Dunkdunk di sini, di sono, dan di mana-mana…

Nobody likes goodbyes. Nobody likes separation from their loved ones or their good mates or anything that’s good or nice or comfortable for them. And yet for these past few months, I’ve said goodbyes for many times.

I heard some people say that goodbyes can make you stronger, and I guess it’s because you are forced to survive after you lost something. But I do believe that goodbyes are for the good of everyone. For the ones that are being left, it means that it’s time to be even more stronger and also to get some new friends. And for the ones that left, it means that they are in search of new adventures, new experience and also new friends. Maybe in the process, there will be some sadness, some tears, or perhaps some anger, but in the end, time will be the one that heals.

These goodbyes that I had, they were so many but I’d go for friends this time. There were 3 good friends leaving Singapore (for good?). And each of them means something for me.

Let’s do some reminiscing.

Last year in August, there’s a very good dearest friend left to seek for new adventure in a country in the continent of Europe. The farewell was simple, just like she is. Closest friends gathered together for some drinks and then all of us headed home. She was staying with me at that time, so it was time for last minute packing. Then in the morning, there were three of us sending her off at the airport. I was sad with the thoughts it would be a looooong time before I’d get to see her again. And when we hugged, I kinda thought that it was the first time we really did hug for a goodbye though it wasn’t our first goodbye too (we did have several goodbyes before).  I did feel like crying that time, but I knew that she wouldn’t like it, so I really really tried not to and I really didn’t cry!

The second goodbye on September (if I’m not mistaken) was to someone that I just knew. He was here only for few months, but somehow someway since he was a friend of my flatmate, we often hang out together, for drinks, for card game, for board game. So we did get quite close. He left Singapore because apparently he didn’t really like it here. Oh well, people have the rights for their own opinion, so then he left. Another farewell was set. A nice dinner, followed by going to Esplanade and just sat on the bench by the river. Enjoying the view of Singapore’s CBD at his last night. Then the next day we didn’t send him off at the airport, well, it was a Monday at 2 PM. He himself chose the time. Maybe he didn’t want anyone to send him off. Worried that everyone might get to see him cry or something. =P

The last goodbye was just last Sunday. Another friend leaving for Europe. Well, actually he’s at Indonesia now, but he’ll be leaving for Europe next month. And again he was someone that I knew for now so long a time. Guess we started to hang out together quite often since we found out we had a same hobby which is KARAOKE!! The last months we met quite often (aside from 2 months I was at my hometown), for dinner, movies, yoga (dr. Chandran~!!), karaoke (of course~!!), oh and there was a night last week on Chinese New Year’s days that I think I will not forget it for a looong time (Hahaha~!). Some funny and exciting memories we have~!!
Another farewell was done, one drinking session at Indochine, supper at McD, last minute packing at his house, breakfast at Changi, then it was ended with another goodbye hug for another friend. And I believe I’m getting good at goodbyes, because I really could hold my tears this time. =P

Hmm… tat’s all folks!

3 good friends. and with 2 of them it feels like they’re still close coz we often IM each other. I can’t speak for the last one since now he’s at his beloved hometown that’s quite secluded so that I’m not sure it already has internet connection (Haha~!! =P )

I do miss them all. I miss the time all of us could hang out together. I wish that someday in the future, we will get the chance to get together, hang out, just like the old times. 😉

Last week I went to Jakarta to accompany my mom who was about to go to see doctor and also undergo an operation, then dunno why, on the way there and back, I thought about my dad. He passed away more than 12 years ago. I don’t have many special/memorable memories about him. He was busy with his hobby which was taking care his pet birds. His hobby had been his #1 priority and it was also one thing that I didn’t like about him.

My dad was a cheerful man. He loved making jokes. And since I was born 5 years after he married to my mom, during that time trying to conceive me, he was also close with my cousins. And I suppose he loved them like his own kids as he didn’t have me yet.

I always loved when he made jokes and told me bedtime stories. His stories were always about “si kancil” (mouse deer), but not only “si kancil nyolong timun” (a children’s folk tale about a mouse deer who steals cucumbers), he could make up stories with his creativity so that “si kancil” could do more than just stealing cucumbers. And since his stories were never the same each time, I always looked forward to a new and interesting “kancil” stories.

I learned how to make a nice coffee with milk from my dad. Sometimes, when I was too lazy to make my own, I would steal a few sips from his gigantic mug (he always had his coffee (with/without milk) in his gigantic mug). Hmm, I guess that was the beginning of my liking coffee.

