We’ve arrived in the world of parenthood! It has been one heck of a bumpy ride, and I’m not yet ready to say it’s been worth it completely…however looking at our beautiful, healthy, baby girl sure helps soften some of the past hurt.
For updates please continue to check in here, although I’m not sure how long I’ll maintain either blog.
Posted in infertility
In case anyone still checks this blog, you might be interested in what’s going on over at my adoption blog, Love You Already. The tide may finally be turning. With any luck, come Monday the giant speed bump may flatten out and become a long, winding, beautiful road…
Posted in adoption
Today I was pleased to discover an article about a brave Canadian couple with enough courage to take on the Ontario healthcare system and is fighting for coverage for fertility treatments. I am always excited to see these rare examples (and usually equally ashamed that I don’t have the strength to do the same – let’s call it #144 on list of things I hate about how infertility changes your life).
The piece itself is not overly strong; it’s more an update or brief on the fact that this is happening. Great. Best of luck to them.
But then I started reading the comments. Boy oh boy, talk about a way to get knocked out of the bubble that surrounds you when you are completely immersed in this world. Call me naive, but I honestly think I am guilty of believing society had progressed to the point where it was accepted that infertility is a serious issue affecting millions of people – all of whom deserve an equal chance to procreate.
No no, quite the contrary. I forgot – there are actually human beings on this planet who believe:
Don’t get me started.
Posted in infertility
I am feeling okay. I haven’t had one of those devastated, crumpled-up-in-a-ball cries from the depths of my heart. I haven’t cursed a higher power. I really haven’t reacted much at all to a negative beta.
It might have something to do with a new development happening on the side. Our adoption file has moved from a voluntary infant placement facility to the provincial department that deals with adoption. This means that we are now being considered for a much broader list of children – most of whom are older than infants – and some of whom will naturally have extra-special needs beyond separation and loss. Most children who come into provincial care are removed from the home, involuntarily, due to neglect or abuse. This is extremely scary to us – but we’re told there is a lot of support available and that there are many successful families through this route.
I would actually love to hear from any adoptive parents who have positive stories to share about adoption via foster or provincial/state care. I have SO many questions.
That would be me.
Once again – for the FOURTH time – it’s over.
Day 3 of full period.
You do get used to this. Each time it gets mildly easier – not easy – but moderately less painful.
Nonetheless, I have discovered Bud Lime takes the edge off.
Posted in infertility
5 dp3dt – no signs of anything happening.
I hate this part.
Posted in infertility
Normally at this time I would write an update about this morning’s transfer. But in this case, I needn’t bother. That’s because I somehow planned it all out in advance, apparently, and wrote exactly how it would go in my last post.
That’s pretty much how it went.
6 eggs.
4 fertilized embryos.
3 semi-quality embryos at transfer.
And now they are nesting quietly.
Now I wait.
If I were of a stronger faith, I would pray.
Give me ONE – that’s all I ask for in this life – ONE baby and I will never, ever wish or want for anything – ANYTHING – ever again as long as I live.
Posted in infertility
Just a quick update – retrieval was fine this morning, and reletively uneventful. The good part is we have 6 eggs.
Now the part I hate…the sickening rollercoaster ride, beginning with tomorrow’s call to report how many have fertilized. My bets are on 4.
Then Sunday’s call will come and we find out how many have divided. I’m going to stick on the sunny side of life and pray for 4…and predict only 3 will be in good shape.
Then the decision – do we transfer on day 3 (likely) or wait until day 5 (this has never happened).
And then of course, showing up for transfer to learn the condition of our embryos.
I would be happy with ONE healthy cellular blob.
P.S. LOVED the drugs today! My, how I’d forgotten how great they are.
Posted in infertility, IVF
And by people, I mean me. That’s right, I am like Pavlov’s dog, drool and all. Heck, if you Google the term Sucker for Punishment you’ll likely land on a web site all about moi.
Seriously? My update is just to say that the Speedbumps are taking part in IVF #4. In fact, I just took my trigger shot a few minutes ago, in preparation for retrieval on Friday.
This has not been an easy cycle. For 15 days I’ve injected the maximum legal allowable amount of drugs known to human kind. For the first 4 days, I didn’t respond. At all.
During my first scan, there were TWO piddly half follicles, barely registering on the screen. My estradiol was 126. That’s bad, period.
Twice during this cycle it’s been suggested we cancel, if for nothing else, to save our souls money, but I had a nagging feeling things would improve…based mostly on, oh I don’t know…the fact that I have done this THREE other times and already know I have ovaries of steel?? Sheesh.
Next E levels = 350. Still bad. Really, really bad.
Luckily, I listened to my inner voice (does that sound creepy?) and made the decision to trudge on, and continued to inject $700/day into my belly. During the next scan, I had 3 or 4 sorta-kinda-maybe follicles, but my estradiol levels were still not stellar. Only 1900 (note for newbies – one mature egg = 1000).
And then, just like magic, four days later I have a sudden jump in my levels: 6220. And the scan revealed 5 lovely looking follicles (and 3 piddly ones).
Which brings me to right now. As a poor rotten responder, I am pretty darn pleased with my nasty-ass ovaries! This may seem strange to anyone who has harvested 20+ eggs in one go, but to me, it’s about as good as it gets.
I’m actually looking forward to finding out how many eggs we’ll have in our basket come Friday morning.
Wish us luck!
Posted in FERTILITY-CHALLENGED, hope, IVF
I realize I’ve all but abandoned this blog, and I realize few if any people stop by to read it anymore…but while I’m not active here, I’m still HERE, and life continues to whiz by with horrendous speed…while I race against time to reach the elusive victory I’ve yearned for…well, for many years now. It almost hurts to say it’s been seven years.
Anyhow, I thought I’d post an update to share we’ve opted for ivf #4 and today marks day one of injections. I’m on a flare protocol, which, honestly, means nothing to my stubborn, steel-clad ovaries, but it makes the docs and nurses feel good to suggest this protocol may produce better results. And while I have told them I’ve done a similar protocol at another clinic they neither seem to listen or care. The fact is, there is NOTHING to suggest any protocol will spark my ovaries to respond. Expectation: managed.
So why am I back at clinic A – the one I hated and swore I’d never visit again? Good question. For starters, we have a new RE who is fantastic and seems to get it. And while the RE we’ve used in the past is the director of the clinic, we have made our wishes known that we do not want anything to do with her, and insisted that she is not present for our retrieval or transfer.
Also, I have a BAD – and I’m talking worse than ever – bad case of the “who cares”? I am SO unenthusiastic about this that I’m barely participating. In fact, if it weren’t for the fact that I have to inject the drugs into MY OWN BODY, I doubt I could tell you what I’m injecting. I’m sure there is a sports analogy or cliché about “not showing up for the game” – I’ve heard hockey players use it – that applies to me. I am just going through the motions, and truly don’t feel nervous or anxious or excited.
I think with each IVF, this syndrome gets worse. It is SO DANGEROUS to care. It is much safer to turn off all emotion and treat the needles the same as brushing my teeth or shaving my legs – an annoying but necessary ritual.
So there you have it – I expect retrieval will be around the 14th or so, and I think I’ll align the transfer (should we be so lucky) with vacation so I can spend my tww in a hammock.
To end on a positive note – the one glimmer of h*pe (not ready for that word yet) in this scenario is that this IVF follows my surgery. For the first time I will have a normal uterus to work with…and that is something new. It gives me REASON (not H*PE ) to believe we could have success.
Posted in infertility
Giant Speed Bump 
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