happylovethings

Today is our 7 year anniversary, our first date anniversary. I remember it like yesterday, after our first date we were inseparable and have been ever since. This morning I decided to collect and dump out all the bags of medicines, needles and vitamins we have laying around our house. I was looking at all the crap we’ve had over the years of IVFs. I kept a few things (mostly vitamins) and tossed the rest. What I wish I would’ve done earlier was had the guts to open those bags earlier because I had some medication I could’ve donated but everything was expired. Those bags of “stuff” have been like baggage on our relationship. It kind of felt freeing to toss most of it.

On another note, I haven’t been writing because our journey has changed. I would love to be transparent but we’ve chosen to be private and I feel like an imposter at times. I have been keeping up with everyone and If anyone of my TTC sisters wants to know anything about us I am happy to share. Please email me at deveasley@gmail.com

Lots of love to all!
xx

Is that really a saying?! Someone said it too me once so I will use it as my reference point. I went to trade school for fashion so college was never really my thing however, we gave it an old college try this month. I mean gave it our all, we have had this thought that maybe after all the IVFs and all the bs that we weren’t timing my ovulation correctly. Well we couldn’t have missed it this time (tmi) and I once again had those feelings of what if? After all we’ve been through. Could it be? I’ve had all the symptoms, or thought produced symptoms. Nauseous, crampy, severely irritable, extremely tired, hyper sense to smell … all the things I’ve heard though have never been P. So I on a whim I bought a 5 day early pregnancy test. I took it immediately, I sat and I starred at the results… BFN …. I tilted it towards the light …. There’s gotta be a faint line, something … Anything c’mon!! Nothing, clear as day BFN. It’s not like I expected much. I really didn’t. As we casually ate dinner, I let Ry know. His first response was I wasn’t expecting that tonight, I told him I know. Then silence.
On to another topic, it’s this guys 6th bday, he’s been our baby for 6 years and given us the most unconditional love. I have to give him a shout out!

A year ago we were in the midst of our 1st round of IVF. We triggered the night before Mother’s Day and I attended a Mother’s Day brunch with my family, were I will be honest I was an emotional mess (trigger and hormone induced) at one point I remember having to walk out to just breathe. It was all so overwhelming, we were also so naive and so hopeful. And that was just the beginning, the beginning of a year of absolute crazy! I’m not excited about Mother’s Day this year, I’m not super hopeful, I’m now dull about it but trying not to be a downer. We will be visiting rys mom, then my sister and my mom & I am blessed to have the family we do. It’s just another mark to me though, and unfortunately a reminder of our unfortunates. So, I’m going to take it with a grain of salt. I’ve prepared myself to stay off social media and avoid the commercials. I have been reflecting on all of our IVFs and I am still questioning if it was all really necessary. That sounds horrible because it was all a chance but it was all horrible.
After going public on Facebook I have had so many people reach out to me with their journeys and I realize I’ve gained so much strength throughout this process that I can listen without crying, encourage and help when needed. I did have one negative response ironically from a woman who has gone through ivf herself to have her two children, she’s been very closed about her journey which I respect however of all people I was shocked at her response. She essentially reminded us that we were failures (failures in her eyes) and proceeded to say she knew how much I wanted to carry a child, she never addressed the advocacy or encouraged us at all It was an odd response and it has resulted in me knowing I will never share again with her, never the less probably speak to her again.
I also reconnected with a long time friend who just went through her first round of clomid and got her first BFN today, I felt her heartbreak and her uncertainty. And in a positive light a long time girlfriend of mine who found out her FSH and her hubs sperm was not so great a few months ago, found out she was pregnant. It all makes me realize, that anything can happen in this world of infertility.
We have been on a serious break of all things infertility but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t follow me around 70% of the time.
Wishing all my soon to be TTC sisters an awesome Mothers Day!! I will have to sign out this year.

Hello!

What a big week it has been far for us ladies! So much going on with national infertility awareness week! I love the motto this year, you are not alone – and we are not alone! Truth is when I really learned I was not alone was when I found this community of bloggers. The rawness, the openness, the compassion that I have seen through blogging is amazing & honestly I dont know what I would do with out it!

I also shared on FB, which I never have done before. I had contemplated it but always resisted.I did not share my personal story or my blog but I shared how I feel about this week and what it means to me and how I want to spread awareness. And you know, I got a lot of responses – a lot. All positive.  Most importantly, I touched a few people who have been sitting in silence, I received a few very special messages and phone calls. The outreach was kind of amazing and made me know that I made the right choice.

I realize some may think it was a bold move but I feel so passionate about all of us who have to deal with infertility. And If one more person can slightly understand what it is to go through infertility or if I can help one person not feel so scared and alone, then that is all. The awareness must be raised, If I could advocate from the rooftops I would.

Anyhow, another exciting little tid bit, Amateurnester recently wrote a blog post sharing 90+ infertility bloggers …. I noticed a lot of us ladies are on the list…..

