I’m not trying to be a gloomy person, but some of my thoughts have been heavy lately. In particular, I have been grieving so much for the loss of most of my family. I have lost all of my grandparents, my father, my mother, a brother, a son, my husband and more recently my lovely sister. I know it’s part of life, but it’s still very hard.

Recently I was thinking about how strange it is after they are gone. At first, the pain is too raw to think for too long about it. After a while I find I can talk about them and allow myself to process it all. It’s what happens to me months after the loss that is disturbing and strange to me!

I get a strange feeling that I can’t believe my memories. Did that person really exist, or did I imagine them? I don’t even know how to explain so it makes sense. It just seems so unbelievable that this person had a full life including many possessions they loved, hobbies they loved and people they loved. They had a huge personality and held such an important place in my heart. They had a life! They worked hard! I spoke to them, laughed and cried with them, texted with them. They were always there!

And then in an instant, they are gone. All of those things meant nothing in the end. What was it for? Is there any real meaning to us? All of the hard work and possessions are meaningless in the end.

I get to a place where it seems that person was not real and it was all in my imagination. It’s just too unbelievable that their existence is wiped out and the world goes on as if their passing means nothing.

I will try to post something light-hearted next time. I just wanted to express my heavy thoughts in hopes to release some of the pain I feel right now.