As of right now in my life, I am in the one-and-done mama group. Well one pregnancy, which of course resulted in two kids, but I have no plans to be pregnant ever again. If we add to our family it will hopefully be through fostering.

As such, I wanted to find out about birth control options. My after-birth plan was to breastfeed and use the mini-pill for a year, which I did, and then I tried the Nuva Ring for three months but was in search of something that I didn’t have to think about as much.  It made sense to me that I would want something semi-permanent even thought I’ve never done anything similar to an IUD before. In my prior life the birth control pill made sense because I was young and healthy and childless. I guess my uterus is now a useless organ, although it is still trying to figure out it’s new retirement, as I’ll explain how it is reacting to this IUD.

I made the choice to go hormone free with the copper IUD. I’ve had a rough history with hormones from the birth control pill and infertility treatments, so I’m good with being all natural from here on out. I was warned at the doctor’s office that it’s not the same as an IUD that uses progesterone, such as Mirena, which over time helps women stop having periods. Read: My periods would be longer and stronger. I thought to myself, “Self, this is not physically possible. There’s no hormones! It’s just a piece of metal, so how could it possibly make my period worse? Also, in the absence of any form of birth control, my body does not produce a period, so surely it will just stay the path and be loyal to the rest of me.”

The implant was placed July 29th, 2016, which is burned in my memory. Doctors want to insert the IUD when you are on your period because A) It means you’re not already pregnant, and B) Your cervix is a little more open. So I sat around in a hospital gown worried about leaking all over the table.  That did not happen because I was still unfamiliar with a very heavy flow, as I am now.

Ladies, it was painful. It was like an extra-long cervical exam, complete with cramping. I asked for regular old Tylenol afterwards hoping I could get it in my system before I left the office, which they were happy to oblige. But the cramping of course continued for the rest of the day. It felt like I had been punched, plus a more painful version of having swollen ovaries from fertility drugs. My uterus was trying to GET THAT THING OUT.

As far as I remember, no extra bleeding though. My period continued as usual and the next day I was almost back to normal with the help of ibuprofen (you really have no choice when you have 15 month old twins climbing on you).

Then I had a pretty uneventful 3 weeks before the next period began. At times I felt that I could “feel” the IUD down there, and of course I always worried about it falling out or penetrating the uterus wall. But then I got my period and suddenly I was more worried about bleeding to death.

I did not know that a human being could lose that much blood. I had essentially zero cramping and yet I would use the word “gushing” to describe my flow. The heaviest part lasted for the first 6-7 days, and I am talking changing a Super Heavy tampon every 4 hours, plus wearing TWO overnight maxi pads for the overflow. FOR SEVEN DAYS.

During that time I had my one-month follow up with the PA who placed the IUD. This time I did legitimately leak all over their table. And  I legitimately asked the PA if I was dying. She said, “I warned you.”

And then when it lightened up, there was still light bleeding and brown discharge for the rest of the month. That’s right, this period lasted all month. Again, with little to no cramping or pain. So for several weeks I was wearing a panty liner for the lightest of bleeding, and then it was time for period #2.

Slightly better because it actually ended this time. But it still managed to surprise me with the amount of bleeding. Very heavy flow for probably 6 days. Now I’m starting to get the hint about a non-hormonal IUD causing longer and stronger periods. It’s like turning on the tap water on high: it comes on very suddenly at full force, and then it gets turned off at the end of 6 days and mercifully stops.

The 4 periods since then have been the same, although period #6 was a few days later than expected. Other than that, they are the most regular cycles I’ve ever had in my life. No concerns or symptoms in between periods, thankfully no breakthrough bleeding like the first time. Six months later and I think my uterus has accepted its fate. I assume the periods will remain the same, although if they want to get a little lighter with time I would be okay with that. I still feel overall that I made the best decision out of my options for remaining baby-free, and it’s something that will work for me but obviously not everyone.

Some things to consider: With my insurance, the IUD was free, and there are two separate charges: The cost of the IUD itself and the fee for the doctor to insert it. Also it eliminated the monthly cost of a birth control pill. HOWEVER it did exponentially increase the amount of money I spend on tampons and pads every month.

