Mona Lisa’s Smile (generic title – in the first stages)

I woke up to winter’s last stitch effort, a stinging irony of a landscape. It is the very image of a clean slate; a blank canvas. It is everything that embodies my fears and desires together. The mirror is held up and all that returns is a flash: a Mona Lisa smile.

I take out my music. Drown it out. You are not ready. The loneliness will consume you. Ear-buds in, volume up. Drown it out. Don’t face it. Don’t think about it.

It doesn’t work.

Waiting for the bus, a tear waddles itself free from eyes neglected by mascara and masked by aviators. I mumble something incoherent and strain to hold back the flood building and threatening to overflow. A car passes and a man honks and hoots: “Yeah, baby! Woo-hoo!!” I laugh and throw a peace sign. The snow begins melting away, desperately flowing into the gutters. I concentrate on the sound. It is a torrent; it is the tears I do not have to cry, at least not today anyway.

Untitled

I never knew what it would be like

to find one of your hairs

I saw a man on the train once

that had hair that took me back

to those languid days we spent making love

how I ran my fingers through your brown curly locks

and teased: O, you damn curly-haired Michigan boys!

It is not nearly as depressing as the poem I read to you once

where the husband can no longer distinguish

his dead wife’s black hair

between the women who have come and gone

untill one day while repotting her avocado

he finds a long black strand in the soil

You have not literally died

and my problem is not the comings and goings of new men

but the constant moving and flux of my life

Regardless, I was surprised

upon opening the journal

that roughly contains the span of our relationship

to find it tangled in the spirals

that holds the pages together

Utah Winter

I suppose the shock

would have been less

If I had thought less

of you.

I do now, of course

And I’m not confident the chill

will ever leave me

Utah winter reminds me of nothing.

I wondered for a while

if it would bring back New England

The snow plows of that tiny town

going down Main

and up Fisk

Walks past the River and the railroad tracks

These are commonplace memories.

I was hoping to recall

being alone for the first time

I was hoping to recall

my passion and innate sense of awe.

Delmore pleads with me

to “shake myself

and break the banal dream”

I am trying

I am working harder every day.

I am aware

of that “charged underground.. .

Caught in an anger

exact as a machine.”

the ineluctable modality of the seemingly invisible

When I was a young girl, I use to fantasize that I had been born into the wrong family. What would it have been like to be born into a wealthy family or better yet, one that wasn’t religious? I remember lying on my bed in the room placed in the far corner of the house, as disconnected as was possible. I am unsure what prompted these daydreams. I don’t think I was the only child in the world that ever daydreamed of such things. As I became more independent, my fantasies broadened by mysticism; I started to bide my time with what possible past lives I may have lived. It seems in my search to find out who I was, and to sort out my fate, I was chasing my own tail.

Tonight, while I lie awake next to my fiance’, I turned over in my head Decartes’ statement: “Cogito ergo sum.” I think, therefore I am; I am thinking therefore I exist. I fumbled over the thought that much of what makes us who we are, is learned behavior and extremely subjective. We are in a constant state of observation from our infancy, looking for what to do and how to act. We may be presumed to continue this past our infancy, always scrambling to identify ourselves with something and sometimes, someone. This having been said, it may be presumed that an infant child does not actually think independently, having nothing to think upon, thus, this child does not yet exist though it is irrefutably alive. This can only be legitimized by the cases of feral children which indicate that if a child is not stimulated, especially at the first crucial stages, it’s ability to function, understand or communicate are substantially inhibited if not impossible. I.E. if they are not trained, they remain quite like an untrained animal: wild.

What if the roles we play are not real? What if we type-cast ourselves? What if we stopped doing that?

Politics as (Un) Usual

I was sent this e-mail recently and it hit home for me.

 

Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund
 
Dear Tara, 

A few hours ago, the news broke that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has been selected by Sen. John McCain as the vice presidential candidate for the Republican ticket.

As a Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund supporter, you are no doubt aware of Governor Palin’s dismal record, from her staunch support for special interests and Big Oil to her terrible assault on wolves and other wildlife.

