“I think you forget that we are super girls, you and me, but mainly you,” my 13-year-old daughter whispered to me recently. Her blossoming into a young woman is like watching clipped movie reels, revealing uncut scenes of the childhood I wanted for myself. As she walks down the block to school, her ponytail swaying,…
Life Without Conditions: Motherless Mothering
There are stories we yell out to the world with a megaphone, stories we tell only in the dark, and other stories we keep buried under the rubble in our thick skin, the skin thickening with time, loss, disappointment, and hurt. Recently my mini me, a proud and soulful preteen, had the chance to scratch…
The Ties That Bind: Motherless Mothering
“I am sorry I was born and caused you so much pain.” The scribbling in my old dusty notebook brought back an old familiar pain, long forgotten and buried in the rubble of my foster sister’s basement. As an introspective young girl and a bit of a loner, I filled notebook after notebook with endless…
Motherless Mothering: The Endless Cure?
Like most mothers, passing milestones are sometimes bittersweet. After all, my identity has been intertwined with motherhood for 12 years. Old habits are hard to break. Often, beaming with pride at another birthday or school year, I feel an almost stabbing in my heart. Change is coming, change is here, and the bubble of early…
The Other Side
At my daughter's age, a counselor told me never to forget three important things I learned in foster care. What happened to me was not my fault. My experiences made me mentally strong. At 12, I could take care of myself and protect myself. Don't forget that at 42, she added. I am not 42, but that marker is not too far off. I forget…
End of the Line ?
Former foster children live a patchwork life, with bits of small recollections of the past, often blurred by emotional pain. Most of their own heritage and lineage remains a complete mystery. Identity is shuffled and recreated in different foster homes. In adulthood it can remain precarious. A lifetime of sorting through a past they will never find, leaves them…
Orphanhood and Batman: Redifining Foster Children’s Labels
It has been a long time since anyone looked at me and used the term "orphan," but it happened this week. In a clinical sense, the word may fit, but its connotation implies weakness. As my mini me told me, "Aren't Batman and Superman both orphans? So that's it, you are my Batman." While I do not…
Blue Pin of Courage
I wore a blue pin this week and had someone approach me, "Is that for Autism awareness?" I felt almost bad saying no, but my blue this month is for child abuse prevention month. Child abuse kills 5 children in the US a day. A DAY. Thousands of other victims a day go on living;…
Kit Kat Bars and Hope
I was 9 years old, but my little legs and little belly made me look about 5. I was cute, no doubt. Stumbling into the social service office, I looked over at my case worker Drew's desk to make sure the picture I drew him was proudly displayed. Drew was a very tall man, probably…
The Ebb and Flow of Letting Go
My nerves and heart were both tested this week. The realization that the world can intrude on the safe, secure space I have built for my mini me, came crashing. Former foster children who become loving parents are rocked hard deep in the soul even by minor intrusions on the children we have sometimes smothered…
It’s My Party-Celebrations and Foster Children
Today is my Mini Me's birthday. Her big blue eyes have been rolling all week, because I have been ceremoniously weeping over her baby photos. Mini me sighs heavily, simply because a recollection of our connection, is already very real to her. For children in foster care, this day of birth comes with a painful…
A Reason to Believe
I spent a lot of time in my own mind as a foster child, dreaming up my ideal holiday that would not ever come. For me, the lights of Rockefeller Center scripted fantastical stories that eased the pain of being forgotten. While most of the world, no matter what tradition, awaits big family meals and…
Getting Back on the Horse
Sometimes I stumble. Actually, I stumble often. Sometimes the past whispers in my ear, tells me I am not good enough, tells me my attainable goals are out of reach. It whispers I am not beautiful enough, smart enough, rich enough, strong enough, or worthy enough. My inner voice is polluted at times. I…
“Other” People’s Children
There is no doubt the foster care system in America is overwhelmed. Hundreds of thousands of abused, neglected and homeless children swarm in and out of its complexity. However, America still has a moral obligation to help innocent immigrant children escaping religious, personal, and sexual persecution who bleed through our borders daily. I know this…
Re-Writing History
My little girl graduated from 5th grade last week. As I watched her eyes look for me in the crowd over the dozens of families strewn together, it occurred to me that being her anchor has indeed saved me. Sharing moments with her and for her, my only real familial connection, heals me. When I…
A Lesson in Living
As one of my favorite writers once said, when we rummage through our souls, we often find things we should have kept hidden. In my rummaging lately, nothing is more stirring than the first feeling of mini me's hiccups in the womb. It was my first true biological connection…
