I am not Magnificent

by errantsatiety

Someway, baby, it’s part of me, apart from me”
You’re laying waste to Halloween
You fucked it, friend, it’s on its head, it struck the street
You’re in Milwaukee, off your feet
And at once, I knew
I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
I could see for miles, miles, miles
Third and Lake, it burnt away, the hallway
Was where we learned to celebrate
Automatic bought the years you’d talk for me
That night you played me “Lip Parade”
Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
Saying nothing, that’s enough for me
And at once, I knew
I was not magnificent


Hulled far from the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
I could see for miles, miles, miles


Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
Above my brother, I, and tangled spines
We smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
Now, to know it in my memory


And at once, I knew
I was not magnificent


High above the highway aisle
Jagged vacance, thick with ice
I could see for miles, miles, miles

Shame.

by errantsatiety

I am ashamed. Ashamed of what has happened to me and what I then allowed to happen to me. I am ashamed of my capacity at deceit to feel cared for, to feel ‘safe’. The fawn response disgusts me. How can I ever live an honest life whilst I suffer the fawn response?

Desperation to be quenched.

“In many parts of this world water is
Scarce and precious.
People sometimes have to walk
A great distance
Then carry heavy jugs upon their
Heads.
Because of our wisdom, we will travel
Far for love.
All movement is a sign of
Thirst.
Most speaking really says
“I am hungry to know you.”
Every desire of your body is holy;
Every desire of your body is
Holy.
Dear one,
Why wait until you are dying
To discover that divine
Truth?”

― شمس الدین محمد حافظ / Shams-al-Din Mohammad Hafez

Words with love by ES.

God?

by errantsatiety

You can study God through everything and everyone in the universe, because God is not confined in a mosque, synagogue or church. But if you are still in need of knowing where exactly His abode is, there is only one place to look for Him: in the heart of a true lover.

~Shams Tabrizi ~

Curious that the perception is that God is a good Man or a Man, is not God a private moment with the sky, with a breath. With an experience you cannot explain that led you to safety or an experience that helped you to be and keep becoming.

Never judge another being except through love and empathy.

And you will ask me, what is love and what is empathy.

Pertinent for the now…

by errantsatiety
Lest I Forget

Another from when I was writing as KP.

It is amazing to revisit posts and see how much I was trying to heal and recover, currently I am taking some time away from my work to heal me. It is such a blessing to have the space and time to truly enter the healing space.

with love, Errant.

Joy

by errantsatiety

Let us laugh triumphant in the rain, toss your wild mane of hair in the sunlight, cascading rainbows of delight, I long to see your inner light, your inner child rise into delight.

With love, ES.

Image ‘Cherry Blossom Wallpaper’ sourced from CherrysDesigns on DeviantArt (thank you for sharing your work for free).

Ear Parcel: The Rain Song: Led Zeppelin

And if you would like a female voice: The Rain Song Cover by Chiara Kilchling

Loneliness

by errantsatiety

I dance alone against the turbulent tides

I have always survived, always smiled

Until now. My smiles are far and few between

I recall the evil that was done to me

That convinced me I was a demon

When I am not. I am an innocent creature

A small child whom encountered darkness.

with love, ES.

Image ‘the emptiness that accompanies loneliness’ sourced from RhinoRed on DeviantArt (thank you for sharing your work for free).

Skin Walker

by errantsatiety

Whose skin is this? What body do I walk within? Momentary contortion and confusion, then the ‘aha’ I know you, I know this form. New but familiar, you have changed your skin and your mind but I know your soul. You will seek to clothe yourself differently. You will seek different language to share your truth. You will feel reborn yet you are the same seeking a different form so you can hide and be rediscovered. Can you help it? Perhaps not, I ache, I ache to know you well enough that no change will hide you. If only we could all transform so easily. Many lives we live within the heartbeat of the small frame. One hopes that our intention is always well ‘intentioned’.

Out of time.

by errantsatiety

It’s been a long time, or so it seems, time is the simplest and oddest thing. A customer shared a story today and I felt I wanted to share it with whomever might read this. He happened to be nearby at the time the Rainbow Warrior was bombed in 1985 in Aotearoa New Zealand, he took a photograph that become iconic. Today I saw the original film. As an Auschwitz survivor, he kept his presence very low key. As he tells it, he just happened to be driving past at the time and realized something was happening, as a keen photographer he took some shots.

He told me today, we should all address tyranny in our lives no matter how frightened we are. In this day and age, I would suggest that tyranny could take many forms. Why are we so afraid? Let us meet our fears to become the best beings we can.

Love you all, so very much.

ES

Hector

by errantsatiety

Translate thought, formed of feeling, spared anchor,

If you knew me at all, you’d be fluent at reading these

Spells hidden within my static mouth and xylophone chest

Words not yet

Emotions at best.

Hectoring storm-clouds overhead

They say today it will flood

Maybe with the rain I’ll remove those blue notes and red letters

Yet sent

Sharing is so hard when people claim to know

What they never understood

I open myself to you under a bare bulb and flat sheet

Those colours of my life spill out of me into ether

If you look closely everything secret is stark in review

But most never notice, they only devour, and leave the door ajar

In case you follow them as they walk through empty rooms.

We’re two people, we’re here and we’re not

You can spend eternity lying next to someone and know

Nothing

Like an old clock that hasn’t worked in a very long time

Springs to life, with familiar tick. Is that my heart?

Is that my history?

We are strangers, we are swapping seed

We can die in each other’s arms

And never

Know the secrets of another’s creed.

Always in love, errant.

Borrowed Love

by errantsatiety

Father’s love

I have always envisioned, but never had, a conversation with my father about love. What I saw, what I witnessed was a relationship bound almost entirely in duty and responsibility. The children were raised, a good dinner was always on the table and the mortgage was always paid. I do not take these blessings for granted.

But my dear father, when you uttered the words “I love you”, is this what you envisioned love to mean? Is this the kind of love you always dreamed of? As a boy, consciously or subconsciously, this is what I interpreted. Yes it was honorable and respectable. Of that, there is no question. But did this ‘love’ stir your soul? Did every essence of your manhood quake in its glory?

So perhaps it should come as no surprise to you that I have always struggled to say ‘I love you’. I never wanted that kind of pale, bland love based on duty. And I don’t particularly care what is said in some ancient scripture or spoken by some small minded minister speaking from a pulpit.

I want to feel love in every fiber of my being. I want to feel our spirits to wrap around each other and transcend everything of the earth. I want our conversations to fill our evenings and delight our minds. I want to see her adoration.