F!@$ You Infertility!

So I’m doing a diet intervention on myself. Now that PinLady has eased up on my cold food restriction, I asked my husband to pick me up some lemon sorbet. Great, right? Fat free, right? Great. Except while watching some 20/20 Investigation, I looked down and had eaten a full pint. No more. So far I’ve gained a pound, which is all squarely in my little pooch that is forming. Not a big deal, but I’m not going down the “I’m eating for two” road. I made a weigh in chart, based off of how much I am supposed to gain. And no more sorbet. Or junk. I just can’t have it in the house.

I thought that once I got pregnant, especially after the journey, I would have wanted to scream it from the mountaintops. Instead I’m being super cautious about saying anything. I don’t know why. I’m being weird. My mom said the other option is to tell everyone once the baby is actually born. Then I don’t have to tell a soul until everything goes 100% smoothly. She thinks she’s really funny. But whatever. I don’t want to just be a piece of gossip, and I’ll tell my friends who are important to me. The rest can see when my belly starts sticking out.  My husband is turning out to be a mush ball, kissing and petting me more than normal, and checking on me a million times a day. If you knew my husband, this would shock and amaze you.

But on to my good for nothing endocrinologist. This is just a word of warning to all of you ladies out there. CHECK behind people. ESPECIALLY doctors when it comes to your health. As many of you know, my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) was 3.43 at my last checkup in May. This is out of range for pregnant women. It should be between .5 and 2.5. The lower the TSH, the more efficient your thyroid is working. When it isn’t working as efficiently, it starts producing the hormone like crazy. Levels of 3.43 are not a huge deal, but my endo wanted to get it under control before it goes up. If your TSH is too high, the baby will have issues forming its own thyroid and potentially have issues. She put me on 25mcg of synthroid, the lowest dosage they can give.

So I got my blood taken on the Monday the week of the appointment, which was on a Friday. I called Thursday to make sure it was in. It was. When I got there, my endo was like “Unfortunately, your levels are at 3.4.” I was like “Oh. That’s what it was last time. I guess it’s not getting any better.” She goes on to say that she should have started me on a higher dosage, and that 25mcg usually doesn’t work for most people – they need more. She says she’s going to double my dosage, and tells me to go to the front to get my slip. I always ask for copies of my labs. And I’m glad I do. I asked the nurse about my testosterone level, because we didn’t discuss it with the doctor. She said it wasn’t tested. I said yes the fuck it was. She printed out the copy of the labs she was going to give me to take home. “See?” she said? I looked at the paperwork, and the fucking paperwork was from May. This is JUNE. I was LIVID. This fucking doctor was doubling my dosage based off of old paperwork. I’m acting a fool in the waiting room, talking about how this was a waste of my money and my copay and time. People were staring. I didn’t give a shit. The nurse ushered me to the back to talk to the doctor. She apologized, saying “Well, the dosage wouldn’t have hurt you.” What the FUCK does that mean?? I lost it. I am never going back there. When they pulled the right results, my level had dropped to 0.83, which is EXCELLENT. Do you hear me? Excellent, with the lowest dosage of synthroid they give, and in less than 2 weeks of usage. My body is freaking amazing.

So lesson here ladies is to watch these people like hawks. Human error is well and good, but not for me. Disgusted.

Hey ladies, it’s been a minute since I posted. Part of me doesn’t want to be annoying to my sisters in the search for fertility by posting an update every time something happens to me. But I do want to let you guys know how I’m doing. And give you any things to look for in the future in your pregnancies, which are all in the works. So I promise to not be one of those ridiculous people who posts a picture of every ultrasound and every checkup. That would annoy me, and I would be the person doing it.

Quick update on how I’m feeling: I’m taking the 25mcg of the Synthroid every day. I have to take it on an empty stomach, and I’m starving when I wake up, so I’m taking it at 5AM when I wake up for the 3rd time to pee and then going back to sleep. It’s not making me feel any different, so I hope it’s working. I have been a crazy woman in the gym, still in there 4 days a week for lifting plus cardio, and then doing my daily walks with my fertility-challenged neighbor, who is also pregnant. No morning sickness, no real food aversions except the smell of fish and ketchup. We saw the ultrasound last week, and the baby had hands, legs and arms. So crazy, since last time it was just a little bean. My husband, who is going to every appointment, is beyond excited, and started telling his friends. So far I’ve told my trainer and one of my good friends. I’m being a chicken. I think because I’m not feeling or looking different, it doesn’t feel totally real.

Part of why I’ve been out of commission is because I was spearheading a baby shower for my sister in law. She is the most ungrateful person I have ever met. Ever. She acts like people owe her. Case in point: she opens up all of the gifts, and decides that she doesn’t want to open the cards. I remind her that many people may have gotten large things off of her registry and probably still want to be thanked. She’s annoyed but does it. So I’m sitting next to her, writing down the gifts she’s getting, and she opens the gift my husband and I got for her. Something to the tune of $400. She says “you guys are crazy.” She doesn’t say thank you, nor does she reach over and hug me. WTF??!! I wanted to snatch that shit out of her hands and tell her we were going to cancel it.

