Your Truths

Lately more and more I keep finding myself wanting to live more of an earthy bohemian-like lifestyle mixed with a bit of luxe. Minimalist, quiet, lots of travel, and delectable earthy sensual pleasures. These are the things I dreamed of as a teenager. I was never one to fantasize about a wedding or huge house filled with lots of children and a loving husband. I dreamed of being a business woman that was free to move about on a whim. This recollection of my past dreams has lead to my doing lots of introspecting and getting to the heart of what I really want and what MY truths are as opposed to what I have been taught to believe, want, and need. 

Q’s Truth Number 1 - I don’t want a traditional house with a yard and a dog. I want a loft, high-rise, or condo. A traditional house is too much of a commitment for me. I felt I should raise my boys in a house because, well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be done. I now realize that as long as your dwelling place is filled with love, understanding, calmness, and lots of food the children will be happy. I am not one of those mothers that wants my children to live with me forever, and I don’t intend to sign up to babysit my grandchildren every weekend. 

Q’s Truth Number 2 – I don’t want to get married. People are constantly asking when I will re-marry. Even my youngest son wants me to be married. I have dated many amazing men, but in my heart of hearts I don’t want to be married. That might change later, but for now I don’t want that. I love having options and the leisure of dealing with a man when I feel like it and on my terms. There is nothing quite like the ability to pick and choose who you want to spend your time with. If I am not in the mood to deal with a particular man’s flavor of personality, then I don’t have to. Every person brings something different to the table. If I want to chill, then I can call guy #1. If I want great conversation, I can call guy #2. If I just want a male’s opinion I can call a male without fear of my man becoming jealous. If I want to be pampered, then I can call just about any man. You get my drift. I get bored quickly and am very selfish with my time, so I need variety and understanding men that respect the fact that I require a lot of alone time.

Q’s Truth Number 3 – I don’t want more children. One of the first things most men ask me is whether or not I can bear more children. Yes, I can, but I don’t want anymore. I am constantly hit with the, “but what if you meet an amazing man that is perfect for you but he wants you to have his baby?” speech. At this point in my life, I would just have to let him pass me by because my answer is no. As with number 1, maybe this will change, but no time soon.

Q’s Truth Number 4 – I am not a traditional mother. My goal is to raise children that become adults that are self sufficient and can think for themselves. I encourage my sons to set trends, not follow them simply to fit in, and to blaze their own trails in life. This makes me a bit more of a laid back mild mannered mother. I rarely ever raise my voice at my boys and treat them with respect. For example, if I tell one of them to take out the trash I would say, “Kailon/Kambren, take the trash out, please. Thank you.” I say thank you before they do it as a way of letting them know I expect you to do it right now. I don’t order them around unless it’s bath time. Boys hate taking baths until they discover girls. I am a stickler for neat appearances, and at times it pains me to watch my 13 year old’s sense of fashion play out before my very eyes. I will make suggestions, and, unless he is wearing something totally ridiculous, I just roll with it and let him express himself via his attire. My only rules are no clothes with skulls and cross bones, because I don’t want reminders of death on my children’s bodies, and no sagging pants. Other than that, most things are fair game. I also encourage them to flow in what they are naturally good at. Kailon loves art, fashion, music, and photography. He’s not athletic. Even though he’s taller than me with a lanky frame I don’t push him to play basketball. Kambren is into anything sports related: wresting, karate, football, etc. I don’t try to get him to paint a portrait or play an instrument. I believe what you are naturally good at is what you should be doing in life. 

What are some of your truths?

