I am miserable, undecided, confused. I don’t know which word to describe how I feel right now. I am about to make a life changing decision, and I don’t know which is which.

In this time of pandemic, a job is an essential thing one must have in order have to gain money to provide the needs of the most important in the world, our family. It’s been a month or two that I am battling with myself whether I give it up or hold on to it.

I need a job, I need financial security, I need to pay our debts,loans, and bills, but my children also needs me. Yes, my husband has a job but I know his salary will not be enough to cater all our needs financially.

My physical presence is needed at home especially my two year old son, whom I have notice had been experiencing a speech delay. I feel guilty every time I can see him wanted to talk but cannot say the word exactly. Seeing children of my neighbor and friend of my childs age speaks clearly makes me wonder what is wrong with my son. I have asked our pediatrician she believes it’s because of the screening time my son spent on gadget rather than playing or being played, and I am guilty.

Whenever I came home from work, I can hear complains from the Lola who is the watching after my son. His Lola is 60 years old, but unlike any other 60 years old grandma she is not physically fit, she complains about body pain, leg, pain hands pain and more. I believe she was just informally telling me that she is no longer capable of watching after my son. I can sense it I am not that insensitive.

To get a babysitter or a yata would be an option, but that would mean my entire remaining salary will be paid for a Yaya. I don’t earn that much, I don’t have a high paying job and it really sucks to know the truth about it.

Because of many uncertain circumstances i handed my resignation a month ago. I thought I am going to be okay with it, but I am having doubts now that I am nearing my last day of work. My colleague has been telling me that a child will just grow up soon you will need a job, “Sayang”. I am totally confused.

Sometimes, I know what should be done, but sometime I though it should be the other way.

To hear some comforting words from my partner, or assurance that he will find ways would be best but I don’t get it. Maybe he knows he will not be able to provide financial security, he wants me quit my job to focus on my child, but I know it will be very difficult for us financially. He doesn’t earn that much, we are just a regular employee earning basic salary, and the world right now is turning upside down. Expenses rising, payables increasing, salary remains the same. This is very difficult for me.

I must take a risk, and I don’t know which is which. This is a delima I experienced 10 years ago, though it’s quite different, I don’t have a job then and I wanted to get one, but now I have a job and I don’t know if I should quit or hold on to it.

I need to come up to a final decision, then maybe I’ll sing Que Sera Sera.

#newgeneration #youth

“What is the role of the youth in the society?”, a friend asked in a text in the middle of my working hour and i ponder for a while about it.

The youth are essential to the society in terms of future success. They are the backbone and successor of the good ideals implemented in the society todays.. If they are law abiding citizen who posseses a well being and courageous behavior, the future for the community is not bad to imagine.

To the youth…Realize your importance  and visualize your goals according to the norms and ideals of the community for the benefit of your future. Whatever you plant today well be harvested accordingly..your are all gardeners in the beautiful haven God has provided to humanity.
Thank you for that wonderful question friend.

#mothers #daughters #family #love

She is too stubborn and I’m losing my patience. It’s very difficult, it’s very exhausting but I can’t complain I am her mother, and I need to be one. I love her so much that I am afraid she will grow with a very unpleasant attitude, but what I fear seems to be happening. For as long as I keep on reprimanding her it turns out she’s just getting worst. A very hard headed child, who wants to be followed all the time, I believe some mothers has same situation with mine. As what other would say she just got her mother’s attitude, I will agree with that for I am stubborn myself. I know she is just a child who needs constant understanding because she is just learning which is which and what is what. Exhausting as it seems but I entered this new phase of my life with open heart and mind, and I prepared myself for the possibilities of more chaos and laughter when growing a child. I know I am ready and I can do it.

I just need to calm when I am getting there in the peak of losing my patience for I know I could only hurt her, physically and emotionally. O dear God, please shower me with calmness, understanding, love and more patience because I love my daughter and I want to be a perfect mother she will ever have, I would want to hear any time in the future that she will say, “I am bless to have her as my mother”.

#money #ideas #ponder

Why do we need money? Of course it’s essential to let us purchase things we need and want. Money as they say keeps the world go round for some, for most unfortunate it’s the thing in the world they can’t easily have. For me it’s what I expect my partner will give every 15^th and 30^th day of the month. Yes his salary, for I don’t have my own, I’m just a plane mother who stays at home and watch over our kid.

Once I get the check I’ll have to sum up the payables and the expenses, doing such accounting is quite easy but learning how much you have to pay and how much left for you to spend for your necessities cause so much headaches. He is just a minimum wage earner but we need more than just the minimum. I have to work that’s  what my mind say, but I can’t leave my kid to just anyone else it will be a disaster she’s too stubborn and I am afraid no one can appease to her demands without getting irritated. Others probably thought I am being unreasonable, but that’s the truth I can’t leave her to her lola she can’t stand with her even for 15 minutes, she gets frustrated, tired and you’ll hear series of unsolicited complains. I can’t leave her to her Mamita, as much as she loves her so much but she also got work. I can’t trust a Yaya, I am afraid of the so many news regarding child abuses cause by yayas, I can’t let any hurt her or cause too much pain to her I could kill if that happens. But we need money, what can I do?

I was given an option to have an online job, but it will cost an amount of money to start. Then it comes again, how I will get a work when you need money to get a job. The cycle just keeps on going, where can I go? The so called Bombay is not an option for me to take, because I know if I do ill end just paying the interest all my life. I can’t ask a friend to lend me some money, I’m afraid they know I will have a hard time paying. Oh too much to think, too much burden to my already burdened life. Oh money why do I have to deal with you?

Why do i have to suffer pain and anger? To be with you means a lot of sacrifices, means a lot of patience, and i am starting to feel exhausted with what has always been happening. I know that i should not blame you, but i cant help it. The only thing that i want right now is to be away, to find peace and tranquility, so i can think and realize what is going on.

 

  Everynow and then i have to control my feelings, so that i wont create a scene, i wont hurt anyone emotionally atleast.  And i am having a hard time with this, i have to go out get a fresh air and keep on telling myself to calm down.  I dont want to change just to pleased somebody else, because if change and turn to someone they would want me to be it would no longer be me. I am old enough to know who i am, to know what i want, and do what i am used to do. Why cant they just be thankful if i cook an ordinary viand instead of mocking me and telling me that they got hungry because they cant eat what i cooked just because they dont eat, they didnt even give it a try before complaining. I got insulted, but i keep my calm, i keep patience, but deep inside i am angry.

 

I cannot keep a conversation with them without getting questioned of opinion, and making me feel i am wrong and they are right. Why cant they just respect it. And you dont shout at me or throw me your paycheck right after i asked why your late for dinner because i get insulted, and its making me angry but i have to hold on.

I dont want to wait for the time that i burst out and shout that its enough and i am angry, at least i want a peaceful exit to this problems.

And you i know that deep inside you would want us to move out, but we still cant, because we cannot afford it. Financially we are not okay, but i hope emotionally we are. I am ready for any difficulty as long as we are still together and we are still holding to each others strengths and love.

I hope we can make it and last till our hair turns gray.