H: Sometimes I feel like I am in a cocoon, waiting…waiting and watching.
T: watching?
H: Watching everything happening around me while I lay still, being there and yet not.
T: so why don’t you be.
H: be?
T: Be there I mean, instead of just watching..
H: Well, I am waiting…
T: Waiting for what?
H: I wish I knew man..
The heart opens up, allowing every experience to be felt wholly, completely. It exudes warmth outwards and melts down any walls that come in the way, till there are none left. And then, the thing that we used to call the heart, ceases to exist, and all that’s left is just a warm feeling all around.
“Hi!!” I said to her just as we saw one another.
“Ooo Hi! how come you are here?”, she replied, surprised to see me there.
“I live here.” I said, “Just on the other side of 80 feet road.”
She came nearer to chat some more. I was happy to see her and I believe so was she. It was as if we were old friends meeting after a long time, which was a little odd because firstly I didn’t even know her name and I am not sure if she did either, and secondly we had hardly ever talked to one another before this. The only common thing between us were the experiences that we had during a 2 day trekking trip, which by the way, was one of the best trips that I’ve had in the last few years. And I think meeting her in a way made me relive those wonderful moments again.
We chatted a little more. I am a rather shy person, so don’t usually have much to say to people. So when I was done with what i was doing there I quickly parted with her. If she reads this I just want to say that “It was really nice seeing you. I had a wonderful time myself on the trip and it would be great if we all could meet up sometime…and may be plan another trip.”..well anyway…
The trip was what i wanted to talk about, especially remember a few memorable things about the trip. First in my list of memorable things is the soup. The first night when we camped on the hillside, harsha and team prepared tomato soup. It was a grrrreat soup, and i must say, i have never ever enjoyed a knorr soup as much in my life as i did on the trip. Thanks to Harsha and others that were involved in it (sorry I am bad with names so don’t remember the name of others involved).
Next is a small confession i wanna make but first the background. There was a little “fight” when we were putting up the tents. It all started when one set of people took “a yellow stick”, which was used to make the tent, from the second set of people and the second set of people wanted it back because their doorway of the tent (in which they didn’t sleep anyway) was not complete without it. The first set of people had to dismantle their whole tent(in which they didn’t sleep either) and make it all over again just to take out the yellow stick. Well, the second set of people had got it all wrong, because the first set of people could not have been the ones who took their yellow stick, as it was “yours truly”. I want to sincerely apologize to the first set of people as they were the ones who suffered the most. Also, my sincere apologies to the second set of people for taking their yellow stick. I only took it as it was not being used by the second set of people at that time and i thought that they didn’t need it. By the way, our own tent’s yellow stick was missing…and i still don’t know who took it.
Next in my list of things to say is the thing that almost all of us do every morning and don’t talk about or talk during, (well maybe except when somebody starts knocking heavily at the door). I just want to boast about the fact that I did the most “hush-hush” thing that we do, in a place far more breath-taking, far more heavenly than a place where most people have done their most “Yu-Hu!!” or “Hurry!!” things in. Its definitely something to boast about.
And finally i want to mention one of the most dangerous ride that i have ever had in a jeep going through one of the worst roads that i have ever seen that lead to one of the most beautiful waterfalls that i have ever known. Special thanks to my friend nitin dhara, who gave the idea of playing antaakshari on the way back, which was in fact a wonderful idea, as we had in our jeep a girl with a wonderful voice(sorry I am bad with names), and it was a joy to listen to her sing.
All in all, the trip was wonderful, fantastic, profound, beautiful, primal, exhausting, lovely, romantic, great, painful(for the legs), heart-warming, exciting, natural…i am out of adjectives now. It had an effect of making people take off their masks and be themselves, without any inhibitions. I saw them jumping into a small pond of water, which is no larger than a large tub along with 10 other people, more than half of whom they didn’t even know, and still be able to enjoy the cool refreshing water. Or to eating rice out of a black poly bag which could have been fit to carry garbage, and yet find the food so rejuvenating that they wanted more. Or sleeping on the rocky floor of the mountain under the open sky, and yet enjoy a completely satisfying sleep. All of this requires a kind of freedom from social/civil norms which can only come when we experience our most primal urges in strongest ways. Free to do what we want, makes us free to be who we are, thereby allowing us to experience the world around us more intensely. And by being who we truly are, we get closer to one another, sometimes without even knowing it. May be if we would have had more time, who knows we would have seen great friendships emerge out of this experience.
sheetesh.
PS. Want to mention the 16 something girl, with 30 something years of experience of being sixteen. I had a wonderful time with her, espicially enjoyed our talks.
Once upon a time there was a cow who lived in the city. She had got into the habit of getting easy food from the various dust-bins in the city. Then one day, a friend of hers’, another cow from a nearby village came to the city to meet her. It was early morning and they decided to go for breakfast. So the city cow took the village cow to the best dustbin she knew. but the country cow say “What!! I will not eat this crap, you should come to my village sometimes, then I’ll show you what real food is.” with that she turned away and went back home.
