Dreamer90's Blog

Yes another blog what a shock. I really hope you like this one.

So summer has started. The sun is beating down hard, the humidity sucks, and there is nothing to do. Well at least there is nothing to do for me. I have been stuck at home and Im dieing here lol. Anyway to get to what I have been to write about. ^-^

Perfect.  Definition: “without faults. Without errors, flaws, or faults. Complete and whole. Complete and lacking nothing essential. Excellent or ideal. Excellent or ideal in every way.” The song “F!#$ing Perfect” by Pink has been playing none stop for the past couple months on the radio. When I heard it the first time I fell in love with it. I mean hello, what girl wouldn’t fall in love with this song. But shortly after the 150 thousand time hearing it, I got sick of it. Every time it came up on my MP3 player I would change it. Well for the past couple of days I have been feeling frustrated with myself, so I turn on my MP3 player and what song comes up first?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  That song. And that’s why Im blogging write now. What makes us perfect? We are all imperfect people, but in Pinks song it says that we are perfect. In her song lyrics is says that our weaknesses is what makes us perfect. Are we perfect for having flaws or is it perfect that someone will love you even with those flaws? Women having flaws just proves that we aren’t perfect. Some of us maybe heavier then others while some girls are skinner. Some may have perfect boobs while some others may lack in that category, but that’s what makes us different. We weren’t all suppose to be model skinny or have the perfect skin, but being ourselves and being ok with yourself is what makes you beautiful inside and out. Having someone love you for who you are, is a magically thing. That proves that he knows you have flaws and he still thinks you’re an amazing person to be with. It also proves that he knows that he has flaws too. That he isn’t perfect either. Knowing that they are both imperfect makes them perfect together. No one should judge other people for the way the look fat or skinny, big boobs or small boobs, green or brown eyes. Pink is right in the song. If you just show the true beautiful you then it will show on the outside too. Just be you ❤

Here’s a quote I found that I really like. “I’m not a perfect girl. My hair doesn’t always stay in place. I spill a lot of things and I’m pretty clumsy. But when I think about it and I take a step back I remember how amazing my life truly is and that maybe….I like being imperfect.”

So yes another blog and more people are reading it!!!!!! That makes me happy inside ^-^

So here is an update on everything. Summer is coming up and that means I lose my job until August when school starts back up. Which sucks, but all well. I will try to survive a couple of months of no work lol. Goodness gracious just thinking about it making me nervous xD!!! The kids are driving me nuts, but that’s because the summer is calling them to go out and play. Which I don’t blame them I mean HELLO!!! ITS SUMMER VACATION BABY!!!! I cant wait either lol. But probably Im going to be trying to clean my room. Its so small, but it never seems to stay or get cleaned xD! Lets just pray I make it this summer ^-^.

So I got a question for all of ya’ll girls out there. What do you do if one of your guy friends is in love with you and they put you on the spot as the bad guy in front of your other friends and they choice his side and you have done nothing wrong? That is my predicament. Ok so there is this guy named (code name DEAN). We have been friends for a few months and everything has been going ok. We kissed a couple of times, but I feel no connection to him, but I didn’t say anything for a like a week cause I was afraid of hurting him. Which was stupid of me. I told him we were rushing things and I just wanted to be friends and if we got together then it will happen on its own term. He keeped saying he would wait for me even though we both agreed that we could see and date other people. Well I have a little tiny crush on this one dude named(code name JOEL). Nothing serious, but somehow DEAN took it seriously. Here’s what happened. Me and my friends were all hanging out just chillen when all of a sudden one of my new friends started asking me random and serious questions. Examples: “Can you see you and JOEL getting married? Can you see him in your life? What would happen if he didn’t like you?” Im like wwwwwooooooaaaaaahhh there! Its way to early for any of this. Then she’s like “Can you see ever giving DEAN a chance? He is such a sweet and nice guy. I don’t know why you wont give him a chance.” This 15 year-old girl is giving me hell for a subject that has already been squished. I should have something to tell her to stop but
I just walked out of the room. In the end Im getting blamed that Im somehow yanking this guy around like a puppet and getting him mad because I have a little crush on another dude. HE CRIED!!!!!!!!! Like pouring tears and everything!!!!! He’s 19!!!!! Just because I don’t like him back. And I get blamed for not liking him….?

