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It’s been a rough start to the new year so far. I spent nearly the entirety of yesterday nonverbal and in a lot of pain, thanks to a sneeze (never a good thing for my TBI) I had in the morning, and my voice didn’t come back all the way until just a little before I went to sleep that night. My health’s been rough since the start of November, so I’ve had to take some time off of school, which would be frustrating even if I wasn’t on the home stretch with my degree. While I think it’s fair to say I’ve had meaningful improvement in the past couple of months, I’m still very nervous about starting up again for the new term on the day before Epiphany; even though I also really, really just want to get back to my studies.
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At the end of the day, all of my everyday problems feel ridiculously small compared to the suffering of so many of my fellow Americans targeted by this fascistic regime—not to mention the people around the world who have suffered and died because of Trump’s idiotic warmongering, his administration’s cruel cancellation of international aid; and a foreign policy easily bought by the likes of Putin, Netanyahu, Prince Al Saud, and other authoritarians. What discourages me the most is that, even though Trump and his personality cult will eventually die out (I pray sooner rather than later), I have no real reason not to expect half the country to vote for a tyrant again when given the chance. We have a serious cultural problem on our hands, not just a political or economic one, and there’s unfortunately no quick solution to it—no matter how much we desperately need one. Our last presidential election was our chance to show the world who we really are, and unfortunately a majority of voters did exactly that. Seeing resistance to commonsense public health measures earlier in this pandemic, I realized how dangerous ignorance and apathy could be; but I still strongly believed both were more widespread issues than hatred. Now, seeing so much cruelty for cruelty’s sake, I’m not so sure. What I am sure is that Hillary Clinton was right on the money calling Trump’s supporters deplorables; who’ve proven repeatedly that they’d rather vote for a sexual predator (a legally convicted one this time around), serial fraudster, open racist, and leader of a violent coup over a qualified woman. Harris didn’t run a perfect campaign for multiple reasons, and I know that her and Biden’s inability to hold Netanyahu accountable for his genocide especially lost them support they desperately needed, but anyone who expected Trump—the man responsible for the Muslim ban during his first term, who used the word Palestinian as a slur on live TV during his debate with Biden, and who openly fantasized about displacing Gazans to build resorts over the blood of their children—to more effectively keep peace in the region isn’t living in reality. There were other factors that affected the presidential election; I could blame most Democrats in Congress for consistently failing to meet the moment, the American media’s constant sane-washing of Trump’s hateful rants of word salads, the fact that there’s been a significant crackdown in many states on voter access, or the dismal state of American public education—but it doesn’t change the uncomfortable reality that voters watched Harris talk about actual policy when she debated Trump, while he screamed canards of immigrant communities eating pets; and the majority of voting Americans (including majorities of White women and Hispanic men, as well as an alarming percentage of Generation Z) picked him over her. While I have plenty of disagreements with the Democrats, some over things I’d consider quite important, voting for Harris was a no-brainer for me; it took little to understand her administration would respect my right to disagree more than a man who openly ran as a wannabe dictator. Trump ran on raw hatred and spite, and hatred and spite won; America became a fascist state because too many of us were too stupid, apathetic, or downright hateful to prevent it. In a twisted way, it was majoritarian democracy doing what it says it does; cruel idiots elected a cruel idiot, again. The behaviour of my pro-Trump relatives during the election season that year ranged from more obnoxious than usual to downright bullying—and all of them still defend Trump and the GOP to this day, even as their mad king commands our military to occupy American cities; and even as we’ve all watched Republicans in Congress publicly do everything they can (including holding welfare benefits hostage from the needy and refusing to swear in a popularly elected representative) to shield Trump, Epstein, and their fellow pedophiles from facing a millimeter of justice. It’s equal parts infuriating and downright depressing seeing how damningly amoral my own nation is, very often in the name of Christian values or even liberal civility. In some ways, the whole situation would be emotionally easier if I had walked into it with a simplistic “America bad” attitude (which felt like just an inverse form of American exceptionalism to me); but I did consider myself patriotic, albeit in a “God mend thine every flaw” sort of way—and I still love the people of this country and the beautiful land we share, I’m still enraged by the way my neighbours and their families are being treated by bullies in power, I can’t not care. I know that we won’t get out of this mess without caring, or without believing a better world is possible; but it still feels like the one I believed in was a lie on some level, that there may be a systemic reason why liberal democracies keep descending into fascism, that a Napoleon rises again and again so soon after what was supposed to be a revolution for the people. Still, there is at least one species of patriotism I feel, even if it’s somewhat localized. While I still hope to get my family into a safer country some day sooner rather than later, I’ve weirdly become significantly more motivated to stay here and fight since the occupation of Portland especially. It’s a sort of possessive patriotism specific to my own state, or even the Left Coast generally, a voice that says, “These are my communities, this the land I grew up on, the people and trees I know; nothing here belongs to Nazis!”