As much of the nation wonders just who Sarah Palin is, I wanted to pass along my statement that I’ve just released.

Please read it and pass it along to everyone you know.

Thanks for your continued support,
Rodger Signature
Rodger

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 29, 2008
Shocking Choice by John McCain
WASHINGTON– Senator John McCain just announced his choice for running mate:  Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska.  To follow is a statement by Rodger Schlickeisen, president of Defenders of Wildlife Action Fu nd. 

Senator McCain’s choice for a running mate is beyond belief. By choosing Sarah Palin, McCain has clearly made a decision to continue the Bush legacy of destructive environmental policies.

“Sarah Palin, whose husband works for BP (formerly British Petroleum), has repeatedly put special interests first when it comes to the environment. In her scant two years as governor, she has lobbied aggressively to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling, pushed for more drilling off of Alaska’s coasts, and put special interests above science. Ms. Palin has made it clear through her actions that she is unwilling to do even as much as the Bush administration to address the impacts of global warming. Her most recent effort has been to sue the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to remove the polar bear from the endangered species list, putting Big Oil before sound science. As unbelievable as this may sound, this actually puts her to the right of the Bush administration.  

“This is Senator McCain’s first significant choice in building his executive team and it’s a bad one. It has to raise serious doubts in the minds of voters about John McCain’s commitment to conservation, to addressing the impacts of global warming and to ensuring our country ends its dependency on oil.”

###
The Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund (www.defendersactionfund.org) provides a powerful voice in Washington to Americans who value our conservation heritage. Through grassroots lobbying, issue advocacy and political campaigns, the Action Fund champions those laws and lawmakers that protect wildlife and wild places while working against those that do them harm.


———

 

I sent this e-mail on into cyberspace in a meager attempt to pass on knowledge. What happened, was it hit a little closer to home than I imagined. Thus ensues the banter between my father and I:

 

Hi Em,
 
Thanks for the info
 
I think the choice for Sarah Palin is a great one and I’ll tell you why.
 
She is for America being independent of foreign oil.  These countries do not like us and we are supporting them while damaging ourselves
 
Nature is resilient, it has been proven in the past that it can and will rebound.  Alternative fuels will not happen over night.  with the federal government lifting bans on offshore drilling with conditions we have a chance to buy time to develope these alternatives, I think we can compromise. 
 
I personally think our energy needs are worth the sacrifice of a few polar bears, if that is even the case.  The oil industry is not the major polluter it was a few decades ago, to think that they will go and strip the environment unbridled is ridiculous, everybody knows that.
 
This is just a scare tactic used by organizations (Democrats) trying to justify their positions, it does the American people no good… if we follow their rhetoric, we allow ourselves to go deeper into the clutches of foreign governments… that scares me worse than “losing” nature, which would never happen anyway.
 
The speaker of the House, Nancy Peloski, has shares in companies involved with alternative fuel research… can you see why she might not want offshore drilling? 
 
Oh by the way… I love you.
 
Well, Dad. . .  

I didn’t know you were going to vote McCain. (winks) 

Even if what you say were true about the Democrats using this as a “scare tactic to defend their positions,” I think that it is nothing in comparison to the scare tactics the Republicans have used to justify going to war. Not to mention that McCain choosing a woman as a vice president is such an obvious and cheap ploy to skirt the real issues. 

By the way, I had no idea that off-shore drilling would dramatically decrease the cost at the pump (which seems to be the majority of Americans soul interest). And, I wonder if your stance on the sacrificing a few polar bears for “the (doomed) cause” is a mere libertarian view or just an ignorant way of saying “Hey, what good are they anyway?” 

Nature is resilient, there is no doubt. Polar Bears may or may not survive. As we have learned about any otherextinct species, once they are wiped off the face of the earth there is no chance of them returning. Nature will forge forward and flourish, as it has the ability to take an imbalance or missing link and adapt. We seem to love this stance of “sacrifice a few to save many.” This helps justify the destruction of species of plants, animals, and even the elimination of Human cultures. Somehow this “greater good” theory seems to be a little short of compassion. The greater good for the few but, not the majority. I just have one question: Who are the few? Because I know it isn’t you and I saving a few cents at the pump.

