“Hello, Hello? If you don’t come now I swear I’ll call 911!”

•November 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment

J~ “Hi babe, did you really call my brother and tell him that if he didn’t come and get the spider the size of a v.w. out of your workshop that you we’re gonna call 911?”

Me~ “well, maybe. BUT IT WAS AS BIG AS A V.W AND I WAS ONLY GONNA CALL 311 NOT 911!’

J~ “Honey, you do know that that’s not what’s it’s for?”

Me~”of course I know that, but I needed emphasis and I couldn’t be sure he’d leave work if I didn’t stress the vital need of having this beast removed.”

J~”O.K. well, at least tell me you didn’t come running out with a can of raid in one hand and a dust pan in the other when he pulled up”

Me~ “Well, I may have, I swear it had just lunged at me and in my defense when your brother saw it he wanted to put it in the aquarium because it was so giant, of course I wouldn’t let him because I didn’t want its siblings coming for it and seeing it in captivity.”

J~ “Babe, this is the second time in a month someone has had to come and eradicate a “beast” for you, it’s gonna be hard to live this down at Christmas.”

Me~”yeah, it’s like a little gift from me to your family!’

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Oooooh..

•October 29, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Sadly this is a conversation that was had at our house today~

Me: Peezer shut up! STOP BARKING!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

Me: Babe, can’t you hear the dog barking? Hello, I’m busy can you find out what’s wrong…

This goes on for about 15 minutes until I finally stomp out from my office and down the stairs to find my better half standing at the door.

Me: Hello? haven’t you heard the dog barking? And me begging you to find out what’s wrong?

Better half: Did the dog stop barking?

Me: NO!
Better Half: Well, it’s probably because the dog and I have been at the pet store, we just got back…

Me: Oh……

Better Half: Why is your voice hoarse?

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hens, pens, and automobiles~

•June 19, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Until recently I’ve always viewed tattoo artist as fairly manly men.. even the women are fairly manly.. Please besides that Kat person on t.v. have you ever seen a female tattoo artist that didn’t intimidate even the biggest thug in a darkened ally?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.. Well until recently I’d never met a male tattoo artist that could harp on like an old hen that’s missed her dinner because the pen door slammed shut.  Trust me, they’re out there.  All of this is not to say he didn’t do a mighty fine job it was just a very p.m.s. type moment.  You know, the kind where all the women are on the same cycle?  Oddly there were two women there (me and my friend)and neither of us were p.m.s.ing!  Unfortunately, I used her;
camera and her god lens to capture the tatt.. So here’s what I got with my camera.. and demi god lens!
Recently my man got his 64′ bug up and going and it looks mighty fine in it’s new shiny red suit.  I may have even learned a thing or two on making them run. haha who am I kidding?  I’m about as helpful as a manual written in Latin.

So to keep it short and sweet here’s a couple of pics~ enjoy.

Terrah gettin’ inked~Tattooed love boy~  Dog is our copilot~

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running in the age of always being found by everyone, except one’s self~

•June 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The last few months, no the better part of this year have been one of some self realizations.. For the most part they have been good and inspiring. Some have been laced with a little fear for what needs to happen as to what is actually happening. (got a.d.d. meds?) Then there are the inevitable things that run up jump you, hold your neck so you can’t breathe and laugh while you shake them off. Those are the ones that make you see that there were times that felt like you were in hell, but in hindsight it wasn’t that dramatic and that the times you thought were good, well you wouldn’t revisit them for nothing. Change as everyone knows is something that comes in small waves and occasionally giant bloody Tsunamis. What do you do when you look back on the last ten years and see that a good 3/4 of it gained you nothing? The gigs that were larger than life led to nothing.. The relationships that were destine to be there forever fade to black, what happens then? Surprisingly it is a a little liberating, scary, sad and breath taking.

