Love Is

I once viewed marriage and relationships as the merging of two souls. An excerpt from a piece I wrote in my book states, “we are leisurely and fluently interfusing into one impressionistic abstract work of art.” I thought that line was incredibly beautiful at the time, and I still do, but at the time I wrote it I was a young twenty something year old enamored with what I thought love was while simultaneously licking the wounds of my divorce and wearing rose tinted lenses.

I thought when you found love everything would fall into place and you would become the axis on which your mate’s world turned.  I don’t know if I really thought that or if that’s just what I wanted. I wanted desperately to love and be in love. I saw it as the answer to all my problems. After all, what in the world compares to being in love and having your mate love you in return?

Well, as it turns out many things can easily compare to such. I decided to stop searching for love and just focus on becoming a better person. I realized though I didn’t have a mate I was surrounded by people who loved me, and love is love no matter who it comes from. That aside, on my journey to becoming a better person I let go of what I thought perfect love looked like. In fact, I even dropped the notion of ever being remarried altogether and became content with being single for the rest of my life.      

Not long after I became content with not allowing my marital status to have any bearing on my happiness I met an amazing man who actually approached and courted me. He stated his intentions from the jump, and so far has been following through. Being with him made me realize I no longer hold the same views on what I thought love and relationships should be.

I now think love and relationships are two individuals willing to share their living spaces and the majority of their lives together though not necessarily being the axes on which each other’s worlds revolve. Even though I am currently in a relationship I still belong to myself. Love was once synonymous with ownership for me. That no longer rings true for me. People don’t belong to other people. I am willing to compromise and make concessions, but I will not change who and what I am to be what I think he wants in a mate. I just hope we remain compatible through all the inevitable stages of evolution as we become who and what we are to become. That process is never ending.

    

Yes, love is incredibly beautiful, but love is also making someone face their shit and deal with it. Love is encouraging another to grow. Love is telling the truth even when it hurts. Love is toughing it out even in times you aren’t particularly fond of each other. Love is tasting your words before you spew them. Love is being mature enough to handle your emotions. Love is when their smile makes everything in your world okay. Love is a hug that doubles as a haven. Love is freedom to be. Love is two souls that remain two souls but color inside each other’s lines from time to time.  

Power in Submission

I am a control freak. I often feel things won’t get done properly or at all if I don’t do them myself. As I journey inwardly in search of truths and answers I am discovering there is power in submission.

Submission simply means to yield or to stop trying to fight or resist something; to agree to do or accept something that you have been resisting or opposing. My only resolution/word for the year 2015 was organic. I promised myself I would allow things to naturally unfold in my life, take it all in, and go with the flow to see what would happen. This has been one of the most challenging yet rewarding years of my life to date. I am yielded to the unknown and having to learn to trust God and the infinite wisdom and perfect timing of the Universe in all facets concerning: my children, finances, spiritual growth and evolution, my heart, emotions, everything. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Being yielded to the unknown is causing me to make various changes in the way I think, view people and situations, and is causing me to question my deepest motives for everything I do. To find these answers I am forced to go deeper into myself. It has been disheartening yet freeing to realize I have been lying to myself about why I do certain things. What a humbling experience.

I got to this place via frustration with the stagnant pace of my life. I got mad at God and started asking why about so many things. I was in search of the truth, honest truth, not what I had been taught to believe was true or what I told myself was truth to get past emotionally tough times. I needed to know why I wasn’t progressing in life as I should. What was the blockage?

The blockage was me and my need to control everything. I am terribly afraid of poverty and not ever settling down with the man that allows me to totally be all of me. The fear of being lovelorn causes me to hold on so tightly to my heart that I choke the life out of anything good that could possibly grow there. Fear of poverty causes me to stress myself out trying to ensure my children and I never go without, and that in turn is one of the quickest ways to end up in poverty. The truth, my truth, is bitter but healing. In submitting to truth, love, God, the unknown, and the Universe I am starting to realize and believe I have the power to determine the outcome of my destiny.

Mommy Chronicles: Allergies, Asthma, &...MILK?!

I’ve had the displeasure of nervously sitting in the waiting areas of hospitals twice as my youngest son underwent surgery to have tubes inserted into his ears due to frequent ear infections. Paying thousands of dollars per year for visits to allergists was no fun, either, especially when nothing seemed to work long term. Giving another person a saline rinse is pretty much one of the grossest things ever, but I received so much joy as globs and globs of snot were dispelled from my baby’s nose after the rinses. The things that bring mothers joy.

My youngest son loves milk and orange juice. When he was around three he started having recurring ear infections, really horrible colds seemingly year round, hearing loss, and constant wheezing in his chest. His pediatrician suspected that he wasn’t suffering from colds, rather he had severe allergies and asthma, so she referred us to an allergist.

The allergist conducted breathing and allergy tests and came to the conclusion that he did in fact suffer from allergies and asthma. He put my son on steroids that seemed to help, but he gained so much weight. He went from a super skinny kid that was considered normal healthy weight but tall for his age to being considered clinically obese within a week of being on the meds prescribed by the allergist.

All of this led to about four years of constant back and forth appointments between the pediatrician, ear nose and throat specialists, and the allergist. This definitely took its toll on me emotionally and financially. His flare-ups would always occur at the worst times for me. Sometimes it got so bad I would literally sit in my car, cry, and yell at God for this being so difficult. I was a single mother, and his expenses were draining my finances. I made up in my mind that I was no longer taking him to all these specialists that couldn’t cure him.

