I assume that I am not a very good friend. Sometimes I feel like my friends also think likewise, if it’s true I am both sad and surprised.

I am sad because I have always been quite rude with anyone I thought is not deserving of my friendship and I am surprised because I have literally wasted my sweat and blood in some people’s friendship.  From fighting with boys who made my friends cry their eyes out to re-gifting the most beautiful wine glass I got to my self-proclaimed best friend, I have done that all. But at same time I have shouted at a little friend for trying to eat my nimco. I have left groups to join the popular ones which makes me think a few of my ex-friends believe they are not smart or good enough just because I chose someone else over them and believe me this thought kills me. Imagine that someone is less confident of them self only because you left them. This feeling boils up everything in my stomach and where some feel butterflies I feel there is a dump of garbage on fire.

Most of the times I have been a bad friend but in a few friendships I have literally wrapped myself in a gift paper, presented it to my friend and gave them right to use me like they want.

I am guilty of not treating people with the respect every human being deserves and at the same time I regret overwhelming some people with supremacy they were not worthy of.

For everyone, meaning of friendship differs, for me friendship is all my feelings lying in one single word hamsafarz. It is a random word for many people but for me and my school friends it is an incomplete yet a funny memory.  We were 9 friends and initials of our names made up this word hamsafarz and I was the one who discovered this fact because I was totally obsessed with Fawad Khan’s drama humsafar and my friends back then 😀

In school I didn’t like all of them. In fact I always wanted three of them to leave and two of them wanted me to leave as well. But everyone comes to a point where they are sitting all alone in a quiet room with wet eyelashes trynna suck air in to catch breathe again, when I reached at that point I realised how lucky I was to quarrel with those three friends of mine when I had nothing else to do. At that moment I realised those friends of mine were little different from me and despite those differences we never wanted to leave each other. It was that second when I got to know the reason behind our stupid fights was not that we hated each other rather it was because we wanted to talk with each other. Despite wanting to talk, we never had a common point to talk about hence we simply used to fight for the mere sake of speaking our hearts out.  If I ever get a chance to go back at school and stop arguing with them and actually start speaking with them, I will never ever take that chance because without all that fights and arguments I would have never realized how much I adore them. If I simply had ignored them instead of speaking ill on their faces I know I wouldn’t still be in touch with them which could have been quite unlucky. But if I really ever get to go back to school I would definitely change one thing which is giving all my attention to only one person in my group. I really shouldn’t have let her take over my mind. I remember all the time I used to think what is there I can do to make her my best friend. I compromised my integrity just to become her best friend and now this makes me feel pity on my own self lol. I should have tried to become everyone’s good friend instead of trying to become only her best friend. Nonetheless she became my best friend and it was like happiest day of my life. We have been best friends from five years now and I have some pretty good memories with her, and I love her. Moreover I realized my other friends are important too and I started to strengthen my friendship with them as well. Now I am more comfortable in talking with my other school friends than with the one who I still call my best friend. I guess that is because we both have changed and this is good for both of us.

When my life took me to college I found this most amazing person in this small planet of a huge universe. It was destiny who made us friend. All beautiful memories of my college come from being with her. We were four friends and she was my favourite amongst them. I loved other two as well but what I had for that particular girl is indescribable. Going to college and telling her what happened yesterday was the first thing I wanted to do every morning. The only thing I wanted to listen was whatever is going with her life but things didn’t remain like that for long and she left college. Then next year I was part of a group with two amazing seniors and two of my previous friends but all four of them were not able to give me what that one person used to give me; comfort. Comfort is what made our friendship special. I realised one cannot be friends with someone if they don’t feel comfortable in their presence. Let me just ask you if you are not comfortable in asking your friend to take off her socks and give it you and walk sock-less while you enjoy comfort of her socks are you even guys even friends?

Her friendship made me realise that the most essential feeling of a strong friendship is comfort. If you can comfortably sit in her room making your assignment on her laptop and she is silently looking at the way your hands type words without getting bored then never lose her friendship no matter how hard you want to stab her when she cancels all the plans.

