Where the hell did time go??? My last post was in September 2016.

In the meantime, I’ve transitioned from a drunk to a lonely drunk – mother of a 21 and 18 year old.

I’ve moved into my “office” and kind of transformed it into a singles work/sleep place – very healthy – NOT!

WTF

I kept getting ads to update my dot com website and decided to go and look at the website I created – over 4 YEARS AGO????

Seriously chick – what the F are you doing with your life?

And soooooo I’ve decided to use this place as a space for my personal journey.. I just can’t do other apps for sobriety or wellbeing – am too inconsistent – or written journals – even though I did recommend my clients do – seriously?

Well in the meantime so much (or little – depending on how you view it) has happened.
I opened a physical practice for different types of therapy at the beginning of 2017.
My soulmate/ideal client/dreamboat client was menopausal between the ages of 45 and 65 – little did I know that they didn’t give a shit about my services – maybe I was in a vortex of other crap.. – or my own.
On the other hand I took on everyone that dared/cared to take up my services.

And I shit you not – the challenges that I was faced with were like – OTT or too F*ing much for me – although at the time I didn’t see it as such.

Amongst others:

Bulimia – been there, done that
Cutting – serious shit peeps
PTSD – can relate
Suicidal – whoa
Weight loss – which is never simplistic
Alcohol abuse – how fitting
Smoking cessation – hmm – still there

So as things will have it – not making money and not enough clients, I closed my practice at the end of 2019 – luckily, as when Covid hit I would have been in big financial trouble.

I’ve degraded so much so that I have” to record voice messages of conversations that I have so that I know what I’ve talked about – ARGH FFS!

Theoretically I know a LOT, but really – I’m just as broken as the next person – neighbour/friend/colleague
Luckily I’m not broke..

and then the 18 year old watches some shit on tv/phone at the loudest volume – AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH

in the meantime the almost 21 year old and I have developed an awesome relationship!
I love her to bits – she is sweet, strong, independent, a mommy titi, doesn’t do other peopels shit, – doesn’t do her shit ( I guess it’ll get better)

and then i’m facing challenges with WP as in I don’t know WTH dot com does with this sheit.

Update: 2021.05.09

This was a draft from 2020.12.17 which never got posted… No real reason… Let’s see if I can keep this up…

I’ve been alcohol free before apart from my two pregnancies. For just over 11 months. That was quite a while back. 2005 (or was it 2006, or 2007)?!

In 2005 my mom came to visit us in from the other side of the world and we travelled to visit a cousin in Belgium. During the travel, seeing my relationship with alcohol, she asked me how i would feel if something happened to me, and my husband would be left to look after the kids. I had two small kids at the time. One 5 the other 3. – wake up.

He would probably have coped like people do when something like that happens. I don’t know how people cope with situations like that – BUT, would he have done it the way that we (I) envisioned their upbringing to be??? Very probably NOT. Would he have coped? I don’t know.

It wasn’t till after returning that I realised i seriously needed to do something about my drinking. If not for me, then for my little kids.

I went to a psychologist for therapy and then we also did partner therapy. She said that I was on the point of a burn-out, that I needed help at home and that we should at least take off one day a month for ourselves, to work on our relationship. She also said that drinking was worse than smoking and that I really needed to consider quitting.

Even though we went for counseling, nothing seemed to change. I totally withdrew from our relationship and felt more and more isolated. Apart from emotional isolation, we were living on a smallholding away from the village where the children went to school and kindergarten. So, geographically isolated too. Working fulltime, juggling work and picking up children at different times, with no support at home – physically, mentally and emotionally drained.

I don’t recall exactly how where or when, but I stopped. I still drank AF beer, and ate a fair amount of chocolate – probably to cope with the lack of empty sugar that i had been consuming by drinking regular beer or wine.

I don’t remember exactly the reason I started again – but I was over 11 months sober.

more – another post..

Well, some of you who follow me will know that i downloaded the Jason Vale book. It was awesome – but i’m still where i was -what gives moron…??? I was also a bit upset when he said not to read it again. Or did i miss something?

I ordered The Naked Mind which arrived today. 🤓😎. So its back to the drawing board – I’m getting closer…..

I’ve been following the http://medicinalsupplementsummit.com/schedule/. It’s sooo informative, specially the website of Andrew Saul (haven’t got much further 🙄)

Sooo, i think i might try with supplementing. Anybody else done that before, during or whatever.

Hugs to the sobersphere…

Well, lots of thinking and pondering was done. And sometimes none. As in, have a bottle of wine to block those brain cells. 

Well, again, after my last post, i received a most awesome comment. Thank you Kary May. And no, i sill haven’t got back on the wagon.  😳. No, there is never a good day for starting, and NO, there is never a better day for starting, and NO, there is never a bad day for starting….. So Why TF haven’t i started. 😱. Who effing knows. I’m procrastinating, thinking things are going to get better, and that the right day will pop up. HAHAHA laugh my effing socks off…..

Pulling out of the drive and getting back on the road.. OMG why am i so full of shiit. I’ve done it before and know it’s not the end of the world but a new beginning…

So, anyway, today i bought the Jason Vale book, recommended by soo many. So today, i have an excuse not to stop. 🙄😈How full of shit is that?????

