Filed under: Girly
Apparently, I have a gift of writing only under severe mental duress, but I’m happy with this one. It wasn’t supposed to be a poem, but a prayer, cuz I’m tired of being without, yet not willing to settle. I was stressed b/c the man involved was pretty much perfect for me at the time, but we had different views on how the kids would be raised. No point on continuing knowing what I knew. My roommate, who is one of the most wonderful people I know, after meeting him, said I should write a list of what I want in a man, and I’ll see that he isn’t it. She said it in love, and she’s right. Still, it took a week to seal the deal. If you are this guy, I hope there are no hard feelings.
So, here’s one for my “girly” section.
I pray for a husband, God, who has a heart like yours
A man who, on me, his heart would outpour
He has a heart for You, a heart for me, a heart that cares for all
A man who accepts responsibility, who rises to the Call
Someone who shares my passions, who loves to be outside
He loves to touch me and, for no reason, go for long rides
He wants to make my dreams come true and wants me to be a part of his
God, I pray it’s in Your will for me; it is my heart’s great wish to
find the man who shares my fantasies
The one who serves you, Lord, and secondly is me
He knows when to hold me, and when I need my space
He knows exactly what I need , just looking at my face
He knows because we talk openly about our feelings and thoughts
I will continue to serve You, whether he comes or not
I give You my all today and accept Your will for me
I accept the things that are hard to see when You’ve convicted me
I pray You keep me in Your ways and lead my simple life
I pray that one day You’ll allow me to be a good wife
I ask for what You want for me, and that You make it clear
Cuz Lord I know that You know best
And You are always near
My plans have been put on hold, as my car is not cooperating. I’m so ready to go, even though no one has looked at the apartment, my car is a hole in the bucket, and my nieces are put to bed crying about every other night. I give up control of my life.
My heart breaks every time I see them. I have no answers for the girls I helped to raise, and telling them to go to Jesus and ask Him for help in dealing with it seems trite. It’s hard not to cry when they mention their mom, as I very much still miss her, too. I would be lieing if I said my heart is 100% in the move, and it’s mostly due to them. It’s an awesome training opportunity, and I would be stupid not to try for it. I miss the rest of my family, too. I miss the “down home”.
I don’t miss the traffic or humidity, but the activities and the ability to breathe are nice. Guess that’s it for now.
I don’t care. Not in a ” I hate you, I don’t care ” sorta way, but I’m not responsible for anyone except me. We weren’t meant to shoulder burdens of others’ feelings, just to comfort them thru. I hate when people tell me how I should feel, even worse conivingly.
Thank You, for the good, long nap today. Also, that the day was nice enough for the family to go out and play. Thank You, Lord, for the quiet times. The shift of focus was awesome, too. Especially, thank You for letting me “get” Angies POV. She is obviously from Your heart. Handcrafted.
Thank You for the people who pray for me, as I need it, and You know that. Now that I’ve had a day of rest, Lord, strengthen me for the rest of the week. Don’t let me get lazy on packing and storing, as I remember last minute moving. 32 hours
Thank You for the blessings You’ve bestowed on me, and all that I thought You held back. It’s all good.
…and all parties are better for it.
When things hit the fan, who can put them all back into place better than You? I think I got the message.
Don’t let my pride get in the way of Your best. We all need humbling experiences, even if they hurt a little {or a lot}. When the Big O catches wind, I ask that he be understanding. You know I’d love to be forgiven what I did, but Xavier didn’t seem willing to me.
I pray that You would keep growing me into good relationships with the people that belong in my life, letting me remember the blessings they have all been. God, show me where the hard ones are blessings. My head gets tough, I know.
God, help me with the violent streak thats been hitting me lately. I can’t seem to get past it, and today was proof that it’s not going anywhere on it’s own. The Statement’s getting old. It’s really not funny anymore. I can’t change without Your help. There is no excuse. Although I’ve pretty much ruined any chance of You using me here, I plead forgiveness and healing.
Is it this hard for everyone that takes the Walk? Do others just hide it better? I try to trust You, and end up ripping out of Your hands the very things I just claimed to release to You. It’s hard, Lord. I wonder why You evr called me to believe, yet I have no doubt You’re here.
The Queen lost control, and the jester took the crown, only to realize that he had taken the place a little too well. When the King came back, the Idiot decided the conditions of his station weren’t conducive to his lifestyle, and left promptly. The Queen covered her bruises as if nothing ever happened, moved to the River, and refused to trust the King again.
Maybe it could be a series…
Filed under: Letters to God
Thank You, Lord, that everything is in the open. Though probably not the best for relationships, I’m sure there’s a reason. Funny how it always happens in groups. Even funnier how predictably.
