1:23am-anxious

I have been reading stories, news reports, talking to my people about COVID and this thing scares me a lot.  I watch/hear about people going to bars and full packed restaurants, discussing mass travel (more than 2 million air travelers at Chicago O’Hare on Friday) for Thanksgiving….Why is it necessary for townships, towns, cities, counties, states, and the nation to direct a mandatory mask order, or stay at home orders, or limiting orders….Why? 

Why? ‘Cause no one can tell YOU what to do, huh hillbilly Bob??  ‘Cause it’s a violation of some thing you know nothing about but since you yell it louder and you carry a high powered rifle, people better listen.  Fine Billy Bob, you have my attention.  So let’s get started.  What Constitutional Right is being violated by asking you to wear a mask and stay a minimum of 6 feet away from other people?

I have a follow up question….Where is the Constitutional Right allowing Colin Kaepernik to peacefully protest?  

Billy Bob, out of those two options, there is only ONE that is an actual constitutional violation and the answer probably isn’t one that you will like.

Imma tell y’all a little secret…..I wish some muthafucka would come at me with that ish, ‘cause I have some rage I have been compartmentalizing and I would love to pull that rage out and let loose. 

So, someone please tell me why it is necessary to have the government tell you what to do and why you can’t take it upon yourself to treat others as you wish to be treated? Do you want someone coughing on you without a mask? Do you want someone spreading COVID to you unnecessarily?  Why does there have to be a government mandate on kindness?

3:28am-Let down, a little sad

I finished the Codependent No More book (and will continue answering the activity questions as I am able) but it left me wanting more meat….it seemed to recycle the same 30% over and over and only a new idea every now and again.  

Chapter 12-Learn the Art of Acceptance

1. Are you or is someone in your life going through this grief process for a major loss? What stage do you think you or that person is in? 

• I personally don’t believe the stages of grief are mandatory to go through in order and that once you have cycled though you are cured.  I see grief on a continuum where some days are great and some days that grief hits you like a wave out of nowhere and you are down for the count.  I am clinically depressed and have PTSD, with fairly intense anxiety, which I am sure will be a stumbling block through this process for me.  

• Denial: While I don’t feel like I am in denial, there is shock, numbness, anxiety, frustration, and disgust.  I am aware this is happening, I am the one who filed for divorce twice.  I and frustrated because the person I thought loved me more than anything else in the world was a con man who didn’t give two shits about me at all.  I became a long game when I had his child.  Had it not been for her, he would have stopped this game long ago. The sad thing is that he doesn’t even give a shit about his daughter either….but he didn’t want to continue to be seen as the dead beat dad that he is.  I have been lied to and likely cheated on for one quarter of a century….I had 25 years where I could have been living a real life instead of being some jack asses con game.  So, yeah, I’m not in denial.

• Anger: Oh HELL TO THE YES am I angry.  I lost everything with my first divorce and lost everything with my second divorce….it is a damn good thing that I am not all into materialistic things as both of those man-boys are.  They seem to think they deserve a champagne lifestyle on a bud light budget.  My ex husband is trying to talk to some fine ass woman who expects to be pampered.  I am dying to see what he thinks “pampering her” will entail.  Last I knew that meant fried potatoes with some eggs and bacon if you are lucky.  If you are super lucky, he might even have some bread and jam.  Thought I wouldn’t eat off or drink out of his dishes….he is nasty.  Seriously, I think I might even need to apologize to my nasty son because it was clearly not JUST my son pissing all around the toilet.  *vomit* I am angry about being a mark, I am angry about being used and abused for 25 years, I am angry that the mf got more in the divorce than he deserved, and I am angry that he is going to lovey his way into some very nice woman’s heart, ‘cause he needs another mark….and another lovely woman will be burned to the ground.  Fuck that though, I will rise from the ashes.  

• Bargaining-I was in the bargaining phase about a year ago.  I wasn’t really interested in a relationship but also, I am not an asshole and didn’t want him to lose medical/dental/vision insurance even thought I was not doing well at work (mentally and emotionally, which his nasty horrible ass made sure to rub in….bleach.) Anyway, Everything I thought that maybe we could at least work on being civil co-grandparents and maybe even friends, I would find some new lie he told.  I swear I truly don’t know if there has been even one truth told to me in the last 25 years. Now, I am not at all interested in even seeing his nasty face.  I don’t want to hear his ugly voice. 

• Depression-Oh, its my old, dear friend who always travels with me.  I would love to, at some point, travel alone; I have simply become accustomed to Depression always being at my side.  

