For My Reds

It’s been over six months since I heard my mom utter those words. I think we both knew it was coming but hearing her say it put a finality on it that I still wasn’t expecting.  Since that time she’s had major surgery, numerous appointments with all kinds of doctors and 7 rounds of chemotherapy.  Today should have been round 8 but, as has been the case from the beginning of treatment her blood counts were too low and treatment has been delayed  yet again.

I knew cancer was going to be rough.  I knew it was going to be hard on her and in turn, I knew it would be hard on the rest of us. She’s so tired and so ready for this to be over. I’ve always hated this disease. It’s put people I love and care about through hell, it’s cut too many lives short and it’s taken too many people out of my life.  When mom was diagnosed I worried that she would give up and not fight. I began to prepare myself to cheer her on and keep her spirits up. For the most part, my worries were in vain.

Cancer is a terrible disease, but it’s brought out a spirit in my mom that I haven’t seen very often. She’s maintained a positive attitude throughout most of this. She’s only recently started complaining about the side effects. She’s soldiered on through surgery and treatment and, as much as it’s draining her and weakening her, she’ll see this through.  And ultimately, when she gets through treatment, there’s a good chance that any cancer left in her body will be negligible.

I feel a connection to survivors and caregivers that I didn’t before. We’re all reluctantly part of this big community of people who have faced the unknown and persevered.  Ultimately, we still don’t know how this will end. So, I’ll keep my hopes up and I’ll keep writing. It’s therapeutic to put it out in the universe… to know that there are many out there who have been where we are and have made it through to the other side.

Until next time…

Like all of you, I remember where I was on 9/11.  I was at work.  I had dropped my husband off at the airport earlier that morning, as he was flying to Chicago for meetings.  He called at 8:30 to say he had arrived safely and 16 minutes later, well… you know what happened.   For two days Keith’s parents and I worked to get him home.  We all felt the profound loss and utter confusion of those days.  And for weeks after we continued to feel it.

However, in the midst of all of that I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was two days later and that afternoon I would be heading out to the train station in Harper’s Ferry to get Keith.  Something inside of me knew.  And a test confirmed it. I say bittersweet because it was such an awful time in our nation’s history, in our world’s history and yet…

In spite of the hate and fear and desperation of those early days, new life was growing inside of me.  More than I ever believed I would, I held onto that hope during those days and weeks and months to come.  Regardless of where we had been as a country, we would move forward. We would prevail and new life would come to fruition.

Twelve years later my little boy is proof of that. He is a consistent reminder to me that we should never give up hope.  Love will always win over hate.  As a country we are divided, but just for today, I hope we all can come together and see how far we’ve come since that awful day 12 years ago.  We are bigger than our differences.  We are bigger than hate and anger.  We owe it to ourselves and our children to do better.  I hope… and know… that we will.

Things feel a bit chaotic lately.  So much feels up in the air these days. Huge changes at work coupled with what seems to be a general feeling of unease has left me feeling a bit out of sorts this summer.  As much as I’d like to think I’m a “go with the flow” kinda gal, I’m really not. I do like a bit of security in my life and lately I seem to have misplaced it. All this being said, I refuse to wallow in anxiety or nerves or whatever it may be.  I figure I can approach all this in one of two ways – I can get absorbed in craziness or I can keep doing my best and maintain a positive attitude. I’m choosing the latter.

Here are my positives this summer:

• Four weeks into the summer and I think my kids are having one of their best summers yet.  I’ve been working on leaving my work at work and being present with them when they’re home. Which means I’ve spent more time at the pool this summer already than I probably did all year last year. We’re reading more – always a plus.  My daughter is going to be every night absolutely exhausted from the day’s activities and waking up so excited about what the day has in store for her. And my boy, even though he doesn’t want to admit it, seems to be smiling just a tad more than he usual.
• We’re going to the beach in about 5 weeks.  We haven’t been in a good two years, and even then it was for two days. This year it’s a whole week. I’m beyond excited about it, as my reds.
• Steve – the boy who’s a bit rough around the edges but makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world. How did I get so lucky?