Till college my friendships have been simple. If I liked anyone they were my deal, if someone liked me back were each other’s deal. If I didn’t like someone I simply won’t talk with them, if someone didn’t like me back we simply won’t interfere in each other’s life and that’s all. But then I reached university and whoa there was whole new level of this maze. People saying we are not friends instead we are family literally made me cry. Like how can you call us your family and then go stab a knife crafted with lies in our back? Let me tell you what I found in university;

• People who insult your family in false attempt of getting comfortable
• People who make fun of your choices in name of humour
• People who won’t send you a single text in months but will call you three times a day if they want you to convince someone to buy their product
• People who try to kill your reputation in front of someone you really care about and when you stop them they go like ‘okay fine, I won’t talk with you again’
• People who hurt you but still want you to explain everything
• People who lie
• People who steal your friends
• People who hurt your feelings
• People who humiliate you if you want to go to a friend’s house to wish her birthday
• People who insult you because you were feeling sick and puked
• People who will only clear their point and won’t let you speak
• People who will never talk to you but when they want you to make them your assignment they will act like your greatest friend
• People who will make fun of you if you feel like reading
• People who want you to sit in their sick group just so they can make fun of you
• People who intentionally give you a negative ambiance
• People who kill your confidence
• People who will call you babe if their friend is absent
• People who will talk behind your back if you chose to respect yourself and leave
• People you can never please
• And most importantly people who blame you for leaving and never ask themselves that what it is which made someone leave them

It was my fourth semester in university when I decided enough is enough. It was the time when I stood up for myself and decided to walk away from those who make me feel bad about my own existence.

It’s not like that I never found any genuine friends in university.  I surely have 3 to 4 genuine friends in university but I am not quite close to them because I don’t want to ruin those friendships with all the politics air of university beholds.

The reason behind sharing my experience with friendships is to tell what I have learned in last decade about friendship and my peace of mind.

The first thing I learned is that do not force someone to become your best friend. They might actually become your best friend but you will constantly feel pressured that this is one-sided feeling which can be as wrong as it can be right. The second lesson I learned is that there are plenty of fish in the sea so if you are facing troubles in becoming friends with one particular person then stop taking it on your nerves and try to catch up with other people you’re surrounded with. Next thing which I learned is very important (at least for me) is that a friendship without feeling comfortable with each other will never sustain. No matter how long it takes if your conversations are forced you will end up making excuses for not talking therefore, if you really want to make your friendship survive you will have to find comfort within each other.  And the last yet most important lesson I have learned is that LEAVE. Yes, leave those people who make you lose all your confidence, leave those people who make you question your own self-respect, leave those who radiate negative vibes. Simply leave them and go find friends who will support and motivate you at every step of your life. Trust me if you are going to continue sticking with such people hoping that one day they will change, this is never going to happen. I myself have spent 3 semesters thinking that my friends one day will understand me but it never happened even after my hundred attempts of making them understand me and at last I had to leave and then I thought why didn’t I leave before? I know if you walk away people will gossip. The fear is real. I myself was afraid that walking away will make them talk behind my back but just question yourself which is worse? Allowing someone to humiliate you or let someone talk behind your back and in return you will get bonus sawab 😀 I know people always judge the one who leaves and they never look under their own skins wondering what did they do which made someone leave, but do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t even care why are you leaving? No dear you don’t deserve to be with that sort of person. So just leave that sort of friends who make you unhappy and everything in your life will get better.