Then the flood gate opens and you see what really matters and that’s where you head, to that opening. Some how in the middle of the last decade I lost a couple of years, they like me just fell off the grid. Shock is what it’s attributed to, me I’m not so sure. There are snippets here and there but that’s it. There are friends that have come out of this, even though I see them not nearly enough as they are several states away in every direction. There are family members discovered and for better or worse, they’re yours. There is the family of your better half.. that half grudgingly, after years of trying to figure out your sense of humour have accepted that you may never go away. Then there are the constants everyday that remind you to keep your head on and not take it to seriously.. namely small four legged and fin mounted creatures.
At the moment that you look up and say thank~you that the bullet both figuratively and literally missed your life, you realize how lucky you really are.

All of this makes you take stock and realize that you can run, you can hide but you’re still you and that may not be as scary as it once might have seemed. Life is full of surprises

It's a jungle out there!

and no, you don’t have to take what you’re given but if you do…you may find that the devil is on your side.

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It’s a beautiful day in the pacific northwest!

•April 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

O.k., at least it feels like it could be the n.w. Breezy, grey and 54*! Yes, 54*. How did this happen? Does the giant Ground Hog in the sky that is in charge of all things know? Is mother nature feeling cruel? Alright so maybe it’s not that big of a deal but today is county fair day. Yep, I said it. The hick in me is coming out (quick, someone throw a parade and declare a holiday.)

The business is coming along slowly but surely and soon there will be some decent product about. That in itself is pretty exciting for the likes of me that can’t seem to concentrate for more than (SQUIRREL) 60 seconds. It’s amazing that I don’t get more done considering the spaz component. Soon, my partner in crime will be back for a brief visit and hopefully that will really get things going.

O.k. it’s time to head to the land of pigs and baby sheep.. YAY!

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•March 5, 2011 • Leave a Comment

It’s a balmy 69 outside…. Does this warrant that the coffee shop have on their freakin a/c? I think not. What the he’ll is wrong with these people? I won’t even start on the stinky hippie who has dressed her daughter in head to toe peace signs and clearly not bathed her since last month. Nope none of that botheres me a much the fact that the little beast is standing in front of me eating with her mouth wide open! Seriously people if you’re not gonna teach your kids the basics of being in public, perhaps you could leave them at home in their pens. Yeah, so what I said what everyone except for the offending hippie is thinking. So roll with it.
Actually made it out last night, yes, for socialization! I had forgotten how it felt. I also forgot what it’s like to hang in yuppie bars. Don’t really miss that. I’ll take a dark sullen dive every time given the option. This is not to say that it was not enjoyable, cuz it was. The problem is that my friend LOVES her job and knows that I’m more than qualified to work there.. And is lovingly suggesting I apply, as now theres an in.. There a couple things that make me really and in case you don’t understand REALLY hesitant. First and for most the last coporate position I took ended in me wrapped in a white coat with these really long sleeves and bad ass zippers with locks as accessories. Ok maybe not that hard core but it felt that way. And now I have a chance to possibly make it out in the world of art I’d sure hate to give that up.. So instead I will set a date to attempt my venture then if there’s is nothing by said date, I shall happily return to the world of bitter and biting with a smile…
OK I WAS GONNA GO ON WITH A WITTY TALE OFBHOW FUCKED UP MY PRECIOUS MANI/PEDI TURNED OUT. BUT BUT…. THE HIPPIE IS ALLOWING HER CHILD TO LICK THE CONTAINERS IN THE SANDWICH CASE.. Uhm, excuse me while I open my purse and puke. Seriously, I’m gripping my chair trying to not scream…

Living in middle America is god damn hard. It’s an in going challenge to suck up and be nice. Seriously. Really I gotta go before I horke… I mean be the queen of my own compost heap but that doesn’t mean that I want to wallow around in others..

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My friends, they got a different point of view, cuz all you want to do is use me..