I’m feeling like I’ve found my calm in the storm. For me, life is more than work. I love my job and the American Cancer Society. I love what we do and I believe in where we are heading. But at the end of the day, my family and friends are what keep me grounded.  This summer it’s making all the difference.

i have decided, after months and months of neglect and abandonment, that it’s time to get my act together and get serious about getting healthy. i need to do this – for my health and for my kids.  i need to set a better example for my children.  they need to know what living healthy looks like. and i need to do it for me. i owe it to myself to feel better about myself and my choices.  so, tomorrow i start. i went shopping this weekend for good foods. i took a walk yesterday for the first time in what seems like forever.  and it felt good.

any support and encouragement you want to give would be great. i’d love to hear your stories of success too. your success just motivates me more! i plan to make regular updates here to keep myself accountable.  so, keep your eye out for more!

when i started dating last fall it had been after 15 years of not having to worry about all of that.  You know, all that what do i wear? will he like me? will i chew with my mouth open or get something stuck in my teeth? kind of stuff.  when you’re married you don’t have to worry about things like that. in fact, i remember being grateful that i didn’t have to be out there trying to figure all of that out anymore.  so, here i am.  after almost 10 months of online dating i’ve been starting to think i may need to figure out another avenue. my science experiment isn’t as fun as it was when i first started out. i’ve been getting messages from guys that are either way to young for me or just looking for a good time, in spite of the clear wording my profile that says i’m looking for more.

i can’t say that any of the dates i have been on have been exciting, fun or worthy of second dates. until this weekend. for the first time since i started all of this i was actually looking forward to a first date. i was nervous as hell and definitely went through all the what if’s.  i have to say it was all worth it. this weekend was truly the best date i’ve ever been on.  we went for sushi and then walked around the inner harbor for awhile and had cheesecake at the cheesecake factory (which we shared – bonus!). and we talked. and talked. and talked. it felt so comfortable and natural. it wasn’t awkward or stilted. we didn’t run out of things to say.

the saying goes that you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find your prince. here’s hoping that the frogs are behind me!

on sepember 11, 2001, i had dropped my husband off at the airport as he had an early flight to Chicago.  i headed back to Frederick to go to work.  keith called at 8:35 or so to say his flight had arrived safely.   not 15 minutes later i heard about the first plane. it unraveled from there.  i was glad keith had called before i found out. i cannot imagine the fear that would have raced through my mind had i not known he was safely on the ground.  keith’s parents and i spent the next 24 hours figuring out how to get him home (he ended up on a train for what ended up being 24 hours).

in the midst of all of this, i found out i was pregnant with my first child. we had been trying. i woke up on the 13th to get ready to go to the train station to get keith and i had a feeling. i just knew. i took a test and i was right. in the midst of such tragedy and fear and devastation i found out that we were bringing a life into the world. into this world in which such awful things can happen. it was a bittersweet moment.  in the midst of darkness i found hope that life will go on, does go on, has to go on.

every year when september 11th comes around i remember and mourn the loss of so many. and every year i am still filled with hope because we are all still here. and we continue on in the memory of all those we lost, in spite of the tragedy we faced as a country and in the hope that we will continue to prevail against hate and fear.

we will remember.

or as some of my friends have been saying “happy back to your maiden name day.”  i don’t have the paperwork, but this morning we went to court and i am divorced.  i’m going to assume that everything will be in place and in a few weeks i’ll receive the documents to confirm this.

it was, in a word… anti-climatic. it’s been over two years that we’ve been apart and at this point it was more of a formality than anything. in my mind we’ve been divorced for years already.

and yet, it’s liberating to be officially on my own. to be my own person – to come back to me.   i feel a little lighter today and a bit more hopeful.  i see good things ahead for me. and i see a world ahead for my reds in which they’ll learn that marriage is about honesty and respect and love.  because of today my kids won’t grow up seeing a world in which marriage is about demeaning people and arguing and not respecting your partner.   and hopefully, they’ll be better for it.

i’ve been remiss.  i had intended to write more regularly when i started blogging. i’m working to get back to that. and, of course, the world of online dating really lends itself to blogging.

i started dating online in november. i realized i was ready to meet someone and thought this might be the way to go.  it’s been an interesting experience and as a psychology major i’ve had to work not look at this as some kind of science experiment.  to be honest, it’s not really working at all.

i’ve met a few men here and there. dated one for a few months and have had a couple first dates that never went beyond first dates.  i’m finding a few things out along the way about me and about people in general.