Love you too

Em

—-
Well Em… 

I didn’t know you were a liberal (winks)

I agree with you on the war but at the same time I believe that we need to continue our assault on terrorism.

I would think you as a young woman would be thrilled to see a woman on the ticket, regardless of her politics.  It is political to say the least, but if you have read my latest post, you’ll agree that everything being done by the candidates is political… they are, after all… trying to get votes.

I believe in the next few weeks you will see the issues come into play, but I do not think personal attacks on ones family is taking the high road, shame on the Democrats for that one.

By the way, why don’t we take this conversation to my blog?  I’d love to share it with others…

I love you, and this is fun for me.

Pope Benedict XVI attacked false prophet Gore and religion of global warming.

The Daily Mail reported:

Pope Benedict XVI has launched a surprise attack on climate change prophets of doom, warning them that any solutions to global warming must be based on firm evidence and not on dubious ideology.

The leader of more than a billion Roman Catholics suggested that fears over man-made emissions melting the ice caps and causing a wave of unprecedented disasters were nothing more than scare-mongering.

The German-born Pontiff said that while some concerns may be valid it was vital that the international community based its policies on science rather than the dogma of the environmentalist movement.

WAIT JUST ONE SECOND. . . . ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS?

Well, folks. . .it’s been a long time. Just leave it to the Pope to get my panties all in a bunch!

After hearing this, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. The first thing that strikes me as amazingly ironic is, that the Catholic religion wrote the book on “scare-mongering!” Pope, don’t you know when you point one finger, there is three pointing back??

Then of course secondly, and probably the most ironic is, he wants us to base everything on hard science! The Pope! A religion that is faith based would like the international community to make sure they have hard proof the environment is in trouble! Are you sure we can’t rely on a gut feeling?? Maybe? No!? Why not??

Does anyone else feel uneasy about the Pope using words like: science, dogma, and ideology in the same breath?

It may just be me. I may be crazy! But, I thought one of the greatest proofs of God’s existence was the “environment.” From the swamps to the mountains and everything in-between, everything below, and above!

Every day the rain forest and amazon are in more trouble and with that, unknown amounts of species of plants, and animals. Every day more pollution goes into our air, our rivers, lakes, and oceans. Every day children starve around the world.  That is the most sad of all. However, that brings up a crisis even more dire. . . the human crisis.

It just makes me very suspicious. . . WHO’S POCKET ARE YOU IN POPE BENEDICT?

Well, that’s it for my ramble quotient for the day. Just wanted to give a shout out to everyone! Hope all is well! (I am doing fabulous… I actually just bought a Toyota Prius…(or maybe I will call it my Toyota Pious from now on!) 50 mpg!)

Oh wait, one more thing!

Revelation 9:4

“And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree;”

TAKE THAT POPE!!

Aubade – Do you have one?

An Aubade is a song of the dawn, usually linked with the motif of waking lovers and their reluctant parting.

Aubade

I work all day, and get half-drunk at night.

Waking at four to soundless dark, I stare.

In time the curtain-edges will grow light.

Till then I see what’s really always there:

Unresting death, a whole day nearer now,

Making all thought impossible but how

And where and when I shall myself die.

Arid interrogation: yet the dread

Of dying, and being dead,

Flashes afresh to hold and horrify.

The mind blanks at the glare.

Not in remorse-

The good not done, the love not given, time

Torn off unused – nor wretchedly because

An only life can take so long to climb

Clear of its wrong beginnings, and may never;

But at the total emptiness for ever,

The sure extinction that we travel to

And shall be lost in always.

Not to be here,

Not to be anywhere,

And soon; nothing more terrible, nothing more true.

