Well, it’s been a couple of years. People say that everything happens for a reason, and I guess they’re right- terrible anxiety and depression can make someone stay in an unhealthy relationship because you don’t see a way out or you don’t think that you deserve better. I’ve written posts only to delete them because I needed time for clarity.

Adam is damaged. He was hurt by his family. He was also selfish. He led me to believe that he loved me. He hugged me all the time, and we did things together like a couple. He would hold my hand, kiss me, and be loving at home and in public until someone was looking. Then he’d back away and sometimes walk away from me altogether. He was also molested by his father and chalked his inability to cope with physical intimacy on that, and he said that he was attending therapy regularly. This was not true.  Through our entire “relationship” I was trying so hard to be what he wanted that I lost sight of what I want in life. I want a happy home and to help people. Those have always been my priories. I’m not materialist. I understand that it’s going to be okay if the water boils over on the stove. I understand that not everything has to be so clean you can eat off of the floor. Anyway, we had very different priorities in life.

After we “broke up” in December of 2016, I started dating other people and realized how far down I had gotten. I was changing my eating habits to hide my food choices because he was critical of them. Of course that didn’t help because then I was binge eating and gaining even more weight. He had always been critical of my weight. One time I got brave and decided to try to initiate something sexual, and he laughed at me and said “you’re beautiful, but you’re not attractive to me”. More to come about that later.

I say “broke up” because he told his family at their Christmas dinner loud enough for everyone to hear that I was NOT his girlfriend, and he would NEVER be with someone like me. That was obviously devastating. So when we got home, I asked if that was true,  he confirmed that is the way he felt. He said that he loved me, but he was not in love with me. He also didn’t want for me to move out, since I already had my own room it was easy enough to stay.

In April of 2017 I went to visit one of my friends who lives outside of Washington DC. I had a fantastic time. We went out for my birthday, and had some long talks about why I was letting myself be treated so poorly. So in May, I moved to Maryland. I stayed till December. I got the perspective on my failed “not” relationship with Adam. I came back home to my job in Knoxville, and moved in with my parents to help them and to save up for my own space again.

Everything was going okay. I had let Adam know that I would be back in town to avoid the awkward run-in that would inevitably happen, and we had chatted a little bit. Then it snowed. He wanted me to come stay with him because he lived closer than my parents and he had an extra room (and my bed was still there). So I went. We slept together. We didn’t have any sexual contact, but we slept together, which is something that we had never done before. We had some deep and intimate conversations. He came out to me. It hurt that he had kept it from me for so long, and I felt great empathy for the man that I had loved so much. I thought that we could be friends once this happened, but just like everything else I had perceived, this was not true.

I saw Adam twice before he didn’t want to see me anymore. He still said that I could text him any time I wanted, but that’s not what I wanted. He moved back to Kentucky a few months ago, which has been a blessing. What has not been easy to swallow is that I STILL fucking worry about his mental health and what he does to other people. He told me he is gay, breaking down crying about it. Then I texted him on his birthday to tell him happy birthday and he tells me that he’s dating a woman. Well, he actually called her a girl, but I digress. That hurt my heart. I took it personally, but then I realized that he has to make his own choices. I really want him to be happy, and as far away from me as possible.

It’s funny how sometimes we wait till we have nothing left to say to try and say everything all at once. It’s like everything finally just catches up with us and spews out, whether we like it or not. There are some things of the past year that I wouldn’t trade for the world. And other things I wish that I could completely block out. I honestly have no clue where I stand. I feel like I’ve been drowning for the last few years. I could blame the abusive ex, but I feel like that gives him too much credit. I’m just a coward. I’m also someone that doesn’t really stand up for my own needs. Tonight, it’s Christmas, by the way. I got told (jokingly) that I shit on everything. Maybe if it weren’t how I feel about myself, I wouldn’t have taken it so personally. But depression and living in a constant fear of never being good enough can really take a toll. I’m just so ridiculously grateful when someone actually likes me, it doesn’t even matter how they treat me. Which I know is not a good road to go down, but I don’t even know how to stop it once it has started.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. Mostly because I’m not even sure what to say. I’ve changed jobs several times this last year. I went from working with people with special needs, to working in a bakery, then to working in a factory, back to working at the bakery, and finally now I’m working in a call center. It’s not the best job, but I still somehow manage to have good time at it. I feel like I get to help people,  and it has pretty good benefits, along with decent pay. So yeah. My professional life has been all over the place, but I’m finally in a pretty good place.