Then later, she stands up to thank her mother and her husband for being supportive. The older ladies remind her rather loudly that that is her husband’s job, because it’s his kid. Does she thank all of us who put together the shower? No. What about those of us that visited her in the hospital? Of course not. And how many times has she called me to check on me now that she knows I’m pregnant? Zero times. Just about as classy as one can get.

I have no idea why she annoys me so much. But ooh, she does. I can not stand ungrateful, self-absorbed people. And the fact that I didn’t want to do this shower in the first place didn’t help. Or that she takes the time to send a picture text of her baby 20 times a day while not taking the time to text me and see if I’m doing okay works my last nerve. But, despite that, one of my missions moving forward is to be more zen. And let things roll off my back. I gotta get this under control before the baby comes. I start yoga back up next week (PinLady said it’s ok after the first trimester.), prenatal massage next weekend, and have been seeing the chiropractor. I need to get  my shit right mentally and physically. I have to.

Anyways ladies, more later. Toodles.

So we went to a wedding this weekend. Yes. A Memorial Day Weekend wedding, in a beach town. Because that’s where I want to spend my holiday weekend – stuck in traffic…But that’s all fine. The trip down was interesting, with me having to literally pack a basket of food because I’m so hungry every two hours. And stopping every other hour because I have to pee. It was a long trip. I was exhausted, hungry, and hated everything about the way I looked. My dress, designed to hide my daily bloating, looked awful on me. I was trying to pretend drink with club sodas that I was saying was vodka and tonic, and dodge the group of girls that were chain smoking while trying to talk to me so I wouldn’t inhale the smoke. It was glorious. And by that I mean awful.

And then the baby talk started. My husband’s good friend asks, in front of a group of people “So when are you going to pop out a baby?” W.T.F??!! Who in the fuck says shit like that? How rude is that? I was like “When are you and your wife?” He’s like “Well you’ve been married longer than us.” Who says that? My husband made up some thing about kids costing money, and we’re trying to get everything together. While the friend is talking, his wife is chain smoking, talking about how they’re going to start trying during the fall so she can deliver and have the summer off. Yeah, because that’s how easy it is. You try, and the month you want to get pregnant, that’s when it happens. She said she’d quit smoking when they start trying. I wanted to share with her how important it was to get your body in shape well in advance. Detoxing and cleansing. But she wasn’t ready to hear it. She was too busy throwing back beers.

And the comments kept coming. I was fuming. My husband reminded me that I was pregnant already. But everyone else didn’t know that, and that’s what’s messed up. Weddings can be kind of shitty like that. They’re a happy, happy occasion on one hand, and then an opportunity for others to harass you. It’s not fair.

But one good thing that came out of the wedding is that I decided that I need to clean up my diet. I ate so much coleslaw and little appetizer thingy-s that I almost got sick. I have strayed from the diet that PinLady recommended, and what got me healthy: no flour, soy, sugar, white rice and lots of veggies and fruits. I’ve been eating whatever I wanted, basically. I need to cut it out. So now that it’s written down, I’m going to stick to it. I promise.

So my endo’s nurse ended up calling me back on Thursday. A week after the fact. Thanks idiot. She said she needed the labs from my OB, and she’d call me back. And she did. Quite quickly. She said with my suspected Hashimoto’s, we need to start on thyroid medication now. She wanted to start me on the lowest dose of Synthroid the next day. She was calling in my prescription as we spoke. To intro that situation, she told me a little gem about high thyroid leading to miscarriage, leading to not carrying the baby to term, and oh, did I mention, developmental issues and low IQ? If I don’t produce enough Thyroid, the baby can’t form his/her own. PS, low thyroid production can mean massive weight gain during pregnancy. Not cute.

So I know I’m usually a no medicine girl, but I knew this was coming. I just didn’t know how soon. Taking thyroid medication isn’t really optional. It’s not preventative and extra, like “just in case” Metformin, and it’s best for the baby. I wanted to call my OB before I picked up the medicine, just in case. But of course it was 5PM on a Friday. Luckily my OB was on call. Not so luckily, she didn’t really understand why I called. She was like “Take it.” I said I wanted to check with her to make sure before I did, since she was my OB. “Well that’s why we tell you to follow the advice of your endocrinologist, sweetie. They’re the experts.” Sweetie? I could punch this bitch. I don’t like being talked to like I’m a kid. I am overly tired now a days, and get sick of people quickly. I don’t have the energy to cuss someone out. At least not out loud. I’m not totally sure I like this chick’s attitude.

But I started taking the medication yesterday. So far so good. They’ll take my levels again in 2 weeks to see if the dosage needs to get adjusted. Maybe my metabolism will start working super efficiently and I’ll lose some weight out of this deal.