Perhaps, she wasn’t an ordinary girl. She was incompatible. All those girls, who came into my breathe-less nights and let me profane my sinful night on their un-dressed bodies were beautiful too. Beautiful and extravagant. But her kind of beauty was yet unseen to me. Rare. Appealing but familiar. I remember my happy dream, dream of breathing and living, I can still, after all years of titillating and leting transgress spoon-feed me, I can still see peace and I know what purity of soul feels like. She was that feeling. She giggled and my breathe-less eternity took a breath. Really, I breathed for a second. I’m still breathing, may be. And the strange thing is, I’m not lying drunk on some one’s body and have caged myself in thoughts of her, usually a play or slay-boy like me don’t think of a girl this way. Surprisingly I even want her but not on my bed. Thoughts like these are horrifying. How a miserable and breathe-less individual who’s mascot to agony which ruins his own life can think about living. Thinking about unfeasible, ah what else I can do? I know I’m man of thrones, I belong to ladies who would let me use them. I deserve fiascos and a wretched, breathe-less life. And my sinful past is crawling to get me, so it can slang me in no-wheeze-illusion and I know after every thing I’m going to slit my love-deprived skin with blades yet I’m thinking of life, I’m trying to recall breathing skills, strangely I’m in practice of sustaining and above all truths she seems real. Because she wasn’t an ordinary girl, perhaps. She was incompatible… the right word for her.

“Honey, Our souls’re as related as sleep and eyes”
“Oh, but have you ever wondered sleep isn’t related with eyes it’s related with peace”

He loved me with differential esteem
Cause he pertained to nobility
With respect and glimmer
He used to infer
All what he should have not mumbled
He used to enliven his soul
Through serving me like a Hedgehog

He,
had cursed me
Like a goblin is cursed
To ugliness and lesion
Slowly he hewed my skin
And sucked the blood out of all wounds

He was a recluse Headstrong
So I made him heretic, to his demons
To whom he used to worship for heaven
Then he was a beautiful infidel
All ghosts were so envious
’cause
On my unclothed body, he started praying

A conceited devil,
He was
Loved me through
delightful lust
Touched me in a sole manner
Every inch, went addicted to him
Never treated me like rotten ragout
Not after,
Squeezing me upside down

Abused me, Stroked me
Nibbled me with a precision
Used to hawk me with his words
Bit me, slapped me
Chocked, when he himself bleed
But never he betrayed me
Sometimes treated me like a Knight too
Oh my holy villain
Slayed me in sinful nights
My beloved, evildoer

Everything was too pleasant
But then, goddess of death went evil
Slurped his soul, Snared in a coffer
Noble people,
Cursed elf,
Divine demons,
Narcissistic devil,
Hungry villain
Are now so pleased and delighted
To see me deprived of my dearest

I’ve heard many people saying, that horrible demons of night magically slay the flowers in their heart. Mauve nights greedily enter their bones and profoundly dislodge some remaining power of sympathy and endearment to their souls. They say a silent enmity with black memories dart when white meteors wander through sky. But my days too, are strongly bewitched by torments of someone’s absence. My days are mascot to the agony caused by imaginary presence of someone. Slowly, they squeal and become a dilemma and with a meek stance offer me options of survival, either to sustain with sogginess through delicate snuff which will render me all flaws I once had or to live with all those scars and fears which flabbergast every piece of my soul, which bring new catastrophe with all old memories and which never fails in dwindling my endurance to my quintessence. My scary days force me to choose any of these poisoned hays, luminous day utter that whatever I choose, however I survive, my chosen companion’ll stay with me forever. Bright sunny day count that this ‘forever’ won’t last with my breathe, it’ll stay with me like an incurable curse because my chosen companion will vengeance me to himself. It’ll troll into my vision when I no longer can see and will sing me songs when I no longer can listen. For not choosing any of them, for staying safely and for sake of my amour I become flippant to days, so they angrily don’t let me choose. They force me to live with my dilemma, they curse me to never ending thoughts and regrets. I float between life and sustenance, and with lust, eagerness and thirst I long for peace. With enviousness and insecurity I ogle at those who are only afraid of nights.

I disobey Him, I profane my sins, I neglect Him, I become deaf to Him, He call me, I pretend that I am not listening, He still give me a call, not only I disobey Him, I ignore Him, but He never stops telling me that He is there for me, He is protecting me. He tells me that I am a drop of water and He can control actually He controls several oceans, He tell me that I am a petal and He is creator of flowers. He tells me that I can go nowhere, I can have nothing and I’ll find darkness even in hue if I refuse Him.

