Friday, December 22, 2006

Sunday, December 17, 2006

the Big Brave Hunter

Sometimes when you're looking for images of animals you stumble across across some of those hunting sites with pictures of dead animals and gormless hunters standing with pride over their kills. Can I say gormless again? These people are truly gormless how can you take any sense of achievement in killing an animal, even an elephant which is pretty big and an intimidating animal, with a high powered rifle. What danger were you in? Where's the sense of achievement? These people are the scum of the earth. Yes I eat meat, I love it but why take pleasure in killing animals. I'm not against hunting i just think it should be done on equal terms. You want a tiger, here's a knife, you go get it. Oh not intetrested in hunting now, why's that? no big land rover, no high powered rifle?

I commend these pathetic, cowardly sleaze-balls to you. be warned there are a lot of dead animals here but these "hunters" are truly pathetic. In particular the gormless fuckwit with the leopard, the bespectacled warrior with the tiny gazelle and the buffoons with the lion, that took more than one shot, how skilled are you? In fact give me a rifle, right you little shits you've got 10 minutes and then i'm coming after you.

Nice Team

Mr Pipe rather than Cover Her Arse



Remember those days when you used to get paid weekly and you shuffled up to the window of the wages department and have a brown envelope thrust into your hand by a gent in a green tank top, a bristling grey moustache, smoking a pipe and the charm of an East German border guard. and then the window would slam shut. You never saw inside the office and never spoke to these guys, maybe there was a lady who seemed to make tea in the office, but you never saw these people outside the wages dept. They always maintained their jesuitical distance.



Then around about the 80s, maybe, the name changed to Personnel. The gruff men disapeared slowly, pensioned off to their allotments or caravan sites, doing things with their whippets and brassicas. The new people of personnel were ernest women carrying tick lists of requirements, needs and functions. They didn't deal with wages, just oversaw contracts, arranged interviews and such like. The smoky fort knox office became the open door office with a plant.

Then in the thrusting 90s it transmutated into Human Resources and disapeared up into its own fundament. So concerned with Resources that they barely have time to deal with people in the company. At least you knew where you stood with Mr Pipe in the Wages Dept, he didn't give a fuck about you and let you know it. Human Resources don't either but as in all the 00s they lie about it. they are there, those nice women, with barely a pipe amongst them to cover the the company's arse. Remember resources are mined, quarried until they're exhausted and everything that was useful is spent and ends up on the slag heap. Why do companies do appraisals? Most of it is lip service to developing people and a means of controlling the work force; all shit and piss. Just give me Mr Pipe, the window and the total lack of interest.

Bye Bye to the Chinese River Dolphin


The Chinese River Dolphin has been declared functionally extinct. An exhibition has found no evidence of it in the Yangtsze River.

And on a smaller note we killed Billy the Whale. Directly and indirectly. It appears she was riddled with lethal chemicals, stunned by sonar booms and eventually when she was lifted out of the river she couldn't support her body weight and died.

thanks to wikipedia for the pic

Mea Culpa II

An insight into Honest Tone's spinning of the news. Though I think stopping the SFO is bigger than Tone's chat, though Tone's chat may lead to bigger things.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Mea Culpa




















I'm sorry but Blair wrongfooted me totally. Even I did not expect him to try and bury his mendacious, cynical meddling in justice in blocking the SFO BAE investigation. Words actually fail me, which is crap for a journalist but there you are.

BAE is effectively above justice, so what hope for the cash for peerages investigation?

But the upside is that you can judge the effectiveness of your paper of choice. This is the order of stories in terms of their newsworthyness

SFO being stamped on
Honest Tone having a chat with the yard
Ipswich murders
The Diana crash enquiry
the rest

So Guardian, well done, the creep of the class, a worthy effort by the Torygraph, solid dependable to not hitting the right target, maybe that was too close to home? Nobody leading on the Ipswich murders but the drongoes go for Diana, blah blah inquest. Do you think that the Times and The Sun are trying to hide something? You can't blame the Express they've been banging on about Diana for ages, any guesses as to why? The Star, the raging chav of papers is keen on something spicy with a nod to Royal Spice. The Scotsman is obsessed with flooding, Scottish flooding I may say. While the left fielder, eccentric of the class the Indie has another cover up, fair play to them.



Thursday, December 14, 2006

Great Question and an Attempt to Bury News


As Tony Blair steps out of the Number 10 door after his chat with the Plod, a journo shouts out

"Were you sweating Mr Blair?"

A fine example of using the question as a weapon.

As we can indeed conclude that from the Stevens enquiry there was no conspiracy in the murder of Princess Di.