I did a ton of research on allergies and how they were directly linked to asthma. The trigger for all his complications seemed to stem from his love of cow milk! I wouldn’t let him drink milk for periods at a time and noticed he had no asthma flare-ups and little to no congestion the led to ear infections which led back to the asthma. I put him on almond milk because I read even soy milk can be a bit unhealthy. He hated almond milk and begged me to buy cow milk. When I did all the symptoms came rushing back: congestion, allergies, and asthma.

I no longer buy cow milk, and he’s adjusted to that. More orange juice suffices for him. Every now and again he will ask for regular milk, but I simply refuse. I have grown quite accustomed to not fretting before bed hoping he doesn’t wake up super congested all because I forgot to give him a saline rinse, allergy tab, and asthma treatment before he fell asleep.

Finding the culprit of his ailments has spurred me to invest more time researching a more holistic approach to life overall. I now make one hundred percent beeswax candles to purify the air in our home, and he and I are working together to help him lose the weight he gained from years of steroid use. What was once considered a huge burden spawned into a life overhaul. We are taking baby steps, but we’ll get there.

Do you have any problems with cow milk?

Let It Go

There can be such liberty in letting go, both voluntarily as well as involuntarily. Many times we cling very tightly to the things we are familiar with for fear of the unknown and of being lost. I am discovering that there can be much joy, pleasure, truth, and healing on the other side of release. I have been going through my own process of releasing and letting go.

If you have followed my blog from the Truth Spewing Fire of my Heart days, then you know my relationship with my ex-husband is pretty much nonexistent. He got re-married before we got the chance to resolve the  issues from the marriage and divorce. We got that chance earlier this year after being forced to come together to discuss some issues our eldest son was going through. I was able to tell my ex-husband exactly how I felt about him, his parenting (or lack thereof), his new wife, and how he left me out there alone to care for our sons. He was, in turn, able to tell me exactly how he felt about me as well. A few weeks later his wife reached out to me via social media, and I was able to tell her exactly how I felt about her. For years I never rocked the boat and never fully voiced my true sentiments about them to them because my goal was to keep the peace for the sakes of my sons. Do you want to know how it felt to finally be able to get that off my chest? It felt amazing. I realized I had been harboring hurt, resentment, and anger for almost seven years behind people that genuinely weren’t worth it, especially when I got a glimpse into their lives and realized without an ounce of doubt that I indeed made the wisest decision when I filed for divorce. No one is worth harboring negative thoughts and emotions over. I wish them well.

I have worked in Oil and Gas for as long as I can remember with no real issues, but the closer I got to my eighth year work anniversary the more angst I began to feel. I hated going to work because the work I was doing seemed pointless to me, and hardly a day went by I didn’t get sexually harassed from colleagues and managers alike. I would look out the window of my office and long for the day I could work for myself and enjoy the nice sunny days outside at the park or take long lunches with my favorite people. I felt like a caged bird that was dying, doing the exact same thing every single day with very little variation. I wanted to quit every morning, but I didn’t want to quit without having something else lined up. There were rumors of a layoff swirling, and I desperately wanted to be one of the chosen ones to be laid off. My wish was granted. Although I didn’t have a backup plan in motion I haven’t missed a beat. My afternoons have been filled with basking in the sunshine and having too many long lunches. I have ten extra pounds that can attest to that. During my downtime I have been pondering on what it is I truly want out of life and what I hope to accomplish. My recent experience of being without traditional work along with a conversation with one of the most beautiful men I know are pushing me to finally pursue the path of happiness over that of money. I always chose the path of money out of my fear of poverty and lack. So far I have lacked absolutely nothing.

For years I have been curious about yoga, but I was always warned against it by the Christian community. I recently decided to give it a go anyway. I’m cool with the God I serve. Initially I liked it because it was extremely relaxing and aided in my goals for more flexibility, but the more I took it the more in love with it I became. One morning near the end of class the instructor asked if we wanted to end with hip or shoulder openers. No one answered, so she went with hip openers. One asana in particular changed my entire morning and emotional life, the pigeon pose. I felt a barrage of sensations as I released the tension in my buttocks and relaxed my breathing to go deeper into the stretch. I distinctly recall wanting to cry for no reason at all and feeling overwhelming love for a man that I had been trying desperately to push away. I could no longer deny that I loved him deeply and wanted him in my life. I had been pushing him away because my kind of love would drive me crazy. The only way I knew how to love was obsessively and possessively. When you love that way you have no peace, and the person you love is always under scrutiny and never fully trusted. I don’t want that. That yoga pose opened me to my emotions, and I surrendered and went deeper into myself to understand why I was so emotionally retentive but inwardly wild with passionate. I desired to let it all go and gain proper balance. Every day I release a bit more, and I have come to accept that even if things don’t work out between us I won’t harbor the heartbreak and block love from flowing in, out, and through me. He is not mine to own. Healthy love is love without ownership or attachment. Love is and should be as free as the wind. I am also more mindful of my body and gauge it to see if I am holding tension anywhere. I noticed I hold tension in my back when doing the dishes and slump my back and shoulders when I’m procrastinating and not feeling truly confident.

I have so many more issues to be worked out within myself, but learning to let go has been a beautiful experience for me. I now look forward to discovering more and more of who and what I am by releasing what hinders me. What do you have yet to release?