“new year, new me”

And so it begins, the ‘new year, new me’ resolutions.

This affects nearly all of us, and most of our facebook news feeds, but I’ve narrowed it down to what I consider my top five:

Number 1 – This one is an obvious one, it’s the new gym goer. That guy that wants to become the next Bear Grylls and that girl that wants to be in Robin Thicke’s next music video. They both want to work hard, and therefore, buy bags of protein powder on offer, get the all inclusive, 24 hour gym membership and buy the top of the range gym gear to support their new hobby. And let’s not forget, their new healthy eating regime, which is plastered everywhere in the house to remind them to never fall weak and sneak skittles under their pillow.

Number 2 – The one that needs to start living. You know, they’re sick of the same four white walls, their office desk or even their textbooks. This means they’re going to go backpacking through Thailand, Cambodia and maybe even Vietnam before getting a farmer’s job in Australia and living indefinitely down under. Hoping to save money and start afresh in new surroundings, but a few months down the line they’ve spent all their hard earned cash and before you know it, back with Mother and Father in Surrey taking Maisy for a walk.

Number 3 – this one is mainly for the ladies, but applies to the men as well. That friend that says they don’t need a man and this year is all about them. They’re going to focus on getting their career started, making loads of money and going on girly getaways. Instead, come Valentine’s Day they would have taken any guy that’ll have them, started a relationship and planned their summer holiday. So what was meant to be a ladies spa retreat in Bali, is now a week away in Corfu with her man and his family.

Number 4 – the one that will experiment. The new me phase means that your wardrobe, your hair or even home will change to suit the transition. The new wardrobe begins, you get those jeans that last year you thought you could never pull off, but this year the game has changed and now you can see yourself doing a Beyoncé strut down Oxford street in them. The new hair, oh the new hair, you’ve always wanted to look like Halle Berry and get that pixie crop, and now you can because the new year has equipped you with balls of steel. And of course the home renovation, white becomes duck egg and that cheap £7 lamp from Argos that your mum bought is exchanged for a quirky £65 Ikea lamp and although its hurt the bank it means that when people come into your home they’ll think your artsy, fun and above all – interesting!

Number 5 – the one that vows to spend more time with their family. The last year saw some close family leave and so now all free time will be spent having roast dinners with the family, attending Jummah with your dad and making sure you call home every once in a while just to see if Nan’s taking her meds on time. Although that soon fades because you would rather have a Lord of the Rings marathon with your flatmates or play Call of Duty until sunrise than spend your weekends questioning whether your related to your crazy family.