Sometimes I even refuse to believe Him, sometimes I blame Him, sometimes I disagree with His terms of division, sometimes I even oppose Him, but at the end of day I cry in his lap with regrets of what I did, I feel ashamed, my eyes get full of tears but His love, His mercy, His affection remains the same. He with His never ending love forgives me, He grant me another chance despite all His mercy, I disobey Him again, aware of the fact that I’ll bow my face in His lap, and I’ll again ask for forgiveness, aware of the fact He’ll forgive me, I keep on doing moral offence. He knows I profane my sins because I know He’ll forgive me and the strange thing is that He forgives me again. When I feel like I don’t deserve His mercy, He tells me that it is His nature to forgive me and it is my nature to ask for forgiveness.

When I ask Him why He forgives me, even when He knows I will do the same thing again and again, He ask me something and instead of answering Him I burst into tears He ask me if you cry in front of your mother begging for forgiveness, will she forgive you? Yes, I reply. So, how can I not forgive you when I love you more than seventy mothers?

My tears or water of shame, whatever you say it dwells from my checks to my lips, when I get over with crying, when I wipe my face, I repeat my uncouth and virulent sins knowing that He’ll forgive me.

Every time I disbelieve Him, every time I ignore Him, every time I feel deceased and every time I show contempt of sacred things, He showers His mercy on me, He reminds me that there is something powerful and real than I am, and that is Him, that is Allah, whenever I argue Him, I find no logical reasoning, I find not reality to prove myself, hence I lose my point, and when I lose He tell me He is there where I can feel Him, in my heart. So when I lose, I start winning, when I oppose I start believing, when I feel deceased I start living and when I refuse Him, He showers His blessings and Reminds me of Him

Mama, cramps and pain are in competition
If cramps hit two, pain gets double
Mama, my eyes are shining, but glitter is parched
Pebble or water, what is hard?
Mama, perishing and dying are my weak bones
I don’t even remember taste of water drops
I don’t remember last time when I ate
Give me stones, they will compensate,my stomach’s ache
Mama,look at me, Mama,look at me
I am hungry, mother give me feed
Hunger is making me cry
My bones are getting wry
Mama, Why don’t you look at me?
Are you cross with me?
Okay mum, I won’t cry
At food I shall pry
Mum, I’m sorry if I made a mistake
I won’t ask for food again
Mama,look at me I’m not crying
Mama,look at me I’m not starving
“Darling, I know you are dying
I know,you want food
But my efforts are in vain
I can’t abolish your pain
I can look at you dying
But how can I stare at my starving child?
Hon, I want to feed you
But what can I do
Baby, I am hungry too”

When everyone is asleep
When sky resemble grease
Water ardents me
Fire freezes me
Nightmares nauseate me
Monopoly of tear manipulate me
I burry myself in the blue
I find my soul colorless in hue
I feel like a fetid ragout
I am society’s quod
Infirmity ablaze me
Fears castigate me
I feel deceased
Hatred innovate my deformity
Equivocation becomes my locution
I profane slowly but swiftly
I try to sleep, I try to slumber
But night start snoring, sun rises in east
With feston my bod gets fig
I wear a huge fib
People gather around me
They pretend to be quiet, but they niggle me
My dark circles and wrinkles scream aggresively
“I’ve been lonely, I’ve been lonely”
But for amusing each other they ask me
“Have you ever been lonely?, Have you ever been lonely?”

It is a warm affection
Like an effigy of attraction
It is a dulcet melody
Confluence of two conflagrations
There are some emotions in words
Emotion of nepotism and aversion
I’ve heard a singing Nightingale
Her song is amalgam of those emotions
It is a luscious feel
This feel when wanders in heart
A juvenile current passes through body
Then every thing is enthralled by convulsion
Sometimes such emotions enrapture soul
Sometimes it is a spark of eradication
This aroma sensitize one’s heart
Though holding dear is reality of love