And as far as monthly inconveniences, you’re supposed to reach up there and feel it every month to make sure it hasn’t migrated. The doctor or PA usually asks you if you want to cut the string that comes down into the vaginal canal, and I asked her not to shorten mine so that I’d be able to feel it better. I know it’s important, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do that yet. My husband has not been able to *ahem* feel it either, if you know what I mean.

Also, do your research, but I believe the copper IUD is the one that can be left in the longest. I’ve been told 12 years, and I know Mirena is 5, while some of the newer ones with less testing are only approved for 3.

So that’s everything I know with my 6 months of experience. Like I said, I feel that I made the best decision out of what was available to me and what my future plans are. But every BODY is different and that’s why there’s lots of options! And let’s pray it stays that way, reproductive rights for everyone!! The reason behind wanting to document this experience is partly out of fear that these options will be taken away. I also plan on interviewing my grandmothers (as everyone should!) to learn about the way our reproductive rights have changed over the years.

Love and baby dust to all.

 

I’ve mentioned in this blog several times now that my kids are not speaking yet. They will be 15 months old in 5 days, and I’m past the point of just sitting back and waiting to see what happens. They babble quite a bit as if they are actually talking but there are no real words and nothing has a definitive meaning attached to it. Just within the last 24 hours I’ve finally seen Crosby look at me while babbling “mamamamama”. Daphne was saying “uh-oh” pretty consistently for a little while but hasn’t said it in quite a while now, like it dropped back out of her vocabulary. Otherwise they both will attempt to mimic sounds (most every word they try to copy sounds like “Da!” or “Ah!”, even if it’s supposed to be “kitty”) and they seem to grasp what I’m trying to say to them, but they have no desire to say it back.

As you can imagine, if you were in a world where you couldn’t communicate with anyone and you had something important to say, they’re starting to exhibit behaviors. And it took me a while to put two and two together to realize that was the reason. For example, instead of saying he’s “all done” with his food, Crosby will throw it. Or instead of saying “My toy, go find your own,” Daphne will bite. Instead of trying to sound out the word of what they want, they both just point and whine. We have had several big fits at the dinner table trying to get them to say “More please!” while they are starving and not understanding why we’re not giving them any food (because crying and stomping feet always got them what they wanted in the past). Note to self: Trying to teach sign language or words to a child who is having a fit and hungry and tired doesn’t make anyone feel smart, including mom and dad.

At daycare they were mostly picking on each other, so during toy time they would bite each other and fight over toys. Recently however, Crosby attempted to bite another child. This is highly concerning to me. The director acted like she wasn’t too worried, she said it is common at this age because they are unable to communicate and get frustrated, and also very common between siblings. That same evening we had some major meltdowns at home and Mommy just did not have the patience for that.

SO! This morning I called Early Intervention. Yep, I’m getting professionals involved. One of my patients who is a speech pathologist suggested it and I think it sounds like a great idea. A speech therapist and a childhood development specialist will just observe our kids for a while. They’ll probably have some game-like tests to perform to see what level they’re at, and then they’ll be able to tell us if they are behind enough to qualify for further treatment. At the very least, they will help J and I to be able to handle the tantrums and the whining, and learn how to teach them better communication. I swear we read to them all the time! And repeat words over and over! And sing songs! And we don’t spend a whole lot of time in front of the TV. So I’m not really worried that someone will come into my home and tell me I’m a bad mom. I’m actually excited, and I can’t wait to learn to be a better parent.

I’ve developed a theory that you can’t really call yourself a parent until you have to start disciplining your child, because seriously this parenting gig is starting to get difficult! But as a child I felt like my parents were just trying to survive and “get through” each day rather than enjoying it, so my goal is not to be in survival mode, but to be proactive and face challenges to the best of my ability. (Easier said than done, in the heat of the moment sometimes you kind of give up hope, or get frustrated and lose your temper). Parenting is a huge learning curve and I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t know it all.