This is a special way of being afraid

No trick dispels. Religion used to try,That vast, moth-eaten musical brocade

Created to pretend we never die,

And specious stuff that says

No rational being

Can fear a thing it will not feel, not seeing

That this is what we fear – no sight, no sound,

No touch or taste or smell, nothing to think with,

Nothing to love or link with,

The anaesthetic from which none come round.

And so it stays just on the edge of vision,

A small, unfocused blur, a standing chill

That slows each impulse down to indecision.

Most things may never happen: this one will,

And realisation of it rages out

In furnace-fear when we are caught without

People or drink.

Courage is no good:

It means not scaring others.

Being brave

Lets no one off the grave.

Death is no different whined at than withstood.

Slowly light strengthens, and the room takes shape.

It stands plain as a wardrobe, what we know,

Have always known, know that we can’t escape,

Yet can’t accept.

One side will have to go.

Meanwhile telephones crouch, getting ready to ring

In locked-up offices, and all the uncaring

Intricate rented world begins to rouse.

The sky is white as clay, with no sun.

Work has to be done.

Postmen like doctors go from house to house.

-Philip Larkin

Aubade-

Hark! hark! the lark at heaven’s gate sings,

And Phoebus ‘gins arise,

His steeds to water at those springs

On chaliced flowers that lies;

And winking Mary-buds begin

To open their golden eyes:

With everything that pretty bin,

My lady sweet, arise!

Arise, arise!

-William Shakespeare-

Aubade

First minutes of morning.

You

about to call it a night, me

ready for another day.

The birds

loud, echoes in the stillness

of not-yet-day.

The neighbors’

shower water rumbling through walls

like half-heard promises.

Our bodies

stiff—yours too long at the computer,

mine from deep sleep.

We don’t speak.

So it is a surprise to hear

your deep “please,”

lips pressed to my ear,

to feel

water and hands cascade

down my body.

-Beverly Acuff Momoi

Aubade

Not even the sky.

But a memory of sky,

and the blue of the earth

in your lungs.

Earthless earth: to watch

how the sky will enclose you, grow vast

with the words

you leave unsaid – and nothing

will be lost.

I am your distress, the seam

in the wall

that opens to the wind

and its stammering, storm

in the plural – this other name

you give your world: exile

in the rooms of home.

Dawn folds, fathers

witness,

the aspen and the ash

that fall. I come back to you

through this fire, a remnant

of the season to come,

and will be to you

as dust, as air,

as nothing

that will not haunt you.

In the place before breath

we feel our shadows cross.

-Paul Auster-

Aubade

My joy is the same as twelve holsteins

Standing in the morning light

Ugly Ragged Not clean

Like the thin cry of a calf

Like an angel sinking it’s teeth into my throat

The long windows open

The sidewalks puddle underfoot

Black and white winters

The pace steady, undefined

Under a street-lamp and off into ongoingness

An irregular wind brushes my curtains aside

A whirlwind of rotten fabric

Bursting from the nostrils

To float

Before they fall.

-Emily Christensen (My Aubade)-

Quote of the Day – Because I am lame and do not have the courage to write

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, senseless brutality, deplorable love-of-county stance, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action! It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.

-Albert Einstein

(I just found this today . . .it’s the 16th. ..I posted this on the 1st http://www.writtenonthecity.com/display.php?image=712&loc=1&type=city)

A Reluctant Pep Talk to Myself

Ok, because it seemed like a good idea (http://www.fourbux.com/) at the time. . .and a few were complaining that I wasn’t being upbeat enough. . .here is my mission statement.

(takes a deep breath…and holds it.)

I will be more optimistic.

Even if that means smacking myself a bit.

I will be more chipper.

Even if that means I must use a higher pitched voice while being so.

I will be more patient.

Especially with my loved ones.  (With whom I often want to kick in the ass. . .and I’m sure they would love to return the favor.)  And even if. . .that means keeping my fists off the car horn.

I will be less forgiving.

But, on the flip side. . .more forgetful!

I will take things less seriously.

Except of course, this mission statement.

I will get off my lazy ass and exercise.

Even if that means getting off my lazy ass and excercising.