Was it a coincidence that Honest Tone was interviewed today when the Stevens enquiry would be giving their findings on Lady Di and maybe later in the day Al Fayed would lose it entirely at his press conference? He did a bit, having a go at the Royal Family and MI6, but, and I hate to say this, he had more the air of a broken man grieving for his son than the shouting angry man he has been.

But NuLabor can't give up its habit of trying to massage the news and burying bits it doesn't like. I think the PM's office has been toing and froing with the police about when they could interview Honest Tone and NuLabor chose today. After his interview Tone jumped into the Daimler ignoring all the questions from the reptiles. Now he's in Brussels, using the back entrance, fnaaar fnaaaar, to avoid yet more reptiles and in a few days he's off on another PM trip trying to look like an incorruptible world leader righting wrongs and bashing evil-doers, leaving a slimy trail with a rancorous stench of smarm, lies and corruption.

What Rhymes with Ipswich?

What we need with the Ipswich Murders is a good nickname. We've had the Yorkshire Ripper, the Hillside Strangler, Son of Sam, all handy monickers but like the Suffolk police we're scrambling around without a clue and with not much indication of a solution. The local press came up with the Suffolk Strangler. It's not that exciting and the Strangler bit has been overdone and maybe it's a little inaccurate. He, it's probably a he, may be a compresser, I'm not sure what the difference is between compressing and strangling and it was apparent this morning that neither are the police. That nice man heading up the investigation is likely to disappear over the next week and be replaced by somebody a bit harder and grunts a lot more. The Ipswich Compresser as a nick name doesn't exactly trip off the tongue and I'm finding it very difficult to find anything to rhyme with Ipswich; witch, bitch or maybe sonofabitch?

Slow News Day in Richmond

Abandoned bicycle tire finally removed from rack

Yes a bicycle tire has been removed after a year, though the bike lock is still there. Yes OK it's been a slow news day here for the last few days. Fascinating though the Ipswich murders are there's very little angle for levity. Though, I noticed this morning that Martin Brunt's blog seems to have been pulled off Skynews' site as a few posts complained amount him being a little light hearted about the reporting side of the murders. He had a fair point and it's best that those sensitive souls who complained don't dwell on what the journalists may be saying as they hang around waiting for the next bit of news. Though Martin Brunt has a point that the police are talking to the press a lot which means that they don't have much of a clue about what to do next.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Blair's Bushtastic Quote

"We must make sure the mission doesn't desucceed."

At the Bush Blair Iraq love in in Washington

Keep it Basic on SKYNews

As a SKYNews listener what would you want?

What could you see?

I couldn't see anything, it was too dark and err err um and yes it was windy

or

All the tiles and bits were moving in a Brownian Motion

You may have to look it up in the second but it is a precise description of what must have been happening, but Sky prefers, maybe a lot of journalists prefer, inarticulate witnesses or possibly witnesses with a screaming baby on the hip. They've been running those interviews all afternoon but not the Browning quote. Also there was another guy calling it Armageddon, it quite patently wasn't Armageddon as I don't see the forces of Good and Evil going to Kensal Rise to slug it out, Streatham yes but not Kensal Rise. If it were Armageddon we'd have problems and property values would be suffering what with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse moving into the street, good for the roses though.

This is a good example of disaster journalism, keep running the dazed quotes and the teddy bear in the wreckage.

The Deep Deep Soul of the Blog

Tornado hits Kensal Rise

"Imagine my shock when I hear on the radio that a tornado has hit Kensal Rise, damaging a number of buildings. Luckily it wasn't our house but it was just down the road."

Check out the blog for its deep, searing take on life London.






Housing: Kensal Rise Ripe for Development

England Selection Explained

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Dutch Courage


The Dutch Peace Keeping Cross awarded for service above and beyond the call of duty in allowing 8000 people to be massacred.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Chalk Up Another Blair

A soldier's letter from the Guardian

Summer 2006: an injured soldier dictates a note to his wife, knowing he is not going to survive.

To my most beautiful *******

I am sorry to say that I must break my promise and not come back to you. Jaz is writing this for me and he will hand it to you in person. We have only been married such a short time compared to most and I know you and the kids will miss me but please remember what I said about death. I will always be there with you, always looking after you and smiling at you always.

Tell the kids to look after you and each other and to be brave and that daddy loves them so very much and a HUGE kiss for them both.

To you my sweet lady I thank you for each moment we had together, the laughter we had and the love we have always shared. Remember me but don't mourn me, celebrate what we had. Got to go, I'll be in the mountains where I belong.

Your man Billy

Barrow Boom Time

Friday, December 01, 2006

What Day is it?