I still live in the same place, with the same roommate. Nothing much has changed there. Of course, that is not exactly good, but also not bad. It just leaves a lot of questions unanswered in my mind. I’ve been good. I haven’t resorted to some of my previous behavior and dependence on vices other than food. Not drugs, but some things that can be pretty destructive still. Taking unnecessary risks and whatnot. Until tonight, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m just tired.

Sometimes it’s hard to admit when you’re wrong. I’m really stubborn, so I sometimes refuse to face the fact that sometimes things are just not going to work out the way I want or expect. Staying in those situations is how I have fucked my own brain into believing that I’m worth far less than I really am. It’s a sad reality for me.

I’ve gone through a few major changes recently. My relationship ended with the guy I had really hoped for things to work out with. They just didn’t work. I was never able to completely get over him saying that I was a burden and that the reason that we were together was simply because he couldn’t find anyone better. He said so many times that he didn’t find me attractive that I started to believe it.

I lived with him even though things were rocky- we were “trying” to make it work- till I had finally had enough. He got petty about me visiting my friend in another state for my birthday. He got really nasty, throwing constant insults about him and me, and he couldn’t be bothered to take me to the airport. He also didn’t help me move like he said he would, among other things. I won’t go into a lot of detail at the moment, but he was not the person that I am meant to be with.

What kills me is that I always end up feeling like I’m a burden to someone else. I always feel like I’m not *actually* wanted, and that people tolerate me for who fucking knows why. I’m awkward, have anxiety about everything, and I’m pretty damn boring on top of that! I don’t feel sorry for myself about it, but I’m not sure if I would put up with me as a friend.

So, I moved in with said friend I visited for my birthday. I’m in Maryland now. I live and work here. I’ve been here for just over 4 months, and it’s okay. Expect blog posts more regularly for a little while. I’m not a damn burden. I know that even when I am, my redeeming qualities MUST make up for it somehow.

I’m just so tired of doubting the sincerity of everyone’s friendship. I am not an island. I have wonderful people in my life- both friends and family, but I still find that I worry that I don’t do enough for them.

TL;DR: Break-ups suck. I stayed way too long with someone that made me feel like a burden, and it has impacted my life every damn day since.

Happy 2017, ya’ll! I wanted to write today about how my life has changed in the last year. The many job changes I’ve had, and how other things have changed and improved. I logged into my blog to see this comment waiting for my approval.

It honestly hurt my feelings at first. It made me second guess all the friends I have made and kept after no longer working with them anymore, and even over a month later, I’m still struggling with my own depression and anxiety. Something so small shouldn’t impact someone so much, right?

Now that I look at it, though, it doesn’t even matter. Her comment made me laugh today. People are terrible, and I’m the furthest thing from pathetic. I’m awesome- even if after working 18 hours my feet DID stink.

EDIT: I had originally drafted this back in January, and decided not to post it because Adam said it would be silly to give her the time of day. Well, he’s gone, so I’m posting it. Fuck him.

I suppose sometimes I let my dreams and wants and wishes get the best of me. I want things to change so much that I make my mind up that they will change, even if that’s not the reality of the situation.

I saw the image above today on social media, and it hit me really hard. I had so many expectations for my life. What I wanted to happen. What I wanted to accomplish, and yet very few of these things have actually happened.  I don’t normally make New Year’s Resolutions, but I do have goals that I try to meet each year. This year I moved and am in a different job. Not where I wanted to be job-wise, but I’m doing okay. I’m living in a much better place, and I really like my home. Work wise, well, that can use some work.

As far as my relationships go… that can really use some work. I still have no idea where I stand or what to do about it. I’ve been trying to reach out to more of my friends, but I haven’t had the money or motivation to really go out and do anything. It’s really frustrating. Anyway. One thing at a time.

My expectations for myself this year are:

1. Getting back into the gym to work out. (I’m going on Wed to get a membership and some work out pants. I am going to do this on my own this time.)
2. Getting a financial plan and budget in place. And using it.
3. Eating better. This means that I’m going back to eating out only once a week. And eating at least 3 salads a week, and at least one veggie a day. You do not understand my dislike of vegetables.
4. Visit at least one new place this year.
5. Make new friends and keep connected to the friends that I have.

Things that I can do this week:

1. Gym membership and work out pants on Wed. That’s already in the plan.
2. Grocery shopping to include salad stuff on Wed. (That’s pay-day.)
3. Spam friends for work out buddies.
4. Start savings jar for vacation.

I’ll let you all know how it goes.