Yes, i am full of shit. Alcohol, plus other shit… No dugs or so, (except smoking – as if that wasn’t one. 🙄) And seriously i have all the tools in the box, so why am i not using them???? Like seriously, what the heck am i waiting for? Jason, your book better be good… Jen, you need to get your shit together and stop making excuses and thinking, and waiting for better days that aint gonna happen.

I don’t have many followers, but thats ok. I’m following a good many.(is that english?) 

So, to be slightly accountable, and for me, i’m off to get into Jase..

Happy thursday, peeps.

How profound, what…..

Well, it’s still summer holidays where we are, and the younger is out and about almost all the time with his friends. The older started her trade last week, and hubby and i also started work. Things haven’t got back to what school routines and such are. I haven’t been cooking regularly as mostly no-ones really hungry in the evening also due to the heat. And we’ve also been enjoying a glass or two (or three or four) of beer or wine.

So I was thinking…

Should i get back on the wagon this week or wait until school starts again.. I got totally absorbed into the blogging world again yesterday and today (while at work as very little is happening there due to the holidays) and discovered a whole lot of new ones. 😬 (Sober ones and ones that want to be, that is)

And then i was thinking, actually, why wait until next week, why not start now? So that was the plan..

So after leaving work i drove home and went to the post office to drop off some parcels, set on having an AF beer before dinner. On my way out of the parking lot into the street, having waited for traffic to go by, seeing pedestrians further up the road, road clear, pulling out i collided with a motorcycle. WTF? No bodily damage just a little shock. So anyways, he calls the police for them to protocol it all and i’m like – fuck. I don’t need this shiit. No-one was hurt, little damage to both vehicles… This means, as the police have been called, i’m going to be reported for ” nicht gewährleistung des vortrittsrechts”  violation of right of way (something like that). So, i’m in for a big fine, might lose my drivers licence for a while. Ohh FUUUCCCK. And on top of that all the damages to be paid. AND i was sober, not stressed to get home or anything else…….. WTF

Yes, i was in the wrong, but effit -it’s one of those things that one just doesn’t need. Specially after yesterday – my daughter 16 had to appear before the youth district of attorney for littering on halloween last year – post for another day, maybe..

AAAARRRGHHHH. 

Sobriety is not happening today. Any sensible person would have taken the whole situation to heart and not drunk but not me, not today. 

Sobriety is on the to do list for tomorrow.

Sorry, i know whinening about it doesnt make it better (swearing does a little 🤓, drinking doesn’t.) so here’s to a better day tomorrow…..

Proscht und uf wiedergüggs – for those of you who speak swiss german. 😬😈

I’m still here. on day 22. still haven’t had a drink.
We BBQ’d yesterday and i was prepping food for tonight that called for red wine – and i suddenly had a fleeting moment of “HMM a glass or two of red would be perfect now”. BUT i didn’t. I had an AF beer instead. And the fleeting moment passed.

Things have been going good so far – apart from throwing my toys out of the cot last weekend. I don’t have physical cravings, just moments every now and then when i think of a glass of wine.

The reasons i’m taking a break – 30 days for a start – day by day – are various:
I….
–  need to be an example to my two teenagers – not succumbing to drink when the  going gets tough, when i’m feeling overwhelmed at home or work.
– don’t want to be scared of getting sick – like REALLY sick..
– want to be healthy and look healthy
– want to look good in my clothes – and bathing suit (biking) during the summer holidays.
to be

I know, too, that both my husband and son, used to put words in my mouth, and claim things that I never said…… Well, they gotta be a little more careful now 😉

Strangely enough, my kids haven’t noticed that I haven’t had a drink in 3 weeks. I asked my daughter and she gave me this surprised look.

Symptom before stopping:

• muscle twitches in my right upper arm (tricep area) which sometimes led to cramps
• both inner elbow joints seemed inflamed
• bloated stomach
• dry skin and hair
• age marks and dry skin patches on hands
• Sleep – waking up several times in the night and then not being able to go back to sleep

I’ve noticed an improvement in my right arm as in not twitching too much anymore.
Seen a slight improvement on the dry patches on my hands
Left inner elbow still seems slighty inflamed
Bloated stomach has reduced.
Still have dry skin and hair.

I wouldn’t say I feel FANTASTIC in the mornings when I wake up. Sleep has got better – no more waking several times – but even though i think i have enough I’m tired almost permanently – that could also be due to a very unfulfilling job and the heat at the moment – neither of which can be changed.

I’m supplementing with:
Magnesium
OPC – grape seed oil
Omega 3
B12 oral
K2
Zen

We’re leaving on vacation on Saturday and i probably will not have internet, so don’t know when i’ll be able to update again.
By the time we get to Greece it’ll be 28 days.
I’m not putting any pressure on myself to think of then – will just be taking one day at a time.

I’m furious, livid, and mad as hell.

The dog’s body for everybody.