……..

We don’t have any meetings scheduled yet, but I want to really document the stuff as I go so I can look back and read it again. Here we go with our latest challenge and growth opportunity!

 

 

We have been sick in this household. It started with Crosby, about a week ago he woke us up in the middle of the night with a 103 temp. We decided we weren’t going to be nervous nelly parents, so we stuck it out with rotating Tylenol and ibuprofen and his fever went away within 24 hours. He also kept eating and drinking the whole time. So he did not get a doctor visit.

Daphne, however, ended up at the clinic after she woke up two days in a row with eyes matted shut. In the past when she’s had a head cold, it will show up in her eyes, just extra drainage from all the other mucous in her head. And we have been the nervous nelly parents before who have taken her in thinking it was pink eye when it was just a cold symptom. Well not this time. This time is was pink eye (highly contagious, our whole family got it for the second time in the last 6 months and we are all on eye drops) which was brought on by a severe ear infection. As in, her ear drum ruptured and brown liquid was leaking out.

My poor little girl, I can’t imagine how much pain she was in and I had no idea.

She is on Day 3 of 10 days of oral antibiotics, plus eye drops. She’s feeling much better and her ear looks much better too. We have them both taking a probiotic and drinking Pedialyte daily.

Saturday I was pretty convinced I was dying, and Crosby had just finished his fever by then so I figured I had whatever he had. He’s had a dry cough, but my throat felt like someone made me eat some hot coals. I went too long between my adult doses of ibuprofen and thank God my mom was around because I felt light headed and faint-y. She let me lie down for an hour while she watched the kiddos. After that I didn’t miss any more doses of NSAIDS, but I did lose my voice and have had a dry cough. I’m just starting to get my voice back today. Mom thinks it was strep throat and I never got around to Googling that to see if I would get over it on my own (is it a virus? Then I will avoid the doctor bill, thanks, not like I get a day off work anyway)

In the end, we are on the mend. And children get sick I hear.

I’m thinking it is related to our new day care and all new things and people to touch. J was adamant that we leave our previous day care although the kids were really getting attached to the girls there, because he thought it was dirty and he thought that’s why they were always getting sick. Well guess what, bucko, day care is day care and they have no immune systems. I have horrible mom guilt like I have fed them to the wolves. The girls at the new daycare seem suitable, they all have their own kids so I can imagine they’re pretty level  headed but also kid-friendly. But they haven’t really gone out of their way to get to know me or tell me how the kids are doing during the day.

Also they (especially Crosby) are going through an attachment phase where they cry when I drop them off. I try to leave as quickly as possible and everyone tells me they stop crying pretty quickly. But it does not assuage the mom guilt. Can I blame the mom guilt for not being super impressed with the place?

J and I have been fighting lately and it is usually one of two things: 1) We are trying to leave the house in a timely manner and he is making us late by doing something inefficiently, my super pet peeve. I yell at him and he gets defensive because being late doesn’t bother him and also he doesn’t like being yelled at. or 2) I spend 99% of my time in our house walking around looking for things that are missing – binkies, orajel, diaper cream, eye drops, mostly small things – and after about 10 minutes or multiple items missing, I FREAK OUT because why am I the only one who is responsible enough to put things back where they belong? And why am I the only one looking for them?

Goodness, we sound like a Baby Blues comic strip.

On the uterus home front, today is CD 1, this is my second period since before I got pregnant (August 2014). Both periods were brought on by my temporary form of birth control which is the NuvaRing. Both periods are extremely weird for me. For starters, I took the NuvaRing out on Sunday and it is now Wednesday night and I have just had some light brown spotting. So it is really a period? Zero cramping. With the last one it only lasted about 4 days and it was very light the whole time, although it did change from brown to bright red. I really thought the first post-birth and post-breastfeeding period would be the Mother of all Periods, but it is very anti-climactic.

