“I wish I never touched no one before
I envy the hearts that you’ve adored who you’ve loved
Don’t wanna fight so let’s settle the score, tear me apart
But don’t let go”
11 years.
A story so old I forgot it. A story as old as my will to write. A story that makes me wanna write.
When your teen dreams come rushing back to you and you’re overwhelmed by that childish energy and faith they have. You’re older, wiser and stronger now, but you lack that faith and now this magic brings your hope back. There was no way this would happen and somehow you made it real by coincidence. And now… you’re fucked again )
This is more than you can handle and you know it and it will feel amazing if it goes through and you’re so afraid to hope it will, because this might be one of those cases when it looks so perfect that it crumbles. It’s the guy that always knew what to say, tought you, made you laugh, shared with you, told you you’re stupid when you needed it, but that he’s always gonna give you his shoulder. And it was all at a distance. You loved him as a friend, as a close person, as a soul that will always be there for you. And now you’ve destroyed the distance between the souls and made it bigger between the physical.
There was a time you were dreaming about being with him, in your childish plots, dreaming just for yourself without anyone knowing because there was no, but no freaking way he would think of you different than as a friend. Well guess what, he did… and then he said that he’s not doing it anymore and that in another world he would have loved the hell out of you ) and you will have to be thankful for that.
And you periodically make yourself to forget about him because you can’t let it swipe you off your feet. But when it comes back, it’s the best you feel at the moment. The best thing that happened to you in the last year. It is that feeling that you forgot and it is so familiar, because it’s like from another life that you’re remembering… a glimpse into the time you were planning to become a writer, writing stories, being all excited about anime and talking every day with that guy that cracks you up )
He still does, and does much more than that.
31st of August was the last time I saw Kid. I guess I needed to see him 3 times, to be ignored this 3 times so it would get to me that I should give a shit. Well, more like I knew I should give a shit, but I couldn’t. I was thinking that if by any chance I would meet him in my life I would feel vulnerable. But this feeling I have now, this disgust, I have to keep it, this memory of ignorance, I have to remember it, so next time we meet I won’t see him, I won’t recognize him, because I shouldn’t. I don’t know such a person, that’s what I should do. Yeah, trying to erase someone was never my strength, but it’s important to keep trying.
I’m not pretty sure why i’m doing this)) It’s not something important anymore, it’s not shocking me and it’s not giving me strong thrills, but somehow I think I want to document stuff linked to people I care(d) for. So we met again, well, at least I saw him and maybe he saw me. I looked away when I saw that he’s about to look at me. I am not sure if he recognized me (that’s the upside/downside of starting to wear glasses outside at 22 =) ), but we conveniently ignored each other again. I saw him entering the pharmacy next to the station where I was heading to after I would have finished my shopping. I stopped at the station not being sure he actually entered the pharmacy, but then, when I was texting my friend I saw his pink (!!!) T-shirt getting out of the pharmacy. He got into a minibus which stayed the next minutes just in front of me while I was supposedly looking for my trolley, then it left. Some part of me still hoped for a little bit of politeness for the sake of the old friendship. Even if I was planning to be cold for obvious reasons (at least at the beginning), and my pride didn’t let me do the first step (again), I still think that I (we) deserved at least this last “hi! how are you doing?” small talk. It seems that it’s done, and I have to stop thinking about it, but I’m sure that if I see him again, I won’t think differently, I will still wait for a friendly smile and a “hello”.
whining journal 