I will take control.

Without going out of control.

 I will remove the empty toilet paper roll and replace it with a new one.

Because this bothers some people.

I will.

I promise.

I will think more before I speak.

Although that may make me less entertaining.

Lastly (although I am surely missing a lot more) I will quit casually smoking.

Because that’s just plain fucking stupid.

How far do we go, before there is no turning back?

Not too long ago I read somewhere that eventually wars will be waged over fertile land and clean water sources. A scary thought indeed but, how close to the truth is it?

On my most recent trip I met a farmer from Iowa. I was curious if the rumors were true…is farming a lot more lucrative than it was thirty years ago? We discussed shortly the government’s interest in corn for an alternative and an answer to lessening our dependancy on fossil fuel. I wondered if that would be valuable to a farmer. She had mixed feelings on the issue. In actuality how practical is it? The College of Agricultural Sciences at PennState suggests:

Burning shelled corn as a fuel can be a feasible way of dealing with the high prices of more conventional fuels such as fuel oil, propane, natural gas, coal, and firewood. Utilizing corn as a fuel does not compete with the food supply needed for nourishment throughout the world. While it is recognized that malnutrition is a serious global problem, the world is not experiencing a food production problem. Instead the world faces political challenges associated with providing infrastructure systems for food distribution and storage.

Contemporary agricultural systems can produce sufficient quality and quantity of food for the world’s population, with additional resources available so that agricultural products can be used as fuel, pharmaceuticals, and chemical feedstocks. Shelled corn is a fuel that can be produced within 180 days, compared to the millennia needed to produce fossil fuels.

Then I find some very helpful information from the website: howstuffworks:

With so much volatility in today’s world oil market, many are seeking out alternative fuels to power cars. Some, including corn producers, have touted ethanol is a possible alternative fuel. Ethanol, or ethyl alcohol, is made by fermenting and distilling simple sugars from corn. Ethanol is sometimes blended with gasoline to produce gasohol. Ethanol-blended fuels account for 12 percent of all automotive fuels sold in the United States, according to the Renewable Fuels Association. In very pure forms, ethanol can be used as an alternative to gasoline in vehicles modified for its use.
In order to calculate how much corn you would have to grow to produce enough ethanol to fuel a trip across the country, there are a couple of basic factors we have to consider:

Let’s assume that you drive a Toyota Camry, the best-selling car in America in 2000. We know that the Toyota Camry with automatic transmission gets 30 miles per gallon of gas on the highway.
Gasoline is more efficient than ethanol. One gallon of gasoline is equal to 1.5 gallons of ethanol. This means that same Camry would only get about 20 miles to the gallon if it were running on ethanol.
We also need to know how far you are traveling: Let’s say from Los Angeles to New York, which is 2,774 miles (4,464.2 km), according to MapQuest.com.
Through research performed at Cornell University, we know that 1 acre of land can yield about 7,110 pounds (3,225 kg) of corn, which can be processed into 328 gallons (1240.61 liters) of ethanol. That is about 26.1 pounds (11.84 kg) of corn per gallon.
First, we need to figure out how much fuel we will need:

2,774 miles / 20 miles per gallon = 138.7 gallons
(METRIC: 4,464.2 km / 8.5 km per liter = 525.2 liters)
We know that it takes 26.1 pounds of corn to make 1 gallon of ethanol, so we can now calculate how many pounds of corn we need to fuel the Camry on its trip:

138.7 gallons * 26.1 pounds = 3,620.07 total pounds of corn
(METRIC: 525.2 liters * 3.13 kg = 1,642 kg)
You will need to plant a little more than a half an acre of corn to produce enough ethanol to fuel your trip.

If you think you would save any money by using ethanol, guess again. Ethanol is expensive to process. According to the research from Cornell, you need about 140 gallons (530 liters) of fossil fuel to plant, grow and harvest an acre of corn. So, even before the corn is converted to ethanol, you’re spending about $1.05 per gallon.