I am leaning towards having a copper IUD placed (ParaGuard). Mostly because it is hormone-free and I have had enough artificial interference in the past so I am ready to just let my body be natural. But also because it lasts 12 years. I am supposed to have it placed while I’m on my period but my doctor’s office does not have any openings during that time frame (Monday is 4th of July so I picked a bad time to menstruate I guess). So I may have to wait another cycle but I am wary of doing the NuvaRing again – since I’m having such a non-period, is it even working?? Ugh.

Back to the babies, they are basically full-tilt, non-stop running and don’t like to be constrained unless we give them a ride on the riding lawnmower and then they are pretty docile. They STILL don’t talk. We constantly read to them and point to objects and say their names over and over and over again. If you say the name of an object (“Get the ball!”, “Where’s you’re tummy?”) they easily recognize it and do exactly what you’re saying. But they don’t try to emulate saying the word! I have noticed that they are singing a lot of songs at day care because sometimes I will start singing one that I haven’t sung in a while (today it was Wheels on the Bus) and they will stare at me open-mouthed like, How do YOU know that song?? Or like the Itsy Bitsy Spider, they attempt to do the hand motions.

They are sharing, sometimes intentionally handing the other one a toy, but they are also fighting like hamsters. Crosby likes to pull Daph’s shirt and hair and poke her in the eyes, and Daphne likes to bite. The both seem to really enjoy whining. We have started time outs but it’s hard to see any benefit, I’m not sure if they know that it’s a consequence, although it does make them quite upset. I guess consistency is key so we’ll have to see if it pays off, although I think it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

That’s our life in a nutshell, I felt like I had to do a speeding bullet post to catch up and now hopefully I’ll work on individual posts for individual topics. Topics to cover: J bought me a banjo! And I am playing it! Also: future foster parenting plans…is it just a pipe dream?

 

Oh I forgot how emotional I get when I switch to the hard core birth controls. I feel like crying all day. 😦 I also feel weirdly nostalgic for something I can’t quite put my finger on. But nostalgia makes me sad too. Apparently doing the dishes makes me sad. And driving to work. And thinking about my kids.

 

…Let’s hope this first month is the worst and last of the hormonal sadness.

Something that is not a secret about me is that I could never hack it as a stay-at-home mom. Having more than one kid is no joke! At least for the first year that I know about, you pretty much lose yourself. Imagine living in the 1950’s when a woman working outside the home was practically unheard of, men were above helping with the kids (or the dishes for that matter), and for middle classers, there was no “help” to be hired either. You were on your own, sister. No wonder they were all sticking their heads in the ovens!

I love my kids to the brink of battle, but weekends being around them 24/7 are pretty weird. It’s an internal struggle between being extremely happy to have them around and extremely exhausted and wishing someone would take them away for the day. I think a lot of it has to do with the goal of trying to do something while still taking care of them. Before kids, the weekends were my time to do my major housework. And now I don’t get anything accomplished because they literally follow me around and mess up whatever I am cleaning. It is so frustrating! At the end of the day I feel like it was a complete waste.

So this weekend we spent a lot of time away from the house and I think that will be my key to survival. Saturday we went out to lunch with J’s parents, got groceries, and went to the local apple tree farm to pick up our Bountiful Basket. Then the kids crashed hard for a 2 hour nap, and when they woke up we were at my parent’s house, where they got worn out some more with wrestling and checking out the vegetable garden. Sunday (today) they had very short naps in the car on the way to lunch with our friends L and D (who don’t have any kids but yet are extremely patient with us), walked around a nearby farmer’s market, and took the recycling to the collection center. Since they didn’t nap much today, they went to bed a WHOLE HOUR early, which I why I’m writing this blog entry right now.

As you can see, not a lot of housework got done. If I were Martha freaking Stewart, I’d have a schedule with a different chore every night after they go to bed, so it wouldn’t feel overwhelming to try to do it all at once. Alas I am not, in fact sometimes as I’m pulling out of the driveway on the way to work I do a double check to make sure I have all my clothes on. All moms are different.

And this is the EASY stage! Before they can talk! Pretty soon the real actual parenting will begin! Oh, who has time for that. (Daphne is saying “uh-oh” now! Does that count as a first word??)