Irons in the Fire

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anaïs Nin

That is one of my most favorite quotes by Ms. Nin, and it perfectly describes where I am in life at the moment. I am somewhat private and hush-hush when it comes to sharing my goals and aspirations with people other than the ones I am intimately acquainted with, mainly my mother and sister. I do this because, of course, I believe in the power of words and don’t want others speaking against my plans and praying/plotting against me. There are some pretty wicked people out there. I also do this because if I fail, I can quietly get to work on Plans B through Z without being publicly humiliated. I am preparing to feel naked in 5,4,3,2…

My sorta tame curls blowing in the wind

I entered a natural hair/modeling competition. I initially only wanted to enter the hair portion which was not a competition, just for the exposure and experience, but it required I be a size 6. Um, yeah…I am double that plus 2. I was going to leave, but two of the lovely women hosting the event talked me into staying and signing up for the full figured segment. I met so many amazing women! What lead me to even considering this whole ordeal in the first place was the fact that in one week I was told by three different people (one was a random older foreign man in the grocery store) that I have the strut of a model. I took that as a sign to stop procrastinating, cast my line, and do the damn thing. Whatever happens, happens. I am enjoying the beautiful journey. Pray favor for me guys and maybe even a modeling/spokesperson contract! I have two boys to feed. We all know boys eat ALL day long. LOL

My wild curls

I love to dance. I dance and sound like a White girl from The Valley, but I love to dance no less. I am great at choreographed dances and learn them quickly, and I have also been doing liturgical dance since I was about 15 years old. I needed to work out and get in shape, but between work and my sons I never had the time. I started doing strength training in my office on my lunch breaks. I did mainly squats and lunges because they work the bigger muscles thus burning more calories. I figured I may as well get more bang for my buck and tone my booty in the process. I have been interested in Zumba but none of the classes ever fit my schedule, so me, being the overachiever I sometimes am, decided I would get certified and teach myself on my time. Well, word got out that I am a certified instructor. Long story short, I will begin teaching Zumba on my birthday, September 21. I am hoping for much success and a loyal customer base, and lots of booty popping, hip shaking, and shoulder shimmying ratchet fitness fun. I want the women in my class to feel like strippers and have fun! A friend of mine said he was going to make me some ‘Undercover Ratchet’ shirts because my outer appearance is so…not ratchet.

The last new thing I am checking off my list is spoken word poetry. I have a friend that owns a restaurant and is looking to diversify her clientele and thus is now hosting an open mic affair every Friday night from 10pm to 2am. She asked me to help kick things off September 28th. This will be the first time I ever read my work aloud. I don’t know how I feel about all this just yet.

Needless to say I have been one busy bee. If you are in Houston the weekend of December 7-8, stop by the reliant and holler at ya girl! If you live in Houston and want to join my Zumba classes or want to witness me bless the mic for the first time just let me know and I will get you the info. I appreciate you, babes and gents. You may reach me via email at duchessqui@gmail.com. What irons do YOU have in the fire?

I do not own the image of Teena Marie, but I do love her music. I can listen to “Portuguese Love” endlessly while imagining being on an island at dusk with a rugged masculine man that has one hand around my waist as his other puffing on a Cuban cigar. The wind fondling my hair and carrying the scent of his Hennessey laced skin. Euphoria…

Sex-etary

What are these women outchea doing?! Some are always complaining that their men aren’t making enough money while others just let them walk around being sexually and emotionally frustrated, and others still are doing all three. Bad business if you ask me. Nobody asked me, but I’ma lace you with my opinion anyway because this is my blog.  

Apparently some of the men I work with think I am their personal nerd that will spew out research papers at the drop of a dime with only a moment’s notice. I usually look over their directions for the papers and let that ish sit on the corner of my desk as I carry on with whatever I was doing before they walked into my office. I love to write, but I hate writing research papers, or papers of any kind for that matter. I can do it and charge them for it; I just don’t want to, though. All of these men are married. I feel they should be asking the women they wife-d up for such favors. I am not trying to put another woman in a pair of Louboutins. If you don't care enough about your man making more money and bettering y'all situation then why should I? You sure as hell won't let him cop me any Loubous once he does make it. And that brings me to where I was going with this post. If you’re complaining about your man’s income or lack thereof, what are you doing about it?