It makes me mad and sad at the end of this. It seems that nobody understand where Im coming from. I have been through so much to learn how to get over things easier. Where DEAN is a rookie. Im the second girl he has ever kissed and somehow Im the love of his life? Its like are you going to be this way for the rest of the time we will be hanging out as friends? A Jealous bastard that cant get over himself? In the end Im the left hurting more then DEAN. Its hard sometimes feeling the way I do. Its like having an ice box around my heart and I don’t know how to fix that. God’s the only one to help me with this feeling and nobody seems to get that. It’s like they see me, but they don’t. They know me, but they don’t. Im looking at the mirror and asking myself, do they love me or my reflection of the person I want to be?

*sings* I’ve been looking in the mirror for so long. That I’ve come to believe my souls on the other side…………….I know the difference, Between myself and my reflection. I just can’t help but to wonder, Which of us do you love?

Yet another blog was made by me. But I don’t think people really care. All well I do it anyway ^-^

So a couple of days ago I started my little vacation from work called SPRING BREAK BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But so far it has been quite boring. Well other then the weekend but that doesn’t count as vacation time since Im already off on Saturdays and Sundays xD!! Today was Monday and it was ok. Cleaned dishes for my ma which I love cleaning dishes. And no not in a washing machine, I use my hands ;). LOL I make myself laugh sometimes. So lets get onto the main topic….

I don’t understand a lot of things in life. Which is understandable since life is all about learning. But what I don’t understand is my LOVE life. Yes it is quite pathetic but I live with it lol. Lately I have been getting this strong feeling of loneliness. I mean Im with my friends, so Im not technically alone, but I guess that feeling of being with someone special. Its like somehow in my love life Im supposed to get the freaking short end of the stick or the smallest straw in the bunch when picked. So close I can breathe them in but so far from their touch. Why? Why is my life like that? It seems like it has always been that way for me. How come my friends can find a guy and be in love and not me? Why can I have my fairytale come true? At one point in time I thought my fairytale was coming true. Had the man of my life in my heart, a house we could have called our own, almost a ring on my finger that could tie it all together, but was shot down like an arrow to a apple. It was like a beautiful dream turning into a horrendous nightmare. It broke my heart to know that it had to be this way. To move on without him in my world. To know that I might always be alone and that God wants me to stay that way. I always thought that there someone for everyone in this crazy universe, but I know people that are high in age and are still alone. What if Im going to be one of them? What if loneliness is in my destiny? Im only 20 turning 21 and I feel like Im giving up on my love life for good. Man Im so emo lmao. Maybe next time my blog will be more fun but for now the ending credits belong to Nelly lol. Actually listen to the “Just A Dream” by Nelly – Sam Tsui & Christina Grimmie on youtube. They do it way better lol.

*sings* I was thinking about you. Thinking about me. Thinking about us. What we gonna be. Open my eyes. It was only just a dream. Travel back down that road. Will ya come back? No one knows. I realize it was only just a dream.

Wow I just wrote a whole entire blog and I just erased it all because I didn’t like what I wrote……..Man I have issues xD.

So let me update so that I can get to the juicy stuff ;). Work is still boring. Nothing really happening there that is unusual. Yoseph is better. Sortof lol. He is still the same little trouble maker but this time in his life he doesn’t want to get into trouble anymore. What a shocker! ^0^!!!!!  The rest of my kids are doing great. Home is home. What else can I say about that? So onto the stuff I wanted to talk about…….

Fear.  Definitions: “an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.” “an idea, thought, or other entity that causes feelings of fear.” “a concern about something that threatens to bring bad news or results.” Everybody fears something. Nobody is immune to the feelings of fear. I have noticed lately that I’m afraid of a lot of things. Spiders, heights, birds(long story lol), people(I don’t know why lol), and now apparently commitment/guys. Why am I so weird?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Its like I want to be with someone special, but then I don’t want to be with them at all. Like there is this one guy, lets name him PIT, he liked me a lot. He’s a sweet guy and really funny. I liked him, but I just didn’t want to go any farther then that. Its like you stay there ———–à and I will be right here ^-^. WHATS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!?!?! Here is a perfectly good guy and I rather be all alone by myself…..I’m such a loser -_-. But it was for the better. He needs to find someone that is ready to be with him or be in a relationship period. Instead of waiting for someone that is so confused about their life and guys. Maybe I’m scared. This brings me back to the subject of fear, the fear inside me. I’m scared of disappointing people. I’m scared I’m not good enough for people. I’m scared that my past might always haunt me. I’m scared that I won’t conquer the fear of my past. I’m scared of always being alone. Man I’m such a baby lol. It doesn’t help when lately all I can think about is my EX. How he made love him so much, how he made those butterflies go crazy in the pit of my stomach, how I can somehow smell his scent out of nowhere….But he was a jerk in the end. I just need to keep my head up high and my head clear of thoughts of him. In the end, am I living in fear? Am I keeping myself sheltered from this world, even though its not the worlds choice between good and bad, but mine? So many questions, but so little time.