The “feelings” part of this post is the sadness that falls upon me on Sunday nights, knowing that our quality time is over for the week. I spend the whole weekend trying to get away from them and then Sunday night I am sad and snuggly and don’t want to let go. That is parenting in a nutshell. I guess that’s why people have more babies, because they get a little more time before the last one leaves the nest, before they have to feel sad that they don’t get to spend their days with them any more.

Speaking of having more babies, I’m starting to maybe halfway sort of kind of entertain the idea (NO! Get these hormones away from me!) And so therefore I thought it was a very good idea to get on serious birth control before I do something silly. As my husband J pointed out, why would I need birth control, I can’t get pregnant on my own anyway. Sorry Susie, I’m not going to be one of those Oops stories. So I met with a nurse about it.

She was awesome. It’s the same clinic owned by the doctor that delivered my babies, but I didn’t want to see a man for this appointment (or any appointment really). She gave me a bazillion brochures on the different types of birth control and they all mostly said the same thing. I was thinking an IUD would be the way to go, but I’m still not sold on it. Depending on the brand you can wear it for 3, 5, 7, or 10 years, and along the way you can either get a period or not. Unfortunately things can go wrong, like it can damage your uterus or ovaries on accident, or the strings can get willy-nilly. You’re supposed to do a once-a-month self string check, and I do not like that idea at all.

You can also get the implant in your arm, which acts like an IUD without being in your nether regions. That one might be a better option for me as far as convenience and comfort BUT I still have qualms about anything artificially regulating my hormones. And obviously, that’s every birth control (except the copper IUD) and infertility treatment too. It just feels…like a science experiment that could cause long term damage (like ovarian cancer). My personal hormones aren’t exactly Martha Stewarts either, meaning without help, my cycles are nonexistent. I’d love to be able to leave them alone and go au naturale, except for the possibility of getting pregnant, no matter how small it may be.

Okay, the short version: The benefit of the implant is that it’s not in my uterus. The benefit of the copper IUD is that it’s not hormonal, so it doesn’t regulate periods (which mine would hardly ever happen anyway) but it still makes pregnancy nearly impossible.

Right now I am trying my first month of the NuvaRing, which you wear for 3 weeks, and then the fourth week when you take it out, you have your period. So far I mostly don’t even notice it, and it’s nice to not have to take a pill every day. Again, I feel like I am pumping my body full of hormones, but right now I’m sort of okay with it as a jump start for my cycle, since I haven’t had a period since July 2014. So the NuvaRing would be the lower maintenance version of the pill.

…Permanent decisions have yet to be made, but luckily I can do some monthly birth control until I decide. (I’m nervous to see how this first period will be, the only thing I have noticed with the NuvaRing so far is some uterine cramping, I feel like I’ve been on the verge of a period for a week now and I still have 2 weeks to go! (But that could also be my increased intake of dairy lately too, I am gassy!))

**TMI** Lastly, the nurse also introduced me to a lovely estrogen cream. Did you know that breastfeeding is a major culprit in vaginal dryness? Because I sure didn’t! So I am glad that I am no longer pumping and my estrogen levels will go back to normal and it won’t be so freaking painful down there! The cream is already helping.

Okay, here’s a post about mama’s changing body, next time I’ll write something about the babies 🙂

Daphne:

Height: 28.75 inches = 30th percentile

Weight: 20 lbs 6 oz. = 58th percentile

Head Circumference: 17.25 inches = 25th percentile

 

Crosby:

Height: 28.25 inches = 4th percentile (!!!!! does this kid need more calcium? iron? what the heck!)

Weight: 21 lbs = 44th percentile

Head Circumference: 18 inches = 25th-50th percentile

 

Things we discussed at this appointment:

1 – Switching from formula to whole milk (the babies seem unperturbed by this, so I say bring it on!)