Hold on a mo The Daily Express - The World's Greatest Newspaper, is banging on about The Diana Cover Up and it's not Monday, the world's turned upside down.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

BA's New Tailfin

London Sunset

"Now Bond, Em tells me 'as 'ow you don't seem to 'ave a clue as to what the fuck is going on. Is that right or am I barking up the wrong proverbial?"

"Well that may be ....."

"Don't give me the runaround we need to work togevver and that's about the sum of it isn't it?

"OK" Bond said almost sulkily. He detested Palmer with his barrow boy manner and exquisite suits but give him his due he made the best martini, he'd dissuaded Bond from having his martini stirred, as he usually did, but to have it shaken. Bond could seee the man might have his uses as he luxurated in the martini in the early morning light.

"Now Bond I think we need to get these planes sorted out, what the bollocks was going on there, free with radiation on 'em and we're standing ere with our cock in our hands, clueless."

"Absolutely, but I think I may have a lead with one of the hostesses that I knew a while ago."

"Bond you don't arf put it around, what's 'er name."

"Truffles."

"Truffles? You're having a right giraffe aren't you?

"No I'm not." starting to resent his cockney needling. "Her name is a bit of a handle and too much really; Bathsheba Glenduggan Trahear-Harvey. Truffles pretty much sums her up; can be difficult to find, expensive and men fight over her."

"What and she attracts flies. She's got more names than me family. I wouldn't mind getting astride her and giving her a bit of gallop over the downs."

Bond resented Palmer's interest. Though he discarded women as other men discard a used betting slip, forgetting his brief moment of excitement and the dashed hopes and dreams. Bond was beginning to bridle and began sizing Palmer up. Palmer was lighter but looked pantherishly quick. How would his skills acquired at his dojo fight out aginst Palmer's street fighting from the Bethnal Green back streets?

Palmer with a fighter's instinct picked up on the gleam in Bond's ice-blue eyes and noticed how he balanced his weight as he stood up from the table, casually leaving his martini glass at arm's reach, should it be needed. Palmer realised he only had his whisk at hand, best improvise. he began trying to put distance between himself and Bond.

Bond moved forward in the tango of combat.

The door crashed open and M stormed in with enough force to blow away all the testerone in both the men.

"Stop it now you two fighting cocks. If you can't keep yourself in hand then I'll have to do it. You two will be out in the field. We have a heck of a mess to clear up. They've found traces on a number of aircraft and we've just heard that a Russian politician has been poisioned in Ireland."

"Are you sure that it wasn't something that disagreed with him that he ate?" Bond quipped.

"That'll be funny when you get it right," smirked Palmer.

"It's definately not a dicky oyster or too much Guiness as it bears all the hallmarks of a ledgermain, to throw us off the scent." Said a small, professorial man, blinking behind his owlish spectacles."

"Gentlemen, let me introduce George Smiley."

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Alistair Campbell Paragon of the Media


Alistair Campbell says us bloggers should regulate, control ourselves and not act like naughty girls and boys. Send him to Adelaide they need world class spin there.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Reido About Turns

London Sunset

Bond hadn't had a lashing like this since he'd had a tryste with Le Chiffre whipping his testicles with a carpet beater. Still not as bad as getting buggered by Farley-Witless of the Latin VI in the back of the Pavilion during house matches.

"Bond you're starting to lose it. You've barely made an impact on this mission. There's more radiation showing up in London than on a Lake District fell, people are getting tested left, right and centre, John Reid is sooner or later not going to be able to come up with another witless reassurance and soon the reptiles of the press are going to be asking why there are more meetings of Cobra than the Delhi chapter of snake charmers. What the fuck is going on? If you don't get your tuxedoed ass into gear I'm putting Palmer on it. He may be insufferably working class, but he has better suits than you and gets the job done and can crack eggs one-handed. Now get out of here and get something done!"

M relaxed, she always liked to see Bond leave, his arse still had it even if he didn't.

Religious Unanimity

Tarra Pop Picker, Not Arf



Melbourne 1927

Twickenham 2006

Great voice, great style

Here's Fluff rounding up the chart

Pope's Plane Stolen

Monday, November 27, 2006

Grunt

So they say Women use 20,000 words a day and men use 7,000 and what's your point?

The Grauniad wired up two of its journalists, hardly representative really; he doesn't seem to say anything about norks or even ask "If you could take anybody living, dead or undead to the ashes who would you take?" or the "Top five totty in the office?" And she hardly ever mentions shoes or her fat arse. The totals come out about the same, as you'd expect from journalists but my hunch is that that bestselling book is nearer the mark. Grunt.

Operation Cack-Handed

The new operation in Iraq is called Operation Sinbad. OK.

