I’ve sold a piece of art.
Mine.
It’s fucking weird. Someone actually wanted it and bought it even though they could have tried to do it themselves.
My inner child feels so confused and the adult in me is not fully sure if she should feel this way.
Uh, guess it may not be too late to fulfill a childhood dream.
Another year, a new me or whatever people keep saying when a new year starts.
You know what I want? To be skinny again. There, I said it. I want to be skinny and fit in size 10 clothes again. You know, the ones that I saved just in case I lost the weight and now live under the bed.
Oh, no, actually I have a better one. I want to not be gluten intolerant! Even weight loss would be easier if you could bloody eat whatever recipes people come up with.
Hmm, or should I say not gluten intolerant and endometriosis? Eh ,pick one. At this point either would be great.
It’s January so I’m 35. Yeeeeeeyyy . And to think I was like 19 when I started this blog… Pff…
Oh, and therapy works and I don’t want to divorce my husband anymore every few days. So that’s that.
Surprise surprise. We had a bit of a tiff again.
Let me set the context. Tomorrow we’re flying to Romania for two weeks. This has been booked since like February as tickets were cheap.
Initially we just had conversations around January that we need to book flights and time off so our parents can spend time with our daughter. I also expressed my desire to go to the doctor as it will fast track a lot of the things I want to find out as my health is still shit.
First argument happened then in February as he didn’t want to spend the money even though it was cheap for all three of us. He wanted to wait, which everyone and their grandma knows that prices will increase. So after a bit of fine, do whatever you want from him I bought them. With my own money mind you.
Since then every time we have our chats about money he throws this trip in my face. Oh we could have paid the credit card,but no, we have to go to Romania.
Every time I remind him that I need and want to go to the doctors. I can’t really leave him alone for two weeks to parent solo, and then he won’t be happy if I take our child with me either. So I can’t win. Offered to change the tickets, lose the money etc.
Yesterday he expressed his opinion again, that he’s still not happy and that the trip is a mistake. Yes, he used the word mistake.
I brought to his attention that his choice of words makes me feel like I don’t matter considering the point of the trip.
His response: why do I have to make it personal?
For fucks sake. How else am I supposed to take it? You’ve nagged and moaned all the time about it, throwing it into my face.
He also was supposed to book an appointment with the dentist. He hasn’t done it and I bet he won’t even go. I’m not gonna bother even mentioning it.
And if needed for the doctors, I’d rather borrow money from my dad than ask him. I don’t want him to hold it over my head even more for this trip.
Ha, that will be an interesting conversation with my dad. Yeah, we do have money, but he has them and I don’t want to ask him for it.
Fuck it.
We did have a conversation in the end. Not an easy one. We did come to an agreement on how to approach some things, but for the life of me I can’t remember the exact wording of it. But it is basically like warning the other when we want to do something. Meh. Sometimes works, sometimes it doesn’t.
We did go on holiday, lovely place, food and weather. Too bad I got sick and it ended up being Covid. Which seems that I got it from work the day before my annual leave. Should I say that I am literally in the office only one day per week? What were the odds. But yeah, it sucked. And the flight back was horrible for my ears. At least the mask helped with my cough and snot.
Otherwise… I am in a weird mood. But then again this weather is not helping. While the rest of Europe has high temperatures, we have the pleasure of rain and 18-19 degrees.
So yeah, July so far is a bit of a washout for me.
Call me naive, but I really thought things were improving. And they did for a short while. I mean, I wasn’t a fan of the scheduled sex and hated that I sometimes had to force myself to be affectionate. However, it started to feel more natural, easier, at some point.
Now? We haven’t spoken in the last few days unless it’s about necessities. As in, “Please pick up the child from nursery” and “What do you want to eat?” / “Thanks for taking the trash out.” And no, I don’t want to have sex with him when we are like this.
I’m starting to wonder if I have narcissistic tendencies, or if we just gaslight each other constantly. Is it a problem with me? Is it actually him? Or maybe it’s both? Fuck if I know. Our biggest fights have always been started by him, with a comment or observation that I didn’t like or that I took offense to. He then gets upset because I get angry. Apparently, in his view, this means he can’t express his opinion anymore without offending me. If I retaliate, of course he gets upset too by my comments.
I am so fed up by the usual money comments and stupid jokes that he knows I don’t like. Back in November after another big conversation/ argument I found out that he doesn’t really see the money as our money. More like his money and my money. And if he needs to contribute more when I’m running out of money he gets frustrated and that he feels used. Bear in mind he earns a lot more than me. Yes, his own childhood trauma comes into play as mine does too, but damn that stung. It’s literally like if we are going on holiday of course everything will be paid from his savings as he has the disposable income. I even asked him, does this mean that you feel like I would be taking advantage of you? He couldn’t give me an answer back then on the spot. At least I started my own savings following that. Have I spent most of it already for something in the house so I don’t have to ask him for money, of course.
I know I am not entitled to his money, don’t get me wrong. I just had another idea in my mind considering we are married and have a child. And no, I never had the idea that my money is my money and his money is our money. It was just ours, all of it.
What sparked the argument this time? I had to take the cat to the vet as she was stumbling and having problems with her back legs. He wisely stayed silent at first, knowing I would take her regardless of his opinion. Oh no, the comments started after I came back with the vet bill. I paid it with my own credit card, something that wouldn’t affect him in the slightest. Of course, he had to make a snide remark about money. And then later saying something stupid like “you’re taking more care of the cat than your own kid.” That was completely out of line. I’m sorry for being scared and wanting to help the cat. It’s not like I ignored my child. I was still the one who made dinner, fed her that evening, and did bedtime.
We didn’t have our scheduled sex prior to this as his mom is here for three weeks, plus that I have been in constant pain for like the last week due to an endo flare up. I made a comment remarking how he is always more prone to arguments if he is not fucked and of course he got offended. I am sorry, but it’s a pattern already.
So yeah, we are not talking. I think he is waiting for me to make the first step, but I really don’t want to. I don’t want to be the bigger person right now. Even more after the latest comment of ‘ you’re killing the cat with this medication’. Thanks for saying that. No ‘ Oh, by the way I think the dose is too much for the cat as she did x and y’, nooo, straight to you’re killing her. Great way to play into my anxiety and fear making me feel stupid.
Maybe I truly am the problem in this relationship. Maybe I am too sensitive. Too easy to rile up. Too easy to get offended. I don’t even know anymore.
Springtime unfailingly triggers a wave of reminiscing, tied to a song that once (and still does) hold immense power over me.
I am missing my youth and the silly worries that I had the time, that didn’t feel like silly but quite tragic and serious. Motherhood and the daily grind have left me searching for the pieces of myself I feel I’ve lost.
I want to travel more, I want to experience more but then again, money. To save or spend. To stay home or go out and so on.
It was easier before. Before a child, before marriage, before trying to maintain or save a relationship.
We had a ‘come to Jesus talk’ roughly three weeks ago. He said he wasn’t happy, I said I wasn’t happy either and so on. Literally we are on the path to divorce if we are not trying to change and stop acting like housemates.
The hard part is that I don’t see him as my sexual/ romantic partner anymore. Every argument, every thing that built resentment in me has added up over the years and literally gave me the ick. I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to kiss him. Intimacy has become a chore, devoid of the affection that once came naturally. It got to the point I don’t enjoy sex anymore. I don’t feel anything anymore besides the motions.
That’s sad, isn’t? Especially considering how much of a sexual person I was.
I am 34 years old in a 10 year relationship and we are at the point that we are scheduling sex to try and save our marriage. Plus other bits of course.
Fuck me.
Dreams and secrets 