• Acceptance-After kicking, screaming, negotiations, feeling the pain and working through it, you come to acceptance.  Well acceptance, it is gonna be a while until we meet…go on and enjoy yourself for a while YOLO!  

2) Review your life and consider the major losses and changes you have gone through.  Recall your experiences with the Grief process and write about your feelings as you remember them.

• My cousin sexually assaulted me and my parents did nothing about it.  I lost my cousin and my parents that day.  I grieved hard core and did lots of things I know I shouldn’t have.  I treated my family like shit, though my parents probably deserved some of it…I just wish I would have had the language to speak about this at the time. I just knew I had to get the fuck out of that house…and I did.  A lot about that time has fucked with me but my biggest issue and that which I have the most emotional responses to are my parents lack of doing anything….I lost trust in them immediately.
• I went through Grief when my grandpa died, denial was just a short visit…I stayed angry and depressed for quite some time.  Never did go through the bargaining stage.  
• I am actively working grief about all sorts of lost family relationships and systems.  
• I quit my job and am actively working on grief concerning the job, trust, missing co-workers, etc.  
• Honestly, I tend to be in the anger and depression cycles the longest and its where I experience the most emotions.  

Chapter 13-Feel your own Feelings

1. What emotions are pouring out of you as you write?

• Hmmm, I would say anger, frustration, some bits of realization which leaves me feeling a little more relaxed.

2) What if you could be feeling anything you wanted right now, and feeling that way wouldn’t make you a bad person. What would you be feeling?

• Hands down, I love the feeling of calm and quiet, I like my inner body to feel safe and content.

3) Suggestion to join a support group.

2:18am-Feeling okay

Yesterday was the last in-person classes for MOVE! (Overweight Class/Support Group), Creative Art (and it was only the 3rd class), Tai Chi, and Yoga, in addition, the other class I am taking is also only going to be online (Whole Health Class).  I wasn’t feeling well….very tired….so didn’t go to any of the classes today; I think I just didn’t want to deal with my emotions (in public) knowing this was it again for many months.  

3:43pm-Suspicious

I have been listening to “Co-Dependent No More” for the last hour or so.  She suggests we answer some questions in the “Activity Sections” of the book.

Chapter 2-Other Stories

Do you identify with any people in this chapter? What helped you think of yourself? Which relationships did it bring to mind? Why?

* I related to Patty (ironic because that is my ex-husbands ex-wife’s name). I related to her frustration with her daily routine, weight gain, inability to know what she is feeling (other than guilt and shame), the feeling of falling apart even though “everyone” looks at her for strength and control, feelings of anxiety and depression, having zero energy, screaming, zero interest in sex, husband who has a drinking problem, and having come from a dysfunctional home. It brought to mind my family of origin and both marriages for the reasons I highlighted. 

Chapter 3 Codependency

1. How do you define co-dependency?

• Thomas Wright gave a great definition: Codependents have historically attacked social injustice and fought for the rights of the underdog.  Codependents want to help.  But they probably diet thinking they didn’t do enough and were feeling guilty. Codependents are reactionary and as a problem becomes more serious and remains unresolved, they become more affected and react more intensely to it.  

2) Do you know anybody who has significant affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could change?  Who?  

• Yes, my parents, my kids, and my ex’s….though, it’s less about me wishing *I* could change them and more wishing they would change for themselves.  

Chapter 4 Co-Dependent Characteristics

1. Go through the checklist and mark each characteristic. 

Caretaking-About half apply to me

Low Self-Worth-About 95% apply to me

Repression-All apply to me

Obsession-About 90% applies to me

Denial-About half apply to me

Dependency-100% applies to me

Poor Communication-30% applies to me

Weak Boundaries-60%applies to me

Lack of Trust-100% applies to me sans the religious bit

Anger-60% applies to me

Sex Problems-40% applies to me

Misc. -37% applies to me

Progressive-100% applies to my still

2) How do you feel about changing yourself? What do you think would happen if you began to change? Do you think you can change? Why? Or Why Not?  

• The answers will be a bit out of order…  🙂 Do I think I can change…oh hells yes I can change.  Actually, I am work in progress so change is inevitable; however, I am having mixed feelings about how I am going about this process…I have no idea what I am doing.  

7:37pm-Chillaxed

Chapter 5 Detachment

1. Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about?  What are you thinking and feeling concerning this person/problem?