“The energy economics get worse at the processing plants, where the grain is crushed and fermented,” reads the Cornell report. The corn has to be processed with various enzymes; yeast is added to the mixture to ferment it and make alcohol; the alcohol is then distilled to fuel-grade ethanol that is 85- to 95-percent pure. To produce ethanol that can be used as fuel, it also has to be denatured with a small amount of gasoline.

The final cost of the fuel-grade ethanol is about $1.74 per gallon. (Of course, a lot of variables go into that number.) The average price for a gallon of gas in the United States is about $1.40 (!) as of August 9, 2001, according to GasPriceWatch.com. (imagine that! only 6 years later and the price has doubled)

Imagine what type of demand there would be for corn to fuel a nation as big as ours. Imagine the sort of stress the soil would endure because of this demand. Essentially we would be taking valuable land and food sources to power our damn SUVs and Sport Utility vehicles, and eventually render the land completely useless. Now that’s a scary thought.

No worries. Perhaps we can help out Mexico. I recently found this article rather interesting from Oxfam:

Mexico’s 10,000-year heritage of corn production is being destroyed after just 10 years of rigged “free trade” rules with the United States, international agency Oxfam said today.
In a new report, Dumping without borders , Oxfam says that Mexican corn prices are freefalling in competition from heavily subsidized US imports. Local farm incomes are slashed, resulting in rural suffering and misery from which millions of people are seeking escape.

“The Mexican corn crisis is another example of world trade rules that are rigged to help the rich and powerful, while destroying the livelihoods of millions of poor people,” Oxfam Campaigns Director Phil Twyford said.

The US pays its corn farmers $10 billion a year which encourages them to produce a surplus that is then dumped onto world markets at artificially low prices. New Oxfam calculations show US corn is dumped in Mexico at between $105m and $145m a year less than the cost of production.

Oxfam says that successive Mexican governments must share blame for the worsening rural crisis after liberalizing the corn market with little regard for the impact on the lives of the country’s three million corn farmers.

However in May, after Mexico applied anti-dumping duties to subsidized US corn imports, the US lodged a complaint at the World Trade Organization.

“The WTO is in danger of collapsing under the breath-taking hypocrisy of its own rich members,” Twyford said.

“If the benefits of world trade are to be shared fairly – as everyone says they want to see happen – developing countries like Mexico must be allowed to protect their weaker industries. And rich countries like the US must stop subsidizing their agricultural exports.”

Well, perhaps not.

Hey! Maybe corn isn’t the answer! Maybe the answer lies in a tree!

The other day on the news there was research into a tree: the black cottonwood. It is found in Florida. The seeds from this tree can be converted into “biomass fuel.” Researchers and Scientists are very optimistic about the discovery and are planting “trees of the future” for the future. Here is a quote from an article you can find from the Southeast Farm Press.

“Of course, vast farms of the black cottonwood would come with another advantage other than cleaner-burning, cheaper fuel — the trees, like all plants, absorb the most significant greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide. They then store the carbon in their stems, roots and the soil.”

“Basically, you would have a fuel source for our cars that, in the big picture, could help capture almost as much carbon dioxide as it produces,” said UF researcher Gary Peter. “That would go a long way in slowing the biggest driver of global warming.”

The idea was suggested that it would be the future of not just the nation but, for Florida specifically. Lessening Floridian’s dependancy on fossil fuel, and also giving the state a new and valuable revenue.

So, what is the gripe?

I know this is a start but, I think it all is INSANE! Not to mention the fear of the farming practices that would be used to gain the objective, do you really think it is possible for us to depend on our valuable land to fuel the nation? I think not! There just isn’t enough to go around. I am so happy to see a growing awareness, especially in our children about the  environment and the oil crisis.  It’s a shame they have to worry about it, but, it is they who will really be reaping in the benefits.  The bottom line is this : We need to become less dependent on fuel and we must find alternatives.  And most of all, we need to change our myopic approach to the problems at hand(.)

P.S.
(if you would like more information about how corporate globalization effects the world you may want to take a look at this: Losing the Farm