As much as I hate writing research papers, I would write one with the quickness for my man if it meant bettering him and his situation because in turn I would be bettering my own situation. In fact, I would do more than write his paper. I would be his secretary, administrative assistant, administrator, brain storming partner, sounding board, motivator, all that. Get that money, baby! Ambition is sexy, and I don’t ever want to see it die. Hell, if he got frustrated I would gladly suck him off or whatever he needed done to get him back on track. I’m here to help you, be your partner. I want you to be able to hold your head high and walk around like the S.ugar H.oney I.ced T.ea that you are all the while knowing that you have a fully grown intellectually inclined sexy woman backing you. Do your thing, Daddy.

Don’t complain about it, ladies. Get to work. Rub his head and pillow talk about how amazing his talents are and start asking questions to spark his interest in bettering himself for the two of you. While you’re ego stroking him, don’t forget about yourself. Stay driven and motivated about your life and goals outside of him. If yours coincide with his, great! If they don’t, so be it, still pursue them. Most men want you to have a life outside of them anyway. If you just don’t like your mate enough to want to see him do better then it may be time to totally reevaluate your entire situation. 

This just serves as my kind unction to get you to play your part to ensure you have a great sex life, travel the world, and rock the hell out of some fierce Louboutins, Brian Atwoods, L.A.M.B.s, Schutz, Cavalli, Charlotte Olympia, and anything else you like. Everyone knows a man making money with a supportive woman in his corner will gladly do whatever it takes to keep her happy, and a woman blazing her own trail in life is a spicy fun one. That all makes for great sex, conversation, company, and emotional stability. Now that’s some powerful stuff.*cue Beyonce’s ‘Grown Woman’ followed by Jay-Z’s ‘On the Run’*

Breezy Baby ;-)

I finished my hair with just enough time to stop by the shoe repair shop before heading to the airport to catch my flight. I leisurely pulled into the parking lot of the shop, happy to be able to wear my pumps again. I could sense him coming behind me as I stepped out of my car. I didn’t catch a glimpse of his face as he gently played in my hair, licked my skin with the velvety softness of a most divine silk and cashmere blend, and sang sweet melodic whispers in my ear. As I turned to face him, he breezed beneath my dress, causing it to flutter and rise. I hurriedly attempted to lower the hem while being overcome by a blushing fit that was futile to fight. He disappeared into the steaminess of the atmosphere, leaving me there alone blushing and looking around to see if anyone had witnessed our saucy interlude. I felt so sexy holding a dirty little secret wrapped in exhibitionism. How did that naughty gust of wind know I was wearing no panties?

I'm Chilling

I am not seeing anyone exclusively. Actually, I haven’t seen anyone totally exclusively since my divorce. I am not against monogamy, but by the same measure I’m not out here looking to get ‘chose’ as a wifey, either. I’m chilling.


I met a police officer. Wait, let me back up. I met a banking call center manager. He’s 37, divorced, 2 children, claims to want no more children, and seemingly financially stable. We went out to lunch one Sunday afternoon. It was a very nice date. Lots of easy conversation, laughs, comfort…the whole 9. Fast forward 2 days. He sent me a text stating that he really liked me and wanted to develop a relationship with me. I told him that while I was open for building a relationship and getting to know him better I was not, however, open for exclusivity. I was totally honest with him. He’s a wonderful man, and just about any woman would be happy to claim him as her own. He said he understood. We still talk and try to plan dates around our schedules. He said he wants to travel, take trips, and things of the sort. Total sweetheart he is. The first time he contacted me he simply stated, “You are a beautiful lady. Are you seeing anyone? I would like to take you out this week. Let me know when you are available.” Um…okay Daddy. LOL. I gave him my number and thanked him for his straightforwardness. I really liked that.

Now, back to the officer. Dude is totally dope. We met while he was working security at the local grocery store. Apparently he had seen me buy wine a few times, but this night I only bought juice. He said, “No drank tonight?” as I was leaving the store. I was a little embarrassed, but he was cute, so it was whatever. He walked me to my car, and we chatted for about an hour before I finally told him to just take my number and call me later because I needed to go. He’s 38, also divorced, has a few kids, going back to school for his masters and hopes to practice law. We talk about music, clothes, men, women, hair, shoes, and literally everything under the sun. He keeps me laughing, but he’s also blunt and direct. Those are qualities I hold in high esteem. Mr. Officer is a bit more rugged, though. He’s from the North, so he’s a bit fresh, has a cute subtle accent, drinks his liquor straight with no chaser, has tattoos, and rocks Timbs. I TOTALLY dig that. I LOVE very masculine men. They ignite my feistiness like none other. He asked me what I was looking for, and I told him nothing. He seemed a bit irritated at my response, but I honestly am not looking for anything. I am open for whatever but am not gunning to walk down the aisle. I told him we would just see what transpires.