*sings* What I need now. What I need is to live to hide. When you smothered my devotions with your lies. And I feel now. As I did that time. That I’m wondering why still I make you cry.

Wow is seems like forever since the last time I blogged. Well maybe because it has been forever xD. But anyway I had a wicked urge to blog and so here I am. About to blog about the past, present, and future ^-^.

So maybe the last time I blogged I had a bf. I cant remember so that’s why Im saying maybe lol. Well I am happily single and loving it….somewhat lol. I like being single don’t get me wrong about that. Knowing that you don’t have to worry about that relationship working or not is a wonder in itself. And having feelings are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO over rated. Since now and days all you need to do is procreate to make sure your legacy goes on without having icky feelings being involved. But there are some things about being single that does suck. Knowing that your alone without someone being there for you, knowing that you don’t need to text or call anyone to make sure they know that your still alive, knowing that valentines day will always be a bore, knowing that the only arms you can run to is your dads when you think the world is ending…..thats only if your close with your dad like I am. Wow just talking about this is making me sad xD. Next subject!

Im still working at that same school as a after-care teacher. And yes, surprisingly I still love my job. Some days lol. It can be a handful sometimes but its worth it. And when you get a nice pay check every two weeks? Yeah I aint complaining lol. I was asked to come back next year for the new school year so Im excited I made a good impression on my boss to keep me there ^-^. But I have to find another job during the summer. Yeah I aint looking forward to that at all. But God will lead me to that opportunity hopefully soon xD.

I cant remember why I wanted to blog….Oh! Now I think I remember. So one of my friends, nicknamed Hunny Bunches, gets teased quite often. She is a funny, beautiful person inside and out. She’s still young and has a full life to look forward too, but whats brining her down is people pushing and pulling her down. Teasing and bullying is such a wrong thing to do. I know. I was teased and bullied through out high school and that made me go into depression. Im still trying to get out of depression and I don’t want her to go through what I had to go through. Stay strong Hunny Bunches.

*sings* Who says! Who says you’re not perfect, who says you’re not worth it. Who says you’re the only one that’s hurting. Trust me that’s the price of beauty. Who says you’re not pretty, who says you’re not beautiful. Who says!………………”Who Says” by Selena Gomez & the scene

Hey peoples whats up? Yeah it has been a LONG time since the last time I wrote but I just haven’t been motivated to do anything. But the end of the year is here again and I want to write what this year has been.

Lets see…where should I start. I graduated from high school this year. Finally! That part took forever. But that meant getting a job and I wasn’t a happy camper about that. That summer I learned who my real friends were. It sucked because I lost a lot of people that I thought were real but Im also glad because I don’t need a lot of friends to be happy. I just need the few that are there for me. I got my first job this year! Yep, getting in some money finally lol. Im a aftercare teacher. Its like babysitting on steroids xD. It can be frustrating sometimes but I love my kids. They are all very unique in their own ways. I also fell in love, which I sometimes I wish I didn’t. One minute all I can think about is him and how much I love him but then next I just want to hit him with a brick. Im still single but my heart still belongs to him. CURSE YOU HEART!!!!! That’s why Im writing this blog. I am alone this new years and have nothing else better to do. Everybody is doing something with someone else and Im here. All alone. Man if I could I would drink myself into a coma for new years. But the only thing that’s hard enough for a drink in egg nog. I really do need a drink lol.

For the new years revolution thingy Im going to try harder on getting my drivers license. I need to drive lol. I also need to find a husband as what my mom wants me to do. Im going to get fit! Well hopefully I will. Im going to join a gym with my sister.  I also want to find another job I can work part time at, but for now Im killing loneliness with HIM and hearing echos with Gorilla Zoe.