Sperm Is A Sub's Dream

Sometimes after wading through acres of rebarbative, redundant, alliterative dross a sub-editor is given a story on which they can work their own little brand of magic and obsession with getting unsuitable images and suggestions into print. The Times story about Danish sperm donations swims into view as one today,

I'll just quote

The Vikings are coming

As sperm donations slow to a trickle, Denmark has become the sperm powerhouse of Europe
In the same way that some nations have oil fields or bread mountains, Denmark boasts an ever-growing sperm lake.
Fertilitetsklinikken Trianglen, north of Copenhagen, is one of these. In the hallway there is a chandelier of sperm-shaped bulbs;
“This place used to be filled with Siemens,” he says. What? “Siemens, the electronic company, had its offices here.”
Followed by a flood of sperm allusions
If you click on the drawing and you see a sperm you're pregnant


Sunday, November 26, 2006

Listen to this You Authoritarian Bastards




I don't really have to say anything do I? isn't it so evidently over the top, an unwarranted intrusion into our rights and freedoms. CCTV has had a very limited success so how is listening to us in the streets going to help.

Cue Reido, wheel him out there. " Blah very necessary, safeguards in abundance, riding tide of terror and criminality, Blah Blah, i'm not here to provoke more fear (be scared, be very scared).


Next they'll be barcoding us; oh they are, of course.

Am I surprised that the UK is regarded as an endemic surveillance society (November 25 06) and ranked 33 out of 36, that's 1 place above Singapore and Russia and two above Malaysia and China. We're in good company then.

Ahab Ahoy


Whosoever of ye that raises me the white-headed whale with a wrinkled shirt and a crooked helmet; whosoever of ye raises me that white-headed whale of English cricket, with the bequiffed Pieterson, the twitchy Harmison and the King of Spain--look ye, whosoever of ye raises me that same white whale, he shall have this 24 pack of Foster's, my boys!

"Huzza! huzza!" cried the cricketers, as with swinging boxes they hailed the act of putting the tinnies in the cooler.

"It's a white whale, I say," resumed Ponting, as he threw down his pads: "a white whale.
Skin your eyes for him, men; look sharp for white water; if ye see but a bubble, sing out."

All this while Gilcristego, Warnoo, and Queelee had looked on with even more intense interest and surprise than the rest, and at the mention of the wrinkled shirt and crooked helmet they had started as if each was separately touched by some specific recollection.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Depths of the Web



An occasional series that plumbs the depths of the Web and prompts the question why?

Ponting Fails



Ponting fails as a captain and as a human being. His hubristic decision to bat again will meet its nemesis. It's typical of his pouting inferiority that he seeks to grind England into the dust of the Gabba. Why is he so scared? Why is he so unsure of himself and his bunch of cricketers that he thinks he needs at least 500 runs to protect himself from England. This man is so scared and unsure of himself that he has begun to behave like some sort of cricketing Darth Vader, "This has been a great day for the Empire," wheeze, cough, splutter and pout at anybody who might threaten you. A good leader doesn't inspire resistance in his opposition, if he had enforced the follow on and probably bowled out England then it would have been job done, but his bullying tactics will inspire a greater resistance from England and this match will end up drawn and the Runting will sit there with egg on his face pouting like a spoilt four year old.

Friday, November 24, 2006

London Sunset

Bond looked into the cold, calculating eyes of M and he felt a shock as he saw something he had never seen in the eyes of M before: fear. He was perturbed but he mastered himself and settled back into the deep luxuriant leather of the chair, waiting for M to unfold the next chapter in his life.

"Bond this is urgent, you may not have known as you were out on that mission in Australia but we've had some developments here in London that we're quite worried about..."

Bond's mind slipped away for a couple of seconds to the land of awful lager and national obsession with "Barbies" and badly cooked meat. That chef at one barbie had ruined his chateaubriand, but one swift chop to his throat had underlined the error of his mistake. Bond looked forward to his work unfolding over the next few weeks as the Australian cricket team subsided into a well-organized barmaid pestering, kangaroo tampering malstrom of press speculation. if that didn't secure the Ashes then he'd have to go back and break that fat blond man's wrists and maybe put a bullet from his PPK through the forehead of that awful strutting dwarf.

"Bond." M's voice cut through Bond's revery like a laser.

"Yes M, I'm listening."

"We have a problem, an ex KGB operative has just died in hospital, the press thinks he was poisoned, they had an idea it was Thallium, we fed them that one but now it's got out that Polonium 210 was involved. At the moment they're considering it was used as a poison. We're sitting on the brighter of these reptiles, the ones that have made the connection...

"That Polonium 210 can be used as a trigger for a nuclear device, " Bond snapped out, remembering his time in Iran looking for the Polonium labs.