• I am trying hard to detach though yes, I am very worried about my kids and grandkids.  My kids are all either teetering on addiction issues or have already succumbed and my grandkids are paying the price.  Right now, due to the pandemic, I can’t have them at my house as often as I like and visiting is a bit more difficult with time and money constraints (they live 2 hours away).  

2) How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying “attached” helped so far?

• Do to my own mental health issues, I feel as though I MUST detach because having been attached and trying to do/take care of/control everything has literally sapped every bit of me and I desperately want to feel good in my skin and to find some level of happiness not dependent on anyone else. If I detach, I won’t know what is going on and I am finding that maybe I don’t want to know everything because it just skyrockets my anxiety and depression (though part of me does what to know so shit doesn’t hit me out of nowhere….that was the source of the intense pain I am going through now….surprise info.)

Chapter 6 Don’t be blown about by every wind

1. Are you spending too much time reacting to someone or something in your environment? Who or What? How are you reacting? Is that how you would choose to behave or feel if you had a choice?

• These questions would have had “better” answers a few years ago…lol.  Yes, at that time I was spending WAY TOO MUCH TIME reacting to EVERYTHING in my environment.  I believe reacting has landed me flat on my ass.  Most of the decisions I make I over analyze discussed with people who either shared in the issues (my husband, now ex) or my BFF (to get some clarity) and they are likely what I would do now without the knowledge of how those decisions turned out.  

2) What activities help you feel peaceful and comfortable?

• Being alone, listening to books, watching shows I enjoy, a nice hot shower, waking up to a clean sink, talking with people I enjoy, learning, and my fake ass fireplace!

Chapter 7 Set Yourself Free

1. Is there an event or person in your life that you are trying to control? Why?

• Not anymore.  And up until last year, I think he wanted me to “control” things….it took all the pressure off of him and allowed him to have a reason for complaining if my choices were “wrong.”

2) In what ways (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.) are you being controlled by whatever or whomever you are attempting to control? 

• Besides what I stated in question 1 above, mentally and emotionally he had the control even when it appeared I was in control.  He held the control not only by wanting me to make the decisions but he also lied to me about things which, I have to assume led me to make decisions I would not have made had I had the truth.  Even now, I am mentally and emotionally dangling because I haven’t been solely responsible for myself, and only myself, for more than 30 years. I shouldn’t be afraid because I carried the responsibilities of many and now only myself, but by golly, I am afraid.  

3) What would happen if you detached from this person or situation?  Will that probably happen anyway, in spite of your controlling gestures? How are you benefiting by attempting to control the situation? How is the other person benefitting by your attempts to control? How effective are your attempts at controlling the outcome of events?

• Actually, I am detaching from the person/people and situation(s).  I thought it was a shared control; however, it became clear towards the end that I am the one we both put in the position to control and I am the one that gets the blame.  He is incapable of accepting responsibility for his own actions and I also took the responsibility even if it wasn’t mine to take.  Honestly, I don’t know how I was benefitting from controlling the situation or people…it certainly didn’t feel good at all.  Looking back, I was raised in a home with a very codependent mother, I relationship hopped and my first long term relationship the man was extremely needy and abusive and I stepped into the role I witnessed without even giving it a second thought.  My second long term relationship I *thought* was more equal, though based on the best fairy tale ever; however, I stepped right back into the caretaker/codependent role as if I was coming home.  I also felt I had a lot to prove…to so, so many people and no matter what I did or didn’t do, I was never enough…for anyone, but worst of all myself.  

Chapter 8 Remove the Victim

1. This activity is not applicable anymore as I am not caretaking and focusing only on myself.

2)   This activity is to become familiar with the Kaplan Drama Triangle, there was no question asked.

11.19.2020
9:50pm-Indifferent
I know I need to heal; however, I don’t know HOW.  Where do I start? What steps do I take in order TO heal.  Do I start with childhood issues and move forward or do I start now and work backward?  

11.20.2020
12:32am-Agitated
Ugghhh…all of this unknowing totally agitates me.  Between 9:50pm and now, I have finished listening to a book and surfing the net.  Surfing is my mindless activity…the problem is, I get nothing real accomplished.  

I have been contemplating the questions above and have kinda decided to listen to self-help books and work my way through them until I do figure out what to do.  

Several days ago I finished “Loving My Actual Life” by Alexandra Kuykendall and had intended to actually answer the questions she posed at the end of each chapter WHILE I was listening to it…but well…

So, I figure I will do that now so I can put this book to the side and consider it completed fully.