• People don’t always know what they want. they may think they do and they may actively seek it out but when it finally comes along they don’t know what to do with it.
• People aren’t always honest. or maybe it’s not really about honesty as much as people don’t always define/describe/see themselves as they really are.  i’m finding men who describe themselves as honest and truthful and then once things get going they really aren’t as honest or as truthful as they think they are.
• i really do know what i want. and in knowing that i’m finding i can weed through my potential “matches” pretty quickly.
• it’s fun and exciting to meet new people and to know that people are possibly interested in me.  even if it ends up going nowhere i’ve had some interesting conversations and my ego has been a bit boosted.

so, i think i’ll stick with this a bit more.

i have a date on friday.  who knows? maybe this will be the one that turns my experiment into something more.

it’s been a rough week… well, to be honest, a rough month.  maybe a rough year.  i’m hopeful that 2011 will bring some peace to my life and the life of my kids.  but until then… in light of the upcoming holiday i thought it would be a good exercise to think about what i’m thankful for.

1.  my family:  my mom has become one of my closest confidants this past year. she’s always there for me… with a kind word or a helping hand, even when i know she struggles as well. my brother and his family have been such a blessing to me and the reds.  from sledding at gram’s house to birthday parties to check-in phone calls, they’ve given my kids a sense of family i didn’t even realize they were missing.

2.  my friends:  i have this friend who’s been going through a lot of the same things in her family that i have in mine.  she divorced this year and her children are feeling the effects just as mine are.  and even with that… she’s been there for me whenever i’ve needed a hand or an ear or even a shoulder.  she and her parents (who, coincidentally are the reds’ great aunt and uncle) have welcomed us into their homes and into their lives.

in addition to liz, i have so many other people surrounding me who have made me laugh, cry and helped me take life a little less seriously.  from the friends that live in my computer to the friends at work and at a play.. i’m truly humbled by the graciousness of all of you.

3.  my job:  i love what i do. i love getting up in the morning and looking forward to going to work.  i work with a great team of people who are smart, creative and dedicated, and at times can be terribly funny as well.  i believe that what i do, what we do, makes a difference and that we are getting closer to a cure. and for that, to have a job that is meaningful and fulfilling, i am truly thankful.

4.  my kids: they drive me crazy sometimes and they both talk incessantly, but they are the lights of my life.  they inspire me every day to be a better person and to do everything i can to give them the life they so very much deserve.   i wouldn’t trade my  monkeys for the world.

there’s more, so much more.. but this is a start.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

i found out this weekend that a friend of mine is going through a rough patch in her marriage.  it’s obviously had me thinking about my own failed marriage.  and.. what hit me is how alienated i had become from my family.  family has always been central in my life. always the most important thing, whether it was my family of origin or the family i’ve created.  could be why i didn’t continue as a minister – i’ve never been able to put my career first (even when that career is a calling).  my family has always been first.

this past year and a half my family has been there for me in ways i couldn’t have imagined.  my mother has visited more often and we have visited her as well. my brother, though not the most social person, has been there whenever i’ve needed him.  and my sister-in-law has given me such perspective – a perspective that only she can offer and that has given me such comfort when i’ve stopped to question what i’m doing.

and they’ve given my children a real family. since my ex and i split, their time with their father and their paternal grandparents has been limited – by my ex’s own choosing (and that of his parents).  lately, though, they’ve both of my kids have shown me in their own ways that they feel that connection to their grandmother and their aunt and uncle.  that it means something to them.

i’m glad we’ve reconnected and that my kids have these wonderful people in their lives… just like i do.