"Precisely Bond. What we have here is not someone who was poisoned by the FSB, a bunch of bungling, vodka swilling amateurs.."

"That's right not a patch on the KGB, remember dear sweet Rosa, M. Such a shame I had to kill her, such a terrible taste in shoes though."

"Bond, can I pull you away from your erotic revery, I know she was your favourite lover.."

"How do you know that M?"

"Never mind Bond, we were a little worried once that you might defect. But let's get back to the matter in hand."

"We have someone who has died of radiation poisoning in London. Radiation from a known nuclear device trigger. A restaurant where he ate, an hotel and his house are glowing. He died because he was in contact with for however a brief a time the trigger device of a bomb. We don't know who he was helping to build it, if that were the case, he may have stumbled onto it, we don't know. But give him his due he kept schtum right to the end, except for a couple of his emigre friends. we have most of them. Though one did surface at a press conference this afternoon but he was raving too much and everyone thought he was mad. We have him under lock and key at Medway. You also know Cobra has met, about the bomb not the death, and is understandably concerned, we don't want to evacuate London but if you don't come up with the goods in 72 hours, we're going to have to. God help us but our offices are in Cardiff. So if you can expedite this..."

"Absolutely M." He felt a tightening in his groin as he anticipated the climax of the assignment.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Alright Luv What About the VAT


"As Tessa steps into the ring, she looks a little nervous, obviously expecting a lot of heavy punishment."

Round One!

thanks to Beau Bo D'Or

Book Choice

Monday, November 20, 2006

Friday, November 17, 2006

The Name's James

Dr No From Russia with Love Goldfinger Thunderball You Only Live Twice On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Diamonds Are Forever Live and Let Die The Man with the Golden Gun The Spy Who Loved Me Moonraker For Your Eyes Only Octopussy A View to a Kill The Living Daylights Licence to Kill Golden Eye Tomorrow Never Dies The World Is Not Enough Die Another Day Casino Royale Bond.

A 23-year-old James Bond fan, David Fearn, of Walsall, has changed his name to the above. He could have just changed it to Oddjob Fearn. You can call me Aragorn Glimmerdawn.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Is That Smoke?

What a C**t



Another tale of newspaper management losing their sense of humour in their constant striving for excellence. The Press Gazette carries the story of two subs at the South China Morning Post sacked for putting together a traditional leaving frontpage. Head Humourless Hack, Mark Clifford, took exception to the use of C**t in a headline and sacked the subs. In a rare moment of unanimity in a newsroom the assorted journos have signed a no-confidence motion in Clifford. Clifford says in an explanatory email that "We must strive for excellence in everything." Well it looks to me to be an excellent leaving front page. And "There is no room here for people who flout journalistic ethics of fairness and accuracy." Well, not knowing Niall Fraser it's difficult to say whether it is accurate and fair or not. However, I have built up a certain idea of what Clifford is.

***********************************
Nice intro and true
"Irreverent [check that] farewell front pages are as much a part of journalistic culture as messy desks [check] and bad pay [check]."
Oh and crap management [check]. I must be a real journo. Hurrah and now off to the pub.

$1.3M to Stop Cyclists

New York City has spent $1.3M in its attempts to stop the Critical Mass cycle rides that take place once a month for about two hours. The mass is a unorganized bunch of cyclists who get together and just ride around. But in the last few years they have been harassed consistently by New York's finest with helicopters, paddy vans, goons on scooters and violent intimidatory policing in an attempt to wipe cyclists off the roads of New York. Go on Mayor Bloomberg keep spending all that money to stop cyclists cycling. On yer bike Bloomberg.

Check out Christopher Hitchens on Bloomberg's New York in his book Love, Poverty and War

Grab these Grannies


These two master criminals are being sough by the British Transport Police, they were seen leaving with high speed zimmer frames, later found burnt out.

The two grey-haired ladies, thought to be in their 70s, are seen on CCTV picking up a bag left on a Metro platform in Sunderland.
They can be seen cackling and rifling through the bag as they shuffle along the station platform and head for the door.
They later handed the bag into police - without the wallet that was inside.

SkyNews Takes Rape Seriously

SkyNews starts an interview about the Police's date rape drug report, titled Sorry Luv it was the Lager, one exchange with the policeman and then to Lisa Longstaff, spokeswoman for Women Against Rape, who is then promptly cut short mid answer as Sky has run out of time. Now that's taking it seriously.

A Pint of Over Extended Metaphor My Good Man


"Cast yourself adrift with this fruity and malty,red brown bittersweet beer. "

"so easy to drink it will fool all but the crustiest of sea dogs."