Introduction Questions for Reflection (QFR): 

1. What is motivating you to make a change to love your actual life?

      * My actual life is the motivation to make a change.  I feel lost and confused and alone.  When I found out about my ex-husbands betrayal my life seemed to spiral out of control. It seemed as though everything was not as it had seemed (which it wasn’t) and that realization put the entirety of the last 25 years of my life in question.  I had already been struggling with work and thought my ex-husband was my safe space, the person I could turn to in order to recharge and regain a semblance of happiness.  I walked into 2020 already flailing  and then ***2020*** happened.  It has been one of the longest and hardest  years of my life because EVERYTHING has been turned inside out and upside down: my marriage, job, other relationships, a world-wide pandemic, my mental health, etc.  It feels like my life exploded and then immediately imploded.  I NEED to find a handhold, build a foundation, and then rebuild my life from the ground up…but I would really like some guidance. 

2)   What would you like to get out of this experiment?

      * I’m actually trying to come up with my new word(s) for 2021…I am considering both “meandering” and “Kintsugi.” Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold – a metaphor for embracing your flaws and imperfections.  Right now I feel VERY broken and instead of just being broken or trying to make myself new, want to highlight my breaks and repair myself with something even more beautiful, resilient, and strong. One of my favorite books is “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown.  In order to really work through and embrace those imperfections, I want to meander through each of the 10 Guideposts, recognize and feel all the feelings that come up rather than trying to push down and compartmentalize them as I have learned to do.  I want to practice listening to and following my intuition.  I want to practice meditation in order to delve into, and reconnect with, the inner most parts of me and the energy of the universe.

Quiet QFR:

1. How much quiet (both literal and virtual) do you have in a typical day? 

      * Before August 28th, my quiet time was maybe a few hours in the evening after work though my mind didn’t quiet down so it often felt noisy all the time.  Why is August 28th the magic day? That was my official last day of work, though I hadn’t actually worked much in the two weeks prior to that because I had turned in my two week notice and was working diligently to get all of my dental and optical needs met before my insurance was terminated.  Now my days are almost exclusively quiet unless I am listening to a book or watching a little Hulu (thanks Maddie).  My dog is pretty chill and quiet; we just enjoy each other’s company. 

2) What challenges do you face when trying to implement quiet?

     * At this point, really none. 

3) Does increasing silence impact how you experience god? If so, how?

     * I am Agnostic, which means I don’t know if there is a higher power.  I have experienced synchronicities and things that have made me wonder if there is something greater than myself out there but because there is no flat out evidence, I will continue to wonder.  I do  think that we are all connected to one another…we are all of the Universe…made of the same material; therefore, there is a thread that runs through all of us and I am interested to find out if I can feel/sense it if I can learn to meditate and get into the deepest parts of  myself.  

Mornings QFR:

1. Are you a “the day’s a wasting” or an “easy inner” when it comes to mornings? How about the people you live with? How does that impact your approach to this time of day?

      * I am totally an “easy inner,” one who needs to ease into the idea of getting going.  Actually, I am really not a morning person at all…unless we are talking about the very early morning, like 1am.  I live with my dog, Bella, and she is a very “go with Mom’s flow” kinda gal.  

2)   What are three things you could try tomorrow morning that would help you have a more peaceful household?

      * My house is as peaceful as I make it…and these days, I make all day peaceful.

Dates QFR:

1. Who would you like to spend more time with on a regular basis? What is keeping you from     making this happen?

      * Right now, no one but myself.  

• The rest of the questions were specific to dating, which I am not doing, so won’t answer.

Health QFR:

1. Is it difficult to make your own physical care a priority? Why or Why Not?

      * Yes, everything about my own care has been difficult to make as a priority.  I have spent almost 30 years making other people my priority, and it shows.  

2)   What gives you energy so you can more fully enjoy life today?

      * Adderall

3)   What are you most grateful your body can do for you? 

      * My immediate thought was to deny gratitude for my body and just as quickly I stopped myself and readjusted my mind chatter.  The desire to deny everything seems to be one of  the insidious side effects of depression.  I fight that beast every damn day.  Depression is heavy.  I swear I can feel gravity weighing me down.  

