In my next life, I’m going to be courageous and care free.

I’m going to enjoy and be present for every event large or small in my children’s life.

I’m going to smile, laugh, and enjoy every moment of the time I have with them.

In my next life I’m going to experience every feeling and I’m not going to let it define me.

I’m going to be strong not because I have to be but because I want to be. I’m going to teach my children how to handle the ups and downs in a healthy way.

In my next life I’m going to go to concerts, basketball games and any big arena that I choose and not worry about the things that surround me. I will have no exit plan.

In my next life I will not let the world around me defeat me. I will use the power of my voice and not feel guilty.

In my next life I will demand that the love around me will be a safe space. I will not let the brokenness of others engulf me.

In my next life I will reach out to friends and family when I’m lonely and not be ashamed.

In my next life I will not be this version of myself. In my next life I will be happy.

Aaron Quimby

I can’t believe you have been gone for 10 whole years. 10 years of not hearing your voice or your laugh. 10 years of not seeing you other than in a picture. 10 years ago but time is fickle because some times it was only yesterday.

I remember everything about that afternoon. You came by the house to borrow clothes from your brother because you were going out for dinner and wanted to look good.

I only got to see you for a few minutes but you hugged me and said you loved me.

The rest of my night was normal until I woke up with police banging on my door.

My life changed in that instant. I don’t know what happened in the in between but I obsess over those hours.

I still look for you, I still wait on your phone call, I still love you.

You are my 1st child and oh how I loved you. I never knew that someone so little could engulf my heart and soul so much.

I can’t explain the emptiness my soul feels, the way my heart aches even when I am laughing.

I would have taken your place in an instant so you could be here on earth watching your children grow up and become amazing people. I would take your place even now if I could.

Every night I go to sleep hoping I will find you and every morning I wake to your death. There are no words to really express the longing I have for you.

I know there will come a time that I will join you wether it’s tomorrow or 20 years from now, it will still be to long.

Mark Aaron Quimby, I love you with every single breath I take and I miss you with every fiber of my being.

I will love you always

Mom

I read something today. It said how sad would it be for all that was left of me was a cross on the side of hwy. 74.

I thought to myself this is a big “It” in my book! This is a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking “It.” The thing is you both were here! You were formed inside me, my body fed yours and I gave you life. LIFE!!

I held you first and I , Your Mother loved you first. Before you ever even took a breath, I loved you. Before you stepped into the big wide world, I loved you.

When you skinned your knee, when you got dirty, when you laughed, when you cried and when you grew. I loved you.

I was your secret keeper, I was your sounding board, and I was your biggest fan. I loved you.

When you were angry, I listened. When you were confused, I listened. When you were happy, I listened. I loved you.

When you fell in love, I was there. When you became a father, I was there. We shared a lifetime every day. I loved you.

So you see I can’t let you go, I can’t move on. I can’t let your memory be in a cemetery with just a headstone or some old photo. I can’t let you be a memory because in me, you are still alive. I watch you in your children’s faces, I hear you in their voices. I hold you in my heart. Do you see it now? I will always love you.

I can’t hear your voices today, honestly I don’t remember when was the last time I did.

I have forgotten what your favorite movies were and the songs you played on repeat.

I feel you both slipping away more and more. Your deaths though they continue daily with fresh new ways.

Without the familiar sounds, without the familiar nuances of your beings.

I seem to be forgetting more and more about your lives and remembering only your deaths.

Memories that are fading and that can never be made again. Pictures that are frozen in time to never be lived again. These are my nightmares, these are my day terrors.

It’s so hard to hold on when there is so little left to hold on to. When life just keeps moving forward and you are being left behind , like a trinket on a shelf that is forgotten.

It’s just not fair that your deaths are my lifetime.

I think in my many years I’ve owned up to my mistakes. I have accepted that there were many. I also don’t blame others for the life I lived.

I also like to think that I’ve grown into a somewhat mentally healthy person ( with the help of medication). I have gained a strength through the loss and heartbreak that I have endured.

Through it all , I’ve never completely gave up hope and I’ve never stopped loving my people.

I still have my insecurities but I don’t let them stop me, though at times they definitely slow me down.

I’ve been working on being the captain of my ship and master of my fate.

I was reminded again though that my strength is still wavering and I’m not as strong as I want to be. Sometimes it only takes one remark , innocently said to knock me back down.

One remark to take me back to the person who was fighting to stay alive. One remark to bring back the guilt of failure. One remark to break my heart. One remark to remind me of all of my failures as a Mother.

My ship is back in the stormy sea fighting the thunder, the lightning, and the horrendous waves. And my fear is that one day it may just drown me.

Funny how just one question can take you through a whirlwind of emotions.

Are you okay? Actually, I’m not. I am surviving, I am functioning most days and even some nights. But, okay?

It’s been 8 years since Aaron left me and 7 and a half since Derek left. I don’t think I’ve been okay since.

I absolutely have no idea how to live; functioning and surviving, I’ve gotten pretty damn good at.

