I sit here this evening the chaos of Christmas still nibbling a little at my ankles but the feel of this new year is with me.

I have small plans for this new year which are of course the most important plans of all.

I plan to take time. to reflect and ponder.

Time to pamper myself and not be forever trying to be in the next place I should be.

It’s going to be a good year.

The world is going crazy around us and there is little we can do about it, so quite frankly, I am going to stop trying, as if me worrying was making any difference anyway.

I will make the most of the time we have. for who knows how long that is.

I plan to breathe and enjoy, to love and laugh and live. fully in the moments and days and weeks and months of this year.

and I can’t promise, but maybe I will get round to telling you about the highlights of 2014. because they were superb.

Love to you and yours.

It has been an amazing summer full to the brim of so much love and family time and exciting adventures. I can only look back in amazement, I will blog some of it soon I promise.

Autumn seems keen this year, a little too keen if you ask me, early September and I feel the chill of October days in the morning air already. My, this year has flown. in a good way but so fast. Is this what being 40 is like I wonder?

Amy and Jake went back to school yesterday. Amy into year 11 and her big GCSE and prom year. and Jake into Year three, the start of middle school and not being a little one anymore.

Luna is on heat and we are letting her go out, not that I am sure there are any non fixed male cats about to do the job. How sweet to see a litter of kittens, and Luna a mum. we will be watching her belly.

I sit here now with the house deliciously empty enjoying a few days downtime before I start some sort of routine to get jobs done.

I have plans for painting furniture, remodelling a room, learning French at night school and dying my hair a new colour and an idea for a book too.

I hugged Dan goodbye this morning, in his crisp shirt, smelling of laundry, his neck smelling of loved and familiar and I missed him the moment he left, I listened to his footsteps walking to the car and the driving off and the gone of it and I pondered how can a woman be so lucky as to have a good man, a loving, handsome, kind, stand up guy love her for all these years and I pondered the depth of gift it is to be loved and held and hugged and to be lusted and wrapped up in that deep place of familiar trust that is a long Marriage.

The Human spirit of hope is unrelenting, if you let it grow wings, it will fly.

Beyond rhyme or reason.

I find my main drive and meaning in life is Kindness, being kind, smiling at people, wanting the best for them.

I find much joy in the little things, A bright sunny day, a child’s smile, a flower in bloom, a glass of cool clear water to drink.

I am deeply grateful for the life I am living. I seek out things to be grateful for each day.

I savour, a clear lungful of air, a warm and filling meal, a cold ice cream on a hot day, a warm hug full of love, crisp sheets on the bed, a vase of flowers on the windowsill.

I find deeper meaning in the bigger things, the precious arrival of a new baby, an achievement, some demonstration of good in the world.

Accepting the fleeting nature of life, not taking time or days for granted, realising we just don’t know about tomorrow and making some peace with that. living in a way that  the things that need saying are said, nothing is left for last words that may not be our privilege, each day reaches a closure. In the time I have already had my loved ones know, they were and are my life.

Travel to see the world and feed the soul, live fully in the moment, whatever fully means to you. be it in a book, or watching a sunset or holding your child close.

Seek joy. smile, be Kind, find your own meaning, seek acceptance, be grateful and savour life.

There is a club that dreads a new member, I joined a decade ago.

One day out of the blue the phone rang and Dan answered it, something drew me to the banister to listen, maybe it was the tone in this voice, or the way he sank to sit on the stair but I waited there, wondering till the too short call was finished and I looked at him still, eye to eye, soul to soul and he told me my little brother had died, in a road accident.

I sank to my knees and wailed, went stone cold and could not stop shivering.

The last ten years have been a lesson in living, first I had to learn to live at all, to stop hiding under the duvet, to see through the fog of shock and denial, to walk one step in front of another and to battle the random panic attacks to get my girl to school.

More living took 2 years to come, to smile and mean it, to feel a little flutter of happiness in my heart again.

But life is never the same again, each day the dreadful reality of life has to be forgotten to live some sort of worthwhile existence.

We are broken really, the survivors of tragic loss, those here one moment, happy and young and full of life, then gone the next. We walk about like normal folk, but we aren’t.

I spoke to a friend the other day, there was a road accident that took a young teen’s life in my community this week, my friend has known such gut torn out sorrow and as we spoke I could see it in her eyes, taste it, for I have known it and I wanted to hug her, but we both knew, we had walking to do, kids to get home and such emotion can overwhelm.

The club has new members from my town tonight, a Mum and Dad and ( oh why such suffering) a little boy who loved his sister.

Can I say for the record how tired I am, how horrified and sad and drained and wishing life was kinder?

How pointless life can seem when such love can die?

Now I need to put that reality I wish I didn’t know back in it’s box and get on with life, for what it’s worth.