Then there’s the Nigerian that has been here for a few years. He’s 38 and claims he wants to be married by next year. We argue so much it’s unreal, but he seems to get off on my going off on him. I ain’t able. He also wants about 2 more children. I REALLY ain’t able. I don’t want anymore. I have 2, and my ‘baby’ is 8. I’m good. I know that’s selfish, but it is what it is.

Lastly, there is Mr. HC Muse from a few posts down. Mister man is sexy as all hell. I honestly can’t figure out what we are. I’ve asked him to define ‘us’, but of course he hit me with the, “let’s not label and confine what could be.” Fair enough, but I swear dude acts all pissy or suddenly enthusiastically pops up when my status updates on facebook suggest there is someone else. In all honesty, there was no one else around when I first met him, which meant he very well could have had me all to himself, but he failed to define what he wanted from or with me. Perhaps I am making the same move with Mr. Officer, but I also know how to open my mouth and say that I want a more permanent ‘something’ should my feelings start getting the best of me. I’m not for that passive aggressive hinting ish.

I guess what I am basically saying is I don’t want to belong to anybody. I like being free and able to change my mind on a whim. These are all wonderful men. Truly they are, but all provide something different that I need. Mr. Banker lavishes me with compliments. Mr. Officer nicely balances my ghetto side. Mr. Naija feeds my sadistic nature, and Mr. Muse gives me the purest affection a woman could ask for. I don’t want to die an old spinster, but I also don’t want to be in another unhappy marriage, so for now…I’m chilling.

Sweet Escape

I’m sure almost everyone knows I am divorced with two sons. It’s also no secret that I am sensual, maybe overly so, and I love men. What I have never done thus far, however, is mix my two loves, my children and men. I take my mothering seriously.


Every other weekend my children visit their dad. That’s my time to ‘date’ so to speak. I know that isn’t ideal for some, but I get peace of mind knowing my children have my presence at home with them during the week. That means a lot to wee ones. On the rare occasions I do plan dates on weeknights I am sure to have devoted most of my time to the boys and ensured they have been fed, bathed, given any medications, and homework has been done. These weekday dates are usually reserved for men I have known for a while that travel quite a bit and happen to be in town for a few days. I also sometimes give these rare opportunities to men I really like that have been understanding of my situation and have never pressured me. It’s a small way of saying “thank you” I suppose.

My children have never met any man I have ever dated. I don’t want them to see me with various men and perceive me to be a loose woman. I also don’t want them growing attached to anybody that does not have a significant role in my life. I imagine it would be hard as a kid having different men in and out of your life. Not to mention, there are lots of sick people out there that love to do the unspeakable to children. One can never be too trusting when it comes to keeping the babies safe from predators. My parents have been married all my life, so I don’t know what it’s like to have had various step parents, but I do know what stability and the safe feeling of home is like, and that is what I aim for in the rearing of my little love muffins.

I want to be loved and lie in the arms of a man every night, but I am not willing to compromise my boys’ childhood in order to achieve that. I indulge in my hedonistic pleasures on my own time when they are away. I salute the men that understand and respect my wishes. They are truly gems. I make mental notes of their likes and try to indulge them when I can as tokens of my appreciations. It’s men like them that make swallowing the pill of being a single mom a bit smoother. I always feel like a schoolgirl sneaking out when I go out with them. It’s the sweetest of escapes.