Filed under: Plans
Stow or sell stuff.-06/30
Get boxes and pack.-07/15
Leave. Undetermined 08/15-12/10
Yay, Meatloaf! How’s the world today? God, I’m trying to be patient, and it’s hard. You are good, and I’ll wait for You. I feel cranky, and have for a few days. It’s not the loss of the car, nor the dating thing, the roommate things, or the Jeremy thing. He was actually quite nice to me today, though. I’m tired, and I’m actually glad to not have my car, because I’d probably just hit the bar, and shortly after, be meeting You face to face.
You always said You’d be here, and I trust You on that. How You could forgive me is still a mystery, but I’m trying to believe it. It’s hard, and I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I guess I thought that facing sexual temptation would be easier after 6 years without the slightest hint, but here I am.
I feel so guilty and disgusting, but I know that’s not how You see me. You are healing me and working in my heart, and I pray for Your strength. It’s time to get to work on this.
I read part of Love and Respect by Eggerichs. I tried the Respect test on a few guy friends, and it works!!! Not only that, but I’ve determined it is very hard to avoid disrespecting anyone, but harder with boys wanting to be treated like men; even worse is if they disrespect you afterwards.
So, I’ve determined to Try to respect my guy friends more, and one of them seems to hate me more for it. Interestingly, none of them know that they were tested. We used to get along, but I think he’s upset that everyone thinks we’re a couple, when we just get along very well, when we do. I have to work today, I’m broke, and I don’t get paid until Wednesday. Need to talk to the pastor about the gift cards. I might go back into counseling, and I don’t get to spoend time that I want to with my family. That’s life, for the moment.
Numbers 6:24-26
24 ” ‘ “The LORD bless you
and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Filed under: Letters to God
Hehe, all LOST-esque. The only show I USED TO watch. Who am I kidding; I’ll never give it up. In giving back to F L, the world seems bigger. And scarier, somehow. I’m kinda scared to live in a world where a kid feels he has to hit evryone, kick everything, and bite when someone tries to hold him. I’ve always been a shy person, but I don’t remember being that violent so young. God, I can’t ask what horrible trauma he has endured, but I pray that I can make a positive impact in his life. Give me strength to come alongside these kids{and eventually their parents} and let me always be reminded that it’s YOUR strength, not my own.
I ask if FL is where You want me for Your purpose, and not mine. If my heart was any more broken, I’m not sure I could handle it. I find it quite curious that when John and I were at Rev, You lead me so strongly to work with his family. I always thought we would partner up side by side there. God, they are such a great family. Help me to show my appreciation in ways that truly bless them. If You want me at Rev…Lord, just, what do You want me to do?
God, I ask that our household would learn and stick to good money practices, and I’m the guiltiest. This tax season has proved very difficult for me. Thank You for providing. Thank You for Mark, who didn’t have to help me change my tire. THank You for Ken, who paid for the new one. I ask that I become more of a blessing to both of them. I pray that you would show them how to be men after Your own heart. I love them both dearly, and You know what we’ve been thru together.
Thank You for the Houses, Lord. Though we’ve had our ups and downs, they’ve been a blessing, for sure.
Thank You for my family,
Mom- God, only You know what she needs. Dad-ditto. James-echo. Loyd and Jen-Bless them here, bless them in Korea. God, if there’s any way I could visit them before they go, I would love to. Lisa-let her find love in You, the only love she’ll ever need. Grandma-the sale of her house. The Fairchilds.
The Zerbas-let the move be in Your time, and let tomorrow be a huge success for Ken’s business. Most of all, let them be in right relationship while they’re together, as well as apart. B & C & family- I’d love to have a visit.
For the Houses-let their relationships have less trauma in them. Let E come into a home where he is loved.
I lift all these things up in Jesus’ name.
After the conversation with Ken, I revisited an old friend of a book, aptly named, “I Really Want to Change…So, Help Me God”. What do you think I found there?
About three pages in, the writer said that revisiting the past is not necessarily good for change. Actually, it says,” The key to change is forgetting, not remembering.” The Biblical part is Philippians 3:13, wih an emphasis on Joseph’s life, also. The point of this portion of the book is faulty methods of change, whereas The Wounded Heart was more focused on the unhealthy relating habits of a victim of Child Abuse. God, are they cooperative with each other? I s one right or wrong, or better than the other? I’m gonna really focus on the messages of each, and leave the rest up to You. Open my eyes to whatever You’re trying to show me.
As far as relationships go, I ask for the shoulders to bear them. I’ve found myself distant from others lately, as I either get tired of them bragging about things or complaining more than I want to hear. Am I just too impatient? Do they ever talk about things that matter? Is life really that shallow?
Thank You, Lord, for the mountains and the sense of adventure you have instilled in me. I ask for friends that have like interests to share them with. Thank You for hearing me.
Ministry, Work, Love, and Life 