A few days later the city cow visited her friend’s village. It was a warm afternoon and the rain had just made the scenery even more greener. The village cow invited her friend to have lunch with her which the city cow accepted gladly. As they trotted the village cow said “I’m gonna take you to the best luncheon you ever had in your life.” They reached a particular pasture which was a lot more greener that those around it. The city cow looked around puzzled and asked her friend “Where’s lunch?”. Her friend said “Look at all the greenery around you, Its like a human child who has been put into a gigantic ice-cream bowl. Eat as much as you like.” Then the city cow said “What!!! This is such crap. How can you eat like this? For every swallow of grass you have to walk so much. No wonder you graze all day.” And with that she turned away and went back to the city.
Moral of the story : There is no place like home.
Ones there was a guy who also happened to be the rain god, but he didn’t know about it. And wherever he went the rain followed him. He could never see the sun for too long. He became a truck driver to run away from the rain, but never could. And hence the years of his life passed in utter misery.
Moral of the story : the worst you could do is be a rain god and not know about it.
blues…thats the exact word for my life at the moment…nothing happens nor do i try to make something happen. I just drift along in silence and think what is wrong with me. life was never like that to me before.
i rarely write on this blog. i dont know why i do that. its not that i do not like to write. i do..but maybe there is nothing to write…nor do i try to make something up to write about. and so i just drift along…just like that. waiting for something to happen to..to write about.
but today ..i thought whats the harm in writing about nothing… i dont expect to be really good or anything…so why cant i just write about nothing.
i can.
i think thats all there is to life…just keep on living…
It was a busy morning, yet not very different from any other…flooded roads, pollution, people. everything seemed like a part of one big machine that just keeps on going, consuming everything it produces. and you, just a tiny little part of it, has to go on and on and on till you slowly wither away only to be replaced by another newer part, no questions asked, no answers given. Yet, most of us so completely identify with the part we play in this machine that our existence is nothing more than that part. And as i rode my bike that day, my mind and body working in rhythm with the sounds of the traffic around me, i couldn’t hear my individuality crying out to me.
I drove trying to push my way through it all, the engine revving at 5-6 thousand rpm. Halfway through it all I saw a green light a couple of hundred meters away. I accelerated, trying to get past it in time but lost hope when it turned red and people ahead of me started to slow down. the counter besides the red light showed 120 seconds so i cut off the engine, so did everyone around me, and this part of the big machine suddenly stopped. It was the quiet that hit me first and then calmness fell all over. I could see a few people around me who were already restless to be a part of the whole again. as for me i quietly sat on my bike enjoying the tranquility and hoping it would stretch a little longer. but then, there are some things that taste better in small amounts. slowly the clock reached to zero and we all were on our way again.
And then I would say Happy Birthday to you.
and you would reply with a smiling thank you.
and i would smile in return too.
and i hope this would do.
no charming gifts, no “how-cute!!” cards,
just a smile, that comes from the hearts.
and a wish thats true, would i bring to you.
and I hope that it would do.
Life is long, and there’ll be times red and blue,
and i’ll be there, still standing with you.
and i hope this would do.
and i hope this would do.
it was just another day for me, waking up at my usual time but just keeping my eyes closed trying to make myself believe that i am still asleep, then wasting a lot of time trying to get out of my bed. for the next half hour or so, I tried to get over with my morning routine as slowly as possible and was doing a great job at it before the phone started ringing.
I was still somwthat sleepy and sluggishly hurried towards the sound, trying to win the race against the ringing music. It was a call from home. Home calls have a way of making you forget your surroundings no matter where you are, coz if you really notice the things that are unimportant…like the people in the background, or the sound of tv or utencils etc. you would realize you know exactly where the person, whom you are talking to, is, and more so, a picture will form in you mind of how your family members are going about their daily routines while you are on the phone. and if you are ready to let yourself believe then withen some time you would realize that you are there with them.
That was exactly what happened with me too. withen minutes of the call i was near the kitchen chatting with my big b while bhabhi ji was cooking breakfast, mummy was sitting on the box near the door, and the little kanha was jumping around trying to get my attention. we talked of unimportant things in ways we normally do. and then my other b came from the middle room and i chatted with him as well. meanwhile kanha’s jumping around got him some attention and he got to say what he almost always does “tata chijji”. someday when he grows up, he will realize that there is a lot more to life than just sweets, but till then he is better of in his own utopia where there are only mummy, papa, tata, tau etc. etc. and Chijji. This was the point when i realized that i was not at home any more.
happy and contended with my little trip to home, i went on with my business with the aim to do an even greater job at it.
and there i was, all alone, standing on the road, watching her as she faded away in the darkness. Only a couple of minutes ago a little girl, no more than 8 years old came to me, in her ragged clothes asking for money, which i diligently denied. she prodded me for a minute but then understanding that i wont budge from my decision, walked away.
and there he was standing all alone on the street as i walked away in search for my answers. i don’t know if i am asking the right question…but i guess sometimes you only need satisfaction of finding the answers to go on. guess I had misjudged him to be of the gentle kind. anyway you make mistakes, you learn. here’s another, lets see if i am mistaken again…
dunno what to write here 