Sometimes

Sometimes, as a woman that seemingly has her ish together but acutely aware of all her shortcomings, I need a wide chest to cradle my head and brazen arms strong enough to make me feel no harm could reach me. I need to stand on my tippy toes and kiss soft lips that sincerely beckon my own and peer into eyes that adore me. I inhabit the sensation of having my skin, curves, face, and hair caressed by gentle fingers that soothingly dismantle my fortress of ‘Never Appear Weak.’ Occasionally I need to be in the presence of a man that allows me to simply be my perfectly imperfect self, sometimes quiet as a cool breeze and other times inquisitive as a child. Such a man may prove to be the bane of my existence, but at least I will have felt like a woman while I existed.

What Does it Take to Forgive?

It’s been a minute since I’ve updated. I’ve been kinda busy, kinda not, and varying between trying to figure some things out and simply not caring about other things. Eh, the many moods of life. The one constant in my life lately has been men. What else is new, right?

I have a male friend that I have been down with since high school. We met as freshmen in 1995/1996. Most of our Honors classes were together. We shared a locker because of this, and our times in class mostly consisted of me trying to keep him awake and being disgusted by discovering he had drooled in the textbooks while sleeping. He held down a part-time job and played football, so he was always sleep deprived. Our relationship has always been platonic. There were a few rumors that we were secretly involved in the past because we were so cool, but that’s simply not true. We’ve slept in the same bed and never so much as ‘accidentally’ grazed hands. I love this guy! He has impecible fashion sense, random topics of conversation, great sense of humor, and that whole otherworldly thing that most Aquarius people have going on. What’s not to love? He visited me after I divorced my ex-husband. We talked for hours and fell asleep on the floor of my empty apartment. He’s gone to church with me and came out to support me at my book release party. I even named his first child, a beautiful little girl. She’s a Virgo, too, so you know she totally rocks!

A few weeks ago he sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out. I was free, so I said yes. We hadn’t seen each other since my book release party which was a few summers ago. Whenever we hook up it’s as if we had never been apart. Anyway, he said he would call around 7 to firm up our plans and whatnot. I was PMS-ing, so I was a bit fatigued. I went home to lie down and wait for his call. It was past 8, and he still hadn’t called. I fell asleep, but I forgot my phone was on silent. I awoke in the middle of the night to find a missed call and text from him along with a missed text from a totally handsome guy I’ve been seeing, Mr. HC Muse from a few posts ago.

I felt horrible. Admittedly, I usually don’t make many plans in advance. I prefer to just wing it and go with how I feel at the moment. I know I am fickle and flighty, but if I truly care about you I don’t haphazardly flake. I make efforts to honor my words. I called him, and he sent me to voicemail. I left a message explaining what happened and offered to make it up to him however he saw fit. No reply. I sent him a text explaining again what happened. He gave me some nonchalant half-assed reply about being hurt and disappointed and now that he knows I am a flaker he knows what to expect from me. I tried to plead with him and get him to understand that I truly didn’t stand him up on purpose. He wasn’t having it, so I dropped it. I’m not good at groveling, and he said he’s good at giving people a hard time. I don’t hold grudges, but I don’t exhaust myself trying to get other people to change their stances, either. I am sincere. When I apologize I truly mean it, otherwise I don’t even bother with apologies. I am truly puzzled as to why he’s so upset. One would swear I had flaked on a guy that I was romantically involved with. Like seriously, what gives?! I wish there was a way we could get past this, but I suppose only time changes some circumstances and other times things simply play out the way they are supposed to. I love him, but I also am not one to kiss anyone’s ass in the name of forgiveness. You either forgive or you don’t. End of discussion.

Do you expect the party that wronged you to grovel for your forgiveness?

What You Call Me?

You are who and what you are. I always say that, and I fully respect people that make no apologies for being whom and what they are. I am, however, having a hard time accepting the adjectives that most people use to describe me.