•March 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Well today I remembered headphones but… It would have been a great day to forget them as I woke up in a “I will cut you for breathing near me mood…”. Why you ask? Because generally speaking I’m a self made psychotic bitch when the need arises and for the most part when it doesn’t. It has occured to me that I’m missing that hollywierd element that allows you to make people cry with a glance.
Make them shutter under the blankets with no hope if confidence every returning based on a full on stare. For whatever reason I’m longing for my inner bitch to visit. You all know the one that can look you straight in the eye and make you realize that yes, you are nothing. Oh wait, I may have accomplished that last night when I very calmly stated to someone whom was being a complete prick to “get away from me before I remove your spleen.”. Hmmm, I’d say I need some gigs so that I can abuse some pathetic artist that is convinced that playing a g chord and whining about lost love is what moves the world. Or maybe, if I’m lucky a label rep will approach me to let me know that he can’t hear the lead guitar, while of course his ears are bleeding. Generally they quake in their boots when it is explained to them that they are no talent pricks riding the coat tails of the long suffering artist mastering his g~string.

Maybe it’s just that I woke up feeling like a baby beluga whale that ate to much brine shrimp last night.. Yep, that could be it. Although it could be the magazine that my mother so kindly got me a subscription to that let’s me know that in the not so distant future I will be a woman of substance and my vagina is going to fall out based on all the stats from middle America. Great, one day all be wondering around, all of a sudden I will begin to shrivel up from the inside out, my tits will drop a full foot to my belly button, my hair will droop from lack of desire to form any sort of style and my vag will just drop. Quite possibly pulling these cheap ass victoria secret panties to my knees while wearing a mini skirt, that for the record will be much to short for my knees that will now rest on my ankles. Yep. I’m convinced that’s what pushed me over the edge. I must remember to call my mom and say thanks for the magazine is there something you’re trying to tell me?

I think I need to go find me a beagle to abuse… Oh please, if you knew the beagle you’d thrive on terrorizing it too!

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•February 26, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Today will be a test to not act on my desire to get up and scream at people… You know things like “you fucking moron, you look like you’re gonna stroke out! The last thing you need is a large Carmel mocha frape!”. Or. “shut up you fucking cow, no one cares if your husband can’t get it up. It’s probably because you never shut up and your phone is growing out of your ear AND since it’s all about you where did you get that baby? Clearly your nasty old ass hasn’t had a reproductive cell in years!”. Yes, I am at the coffee shop and I forgot my ear phones so I can’t get lost in bliss… No, I have to endure. And well, enduring quietly is not something in my repertoire. Nope, not at all. If I must suffer so must everyone within ranting distance. Sorry, but it’s why you love me and if it’s not, I dare you to tell me to my face.
So, yesterday I fell in love.. With the cutest little gay boy. Yes, yours truly has the makings of being a fag hag.. Oh well, fine, I am. But the last gay boy in my life broke my heart and left me bitter after he left journal open to the exact page stating how he was feeling about everyone and everything in his life. Before y’all get righteous on me you tell me with a straight face that if it were laying there on the sofa you wouldn’t have peaked.. LIARS! Anyway he’s back in his home land of queers and steers and I still love him. I digress, yesterday I splurged for a real haircut as opposed to me hacking away in the bathroom swearing that I can do it cuz I USED to do it for a living.. Yeah, Michael Jacksons dr. Used to be a cardiologist but I’m not gonna wait in line for him. Don’t even get me started on the whole “he saved my life while we we’re in flight” guy. I’m not so sure it didn’t happen after he slipped him some horse traquilizer. So, yesterday I finally took the plunge and had this adorable boy cut my hair, who after I called him out declared that yes, he does love drag but hates the bitter queens.
I convinced him that there’s nothing wrong with the bitter queens, they just want some respect and for people to say it like it is. Bitter queens are what I love most about bartending. A queen will always let you know exactly where you stand and how you look while you’re doing it. This boy though, he has a way to go before bitter engulfs him but he’s very talented so it’ll happen quickly enough. Anyway i was so smitten i gave him my ex husbands phone number for when he moves to west hollywood and needs a job while waiting for his boards. It the least I could do. Besides once again the ex has proven himself to be full of it by sending an email two days after my bday and declaring “I didn’t realize how late in the month it was and I’ve been getting my teeth worked on, so the month got away from me.”. Yeah, right. Is that why a friend of mine called to let me know you were out sucking up with your idea of elite, lit out of your beady little head on my bday? Please, don’t bother if it’s just a continuation of the last ten years.