On my birthday, he seldom buy me presents and just gave me money instead. But he didn’t give me just like that, he would wrap it in his special way so that it would be interesting and exciting for me to open it up.

I never consider myself close with my dad. It often happened that I was jealous of my cousins that seemed to be closer to him than me to him. In my little kid eyes, I saw that my dad was so ‘clicked’ with my cousin in sharing jokes or anything, and it made me feel left out. As much as I tried to be close to him, it never worked.

One special moment that I could remember, was when my family had a trip to Jakarta. My dad had never been to Sea World, but my mom and I had. So to save up money, my mom asked me to accompany my dad. Honestly, I was not in the mood to see fishes (I’m not a fish person). But since my mom told me that my dad liked fishes, so I tried to cheer myself up and set my spirit high to accompany him. I showed my dad all the interesting fishes, we saw all the aquariums, went through the underwater escalator, I made sure that my dad saw all the fishes and all interesting sea creatures. Then after that, at the gift shop, I browsed through the soft toys (I was a a kid and I loved soft toys!). Suddenly, my dad bought me a white and cute seagull soft toys. And well since I was a kid, I didn’t think anything else and just accepted it happily. But that night, my mom told me that my dad was very happy that I accompanied him. He was touched that I was so full of spirit and excited when showing him around. I never thought that my small action could mean so much to him. And that time I just felt that we were so close than before.

That trip was the last trip our family went with its full member. My dad had a heart attack not long after that. Leaving me and my mom all alone. And sometimes, I’m angry for him leaving us when I was just started my youth. His death changed a lot of things.

i had quite a bad debate last nite with mba angzas.

dimulai dr pembicaraan resep makanan, lanjut ke gue yg picky ttg makanan, n lanjut lagi ke masalah didikan (ortu, lingkungan, guru, temen) yg membuat gue jadi picky krn gue dimanjain dr kecil n krn gue anak tunggal jadi ga ada acara rebutan ma orang laen jadi nya gue seenak jidat milih2 makanan gue.

nyokap dr gue kecil sering sodorin sgala macem makanan di depan idung gue, niat hati spy gue mo cobain n jadi suka. dan sperti pada umumnya anak kecil, gue suka nya makan daging. cm ada tambahan gue ga suka lemak. tapi sperti anak kecil pada umumnya, gue jg mood2an, kl gue lg mood coba ya gue coba, kl kaga ya kaga. ada saat2 di mana gue bisa dirayu utk cobain, ada saat2 di mana gue kaga bisa dirayu. dan ditambah lagi gue tu ada sifat keukeuh, skali kaga, seringnya akan bakal seterus nya kaga. n begitu cici gue yg emang iseng suka nyelipin sayur ato apa di antara nasi2 gue dan gue kebetulan nemu tu sayur, gue bisa marah2 ma cici gue. emang gue ga perfect, itu sifat jelek gue waktu kecil. galak, ga suka diboongin, n keukeuh. dan satu lagi, gue tu waktu kecil ga suka makan, susah banget masukin nasi ke mulut gue.

dan sbagai nyokap liat anak nya kyk gitu, wajar lah jadi nya dia berusaha penuhin keinginan anak spy anak nya makan. dan nyokap juga ga paksa banget gue musti suka sayur n sgala macem yg waktu itu gue ga mau. krn kl dia tau, kl dia paksa gue akan tetep keukeuh ga mau n ga ada yg bisa paksa n ujung2nya bisa2 gue ga makan. tambah gede, gue tambah lunak. uda mulai bisa dipaksain coba macem2. biar pun ada saat2 n ada jenis2 makanan yg gue akan tetep keukeuh gue ga mau. tetep aja sifat dasar keukeuh ma makanan ada di dalam diri gue biar pun uda berkurang kadar nya.

so, dr pengalaman masa kecil gue, gue tau, sifat gue yg keukeuh n jelek itu yg bikin nyokap gue ga paksa gue makan sgala, n in the end, gue bebas memilih apa makanan yg gue mau. and tats it, krn itu gue picky ma makanan. nyokap gue hanya berperan jd orang tua yg sayang ma anaknya n juga terlalu ngerti sifat jelek anaknya, dia ada paksa gue makan n coba2, tapi keputusan utk nolak ato makan ada di tangan gue.