2 – Getting rid of the bottle (oh my, that’s a whole post in itself)

3 – Appropriate discipline for one-year-olds (also another post, but suffice it say that we are on the Time Out bandwagon)

……………………………………………………………………

In other news, Mama’s body is also 12 months post-birth and I need to write a post about that too. I feel like AF is going to re-appear soon-ish. And I am LOVING having small flat non-nursing boobs again, which allows me to completely forget they are there for whole days at a time!

I would go through all of these past 12 months (plus 38 weeks) again hundreds of times just for the pleasure of getting to know these kiddos. But I gotta say, I think I’m done with ever trying to get pregnant again. J’s still thinking he wants one more, but deep down I feel like my heart (and my capacity for exhaustion) is full.

…about the babies first birthday.

Tomorrow at 7:33am and 7:34am they are turning ONE. Isn’t it strange how a year can go by so quickly and so slowly at the same time? I can still remember the night before they were born, how extremely nervous I was. And waking up that morning and driving to the hospital in the dark and getting hooked up to the machines and the whole time thinking “I’m about to meet them!” It was such a weird electric feeling.

Then those first few days home from the hospital, bawling and feeling like I had no clue what I was doing. Wearing a nursing bra, a belly band, mesh underwear, and calf-high hospital socks and nothing else! Covered in breast milk and the babies were sleeping 22 hours a day, yet I still felt like I was so busy. And so tired. (Actually, I am still tired. I have been tired for exactly one year.)

When they could sit up on their own and hold their own heads up, wow that was a big step. The first time they smiled. Funny baby food faces. Their tiny hands grasping around my finger.

Now they are walking and communicating in their own little ways. They know just how to look at me, and their looks convey so much meaning. They are funny! Even on purpose sometimes. They  have likes and dislikes and habits. They are exploring the world with so much energy and excitement.

It has seriously surprised me how I have felt about being a mother. Everyone says the mushy stuff about how you never knew you could love so deeply (which is hogwash, by the way, I’ve loved other human beings and animals in a myriad of different ways, and I’ve loved these babies before they were even conceived, probably before I loved my husband!, love is love). But mothers don’t often say that one of the biggest things to get accustomed to is feeling like a failure every single day. Not the whole day. But at least once a day, I feel like I am failing in some way. Every time they get sick. Every time some other baby is doing something that they aren’t (yet!). Every time they cry. Every time my house isn’t clean (always). I feel like I am swimming upstream. Every day.

And for the majority of my waking hours, I feel like I am muddling through. But there are sunshine moments. There are feelings of clarity and intense joy. It’s getting better every day too, as the babies become more mature and can interact in different ways, our bond is growing stronger.

As we come to the end of the infant stage, I am happy to bid it goodbye. Of course I wish I could pop back in time about 11 months and hold them each for about ten minutes. But otherwise I will try to live in the moment and “wish” to be right where I am. Every day we are learning together and we are all excited to see what being ONE year old will bring!

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABIES!

 

But here’s where I stand on Kim K’s nude selfie:

It’s great that she is confident in her body and feels powerful when she shares it with everyone and draws a healthy self-esteem from it. However  it does not promote confidence or power or self esteem in other women, especially teenage girls that subscribe to her Instagram or app or anything else. In fact it obviously makes other women more self conscious and more judgmental of their own bodies.

So yes, she has every right to post whatever the heck she wants, but she also has a moral obligation to her followers to post things that are uplifting and promote positive body image. History proves that she will never actually do that, though. Any way I can prevent my son or daughter from ever knowing about her??

When the babies got to be 4 and 5 and 6 months old, every once in a while I would think to myself, “this is the best age!” And every month it would just get better and I would think “No, I was wrong before, this is an even better age!”

I guess it turns out I am just NOT a newborn person, because there was never a feeling of not wanting them to grow up. I am so excited each time they develop a new ability and more independence. Even now, the physical exhaustion is increasing as I have to chase them around all day,  but there’s so much more mental and emotional stimulation, it’s like hanging out with real people! Finally I am starting to feel like myself again because I am having actual human interaction with my children, and I am not just a mindless mombie. I will literally do anything to make my children laugh, it is the best thing in the world.

