It was bad news for us on Wednesday. I started bleeding and then Thursday we had a negative pregnancy test. It’s a big blow, coping with disappointment is hard. IVF is such a difficult and all-consuming process to be in. You spend months preparing and then six weeks of constant physical, emotional and mental procedures (daily reminders) then a bleed puts a harsh, quick end to everything. It’s all come to nothing, we did all of this and the result is still the same. Infertility has no end date and that is one of the reasons it is so hard. Some people I know have said “oh that’s exciting” about us going through IVF, (hence why I don’t talk to many people about it). I know people mean well but there is nothing exciting about IVF.

My beautiful husband and I are strong together. We’re going to take some time to heal, regroup and move forward.

A week since our transfer! Work has been full-on (I do more than one contract role and deadlines occasionally overlap) so I haven’t had much time to think about our big test next week. It’s Good Friday today and I’m still working (albeit sitting on a beanbag in the sun on my deck at home).

I’ve planned a massage, decreased workload and catch-up with close friends next week leading up to the big test and may do acupuncture. On the day of the test I think I will ask the clinic to leave a phone message so my husband and I can listen to it together in the evening. I’ll be working from home the following day and I’ve planned nothing except a haircut and blow dry. With some recent good news around my husband’s business we’ve decided to have a celebratory evening out that night (can’t waste a fresh hair do now). The only impact our test result will have on the night will be whether I’m having cocktails or mocktails.

I’ve lined up a counselling session the following week in case I need it too. My counsellor told me earlier this week that most need a second IVF cycle … So we’re attempting to be realistic with our expectations. If we get pregnant in our first transfer of our first IVF cycle then we’re lucky!

Good news on Monday, we have one frozen blastocyst embryo. So while one transfer and just one frozen embryo from 16 eggs is low, I feel grateful.

Feeling relaxed and calm, great!  A yummy brunch, beachside walk and a big, delicious ice cream helped heaps. After yesterday’s transfer we decided to have a weekend “away” at home rather than actually going away. Our morning outing was followed by a lazy television catch-up session. I find it hard to rest during the day as I want to be doing things.

Our transfer went well. Acupuncture before and after helped me to relax. I was told I’m at risk of OHSS as some fluid showed up on my scan (which can be an indicator of OHSS or sometimes it’s just a result of egg collection) and also because of the high number of eggs collected (16), but I’m feeling okay so far. Having over stimulated on clomid each time I took it (in the end I was half a tablet every second day and still producing three follicles), I always suspected I could be at risk of OHSS.  Although none of the doctors seemed concerned about this when I raised it with them.

The embryologist said that if we end up doing another IVF cycle they would almost certainly do ICSI due to the low fertilisation rate (3 out of 16). One or two eggs fertilised late so we’re going to find out in a couple of days if there are any embryos to freeze. I’ll likely feel disappointed it there isn’t but we’ll deal with that on Monday.

P.s. If I’m completely honest, I’m really missing wine. It’s good to take a break from good things as you then realise what you really do like.

We took a knock yesterday but we’re back on our feet today. While I’ve always viewed reaching IVF as the end of our journey (after six years of trying what feels like everything else but IVF), I now realise we may only be at the start of a new part of our journey. We have our hope and we’re certainly giving this our best but I’m beginning to understand the odds are likely more that the first IVF cycle won’t work.

I was more prepared for the phone call from the embryologist this morning, two embryos are making good progress and the transfer is set for tomorrow morning (so a day three transfer). I’m back to feeling hopeful.

While I’m fortunate to have many friends and people who care about me, I’m a fairly private person at the best of times. Through our fertility journey, especially in recent months as we’ve got closer to IVF, I’ve been protective about who I let in. It’s such a sensitive time and while people don’t mean to, they often say things that hurt or affect you. It’s definitely not what I need at the moment, keeping our IVF close is the best decision for me right now. My two female supports are one of my best friends and one of my sisters. These two, my husband (my best support) and now this blog are my confidents. I talk to a fertility counsellor when I need to and I find this really helps. Today I let one more person in, a relative (an awesome in-law) who went through IVF close to 20 years ago. I reached out to her yesterday and I found talking to her today very reassuring.

Onward and upward. I’m booked in for acupuncture before and after the transfer and I’m putting my best foot forward tomorrow.

Right now I don’t want to be told that I should be grateful that three eggs fertilised or that at least there is more than one embryo, right now (just for today) I want to feel a little bit sad that 11 (potentially 13) little eggs didn’t make it. It is a disappointing result as the average is around 60% fertilisation, three out of 16 is just 19%.

So 16 eggs retrieved yesterday (all were mature eggs) but  just three fertilised overnight. Embryologist says another two are “maybes”. A sharp reminder of how very fragile this whole process is. You start to feel a little excited and then one phone call changes everything. It’s amazing how quickly that lingering fear of never being able to have your own biological children returns when discouraging news is received.