The thing of it is, is that most people don’t want to really know if I’m okay. People don’t know what to say when the answer is not I’m fine. People get uncomfortable when the truth is I’m sad, I’m hurting, I want my sons back. I want to turn the clock back to before my world crumbled.

Am I okay? No, not really but give me a few minutes and I’ll put on a smile.

I think there’s pivotal moments in everyone’s life that change the way you look at the world.

Marriage, birth, sickness, a new job,being hurt and death . There is no one in the world that makes it through this life without pain. Pain, suffering and sadness goes together with the happiness, joy and love that we have.

Death though is a whole other level of madness. It confuses you and takes away part of your soul. You are never the same person you were, which is okay because I would never want to be that person again.

Today is one of those days that changed my life, 7 years ago as I was working just like any other day, I received the phone call that would rip my heart in to pieces. You shot yourself, I remember the fear and hurt that went through my brain, my heart and my soul.

But I pulled myself together as best I could so that I could be by your side and love you back to health. I didn’t know it was already to late. I didn’t know that your blood was only flowing through you because of some machine.

I still believed in miracles and I still had hope that the outcome would be on our side. I still believed that love would conquer all.

These days I’m not sure what I believe. I know though that hugs hurt, that hope hurts and love can tear your heart apart. Even with that I put one foot in front of the other and I keep going. I go because there are so many that you and your brother left behind and I refuse to do the same.

When I wake up tomorrow I will have found out that you didn’t make it through but that you saved others lives. When I wake up I will remember that when you took your last breath just as your brother did, I wasn’t there to hold you. That is torture and the torment that I will live with for the rest of my life.

I will carry you in my heart and I will speak about you and remind the world of who you are. I will remember that sometimes it’s not who we are but who we raise that will make a difference in this world.

I’m home in bed sick for a few days. Nothing life threatening just some viral infections that have me down.

I’m sure if you are reading this, you’re thinking why is she talking about something so trivial? Well, as I mentioned Im on bed rest and what do you do on bed rest when you can’t sleep and your brain never stops. For me Im watching a lot of tv! In particular Hoarders, I use to joke that I watched it so that I felt better about my housekeeping skills.

Today though it’s putting me through the wringer mentally. Before I throw myself under the bus, I want to say my house is clean, lightly cluttered and very functional.

My hoards are packed in boxes and crates. I have a small shed that is definitely full and I rent a storage unit for what I can’t keep in the shed.

So are you wondering what is so important that I’m paying for a storage unit for well over 5 years? You aren’t alone, for the most part I don’t have any awesome “treasures “, in fact I know some crates are just full of junk.

The others though are Aaron and Derek’s things; clothes, papers, odds and ends. Memories yes, other items I never knew either had until I became their keepers. There are times that I justify holding on to their things by telling myself one day their children may want them. Other days I’m more honest with myself.

These items are the last physical pieces of my oldest 2 sons that I have any control over. I still have grandchildren and that is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, fortunately you can’t put a child on a shelf and say always stay the same, never grow up.

Being sick stinks in more ways than one. My normal routine is to work, eat enough to get through and sleep. I limit conversations and visits with family and friends to work hours with very few exceptions. I tell people it’s because I’m lazy and it becomes a joke. This gets me by until the next interaction, a life I’ve became accustomed to over the years.

I think I may be rambling at this point. The moral is never watch Hoarders when you are sick because damn the guilt just gets overwhelming!

I found this picture in a box today. It was mixed in with quite a few other pictures. This one though tore at my heart.

I remember these days , the days I thought I wouldn’t survive being a single Momma of these 3 rambunctious boys.

Waking up trying to function while I was spiraling in the midst of depression. Never knowing if I was doing right by them.

Worrying about do we have enough; enough food, enough money for clothes. Second hand stores and pawn shops. Laundry in the bathtub and five dollars in the gas tank.

We made it through those days with a little yelling, a bunch of crying and a lot of love. We were one unit made of 4 bodies. They were mine and I was theirs.

What happened to the time, it feels like yesterday not 25 plus years. I look at this picture and I fall in love even more now then I did on that day.

These beautiful babies that God gave me, I thought I would have them for the rest of my life. How I wish I could go back to that day and hug them all a little longer , laugh a little more and remind them of how much their lives mean to me.

I woke up today from a really weird dream of course that in itself is nothing unusual.

All through the day, I had one question keep popping in my mind. Can you live with it?

I kept trying to remember exactly what it was asking of me. I thought about the obvious which is can you live with 2 of your children gone. The unfortunate answer has came to be yes, not that I want to, it’s that I have to because I can’t change their fate.

I found numerous items that this could be referring to.

Can I live with the fact that I let someone back in my life who is only around for selfish reasons and none of those reasons actually involve me. The answer is no.

Can I live with the fact that I’ve let my emotional, mental, and physical health go because I hate feeling like I am a burden. The answer is no.

Can I live with the fact that even when I’m compartmentalizing every aspect of myself to function through the day I am still not even close to happy? The answer is no.

The difference is knowing the answers and knowing my truth, but how do I start again? How do you move on to a place you’re not even sure there is? Where do you go when fears, anxiety and depression follow?