"a fantastic wheat beer that will hole any passing thirst"


OK, that's full steam ahead with your Fleet of Beers, gedditt. And then there are Concept Beers. A concept too far surely, but here goes...

Full Steam Ahead,

Engine Room, is a doozy,

"Deep below decks lies the heart of the ship, smoothly powering everthing on board. Like the engine room that has power to spare sitting at the heart of this beer, smoorhly (sic) letting the flavours push forwards onto the tongu (sic), sweetness and bitterness aloke (sic) slip from this bright amber beer and leave a delightful bittersweet wake. (sick)"

Check out the site if you're not too queasy already.

Wise Words, Very Wise Words

A question to Dirty Pockets Atherton,

What would you do if you won the toss in Brisbane next week?
Bob Whitter, WorthingMA:

I would look at the pitch, call over Nasser Hussain and ask him what he would do, then do the opposite.

I can still remember sitting in front of my computer, ostensibly working, but watching the cricket and hearing that Nasser had won the toss and decided to bowl. What! and we lost the whole series in the first morning basically.

Bollocks He Talks

"No other religion has started with a belief in in fictional characters."
Christopher Morgan
Religious Expert

Heard on SkyNews in a debate on whether Jedi is a religion (all us Jedi already know it is, you can feel it) .

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

The Bravest of the Brave



I support you totally. Women protesters against sharia law rape cases.The judges are even worse than dilapitated, sexist British judges.

Ashes-to-Ashes

The boys are getting tense. The dull clashing of Foster's cans outside our hotel windows are preventing sleep for most our party except Pieterboy, who muttered something about it reminding him of a storm lashing the roof of his corrugated hut back in Africa. Strange boy but he's pretty ebullient about his ton the other day. I said to him and he laconically replied "What's ebullient?"

The boys don't seem to be taking it too badly that Stresscothick went doolally and had to be sent back to blighty in a straightjacket, ranting about the kangaroos in his box. Surely the prospect of three months in the sun and more totty than you shake your bat at must cheer up a chap.

Monty seems to be keeping his spirits up but seems to have too many posters of shagger Warne on his hotel room walls. I caught him the other day mimicking Warne's appeals in his mirror.

Flinty has taken to watching the sun going down from our team balcony, dodging the occasional Foster's can, empty, and floaters, half-eaten, muttering about the going down of the sun on a golden generation.

Still one has to keep one's spirits up and I've been reinforcing the boxes and thigh pads, maybe i'll start on the helmets tomorrow.

An Uncomfortable Morning



Does Phil look a little distrait, lacking a certain easiness? He's certainly sending out the wrong vibrations.

The Queen has a Nice Muff




"Is that Stoat Maam?"

Japan Threatened by 18 Inch Wave

The world trembled as an 18" wave hit northern Japan. Stay tuned for the next non-news story.

Queen's Speech

My government and I......terrorism and yet more terrorism...not our fault...blah...blah...be scared be very scared...ID cards...loss of liberties....yet more personal freedom taken away....be worried about crime....we're fucking tough on crime...more asbos, superasbos, family asbos...nuclear power, nuclear weapons more we want more....and Tone didn't sell peerages and he didn't lie about the WMDs, so I commend this attempt to be scaremongers and cynical politicking to the house.....right phil we're orf.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Fuckety Fuck Fuck Fuck

Fuck, Trescothick is coming back from Australia, Fuck. What is a stress related illness? But I suppose those smelly Australians might pick up on his illness and be rather uncouth about it. In an exclusive survey to hackery the overwhelming majority, 54% want him to be sent to work down the mines, that's stress you whinger. While a sizable minority, 33%, want him sent to Helmand Province to destress there. And for 21% of the poll want him working as a conductor on the Taunton- Bath bus route. Sounds like he has shell shock; take him round the back of the pavilion and have him shot, damnit.

It's Supervision but not as We Know it Jim

KIRK: Spock can we zoom in more, all I can see are two dots, one seems to be moving up and down a lot.

SPOCK: Affirmative captain one is exhibiting a lot of vertical movement.

BONES: Jim, can't we do something!! Can't we stop this?

SPOCK: Doctor it's beyond our capabilities.

KIRK: Why has one of the dots stopped moving?

Paedophile paranoia reaches new proportions as the government is urged to use Paedo Wars technology.

Junkies Score Win

So that's £750,000 divided by 197 that works out at £3,807.10 each;that's quite a lot of smack.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Be Scared, Very Scared

Radio Five November 9 2006 a risk analyst says yes it really is very dangerous to be in London now. No really it is believe me, there are a lot of bad people out there.

Remember the Queen's Speech is coming up and the government really needs to scare us so we bend over, get shafted and lose what few liberties we have, all so they can protect us, to keep us safe.