But tomorrow is a new day and now that I’ve allowed myself to deal with today’s disappointment tomorrow can be about hope. Hope and belief that one or more of the three embryos make the distance.

My ovaries have been busy with 16 eggs retrieved today. While we’re delighted with the great start, we know not all the eggs will fertilise and even the ones that do might not survive the next three to five days (until transfer). Our embryologist will phone first thing tomorrow with an update. We will try our best to take one day at a time and not get ahead of ourselves. In saying this though I can’t help but feel excited one (or more) of the 16 eggs has started its journey to become the baby (or babies) wanted so very much by us.

At times I can’t believe I’m at this stage of treatment. While IVF has been a long time coming, it also feels like our IVF “action” (i.e. retrieval and transfer) has come around quick. It has been a full-on month of daily injections though. One per day for the first 16 days then two per day for 11 days.

The first 16 days were the worst (on the down regulation) with lots of mood swings and anxious moments. I always try to remember good days on bad days, I find this very helpful in getting through. I’ve also found acupuncture useful in relaxing me. I’ve had three sessions in the past 10 days. I figure the best thing I can do at this stage is to be as relaxed as possible. Prepare my body to accept the embryo.

Due to the higher than average number of eggs collected I’m at a small risk of OHSS, I’ll be monitored as we get closer to transfer.

Aside from some discomfort and pain I felt this morning with the egg collection, I’m mostly feeling relaxed and happy. I’m thinking relaxed and happy is the best way to be feeling right now!

Injections start tomorrow and I’m feeling good mostly. I’m hoping it’s the thought of daily injections that is worse than the actual injections. I wonder how I’m going to feel with the change in hormones? Will I have mood swings? Body changes? Appetite changes? One day at a time I guess.

I’ve mostly stopped coffee now. Went five days last week without it, I’m guessing it’s probably best to either have it every days or not have it all from here on in rather than being off and on. Probably the later is best. I had some lovely wine last week. I really enjoyed it. While I’ve cut back hugely on alcohol in recent months, I think I’ll be even more limited from here on in.

My husband and I are feeling very excited now. Yes, a month of injections are about to start, with various blood tests, scans and procedures to come. But we’re excited. The thought of us having our baby, and being so close to the start of this, is exciting.

Lots going on in our lives right now with jobs, property and business but this is our biggest focus 🙂

Someone said to me the other day that they believed getting pregnant (even for those having trouble) was just a matter of getting it in the right place. Yip, ignorance. You sure hear of lot of this sort of stuff over the years. I read a fantastic quote today. It was on another blog, check it out here. “… please before you offer me advice, just give me a hug and listen.” So true!

After six years of trying to conceive, no damage  has been done to our sex life. I’m so proud of this. From the early days we were careful to not let baby making dominate our sex life and it’s paid off. Even though it was tempting at times to say things like “we really should have sex tonight” or “it’s that time of the month”, we didn’t. I didn’t say it and he didn’t ask. Of course I always made sure I put the subtle moves on at the right time if needed, but the pressure was off both of us. Sure there were some nights where we were too tired, so we’d go for it the next day instead (better this than have sex regretfully). It’s so important to protect your sex life during the infertility struggle. Sex is a key part of intimacy and intimacy is a key part of a relationship. A strong relationship is your best tool when going through the infertility journey. We’ve both worked so hard (willingly and lovingly) to get to this point, but the hard work is paying off now we are almost at our first IVF cycle. I’m proud of my relationship, sex life and life in general with my beautiful husband.

I got my period today and I’m delighted! I can’t believe I’m saying that. The dreaded “day 1” is not at all dreaded today. Today marks the start of our IVF treatment month. We’ve waited for this for so long. I haven’t shared the news with my husband yet, will so tomorrow. I’ve developed a pattern over the last few years of telling him about my period the day after I get it (sometimes a few days later even). Works well for me, as I let myself have a bit of time to get my own head around it. Everyone has their different ways of dealing with the dreaded day 1.

Anyway, now we’re here and I’ve rung into the fertility clinic I know some dates finally. I start taking my daily injections on February 24 and start Gonal F on March 9. I’m feeling really excited today (some days I feel scared and fearful about IVF and then others are like today).

I felt great today. The healthy eating is definitely helping. Not drinking too! Cutting out the alcohol over the weekend makes such a difference to the start of the week (well, too the whole week really). Usually after a big weekend (albeit fun was had on a Friday or Saturday night), Monday and Tuesday I’m a bit down. Also, alcohol bloats me. That coupled with the bloating from my mild endometriosis (I had surgery for this nearly two years ago, more on this another time) I’m really enjoying the break from alcohol at the moment. While I’m always going to love a social drink (or three), my mind, body and soul was definitely ready for a break from alcohol (more on that another time also).