Shedding Light on Forgotten Children
The last image I have of my mother is her sitting in a low chair, pregnant, with long straggly hair below her shoulders. I am maybe 9 years old, and she is crying to me. She is apologizing to me, she is promising me a new life, and then she is rambling nervously. Her eyes…
The Tracks–Home: Daily Prompt
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/prompt-our-house/ The train rushed past my house every 27 minutes or so bringing millions of strangers to and from one of the largest hubs in the world, Penn Station. The noise of the train rocked my street and at times, shattered its foundation. It trembled at odd hours and to me always seemed magical. When…
What’s in a Name: Fostering Identity
When my daughter was born, I studied her face. It was in her little eyelashes and wide forehead that I searched desperately for a piece of me. I had and still have never seen an infant photo of myself and I was curious that my "first" biological relative would resemble me, a trait I…
Follow the Leader: Role Models and Foster Care
There is a missing link that is easily overlooked when discussing children in foster care. I spend a lot of time focusing on the idea of womanhood and just female leadership in shaping those children who do not have any role model, transient models, or unhealthy, abusive models. Male leadership is equally a driving force…
Survival of the Fittest
A recent foster care case in Florida this month has many wondering about the abuse of children in the foster care system. Six children were removed from a home after nearly dying of starvation, having been locked in separate rooms, covered in feces and abused for a long period of time. The foster parents had…
Motherless Daughters and Womanhood
As a child in foster care, nothing was worse than seemingly meaningless holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day. As an elementary school girl, being forced into making empty family trees and pottery gifts brought the sting of unworthiness and a not-belonging that was at times difficult. I was put in foster care at age…
Sassy Shrimp Scampi
There is nothing quite as bright as the hue of meyer lemons hanging over the Amalfi Coast. And every time I make our simple lemon basil shrimp, I feel like me and mini me have escaped to a land where cobalt blue meets canary yellow. We can dream, can't we? The healing properties of lemon…
Handle with Care: Time to Step Up
In 2013, the state of Texas was startled to see the number of children's deaths in foster care rise. The state passed legislation this month demanding regulations and oversight of foster homes. It includes stipulations that frequent home visitors be assessed, community relationships be monitored , that work, finances and mental health issues be looked…
Protecting the Unprotected
A friend and advocate shared this post this morning about the manipulative tactics of child predators. It is something that anyone who works with children in the system needs to read. The traits listed are a personal reminder of the insidious methods of those who truly prey upon children in care. http://swtimes.com/news/special-reports/sexually-abused-children-usually-know-their-abusers Children in foster…
The Missing Parts
In my first years out of college, I worked at a newspaper and was anxious to be assigned anything that had any merit, anything besides the usual car break-ins my editor felt I needed to cover hourly. I had stories to share, I had things to unearth. I had research and gems I wanted to…
The Lighter Side
Many say they know how to do it, few actually know how to really make it happen. In the kitchen and otherwise, there are imposters running amok. Nothing will wreak more havoc on an Italian woman's soul than trickery extending to the kitchen. In American households, this treachery is everywhere and is very evident when…
The Tao of Womanhood: Leadership..Pass it On
History's strongest leaders rerouted their army when food supplies were cut off, they found creative ways to overcome hardship. They were respected, not just feared..and most importantly they sat across the table from known enemies and compromised for the sake of those that followed them. Leadership is something we all need; as children and adults…
Not All I Can Give
Me and Mini me starting off the New Year right and cold!! I love seeing her little smile as we squish a new friend in between us down the hill. Seeing mini me's face light up makes the world feel right. I am so blessed. This new year started off surrounded by people I love…
Attachment Vs. Detachment : Theories Vary
Rainer Maria Rilke discusses the incompleteness of lovers who lose themselves in others, without first finishing their self work. It becomes a whirlwind of attachment and detachment. Decades of research shows early neglect or abuse hinders the brain from learning how to healthily attach to others. For children in foster care, early neglect and violence…
A Mighty Good Man: More Men in Mentorship
I was inspired today by some photos of a male friend who surprised a few kids and shared their school lunch table today. The kids were beaming, huddled close to his strong smile. I see photos a lot, and I have many men friends who are good fathers, but something about one of the photos…
A Finished Feeling 