"Let me take away your freedoms so I can protect them."

"Can I see them?"

"No, I have to keep them very safe."


The risk analyst continues with the piece of advice that we can all help the government next time there is an act of terrorism by not being surprised. So remember DON'T be surprised. We should make our own terrorism plans as well. Don't ask me.

Also we mustn't fall into the trap of thinking that the government's actions have led to these acts of terrorism and people planning to be terrorists because then we would have fallen prey to the Terrorists subtle Psychological War ploy. So if you think that; you've been gulled by Them, the threats to our freedoms. Those freedoms that are being locked up right now.

The Taleban Have Gone, No Really

"We have removed the Taleban in Afghanistan."

Tone at his November Press Conference

November 6 2006

"These soldiers have experienced 141 fire fights in 4 days."

Channel4 News

November 13 2006

Tone's Legacy

Home Sec goes Cold Turkey


Against a backdrop of protests from Human Rights organizations the Home Secretary is being made to go cold turkey. He is being deprived of the use of any knee-jerk, hard-man, hammer of the wrondoers, bashamuslim solutions. He will be held for 14 days until he is clean and is able to come up coherent policies rather than playing to the gallery.

Dessy Clears the Final Hurdle

Desert Orchid jumps the final hurdle, clearing it with his old style and lands in heaven. Thanks Dessie for the winnings and for the fun. In later life after his jumping days were over he opened a number of Post Offices; must have been difficult tearing out the stamps with those hooves.

NNNNNEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Mike Newell Apologises to Lady Ref

Sorry Luv

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Passing the Time in Sunderland


Sunderland, need I say any more.

Remember




















Photo courtesy of Andrew Dunn

Red poppy, white poppy it doesn't matter really except to remember that if you're standing in a trench with a lot of other chaps and some jolly chap with nice shiny boots, a big moustache and heaps of gold braid comes along and tells you to walk towards the Germans, shoot the fucker in the head and declare a workers republic.

Just Say Yes to Fairtrade















Photo Catherine Giayvia

Secret policemen to sniff out dinner party cocaine takers in the Sunday Times

"In a warning to the estimated 250,000 people who are believed to use the drug as a “recreation” each weekend, Blair said: “People seem to think the price of a wrap of cocaine is 50 quid, but the cost is misery on estates here and a trail of blood back to Colombia. "

Commissioner Plod has a point here. What we need is Fairtrade to start producing cocaine, cannabis and E with maybe a lot of opium thrown in. Then we can all snort away between courses with a guilt free conscience, knowing that our money is going directly to small scale Colombian producers. In fact if we legalized heroin we wouldn't have any problems in Afghanistan, they wouldn't attack us, we'd just have to build roads and stuff, to quote Phil Tuffnell, "Happy Days." The whole operation would demonstrate the trickle-down effect, everybody would get rich and before we know the Taleban's Poppy PLC will be on the FTSE 100 and soon it'll be hitting new highs. It'll just be like the new mega-casinos distributing wealth and well-being to everybody. What's more we would be able to deal in arms guilt free if Fairtrade began to produce its own cluster bombs and Kalashnikovs.

Gasbag




A bag full of gas on Sky News

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Sharia Already

Headline in the Evening No Standards

BLAIR'S
MUSLIM
GUARD
IS
AXED
Sharia law so soon or is Blunkett back in the seat of power?

Friday, October 27, 2006

LDDR

In this new t'interwebbed world I am about to embark on a LDDR, a Long Distance Drinking Relationship, my first such relationship. One of my drinking mates is moving to Sweden. We think we can make it work, we can overcome the distance. We'll be able to send messages over the blackberry,

"It's your round you tight git."

"I'm just finishing, I'll get one in a minute. What do you want? Stella again? You always drink Stella, why don't you have a pint of Kiddy Meddler XXX?"

"Because it looks like shit, now get them in."

"Do you know that bar maid really fancies me."

and we can have TXT DKING

YR RND GIT

I FL SK IM GING T VMT

THT'S BTTR, ATHR ONE?

And then maybe we can get web cams and we can sit at home and watch each other drink and exchange witticisms

I really think we can make this work.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Mad enough for an ASBO

Bravo another mad person criminalized by ASBOs. Almost as mad as the Tourette's syndrome sufferer who got an ASBO or the suicidally inclined woman who was banned from going near bridges and rivers, fantastic, well done.

Streatham Bylaws

In Streatham we're very happy Rufe Kelly is giving Lambeth the right to make up their own bylaws. So we're looking forward to no drive-bys after 9 in the evening and only two shots to be fired in any fast food restaurant.