A 13 year old who thinks he’s 16 and can go into the city with a couple of his 14 yo buddies to a festival with hundreds of thousand others – who are probably already all shit faced etc. Who puts words in my mouth and accuses me of saying things I haven’t – which was a big reason for quitting drinking. Bloody smart kid – who is generally awesome loving, sweet – who started puberty about 9 months ago…

A 16 yo who will be going into the city later(to same festival) – whose bedroom looks like a tornado hit – has for the last 4 years, who bitches when I say anything about it – that it’s HER room. YES, BUT we pay the rent, you’re 16 and have a few obligations here – one is keeping your room clean and tidy and making sure you get through at school.

She’s now done an extra year of school as she didn’t have really good marks and didn’t know what she wanted to do as a trade.
Short explanation, in Switzerland most kids go to school for 9 years after which they do a trade for 3 or 4 years depending on which direction they go into and what kind of field it is.
Other who are better at school or more ambitious, hard working do the studying bit for 12/13 years and then go to university.

A husband who went away on a motorbike trip for 3 days with a bunch of work and ex-work friends, had an accident in eastern Europe yesterday, wrote off his motorbike (not his fault – and nothing serious happened to him – so he says) is supposed to be coming back with a colleague today – said I’ll pick him up where ever they drop him off. Not a word, not a phone call, not one sms – it’s now 17.42, he’s not answering his phone and I’m REALLY REALLY p**d off.

I haven’t had a drink in 12 days and am not planning on having one today. Like I said in one of my previous blogs, I have an app on my phone that I listen to at night before/during sleep which really seems to help becoming a non-drinker.

I haven’t really had a craving at all in the last two weeks for wine (which was my downfall – self-medication – like most others) but have had an AF beer maybe every second night.

I feel like I could pack the car and bugger off somewhere for a whole week (don’t know where….), not letting them know where I am and switching my phone off. Let them deal with daily crap – cooking (as well as their daily lunches), cleaning, shopping and washing blah blah blah. Except I have to go to work on Monday….

Well, seeing this is my blog, and I want to record these things so I know how I’m feeling along the road, I guess I’ll sign off now, try call hubby again, and otherwise switch on the tv do distract myself. Tried already with 2 x 20 naps – didn’t work.

No, i didn’t drink…
I just woke up feeling that i had drunk at least two bottles of wine or prosecco last night. I had a headache – was probably dehydrated – and extremely tired, even after having gone to bed at 22.15 last night. Hovered around until the kids went to school (7.30), then lay down on the sofa and slept again until shortly after nine, after which i felt much better.
I work 4 days a week and today is my day “off”.

One of my main reasons for not drinking for the moment, are the summer holidays which we will be spending two weeks thereof in Greece. I want to look good in a bikini (or at least not like a stranded whale…)

The second reason – my kids – #1 is 16 and #2 13.
I’ve been doing the nightly bottle (to 1.5) for way too long. And seeing that #1 has arrived at the legal drinking/smoking age (beer and wine where we live) i need to be more of a good example, instead of drowning my sorrows, fears or overwhelm in alcohol.

There are many more reasons which i will go into in another blog. I just want to get started here before time goes too fast and I don’t remember what this was all about…

I’ve spent the last week reading blog after blog of ladies around my age becoming non-drinkers, sober or whatever other adjectives are valid.

I decided that 2016 is my year. Take care of myself body, mind and soul. This is the first step – even if we are already past mid June. You gotta start somewhere, sometime.

Everything has been going according to plan.
The plan being – no alcohol for the next 30 days. I don’t even want to think about after that, just one day at a time..

No booze this last week. Must admit though, did have a couple of AF beers. I guess it’s better than having a bottle or one and half of Prosecco a night.
Just drinking water, whether plain, lightly flavoured with EO, or mixed with juice is getting like REALLY boring….I’m not much of a tea or coffee drinker – nor juice, sweet  or soft drinks, so that doesn’t leave me with very many alternatives, or does it? (Apart from maybe tomato juice..)

One slight bit of motivation is that after a week I don’t look 6 months pregnant, maybe only 5.5.
My eyes are a little less puffy, but apart from that haven’t felt any major gains.
I hear that things get really good around 30 days. Like physical aches and pains reducing, sleep patterns getting better etc. Not that I have any big things I’m expecting that will change.

Monday and Tuesday sleep was ok. Wednesday sucked and Friday I woke about 7 times (cat was also to blame as she kept meowing – for no apparent reason, although we did have a big thunder storm that night and she didn’t have any dry food left ).

I have this watch type thingi that tracks movement, calories and sleep (cheap, mind you) but better than nothing.

Anyone heard of AVRT? I’ve been reading quite a lot on the internet the last few days, blogs, websites etc. – and am curious.

Here’s to another day of sobriety.

I am not as articulate as many of the bloggers out there, but as i’m just starting, i’ll give myself some slack.

2.5 days under my belt, and feeling good. I downloaded an app called “quit drinking” by Andrew Johnson and started listening about 1.5 weeks ago. I think this must be helping. Monday was my first day and i had no struggles whatsoever not opening a bottle of wine while cooking dinner. Yesterday went really well too. Looking forward to the next few weeks.

My initial plan is starting with 30 days, after which we are going on vacation to Greece to visit a friend.