HIM: “With the venomous kiss you gave me I’m killing loneliness (Killing loneliness) With the warmth of your arms you saved me, Oh, I’m killing loneliness with you I’m killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb I’m killing loneliness”

Gorilla Zoe: “Echos! E-echos! And I’m gone And you’re all alone Can’t you hear the hear the Echos! E-echos! No one to hear you There’s nobody near you”

Have a good New Years

Yes I know you must be quite upset that I havent updated anything since the last time I have posted which was forever ago but I have been busy with what its so called….LIFE. And it has been quite difficult lately. And now I will tell you why…….^-^

Ok so since like mid last week my glands on my neck were highly swollen. Which tells me that Im about to get sick. I never get sick, but when I do it hits me hard. So Im slowly getting more and more sick. By that Friday my throat is hurting and Im loosing my voice and yet I still played volleyball. Old School facillty VS. Evangels Varsity Vball Team. Yeah we totally lost but it was alot of fun and I made friends with the other teachers I never talked to before ^-^. But man it just made me worse. The next day I lost my voice completley. I sounded like a dieing horse lol. Boogers were shooting our of my noise. Sneazing and coughing every breath I take. I was dieing lol. So since saturday night, I have downed a whole bottle of childerens cold and cough medicence all by myself. Yeah I only got a little better. My voice is slitley back but other then that Im still dieing xD!!!!

Work still sucks. Little kids everywhere, but man theses last few weeks I have been bit more then I thought I would ever be bit by a three year-old! lol Like no joke! One minute evrything is fine and then the next Yoseph decideds to throw a temper tantrum which results in a struggle in putting him in time out which in the end I get bit. SMH these kids theses days. But Im alive arent I?

I love my bf to death. He is my everything, but it seems that he is slowly going away. Like before we were together he use to try to make time to talk to me for hours on end. And now we barely talk 20 mins. He rather stay up with his friends and play games then call his gf to tell her your still alive. I dont even think he knows how much it hurts that he isnt here with me. We have talked about talking more together but it seems like its not gettting through his thick skull. SMH I know its long distance but I thought we could do it. Can we really……????

*sings* Im so cold, So co co cold, Wrap your arms around me, Will you hold me tightly?, Its way to cold, So co co cold, Baby its freezing, Dont say you leaving, Im getting cold………Alex Young “Cold”

Yes it has been awhile…..like I said before…..since I have wrote a blog. BUT!!!!!!!!! Now heres another one ^-^

I have been quite busy with work lately. Somehow our class keeps gettting bigger and bigger everyday. First we started out with 13, then went to 16, and now magicly we are up to 18! Get up to 20 and we will be needing another teacher. I got bit a couple of days ago! Boy did I want to smack that little boy in the face. Trust me it took everything in me not to do it. But he did get a good long 20 min time out. Of course there parents arent doing anything about this because the next day he bit another kid on the arm. SMH kids this days and their parents.

So I have a wonderful boyfriend. He is everything I want and need in a man. But right now everything is in a giant confusing maze. You want to know why? Because, yesterday I get on facebook and I find out the first guy I have ever liked got a facebook. It has been about 10 years since the last time I saw him. One minute we are telling eachother on the bus ride home from the skii trip that we like eachother, then the next thing you know he says he is moving. That was a f*cked up move right there lol. Its so scary because now when are talking, it brings back soooo many feelings back and honestly I dont want to feel that way. Tevin has been there for me for years. Yes he has hurt me too but I hurt him too.  Then Chaz comes out of nowhere brining back old feelings. This just sucks majorly. My friend Rob told me to follow my heart, but my heart is confused.

*sings* It’s in the blood, It’s in the blood. I met my love before I was born. He wanted love, I taste of blood. He bit my lip, and drank my warmth, From years before, from years before………AFI “Love Like Winter”

Ok so I know it has been awhile since the last time I wrote, but I have been busy!!! With what…? I have not a clue lol But lets bring you up to date shall we ^-^

So last night I got a text from somebody I stopped talking to. *COUGH COUGH* Nikki…*COUGH COUGH*. Sorry I something in my throat :P. But anyway, she texted me. Like I said before, I stopped talking to her because she was a bitch. Her text said, “So you hate me right?” I busted out laughing xD!!!!! Its like duh! Of course I hate you ^-^. Smh I crack myself up sometimes. Oh, I ignored her text by the way lol.

