film called Fortunes Of Captain Blood. It’s a low budget swashbuckler, like most of Louis’ films. I was quite ready to shrug it off as one of the low points in Louis’ career when I saw her. In her first scene she mistakenly kisses Captain Blood who is disguised as a fruit peddler. She’s feisty and sassy and she SHINES. From that moment on I was hooked. She was everything I have always hoped to be. She was smart, sassy, talented and absolutely gorgeous. I found myself smiling halfway through the film and by the end I was laughing. I was absolutely stunned.

I started to watch everything she had ever been in. And you know what I found? No matter how small the part or how demeaning the role (Dona was often typecast as Mexican and therefore ended up playing a lot of maids and gypsies) she always managed to be the happiest and most energetic person in the scene. She oozed charisma. And in turn I started to get better. The more I watched of her the better I felt. I could feel the pain of all that I had been through start to melt away.

So how did Dona save my life? With her grace, her beauty and her willingness to never give up. She put a smile on my face at a time in my life when I was ready to leave this earth. When I had lost all sight of all the beauty life has to offer. Dona by no means had an easy life, suffering from seizures and epilepsy which eventually ended her career. But through all that she managed to smile and keep her head held high. She was my light at the end of a long black tunnel. And I hope somewhere up there she’s smiling and laughing as she aways did. And that someday, if I’m very, very lucky, I’ll get to meet her and tell her how she changed my life.

The heart is never neutral

In Memory Of.

The Miracle That Is Dona Drake

	~ Chels ~ on The Miracle That Is Dona …
	rose on The Miracle That Is Dona …