I still feel fine. No morning sickness. A little fatigue. Still in the gym like normal. Same old. My husband and I are still having sex, although it’s freaking me out a little that his thingy is where the baby is. I keep imagining his peenie popping the little sac the baby is in. My acupuncture is going well. I’m actually looking forward to my appointments because they aren’t  hurting anymore, and I can get a little nap in. I am so sure that acupuncture is a large reason why I’m still feeling so good. I’m sure of it.

We’re telling my family this coming weekend. That should be interesting. I can see my aunt crying right now. I’ll let my trainer know in 2 weeks after my 11 week OB appointment.

So far so good, ladies. Even with the thyroid drama.

So I got my lab work back. And as all of my PCOS ladies know, you don’t trust the nurse on the phone who says everything is “normal”, because people look at lab work quickly and miss things. Or are bad at their jobs and don’t give a shit. Either way, as my Type A sisters know, we also pick up copies of labs and look at them ourselves. So I did just that.

And despite the “normal” diagnosis, I saw that my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) is 3.43. The normal scale is from 0 to 2.5, in the THIRD trimester. Evidentally, the higher the number, the less efficient the thyroid is operating. And the higher the TSH, the higher the rate of miscarriage. Amazing. I called back the nurse. She talked to the doctor. The doctor said to chill out. That although it’s a little high, she said she’s not worried about it yet. We’ll test again when I come back in.

The endocrinologist told me before I was pregnant that I would definitely have to be on thyroid medication at some point during my pregnancy because I have Hashimoto’s. Not really sure what that is, but I supposedly as I get older or pregnant, my thyroid operates less efficiently, and I’ll have to take medicine to regulate its function. I’ve been told that once pregnant, the OB is the boss,regardless of the endo. Which makes me feel better, because my endo is a pill pushing bitch. As you all know, I am anti-medicine at this point in my life. I’m working on trusting my body and trusting God. I know things are going to be fine. I just have to make my mind believe that.

To make matters worse, I’m in the process of planning my husband’s sister’s baby shower. It’s in 2 weeks, she invited 100 people, and I just got her guest list to send out the invites yesterday. It’s going to be a mess. And I am going to hear so much shit about why I’m not pregnant yet. I am sure that between this fatigue and the hormones that are raging through my body, I’m going to go off on someone there. I may or may not have mentioned that she had the baby already, prematurely at 31 weeks, due to her preeclampsia. So she wants to have the shower before the baby comes home from the hospital. I don’t know how I feel about that — the baby is 2 1/2 pounds. She’s offered to talk to me about pregnancy. About what exactly, I’m not sure. Maybe about what not to do, because lord knows. She tried to lecture me about being in the gym, and said “Make sure when you do those – what are they called? Curls or something? You use lighter weight.” Yes, exactly the person I want to give me advice about staying healthy during pregnancy.

Meanwhile, my acupuncture sessions are going well. The needles don’t hurt at all anymore, which is new for me. I think my body was just rebelling against getting balanced and was like “Oh, you want to stick me with needles? Fuck you.” And now it’s settled in to it. No morning sickness yet. A little fatigue. I’m still in the gym 4 days a week. Peeing like a crazy woman. And crying a LOT more. I was seriously in tears at the Special K commercial where the lady is on the beach and her cover up blows away. But then she realizes that she doesn’t need it, because she looks great! Normal me would be like “Who the fuck cares?”. But I was so touched. Corny, I know. This estrogen is out of control.

Now if I can only get my husband to stop being such a guy. He’s annoying me. He’s like “Are you really tired already? You’re only 2 months.” Fucker, this is the worst time for fatigue. I basically have something leeching off of all of my energy and nutrients. Sometimes he’s an idiot. I’m smacking him next time he says some shit.  Did I mention that these hormones cause extreme anger too? I literally cussed out the local Italian restaurant because when I ordered my food, they wanted to charge me $2 for Fra Diavala sauce instead of marinara. I’m typically reasonable, and was like “OK, why?” He said that because they make the Fra Diavala fresh, they charged more. When I was driving over to pick up the food, the thought of it made me so pissed off. So I confronted them. Don’t they make all their sauce fresh? Regular marinara and Fra Diavala? They do. Okay….Then he starts on some shit about the ingredients. There are more ingredients in Fra Diavala, he says. I say like what, crushed red pepper? I lost it. Don’t give me some crap. I COOK at home. The poor kid was so upset. This estrogen is making me a crazy woman. My husband better watch out.

Meanwhile, my friend in infertility, who had the miscarriage, is going through her second round of Clomid to grow some more follicles. The first time after her miscarriage didn’t work, but they adjusted her dosage and her body seems to be cooperating. I’m praying things go well for her.

PROGRESS: 8 Weeks pregnant, no morning sickness, moderate energy, TSH 3.43 (a little high), but all else normal.

LESSONS LEARNED: I should say “lessons learning”. I am learning to TRUST my body, that it’s not going to betray me. And to trust God that we can do this. I am learning to relax more, and enjoy this moment, regardless of what the future holds.