I read something the other day that said “There is no reason to ever hit a woman, ever.”

Then a comment on that said “If a woman pulls a knife on me, I’m going to hit her. If people believe that women are truly equal to men, any reason good enough to hit a man is a good enough reason to hit a woman.”

What I believe to be true is somewhere in the middle. Yes, if a woman pulls a knife on you, you obviously have the right to defend yourself. If a woman is hitting a man and she is causing no physical harm to the man, and she has been angered to the point where she lashes out physically, sometimes that’s another story.

One of my romantic partners is significantly bigger than me. He’s a foot taller than me. He can very easily pick me up and put me over his shoulder. He also likes to bug me to the point that I’m really mad. He does so playfully, specifically to get a response from me. I’ve slapped him on the chest and pushed him. Mostly out of my way so that I can get to whatever he’s trying to keep away from me. That doesn’t mean that it would be okay for him to hit me. It’s all light and in good fun. I’m not permanently mad, teasing and giving me a hard time is part of his way to communicate and making a game. (Before anyone thinks to say he’s being abusive, mean, etc… No, he’s not. It’s a game, and I also enjoy the interaction.) In this case, I’m sure that if a man shoved him, he would be inclined to start a fight. But if it’s me, just playing, that’s a completely different situation.

On the other hand, there are situations where women attack men, and when men defend themselves, they are seen as the guilty party. Men have the same right to safety as women do. Meaning that women shouldn’t use their physical power to hit a man. Even if he’s big and tough and scary looking.  A physical blow delivered in the heat of the moment by anyone (even if it doesn’t really hurt the body) is really a mind-fuck.

Then there are the situations where the women and men in a relationship are physically more equal, or that the woman is stronger physically than the man. In this case, the woman could easily be the physically abusive one. It could be the man in the relationship that fears for his life.

The true definition of feminism is that gender nor sex defines our worth or abilities.

That being said, if a man hits a woman that is significantly weaker than him, he’s a douche. Just like if a big burly man hits a small more fragile man. It makes him a bully. And an ass-wipe.

And if a woman starts it and maliciously strikes a man, she is opening herself up to a physical altercation. And she is also an ass-wipe.

What we reveal about ourselves has a lot to do with our audience. I think that it’s horribly ironic that I can share some of my most troubling issues and be completely open with someone I’ve never met, or semi-anonymous strangers on the interwebs. Yet I can’t even speak frankly with some people that I’ve known forever about mundane things. Or at least mundane in my world.

What I’m most afraid of right now is being alone. That would mean that I would have to focus my attention inward, and deal with my issues. The stuff that happened in my past that I’ve never really addressed. What happened behind closed doors. The manipulative side of my mother, and the side of my dad that was so easily manipulated. The kids that I now understand had been molested and sexualized at a very young age trying to take a shower with me and cuddle with me… among other things. The people at church that said horrible things to me about my parents and then were nice to their face. The people that were horrible to me, and then nice to me only when other people were around.

Not something that I want to do. I constantly want to have companionship. Not because I particularly like people, or am very social. I simply hate to be alone. I like being able to focus my attention on other people. Helping others. That’s part of why I’m such a good caregiver. I can put my whole heart and soul into it, without having to focus on my own life.

I should be my favorite. I am awesome and worth the care that I typically show other people. I’m worthy of love, and most importantly, I am worthy of my own love. Even if others haven’t seen my worth.I guess it’s about time I learn to love myself without the validation of other people. I’m going to be my own best friend. I’m going to start being selfish with my time and heart. I’m so tired of trying to please other people. To be interesting enough. To be educated enough. To be understood and understanding.

I’ve talked about some of this before, and while I know that I will eventually be someone’s first choice, today is not that day. Until I am my own first choice. I’m going to start that now.

The biggest fear that I really have only very recently addressed is the fear of failure. It’s the root of all of my anxiety attacks. I want to do things right. I want to have enough money. I have to succeed in life because I don’t have a safety net. When I feel like I’m not doing well, I get very depressed. Sometimes suicidal. It’s not an easy road. Sometimes my fear of failure keep me from doing anything to improve my situation. That’s not helpful. Thanks irrational anxiety.

Yesterday I got a lot of stuff done that I had been putting off doing. I called and set up an interview for a part-time job (that could turn into full-time if I like it better). I made a doctor’s appointment to get back on hormonal birth control. I did my grocery shopping and then I had a full work day. I felt so accomplished when I got home. It was a nice change. And I aced my job interview today; they’ve already called my references!