I do have a nagging feeling that this is about to change. I can’t imagine myself thinking “this” is the best age for very much longer. In fact I just said to my husband today “I think we’re going to have to start giving time-outs.”

Daphne in particular will look directly at your face as she is doing something you tell her not to. She is just waiting and pushing to see how far she can go. Crosby I think just does things out of natural curiosity  and when we pull him away from something he pouts and then moves on to something else. Daphne is all girl, she wants to push buttons and when something is off limits she throws a fit. I think she may turn out to be a biter also, she has already used that as a display of frustration against me, J, and even Crosby (case in point, he doesn’t piss her off on purpose, he’s just toddling along and grabs her or touches her in some way, and if she is cranky she takes it as a personal offense. Then he just goes back to doing his own thing while she continues giving him the stink eye).

I think discipline will be a difficult area for me. I’m all about time-outs and I am against spanking, but I think sometimes I will have to check myself if I am reacting out of anger. Or I might have problems sticking to my guns. But obviously I know it is important to set boundaries for kids, I just have to keep telling myself it’s for their own good.

C’est la vie. Perhaps when they get to be about 4-5 years old and out of the “naughty” stages, I’ll starting thinking it’s the best age again.

I have a horrendously female habit of hiding my true feelings behind pretty words, and therefore I also tend to assume that other women are doing it too, all the time. I can read judgement into almost everything that is said to me, whether it’s about myself or another woman. It doesn’t matter what is said, it matters how you say it, and it matters how other people perceive it, whether you meant it that way or not. Having conversations with females, and generally just existing as a female, is a complete land mine situation and  you’d better be ready for anyone to possibly be offended by everything you say or do.

…That being said, I’m about to get VERY judgey.

J’s family is a large group of fertile baby-havin’ folks. It doesn’t really matter if they’re financially stable or if it’s the right timing or if they can take care of their other children, babies equal happiness and that’s all that you need, right? He is the third of five children, Zach, Sara, J, Tyler, and Maggie.

Zach is married to Kelli and they have 4 kids: Ryder, Cove, Nora, and they just (Feb. 21st) had another boy, River. First of all, Kelli was the first to get pregnant in the family, but she had a miscarriage before 12 weeks, that was before they had Ryder. Sara got pregnant right after that and Kelli (as a woman who also reads judgement and manipulation like the rest of us) felt that Sara was happy that Kelli had a miscarriage so that Sara could have the first grandchild. Whoa, those are some strong feelings there. No evidence or anything, just feminine anger and bitchiness.

When I was pregnant with the twins, Maggie and Micki (Tyler’s wife) were also pregnant. We’ll get to them in a minute, but in relation to Kelli – She had always been open about that fact that she wanted 4 kids, and at the time that we were all pregnant, she was getting pretty upset about it because they were having difficulty getting pregnant with their 4th. Of course I know exactly how that feels, since it took us 3 years and in that time every freaking person I knew got pregnant and it was difficult to put on a happy face. So I kinda didn’t feel bad for her at all because it felt like she was being petty and also because they never had to do any sort of fertility treatments. Eventually they obviously got pregnant and just had their 4th kid.

Ok so we’re feeling the title of this post: Having babies is clearly a competition.

Then there’s Sara. She’s married to Heath and they have three kids, Katie, Brooks and Colt. Sara is their mother’s golden child. She lives within a few miles of them and they always see her kids way more than they see the other grandkids. None of them can do anything wrong, and the rest of the family is very clear that we are second fiddle. So that kinda plays into how Kelli felt that Sara got to have the first grand baby: of course she did, she gets everything else. Sara’s youngest, Colt, is 4 1/2 years old and she has gotten rid of all her baby things…so they’re done right?

Tyler is married to Micki and they have Ethan, Drake, and Quinn. They are the brother/sister couple that we hang out with the most and feel the most comfortable with. She was afraid to tell us she was pregnant with Quinn because she knew how long we struggled to get pregnant, but luckily we were already pregnant with the twins. Micki likes to have a few beers and talk shit about the F family, so when I am feeling judgey, she is a good one to talk to. There’s something great about having that type of a relationship with a sister where you can be cynical and bitchy together. My actual sister and I can do this sometimes, but other times she is being bitchy towards me, instead of with me, so she’s a loose cannon. But that’s another topic.