gue akuin juga, defense gue di perdebatan smalem, selain krn gue tau apa yg bikin gue picky, ada unsur gue ngebelain nyokap gue. gue paling benci sama orang yg bilang, ato imply ato apa pun yg jelek tentang nyokap gue. karna gue tau, seumur hidup gue, nyokap gue uda berusaha mendidik n mengarahkan gue jadi yg terbaek. dan ditambah lagi, sejak bokap gue meninggal 11 taon lalu, nyokap gue cuma punya gue n cici gue. dan insting gue utk lindungin nyokap gue jg tambah gede.

jadi siapa pun. yg sampe ngomong ato imply yg jelek ttg nyokap gue yg gue tau ga bener, well, i’ll fight for it til i die.

i’ve been having a quite lot of thoughts lately. and it actually started when i was back from my very looong leave. my leave was ended by a surprise. not so much a surprise though, since i was kinda able to sense what was going on. and unfortunately, that surprise was also not ended well too.

i was kinda in a relationship, for about 3 weeks. a very short relationship that was already wrong to begin with. but there was impulse in me to commit to that relationship. and i surrenderred to that impulse. which was wrong. and i knew it was wrong.

there was too many differences between us. too big of a gap between us. and both of us were not brave enough, daring enough, or even having feeling deep enough to force ourselves ‘jump’ to the other side. from my own point of view, it was impossible for me to ‘jump’ because i never wanted, want or will ever want to be in the other side. and honestly, i think that my feeling was not too deep, or deep enough to be willing to sacrifice my belief, my stand, my principal in life.

and since we have begun what we shouldn’t ever have begun, there were hearts broken. tears shed, lots and lots of tears. mine and his. luckily, we finally decided to move backward. to be like what we used to be. just friends. and i think this is the best for both of us too. to continue our own lives. i’m here and he’s there. and just be friends.

then there were times, when i thought about love life. well. not sure if i can say that i have one, since my life has been like making friendships and my feeling has ever gone further than that. and then, when i was thinking about my boy friends (note: my friends who happen to be male), it crossed my mind to give them a score, or a grade, or a number, or a percentage, or a value, to the level of possibility of my wanting them to be my boyfriend so that i will tolerate the flaws (that i know of) and also willing myself to fight, to sacrifice, for the sake of the relationship.

so then i thought and i thought and i thought, and then i had come to a list of my boy friends which unfortunately are not single anymore. they were friends that i did consider quite close, some are still close, some are so far away. i was on the verge of thinking that i’d been wasting my time thinking about useless thing when my friend said that it wasn’t my fault to be ‘late’, i WAS late, i was too slow for thinking about my qualified boy friends far enough to even consider them as my boyfriend, but there was hope that someone, would also be thinking ‘late’ like me. and when that time comes, hopefully we are both also available.

that was a good theory. a very good one to make me feel a little bit better. thanks for her for that. but anyway, i don’t think it quite makes sense. see? for a very logical person like me, everything has to have a reason, everything has to be logical, everything has to make sense.

so i started thinking again. what do those friends of mine have in common? then i realized, they were all ‘stronger’ than me. or maybe they just appeared to be stronger than me, well i don’t know. but that was all they were.

you see, for a person like me, i need someone who is ‘stronger’ than me. someone who’s not intimidated by me. usually people when they first know me, they will think that i’m a very unfriendly person because i don’t really smile or talk a lot when i meet a new people. and perhaps, the worst case they may think i’m a nasty person or whatever. but those friends, they were not ‘intimidated’ by me. they ‘saw’ me beyond all of that. and it turned out we have the same way of thinking, and in the end, we became good friends. because when i started open up, oh man, i hardly can stop talking and laughing.

then i came to a conclusion. it wasn’t easy to find that kind of person. that kind of friend. who is ‘daring’ enough to approach me. to befriend me. to share thoughts and feelings with me. and that’s why i wasn’t easy to fall in love too. and i wouldn’t give up. i may be approaching late 20s, but it doesn’t mean that i have to give myself up to the first guy who comes on to me. i’m not desperate (yet?). and i definitely don’t want to spend the rest of my life with some guy who i choose because i HAVE to and not because i WANT to.

well, anyway, enough of this crap for now. i have things to read and to do. and that things PAY my bills and my clothes, and my shoes, and my food, and oh.. my new soon-to-come PSP..

so enough crappy and sappy things, and it’s time to work.