Okay, so I am actually grateful for damn near everything….even the things that aren’t  perfect….like my vision.  I have horrible vision and yet, when corrected I can see pretty close to perfect.  My memory is shot and yet, I have survived, and sometimes even thrived, through  traumas…all due to my brain believing I would be benefitted by blocking certain memories.  I can use all of my appendages, all of my organs mostly work well, and the bits that aren’t in perfect working order, once corrected or reduced of pain, do pretty darn well.  Thus, I am grateful for every single part of my body, for it sustains me fairly comfortably.

Adventure QFR:

1. What area of your life feels mundane? How can you mix it up? 

      * Wellllll, right now EVERY SINGLE PART of my life feels mundane with a side of blaaaahhhh.  The book whereby I am receiving the questions for reflection was published before 2020; therefore, the “how can you mix it up” question is completely legitimate; however, at this point, the only way I am mixing things up these days and by changing out my cloth mask to keep people on their toes.  I have recently added a paper mask  underneath the cloth mask and I feel like I got to “next level pandemic” status.

2)   Does the idea of adventure make you nervous or excited?

      * Both.  I have a love/hate relationship with adventure. I love to travel…to explore…to learn…and to get crazy, but I don’t like doing it alone (at least not yet.). Nervous more for the unknown and excited for learning/experiencing.

Home Organization QFR:

1. How does your home make you feel today. 

      * Claustrophobic – Trying to stuff years and years of life into a one bedroom duplex is difficult.  Lol. I will say though, it has been fun and interesting to look at all the crap I have  and thing about ways to handle it….ways that might be put to more (and likely better) use  than it has.  

2)   What small things can you do to move your house further from chaos and more toward peace?

      * Does anyone have a match?  Just kidding. Currently there are about 20 or so 18 gallon plastic buckets at the storage unit.  Much of what is out there has been sitting in boxes for years…they are crystals, home and garden  party items, etc.  I would like to go through everything and figure out what organizations  might benefit best from all of my crap.  I am also working (very slowly…think sloth slow) on  painting my house and basically starting from scratch as far as design/colors/etc.  Right  now the biggest issue is financial.  The idea I am trying to incorporate is to start with a basic white so as to maybe start to imagine what the space wants to do/say and then  move from there.

Creativity QFR:

1. Do you agree with this chapters opening quote by Pablo Picasso, “Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life” Why or Why not?

      * Obviously not in the literal term but yes, art can calm, excite, and move you to the height of emotion and can ease the stress of everyday.  

2)   What type of creativity feels natural to you? What type feels intimidating?

      * I think I like almost every type of art.  Some are more frustrating because of my perfectionistic tendencies, which is also why creating is so important to healing…at least for me…I need to learn that not everything needs to be perfect….and great art can come from Oops.

Meals QFR:

1. What meal of the day is the most difficult for you to manage? What is one thing you can do to improve how you plan and execute that meal?

      * WIthin BLE, Lunch and dinner have been the most difficult meals for me to manage. There is such a LARGE amount of vegetables (20 oz) total for both meals and even though these meals are for you to nourish your body, I want them to taste good AND be somewhat varied. If I were to plan my meals weekly, it would make the process MUCH easier AND likely cheaper that it is now.  I am currently utilizing the popular “flying by the seat of my pants” plan.

2)   How do you see relationships and meals being connected?

      * In almost every relationship I have, food is surrounding and consuming us.  Currently I am utilizing a dietary program called Bright Line Eating.  With the exception of my sweet tea, I follow it pretty well.  I’ve lost a little weight but I think my mental health may be so depleted that I can’t focus on it as heavily as I could have otherwise.  

Passions QFR:

1. Think of a time when you have had to make a choice between two good things.  How did the process go? How did you ultimately make your decision?

      * I said “Fuck It” and did them both….quit my job and filed for divorce.  Shit you gotta GO BIG AND GO HOME!!  That is NOT a typo.  There should never have been the word “or” in  that powerful motto.  There doesn’t need to be a choice…No, Go fucking big and then go the fuck home!!

2)   Name what only you can do right now.

      * Show Up

Conclusion QFR:

1. How does noticing impact your ability to relish what’s right in front of you? 

  * We can either take what is right in front of for granted or, when we notice something, we take a conscious moment to appreciate it and speak gratuitously about it which tends to feed the happiness part of us.  And who doesn’t want happy, right?!?!

2)   How do actions change your immediate quality of life?

      * For a few mornings I noticed that the sink in my kitchen was clean and the dishes done.  I have come to appreciate it each morning.  I know if I took some time to plan my meals…and eat only what I planned…my shopping bill would be probable reduced 1/4 to 1/3.  I would also know exactly what I was eating and not have to figure it out on the fly.