A Hero for a Day

Trooper Thomas Warr was a hero for a day, maybe a few more, because he took part in the Charge of the Light Brigade. And died in poverty, forgotten by most people, including the great and good, the people who because of their petty jealousies and rivalries precipitated a disaster, glorious to some but a disater all the same. Oh they provided a few troopers at his funeral which probably cheered him up a bit. A useful image for these times though; mad cap ambitions for dubious gains based on fallacies or lies and it's the armed services wot pay for the leaders' hubris. So the boys and girls doing a sterling job overseas at the moment will prbably be forgotten soon. And today's the start of the Poppy Appeal, mmmm the donkeys and lions don't change do they?

Check out Where's My Chinook

The Queen's Back-ache Explained

Morning World Tra La La

"What a fantastic morning, hello world, hello sun, let's sing a song to the beauty of the world."

"Fuck off you git."

See women really are grumpy in the morning. Here's more evidence

But is it really important whether she's happy or grumpy as long as she makes the tea and the bacon sarnie?

Those MPs Office Expenses

MPs expenses up £5M on the year. Damn the rise in the cost of oranges, plastic bags, rope, prostitutes, rent-boys, Brighton hotel charges, buckets of cocaine...

You Can Take the Girl Out of Streatham

But you can't take Streatham out of the girl. I'm thinking a new program, Celebrity Cage, I'm thinking Naomi and Russell Crowe in a cage, I'm thinking Hugh Grant and Keith Allen.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Vigilante Mail

The Birmingham Mail exposes where 2, 000 "sex pests" live, well almost, it's by areas in the West Midlands, and apparently Wolverhampton has the most, 219. What is the point of this story? I suppose basically to stoke fear and paranoia in the general population. They must be casting envious eyes at the US where you can mapsexoffenders. This does what it says on the tin. A recipe for vigilantes everywhere, but at least it would protect paediatricians from being attacked by panicking chavs.

That Naughty FT Sub is Back

German Real Estate Investors Dealt Blow

No Unhealthy Patients Please

A Norfolk Health Authority only wants healthy patients to operate on; they're more cost effective. Next undertakers will be refusing dead people as they're not very nice. But the skinflints and and incompetents in norfolf should bear in mind Southampton.

Monday, October 23, 2006

An Update on the Wembley Score

Another own goal at Wembley. The FA puts in another £35M leaving the score at £792M.

Friday, October 20, 2006

old rope

Lycra Bottoms

A sentence you don't want to hear too often,

"CYCLISTS of all ages and levels of ability have a chance to unleash their lycra,"

oooooooooh yuck, i hate lycra bottoms flashing past me, they really are very rarely worth it, but this ride sounds very organized in Sydney

too organized, buying tickets to go on a ride??

it's a shame the new cyclists in london are just buying all the things they're told to buy, special jackets, helmets why? face masks? sunglasses, you're having a giraffe, i love seeing cyclists in the early dawn light wearing their sunglasses; is that affectation or what? Silly asses in Silly glasses.

Dress down, get baggy shorts or even your ordinary clothes, ditch the helmet, they invite drivers into the game and make you ride like a wally, sit up properly so you can look around at the view and drift along, flowing through the traffic like the free spirit you are. Forget that manic pedalling that London cyclists do. Only in London would you see a cyclist pedalling manically downhill. Do about 12 miles an hour and you won't go over any bonnets, 15 miles and you will. And forget that crap about red lights, treat them as discretionary for cyclists, the road rules were only introduced because of motor cars travelling too fast and drivers being unable to control themselves. So less of that waiting at red lights when nothing is happening like pretend cars
Pity we can't all ride like these guys. You'll notice no helmets or silly flashy gear, you can wear dresses as well if you want. Fetch me my tutu, I'm off.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Daily Stupid

How insensitive and stupid are the senior executives at the Daily Star? Very by the look of it after they signed off page 6 of the paper today, which was the Daily Fatwa spoof, how droll, with its Burqa Babes, how funny. It was only the journalists chapel which managed to stop the infantile exercise. But I don't think that we should be restrained in our sense of humour in anyway whatsoever, if it can be justified. This cheap exercise can't be. I'll stop now as I'm not used to sitting on my moral high horse and I'm getting giddy.

SkyNEWS Scores At What Cost

First goal at Wemberrrleeeeee!

But before we see the goal at what cost was it?

Stade de France cost roughly EUR285M, that's 190M squid, chuck in inflation maybe £230M

The Millennium Stadium £126M, we won't arse around with inflation for this one

and Wemberleeee £757M, dome-like in its extravagance. I wonder what we're getting for our money?
















Give Peace a Chance


From the brilliant Beau Bo D'Or