So Halloween is coming up and I have no clue what Im doing this year. I did want to go trick-or-treating with my friends, but they decided to go to Kings Domimon(yeah I suck at spelling xD!!!!) for the Halloween Haunt. I want go really bad since I never have been there for Halloween but then I dont because of the rides. I mean I like some of the rides there but Im terrified of heights. Last time I went on a high roller-coaster I had a panic attack and almost died because I was pressured to go on it by friends. Which now if I think about it, it was Tevin the pressured me…Wow my bf almost killed me lmao!!!! Anyway, my friend Marie wants me to go on the high rides with her and her friends which I dont even think they like me. She says I need to live life. I go on those rides Im going to lose my life lol. Yeah Im not going. So I just might go trick-or-treating with my family, but I dont know for sure.

So I have bf now. A lovely new boy toy ;). Nah Tevin isnt like that at all to me. Ok so me and Tevin have known eachother since the 4th grade, but we became best friends in the 8th grade. We dated on and off for a couple of years. The reason why  it never worked was because we were both immature and we didnt know what we wanted. I also was hooked up on someone else at that time so if I wanted to be with Tevin then I want to put my all into the relationship. So one day after a year of no talking he messaged me just wanting to talk. Well we started talking. And we talked more and more. Some conversations actually have lasted up to 4 hours! Yeah sorry mom with that bill lol. He is finishing up college in Florida so I only get to see him on the holidays which sucks because I miss him alot. We havent been able to talk alot lately because of my work and his work and school. But him saying that he loves me in a text everyday before he goes to work, makes me feel loved. ^-^

*sings* quiero volverte a ver,  para calmar mi sed, un dia sin ti sin ti, es como un año sin ver llover, si escapas otra vez, no sobrevivire, un dia sin ti, es como un año sin ver llo…veeeeer, oohh oohh, wooo… wooo …,…oohh … Oohh

In English lol. *sings* I’m missing you so much, Can’t help it, I’m in love, A day without you is like a year without rain, I need you by my side, Don’t know how I’ll survive,  A day without you is like a year without rain, Ohhohoh, Woooaaahh woaahh

Ok so I know I havent updated in freakin forever, but guess what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?! IM BBBBBBAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

Ok so I have started a job and it is awesome! Well sometimes it is :P. I work with little kids. I watch them until their parents come and pick them up from school. Its like EXTREME BABYSITTING on steriods lol. But I love my kids. Well sometimes. I wouldnt change any of them. Well thats another lie some of them can stay home for life for all I care lol.

So here is the real juicy gossip. Well this is all my juicy gossip I have lol. Well remember that girl Nikki I talked about before? The one that went out with my ex. when I just broke up with him? Yeah well I totally got sick and tired of her. She just keeps saying shit behind peoples backs and I dont put up with that at all. I mean its high school stuff. Im an adult, why should I care about what your saying to me? Your still in high school so stfp! But anyway, like a 2 weeks ago I went to my friend Maries house, but later she had to go to work. Which meant I either stayed at home with Gpa or I hang out at the mall until she is donw with work. So I called all my friends and none of them could come out. So I was left to call Nikki. She said she could and so we are all on our way to the mall. Me and Nikki meet up at the mall and we start chilling even though I really didnt want to see her at all. So we started talkin and I finally cracked. What I said “Nikki you know whay she doesnt like you?” She looked at me but I said nothing. Then she was like “Tell me what you were about to say. Finish what you started!” So I finished, ” Because your a bitch Nikki!” Yeah ever since then she hasnt texted me XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah I wasnt putting up with it anymore.

So in other news, my old best friend Tevin started talking to me again. We have been friends since the 4th grade. We dated but that ended horribly. He went to college and we stopped talking. He started talkin to me again. Its weird…..I mean my sister keeps saying that he is the one for me but I really dont think so. Last time she pushed me into datin him it ended horribly. I rather not go through that again.

But with all this stuff thats going on, the only thing I want to do is…….THROW GLITTER IN THE AIR AND PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*blares and sings” There’s a place downtown, Where the freaks all come around. It’s a hole in the wall. It’s a dirty free for all. And they turn me on. When they Take It Off. When they Take It Off. Everybody Take It Off. There’s a place I know If you’re looking for a show. Where they go hardcore And there’s glitter on the floor. And they turn me on. When they Take It Off. When they Take It Off. Everybody Take It Off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     *throws glitter in the air*