For the record, I turned 31 this year. Don’t buy it? Fuck you. With love of course. My bday did rock though… Two of my dearest friends sent me the MOST amazing bday gifts. A “liberate the lobsters” scarf, it’s a long story just go with it (I am the founding member of the LLF). Then there was the box packed with goodies. There’s nothing like a box of sumptuous chocolates, candles, soap and a toy that is a mind game to which your evil friend has removed the cheat sheet. HA I finally got it.
The man made me breakfast, took me shopping and to my brothers now defunct magic show. No, he’s not a magician unless you wonder where his teeth went.. Again, piss off it’s with love. The man did fail in one dept. He got me a bloody wild beast! A Bengal. I’m not joking when I say this thing is wretched and will rip your heart out and hand it to you.. Never mind that it’s only 5lbs currently and about 13 weeks old. IT WILL GUT YOU. At first I was so smitten because it looks like sweet emu, wanky eye and all. It even mu legs ya. BUT THAT’S WHERE THE COMPARISONS END. again, it will gut you. To bad it’s so damn cute. Even the king of bitter has more or less accepted it. The pig, she adores it but doesn’t want us to know.. Wallet and the dogs could care less. Pez, well he’s an assassin and may take it out. Being a Beta he may well be able to do it. Go ahead laugh, come on over and have a visit with him, that fish is wicked. In case your wondering, the wild beasts name is marmot, so what, I like animals named after other animals.

Great now the coffee shop smells like dirty diapers! Lady get off your bloody phone! That and the coffee girl just went to shut my shade and I asked her not to, this clearly warrants a look of death! Apparently I am a freak because everyone else was oozing with “oh my, thank you, you’re my hero.. Me, I’m thrilled that it’s grey and wet out and would like to look at it. So, now when I ask for a refill I’ll have to watch her and make sure she doesn’t put rat poison in it. I’m telling you, this is the one starbucks in the WORLD where the help is more bitter than the guest. It’s way worst than L.A. Hard to believe but true.

Posted in emu~turkeys~and life

News Bulletin~ The Packers they gonna bite it!

•February 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Now before ya’ll go hating on me for that statement, please note that I am betting on the Packers. Thus insuring that they will lose. How can I be so bitter (really? you have to ask?)
I want them to win, 50.00 is a months worth of coffee.. well, kinda, if I go all low brow and find myself at Mc Donalds which ain’t gonna happen cuz I don’t own a wig or an outfit that would hide who I really am. That and the specialized plate on the car that screams “Look at Me!!!” Can’t even begin to tell you how many cops and girls have been disappointed when the window slowly roles down to reveal a blond with breast, instead of the anticipated tall handsome guy.. Cops because they really wanna bust my balls only to find that I’m not what they’re expecting, girls, well use your imagination. Cops are lots of fun, generally because I open with the line of “Good afternoon Sir, I have hollow point bullets in the vehicle but I’m pretty sure there’s no weapon.” (No, there’s never a weapon.. come on, I’m the girl that the DEA was all set to hire, even passed the background check, yep, even with my brother in the family, then on the last interview with the big man I asked “I can shoot people in the knee caps right?”) This if generally greeted with “Open the door very slowly and continue to let me see your hands.” hmmm, why don’t they think it’s as funny as I do? either way, I get off every time. (get your mind out of the gutter!) The girls, well if you’re scoping my car because of the plate then you’re obviously a man stealing whore and I DO CARRY A WEAPON!