I would love to be described as ‘dope’ and put into the ‘super fly’ ass category like Erykah Badu. She seems like that homegirl that everyone likes kicking it with. I get placed in the ‘sensual/seductive’ category with Jill. I stan hard for some Jill Scott and have every album she’s created. I take it as a compliment, and I totally get the comparisons in writing styles, but sometimes I wish people could see past the sex in my work and into the true heart of it, which is the soul. My image means a lot to me, so perhaps subconsciously that is the only side of me I allow most people to see because it is the least controversial. My rebellious revolutionary thinking other half shows in my strength of will and refusal to conform to society’s placating way of thinking. It shows when I am with my family and friends. I am blunt, logical, and kick some pretty profound ish from time to time. I easily mesh with my guy friends without being too over the top and hard to deal with. At least I think so.

As for appearances, I get labeled ‘sexy’ more oft than not and compared to the likes of Kim Kardashian, Meagan Good, and Jessica Rabbit. I get that. I’m super curvy. Sometimes it would be nice to simply be referred to as cute, pretty, or down to earth, though. I feel like people are always expecting to get the sexpot enigma from me. My best friend told me, “Sorry if Erykah had your body, NOBODY would call her dope and fly except as an afterthought. You on that Meagan Good shit...I'm sick of everybody seeing me as a sex symbol. Um, bitch, have you seen you and your Jessica Rabbit looking ass? I'm just saying, I am not gay and the first thing I think about when I see you, unpregnant Kim and Meagan is 'sexy.’ Sorry, Quai-Quai, but even in a bun, glasses and a t-shirt you still look like walking sex.” Welp, I suppose it is what it is and I should stop crying about it. Everyone needs a Scorpio and a Libra as friends. They seem to match us Virgo people in bluntness and lack of tact. She wasn’t calling me a bitch, by the way. Yeah, we don’t get down like that.

I guess what I am basically ranting on about is lack of people seeing the other qualities being overshadowed by the more dominate ones. What are some of the adjectives used to describe you? What are the ones you prefer?

Embracing the Queen Within

I am a Queen. I reign in my own right and sovereignty of powers, not by courtesy. There was a time when I would downplay who and what I was to make other people feel more secure around me. I have since learned that security is a personal matter, and no one can make you feel secure about yourself but you.


I wear what I wear, paint my toenails the color I like, style my hair that way I do, and do what I like because I like me and what I like. If anyone else happens to take notice and like it also that just makes it a little sweeter. I have body image issues like most women, but that doesn’t stop me from wearing classic feminine sexy silhouettes that play up my best features and ‘assets.’ I am proud of my curves and flaunt them every day of the week whether they are in a pencil skirt and pumps by day, a freakum dress by night or a softly flowing sundress on the weekends. I get dirty looks from some of my female colleagues because I flinch not when donning a sweater dress and over the knee boots, pashmina, and huge curly locks to the office. I smirk and keep it moving. Confidence. Go get you some along with your life and stop giving me the evil eye. I think the sexiest things women can wear are a smile, sensuality, confidence, and occasionally coyness when it comes to men. Women are more prone to critique, whereas men do more admiring. Learn to admire and uplift another woman. You empower without losing power. It costs you nothing.

I am a pusher. My main purpose for being in anyone’s life is to motivate and push them to act to secure their futures. I want to know what your goals are, what you want out of life, what the plans are, what you need from me, and when you intend to get started. You will at the very least THINK about your future if I am in your life. I will to see all the ones in my realm know what it means to truly live freely in their creativities and freedom of expressions. Life is meant to be enjoyed, savored, and lived. Take chances, take an interest in someone else’s interests, and believe in them as well as yourself. What are you passionate about? Run with it! A Queen breathes life where there was none and is a servant to those she reigns over.

When I was a child I read the dictionary for fun. As an adult I have the word of the day emailed to me. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed nerd. I love words, asking questions, and probing the minds of anyone what will allow me the pleasure. I know a little about a lot. I love being pampered, especially by men, but I have no qualms with pampering myself. I love champagne, wine, silk/cashmere blends, pedicures, kisses, fast cars, and generous lovers. Opulence turns me on and earthiness makes me smile. I am a nerd that equally loves nice things and the simple pleasures of life. I am stubborn, defiant and a bit of an asshole. I am okay with that. Know who and what you are and OWN it! Who gon’ check you, boo? People have no choice but to respect the fact that you are who and what you are.

