a faulty camera in our minds

Does the universe really connect?
Or perhaps we tend to choose what our hearts want to believe.

Returning to my safe space brought back a mix of feelings and an odd realisation that however old I feel, some things still don’t change.
How my inner soul falls back on music, this hopeless emo soul should grow up and wisen up.
These songs that I hold on to, never really changed, despite a different time and age, they still strike something strongly inside.

I had a super day last week because of 2 gifts – 1. A dear friend gave me a book, not any book but it was a medical memoir by Adam Kay. The very genre I love. 2. A very positive feedback from my boss, sharing that she would push for my promotion next year.

Number 1 made me feel really appreciated because I hesitated giving her a book I bought which I worried was too depressing. Not only did she not make me feel bad about it, she actually reciprocated and returned a gift, which was a very sweet and meaningful one.

Number 2 came as a surprise. I’ve been through the cycle of asking and pinning hopes on it then disappointed and finally resigned to fate. Now, I’m not sure if fate wants to play out a cruel joke to drag me through that cycle again. We shall see. But I guess I’m going nowhere for now.

Recently, I’m diverting the distraction to more meaningful pursuits – reading, volunteering (please take me in!!) and exercising!! (Hoping to try a new weekly routine)

Sometimes, I really miss blogging. There is a relief from penning down inner thoughts and it’s always interesting to recap old posts.  I tend to forget these past thoughts and commitments I made.

A lot of the joy probably came from receiving from friends – I came to realise I haven’t actually had friends gifting me something for a really long time. It could be guilt talking to me right now but I truly think giving is both ways and I definitely didn’t invest enough into friendships and this is what I end up with.

I have now made a conscious effort to invest more in maintaining my friendships and being open to finding more friends I can relate to.

Well, time is precious in so many ways. I often face the dilemma of having too many wants and wishes but too little time – bad time organisation? or too many competing priorities? It’s often down to a choice, when choosing a particular person/activity means a sacrifice of the other.

This game of life, I’m still learning to play.

when one door closes, another new one opens.

i’m excited at the opportunity and prospect. let’s make this work!

today i just feel like wallowing in self-pity and sadness. i know there is always a lot to be thankful for and i truly am. but today, i will allow myself to indulge in my misery.

do you also have days like these?

imagine dragons, please take over my emptiness tonight.

there is no reward for the undeserving but i can’t help the soreness and irrationality.

“When breath becomes air” puts life into perspective. It forces reflection and made me think about big questions like “what’s the meaning of our lives?” “What drives me?” “What more can we do with the precious years we are blessed to have and not waste it in selfish pursuits or lose ourselves in an aimless daily grind?”

Suddenly, I feel like a tiny molecule in this universe and a sense of unworthiness that my existence (or non existence) would not have made any difference in the larger scheme of things. There is a desire to do good and make a bigger impact — help the poor, comfort the sick, inspire and teach the youths. But is social work the answer to my big life question?

I am beginning to realise this is our own quest and journey – to first ask these questions, then make effort to seek our answers and we will eventually find ourselves carving a path that brings colour and purpose.

I want to find that path and start living with a purpose and a relentless drive, not just pursuing a paycheck or the holidays or beautiful clothes, but knowing how my existence can make an impact to the world and make that difference to others.