Any way back to the big day~ It is a well known fact amongst all that have had the joy of spending a Superbowl Sunday with me that no matter which team I’m for.. they’re done for. For a lack of better way to say it “I am the black plague of football.” Honestly, I’m used to it by now, all the loss and heart ache of never winning a Superbowl. Can we say Cleveland Browns fan? Yep, not even a title in my life time. Nope, not even the glimmer of hope, yes, I suppose I could become a Ravens fan, if nothing else just because it’s pretty cool that they chose a giant crow ( i know it’s not really a crow but it makes me happy to think it is!) as a mascot.
Says a lot about a team to use a scavenger for it’s mascot. Perhaps, they should have gone with the Baltimore Turkey Vultures. If they had I’d be a die hard fan for sure. How cool would that be, before every home game they brought out the other teams mascot, gutted it so theirs could swoop down, do that amazing “I am lurch walk” over to the now squished Sea Hawk and begin to yank it to shreds? Now that would be cool. Wait, that would be hockey… Gods gift to us Canadians, (as I see it he owed us something, have you seen Canada in January for fuck sake?)

Happy Super Bowl Sunday.. remember just cuz you lose it doesn’t give you the right to kick your dog.. But if your other half is deserving…..

Posted in emu~turkeys~and life
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life as a shut in~

•February 5, 2011 • 1 Comment

O.k. maybe not but it certainly feels that way.. Between my vehicle sitting in the drive like a ray of sunshine that is hell bent on burning a hole into the atmosphere by not moving and the fact that I’m currently living on about 1/5 of what I was making when I was a member of the regular working class or for that matter as a touring engineer has left me spending a lot of time at home. Alone.. as a functioning shut in! It is by choice to some extent, mainly because I KNOW that I will spend $$ if I even walk out the door. Yes, I’m one of those that thrives on instant gratification by fulfilling myself with soft supple leather purses. Yes, I said leather and not that cheap knock off trash. (Don’t judge, we all have our weaknesses, mine happens to be bags that are worth more than I currently make in a month.) Anyway I digress, as one of my dearest friends knows, I can fill an afternoon sharking Target filling my cart with inane things that I Just have to have, Only to have to drag my sorry arse back to Target to return 90% of it because who really needs another 9.99 throw rug across the floor?

The other issue is that since the great exodus of ’08 (every friend I had decided that they would self destruct should they not get out of here right this second!) I’ve made 0 and I mean zero friends. It’s not for lack of trying but lets face it, I’m a real bitch to deal with and it takes a special kind of person to love me for who I am. Yes, that could mean special in a short bus kind of way.. beggars can’t be choosers. This is not to say that I won’t walk of fire for the friends that I have.. because god knows that I will. The precious few that I have scattered across this world hopefully know that should they find themselves trapped in Barney’s helplessly staring at a Ferragamo bag vs Hermes bag, I’ll be there the first flight out to help! (Please, Hermes is way over rated!!! it’s Ferragamo hands down, again, don’t judge I see you sitting in your closet coveting your shoes..) Or should they find themselves stuck in a studio with no producer or engineer I’m there, free gratis.. This however, is unlikely as for years I’ve hidden all my credits under a fake name because I believed people when they said “If you announce you did it, you’re bragging.. hopefully, I’m the last generation of females that feels the need to hide my successes.. because it’s fucking hard to pull them out and say ~hey, this is me so fuck you! BTW it’s all in the works.. the scorching details..) Again, I digress, here I am, sitting here looking out the window wondering what to do.. If I could find a decent band to join, I would.. And lets just say that I may be the next great american photographer… now to just get the gigs to back it up! (Again, judging is for pussies!!!!)

For those of you wondering yes, I still have my man.. and No, I don’t think that it is his responsibility to humour me 24/7. Well, yes, it is his job but you know even that gets old! And the cats, well the damn cats, all they do is run around the house rioting and tearing the place up! ah, lovely rain!Dogs, if something wants to be near you that much for no apparent reason, they must be warped!

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