I vary in nature between the complexity of a Rubik's cube and the simplicity of a child's puzzle. My honesty is sometimes delivered with a smile and the sweetness of honey, other times with the biting tartness of citrus fruit. I am open-minded and nonjudgmental, but I never change my morals for anyone. I am a woman of exotic simplicities and understated complexities. I am a Queen.

The Beauty

I am an appreciator of beauty in all facets. I often wonder what it is about beautiful people, though, that seems to simultaneously captivate, intimidate, and rouse unjustified feelings of loathing and hostility. Even in the Bible, the beautiful ones seemed to be favored by God and rose to positions of leadership, but they had some of the hardest tasks to carry out, and more than a handful of haters…David, Esther, Rachel, Joseph, Solomon, etc. Even now beautiful people are favored and get away with more, but by the same measure they are exploited and disliked for naught. Being that God is the ultimate creator, are aesthetically appeasing people the ultimate forms of creation created to reflect just how asinine human nature can be?

It’s perfectly okay to have someone’s penis, fingers, and tongue in every orifice of your body but NOT okay to question them about their sex life outside of you. It’s easy to remain emotionally unavailable because when one can’t deal with it there is a harem waiting and vying for the attention and couldn’t care less about the ‘real’ you. ‘Friends’ has become synonymous with cut buddy. Having endless options leads to making no decision as long as a handful are always down for sexing. Labeling limits what ‘could’ be. Half truths and lies by omission are strewn about to avoid hurting feelings. Don’t ask, don’t tell, but the truth blares even when there are no words being spoken. I want it all, your all. Your good, bad, shallow, deep, beautiful, horrid, ambrosial, stench, tasty, gag inducing. I want you, your whole truth, your whole you, you solely, your soul with no other soul ties.

Nymph and Pegasus

I absolutely suck at dating. I always have. I’m witty, playful, and sarcastic with a seemingly endless supply of suitors, but I don’t play games. I’m always honest about what I want and how I feel, and I don’t enter into any relationship lightly and casually. I am looking for possession. I want pure intimacy and to totally merge with and consume my lover. Yes, I’m intense. In return though, I am extremely loyal, trustworthy, honest, and devoted. Maybe this has something to do with my Venus sign being in Scorpio.


I view people as investments, and I am pushy when it comes to encouraging others to follow their dreams and ambitions and utilizing natural talents. I will invest my time, attention, resources, honesty, concern, and love into the people I care about and believe in. This is why I prefer labels. I need to know my boundaries so I don’t overstep them, and having boundaries allows me to gauge how much of myself and my resources I should invest in a person. I don’t want to waste my emotions and time trying to build something with someone that either doesn’t appreciate it or simply doesn’t want it. Be upfront and honest with me about exactly what it is you want from me, be it just a friend, a potential relationship, someone to kick it with occasionally, a bennie, etc. Let me decide whether or not I want to be that. I am very content allowing men to take control and define what we are, but if they fail to, then I define things on my terms.

I have heard and read many times that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly yet expecting different results. I keep falling for the tall, handsome, GQ-ish, crown royal on ice kind of man. You know, the suave nicely dressed ones that make you the envy of all women when you are draped across their arms. They are kind and generous, bold, authoritative with commanding presences, lavish their beautiful women with compliments, attention, and affection. Admittedly, I love having a bold but charming lover I can show off. I bask in the reflected glory of such. I blame my Mars being in Leo for this. I consider these men my equals, and well, we look damn good together. Men want to be them, and women want to be me. Their boldness and charm match mine, and their authoritativeness awaken my need for a partner that can challenge yet subdue me. They can hold their own intellectually and respect my free spiritedness, intellect, and independence. The problem with men like this and me is that I don’t like playing second fiddle or sharing my toys.

I never assume I am the only woman these men are seeing unless we have agreed to monogamy, but once I find out for sure they are seeing other women, I bounce, or at least remove some form of privilege from the relationship, which is usually my open playfulness and/or sex, leaving things more cerebral than before. I’d rather be celibate than knowingly share. Yes, I have a big ego, but more than that I am totally genuine and don’t have more than one sex partner at a time. I suppose I expect the same in return. The thought of kissing someone’s lips that may have been on another woman’s honey pot just hours before literally disgusts and pisses me off. It’s all about reciprocity for me.