I’m pretty sure everyone in the family knows about J and my infertility, even though we never told anyone except for Micki and also J’s mom (and we didn’t even tell J’s mom until after we were pregnant). So we have the twins, and again, being subversive and female, I sometimes feel that the other women were somehow jealous or felt that we were being “braggy” by having twins. But whatever, I worked hard for my babies and also, for me HAVING BABIES IS NOT A COMPETITION!

The baby of the family is Maggie, and let’s face it, she’s also the black sheep. Being the last kid and kind of an accident, she didn’t get a whole lot of attention or love as a kid and she’s always looking for it now. She was dating Jeff and there were all sorts of rumors that they were doing drugs together. Eventually Jeff admitted that he had been to prison for selling meth. METH. But now he is clean. Maggie got pregnant with Braxtyn when she was either 19 or 20, and they weren’t married, but they got married when he was like 7 months old. There continued to be rumors about them fighting, Jeff changed jobs several times, and also turned out to be an alcoholic. They have the typical abusive relationship pattern, where they fight, then they make up and have the honeymoon period where everything is perfect again and then they want another baby. So that’s what they did, they now have Kynslee and Korbyn as a result. Maggie was pregnant with Korbyn at the same time we were pregnant as well. J’s family pretty much hates Jeff but there’s not a whole lot that can be done now, I mean, they have kids together, even if they get divorced, he’s still going to be around. After the  babies were born J’s dad happily announced that Jeff got a vasectomy. He practically climbed on the roof and shouted it. So now Maggie is 26, has three kids, and periodically calls her parents in tears, claiming she’s really going to file for divorce this time, and then it never happens. She and Jeff are constant gossip material. Mostly everyone feels sorry for her, but I gotta say, each time she announced she was pregnant (which was actually 4 times, she had a miscarriage between Kynslee and Korbyn), a little piece of me hardened against her.

Okay, so now we all know that I am judgey. I honest-to-goodness LOVE J’s family but I am constantly keeping up with the drama and feeling a bit superior, which is mean, I know. I am only human.

This weekend we went back to visit and see Zach and Kelli’s new baby River. Within 30 seconds of us walking in the door, J’s mom says, “Did you hear the news? Guess who is the next F to have a baby?!?!” Well J has a lot of cousins too so I was going through those names and J’s mom bursts out, “SARA!”

Sara, people. Sara.

I am in shock. J’s mom said that when Maggie and Micki and I were all pregnant at the same time, Sara started to get some baby fever. She and Heath talked about it, but Heath’s sister Traci was pregnant and they just decided that would be their substitute baby, and they would get all the excitement of the newborn but not have all that extra work, and they would be okay with that. Well apparently not.

Since Micki and I are the judgey sisters that have to talk about all the drama and gossip about it, she was the first person I went to. She says that Sara claims it was a complete and total accident. Obviously Sara had gotten rid of all her baby stuff. But I think they might have planned on being finished, and then they changed their mind when everyone else was having babies. I think (and here’s my feminine wiles again, with assuming everyone has ulterior motives and is secretly a bitch) I think Sara was jealous. Which is a horrible reason to have a baby. And I am secretly judging Sara now and feeling like she kinda did this to get attention.

The final twist of the sword is that they are announcing their pregnancy now and Kelli JUST had baby River. I mean, he’s like a week old. Talk about stealing Kelli’s thunder! Maybe that’s why I feel so angry towards Sara, almost like she did it on purpose. I don’t think Kelli knows about it yet, but given their history of animosity, I don’t think she’ll be throwing them a baby shower.

Okay so we are the freaking Kardashians apparently. Having babies IS a competition (among fertiles). This is my life! I just had to get it written down, now I’m probably going to be tossing and turning and dreaming about it tonight. So many conflicting feelings!