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I’m not sure if what I have left to go on is actual hope or just stubbornness; but, whatever you call it, it has to be enough to fight for a better world. Like millions of other Americans, I’ve tried to resist where and when I can in the past year—but, even though I’ve stuck to nonviolent means (admittedly more for the sake of practicality than principles at this point, if I’m being fully honest, given how little time it took for us to reach the minorities-being-rounded-off-the-streets-by-the-thousands-and-imprisoned-in-concentration-camps stage of fascism), I’m not quite so naïve as to think I can talk about any of my work in detail on a public blog with the current state of things; although being sufficiently vague about it all probably makes what I actually do sound more impressive than it actually is. It can all feel like a drop in the ocean, but it’s one that will always be missing if I do nothing. I know I’m limited in what I can do because of the reality of my disability; but, able or not, my ancestors didn’t shed their blood—both theirs and the enemy’s—defeating fascists, slaveowners, and the followers of idiotic autocrats for me to sit back and do nothing while my neighbours suffer. I was raised to stand up to bullies, no matter the stripe, no matter the odds; and the importance of standing up to those who mistake power for strength is clearer to me now than it ever has in my life. If I’ve learned anything in the past year, it’s that there is no real liberty without solidarity; our rights may be God-given, but those rights can’t be realized as more than nice words on paper in this fallen world without a community full of people who stand up for each other and our right to exist together. It often feels like a losing fight, but it’s the only one worth being in; and I know that America will only become the land of the free if she truly is the home of the brave.
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I really wish I had more encouraging words to share, and that I had higher hopes for this new year. There are days where I feel up to the fight, and there are days like today; where I’m just so overwhelmed by the sheer awfulness of widespread cruelty rising out over any semblance of sanity that civilization itself feels fake somehow. Sometimes it literally just makes me want to run to the forest and just try to live there, protesting this horrifying empire we’ve built. It’s true that the world’s such a dark place right now, and it so often feels like hatred is winning, that humanity’s losing our connection to each other and this beautifully strange planet we share more and more. Sometimes it’s little things that make it all hit me at once; it might sound silly, but this afternoon it was this nightcore version of an old Celtic Woman woman song. I had to stay lying in bed to rest my head most of the day, so I just listened to the song on loop and just let myself cry for a good half hour or so, because it just genuinely made me want to run away to fairyland. I think there’s something deep inside each of us that is supposed to recognize glimpses of it; to know that we don’t fully belong here, that the world is sick, that people aren’t filling our role in it the way we must. So many cultures around the world seem to remember a better one, a timeless space where the Earth is as she should be; where evil can not grow, where humans are at peace with our sister species, and where life itself belongs more than it does to this realm of alien entropy that never feels quite like home. My tradition would say that we long for the days when we are no longer outcasts of Eden; but there are many myths where we glimpse a vision of the Garden, from Arcadia of the Ancient Greeks to Mt. Penglai in the legends of the Sinosphere. Today, that vision for me was of Tír na nÓg, the Land of Youth in Irish myth; and the story of their immortal Princess Niamh with her beautifully tragic love of the human warrior Oisín, who left a timeless land of everlasting life for a doomed return to the land of mortals. Deep down, I believe that there is something inside of us that will always long for fairyland, love that lives for love in the kingdom come. While we may not be able to reach the Otherworld yet, I think the best we can do is make the little corners we find ourselves in this present one a little more like it; just bringing the everyday magic of love and solidarity to the souls planted around us. It might not feel like much in the face of cruelty, but it might just be enough to find fairyland someday.
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-Isaac““
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