Yes, I am an oxymoron of a woman in many ways. What I essentially am holding out for is one I can give all of me to, one that can really appreciate my deep sensuality as well as my mind. Once I am secured there is hardly anything I wouldn’t do, give, or try to keep things the way they should be. I always gauge the temperature of the relationships in order to know what needs to be injected or subtracted to keep a sexy flow and balance of harmony and passion going. Maybe this nymph is hoping for her personal Pegasus to ride into realms and dimensions unexplored and live like the gods we are. I’m a dreamer with big faith, but I’m far from a myth. I’m the real thing.

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Islands of Pretense

Ain’t nobody trying to impress y’all. I know that sentence is all kinds of grammatically incorrect, but those are my feelings. Anybody that knows me well knows that I don’t habitually bash men and will go to bat for them on various issues. I don’t know about other women, but THIS woman is tired of the stereotypes in regards to honesty, integrity, keeping up appearances, accountability, what we want out of relationships, and countless other issues.


Men say they want honest women, yet when we are honest with them, they rarely ever believe it. Before I get into it, though, I just want to say I hate the J. Cole line, “She say she only f*ck like 4 or 5 n*ggas, so you know you gotta multiply by 3.” If I tell you my number you need only multiply by 1, or you could simply believe what I tell you. I really hate when men automatically assume a woman is lying about the sensitive things, or anything for that matter, simply to save face. I know things like number of sexual partners can be deal breakers for some people. The truth has a way of always surfacing, and I don’t want any man to be with me under pretenses. I have no need to fudge my numbers or anything else. It is exactly what it is. If it’s something you can’t or won’t deal with, then you are free to move around. No hard feelings. Some of us don’t care to indulge in the games of “Oh! Let me lie to him so he doesn’t see that I’m flawed!” or “Let me make him think I’m something other than what I really am!” Ain’t nobody got time for those shenanigans. I believe most things are black and white even when there are multiple sides to the issues. Bottom line, you either do or don’t, will or won’t, can or can’t. We’re all adults with free will.

I usually have an idea in mind about the direction I want most of my relationships to go. If monogamy happens to be on the agenda, then I bring it up. I like to always know where I stand, and I reciprocate that with others. There were times when I have told a man or two that I would prefer we be exclusive but only when they were ready. I give no ultimatums and play no games in matters of the heart. I love very deeply and am very loyal. I also let them know that I won’t wait forever for them to be ready and will be gone if they take too long. This takes place only after I have analyzed and determined whether or not we can be beneficial to one another. Understandably, this sounds like a business partnership, and in many ways it is, with great sex and friendship being ultimate bonuses. I don’t want a man simply to say I have one or because he happens to be sexy, cute, attractive, etc. My goal is to be your partner and helper. By the same measure, I don’t want to be wanted simply because I am found to be attractive. I have no qualms bringing my talents to the table. Tell me what you want or need done, how you want it, and I will get to work on it. When you succeed I succeed as well. I want to be proud of you and don’t want a man I can’t assist in some facet. I need to feel useful for something other than sex, cooking, cleaning, and making babies. Those things are easily attained.

I was listening to a Youtube cast thingie hosted by two guys I’ve met. The subject was about accountability. They went in on women, claiming most don’t take responsibility for their actions preferring to elude accountability. I had mixed feelings about the show and was even a little miffed at some of the opinions, but I can understand how they came to their conclusions. This post was somewhat inspired by that show. I’ll place the link below. The audio isn’t suitable for work.

We make things too complicated trying to either be what we think others want us to be or trying to decipher if others are what we think they are. Honest and genuine people get shirked in the process and lost in the shuffle of pretenders and cynical pessimists. Perhaps we could all benefit from strong dosages of spiritual discernment in order to dismantle the islands of pretenses that we have possibly become and project.

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