You Are Not Alone: 90+ Infertility Bloggers Who Share Their Stories

I really just want to shout out to everyone – great job on your blogs and your writings, sharing your feelings and being supportive of each other! Its crap what we have to deal with but at least we are not alone! xx

Yesterday, Easter, was a hard one for me. It hit me by surprise too. We always have Easter at my moms, I got there early to help. There was a lot to do and my mom lives alone in the big house we all grew up in, I instantly realized how much older she is getting… Not that I didn’t know but it’s really hard for her to do a lot these days. It breaks my heart for her and it shows me how much older I am getting. Everyone started to show up, my ry his parents, my uncle, my godfather and his kids/ spouses. And boom, my godfathers son and his wife announced their pregnant. And of course that is normal, they got married six months ago at their beautiful wedding ,we were there. But all of a sudden I felt like a huge pink elephant. People, family tip toeing around me and starring for a reaction. Most everyone knows on some small level what we’ve been through. My mom asked if I was ok, of course I was ok I gawked back like I was excited and why wouldn’t I be?! Gawd this is harder then I could ever imagine. The truth is of course I am happy for them, they are such a lovely couple. It’s just all a reminder that we got married almost three years ago and we have struggled since that day. It’s not normal, infertility is horrible. The day went on and at times I felt like I was floating outside my own body watching my loved ones around me, like how is this my reality? Something I want so much to have my cute lil ones running around in the yard with their cousins. And, I am the oldest of all the “kids” so that doesn’t make it any easier…. Clearly my time is running out.
We play this fun egg game where you paint a hard boil egg and you join a bracket with you and your egg. You go against a component hold the egg in your hand and put your elbows together on 3 you tap the other persons egg, always one will crack and one does not. I’ve never done to good at the game but this year I kept advancing in the bracket and at one point I yelled I have the strongest egg … Everyone is laughing it’s a fun time and then I sit down and think of the irony of how sad my own eggs really are and I start connecting everything to my infertility. It’s overwhelming at times, good and bad days.
Spring is here, new fresh starts… I need to remember to keep positive and take this day by day.

I’ve recently realized that Ry and I have clearly been living on our own little island. Over the past year of IVFs and such we have no idea what’s going on with others. I mean we know but we don’t engage, at least not like we did before. I’m sure some of you relate. It feels kind of selfish. I’ve missed baby showers, births, birthdays etc. I know we also haven’t been invited to some things. I don’t think it’s anything we’ve done, I simply think it’s where we are. We are fortunate that everyone in our lives has known what we’ve been through on some level. We have been blessed in the fact that no one has judged. We are lucky that we’ve received nothing but support. I’ve said it before, mostly when I was more positive about our child making, that I would never wish this on our worst enemy however I am now realizing that I need to pull my head out of the depths and start putting back the effort that I lost a while ago.

I haven’t written much recently, mostly because I’ve been traveling for weeks for work. I have been reading and keeping up with everyone.
It’s been hard to write in words what we’ve been going through, although I’ve attempted many times.
We simply are in a place of nowhere land when it comes to having children. I’ve tried to wrap myself around never having children and I can’t, I’ve tried to wrap myself around going through IVF again and I can’t. So for now, we wait I suppose.
We visited Rys parents this weekend. They are the sweetest and they are supportive. They, unlike my mom and uncle, do not know every detail of our journey but they know it’s been hard. My mother in law, like my husband, are the most positive thinking people for the most part. Every time they are faced with challenges they look to the positive and refuse to see the negative, I wish I was more like that.
After a glass of wine, my mother in law decided to show me her silver locket around her neck. I had actually already noticed it and it was beautiful, I assumed it was a Christmas present from her husband, Rys stepfather who essentially is his father. She opened the locket and let me know that she is keeping it open for when she has pictures of her grandchildren to put in it, Ry is an only child. I starred at her, I was speechless and I was about to be emotional uncontrolled. And I stopped. I had to, I couldn’t break, I know she means no malice. I know, in her heart, that she has every good and positive intention of keeping that locket open for her grandchildren and open for us. It’s 100% her way of being positive. It killed me though, in so many ways. I would more then anything like to have children, to make my Ry a father and my mother in law a grandmother and to fill that locket.

I have many trade shows a year and this time of year I travel a lot. I see my clients during these shows and some I’ve known for years and years. Some I’ve grown up with and some know me very well. This show I had two clients ask me when were going to have kids. I was brutally honest, We’ve gone through ivf three times and just have had too many issues. Stunned has been the look on their faces, lots of prayers, lots of sorrys and uncomfortable moments. However, I feel the need to be honest, honest with myself and eventually the questions will stop. Every single person (family included) has asked me if we are going to adopt? And the answer is no, we don’t feel like that is an option for our family. Maybe time may change that but right now it does not feel right. Every one also has a story of a friend of a friends cousin who went through ivf and got pregnant naturally. While I wish that will happen for us, I know the reality is slim. It’s been a rough beginning to this new year and I have no idea what the future holds but for now I am learning to let it all go the best I can.

I woke up this morning, and I instantly thought of our reality and my stomach was sick … I realized it was a new day, I also realized I was grieving. I’ve grieved before, my father. I knew instantly I had to get up, get moving. I recalled my previous night with my Ry and seeing him the worst I ever have, by the time I got home from work he was such a wreck, I couldn’t be. He called his mom, he told her everything … She called me, she said your husband loves you and you need to be together. We couldn’t even talk last night, it was all just too raw.
So we slept, we cuddled, we put our fur baby on the bed. And when I woke I thought “Hey we are Big and Carrie” (Sex and The City) we will be the ones that never have kids. I realize this is an odd thought, but it’s how I can relate it right now.
I know my last post was very negative, I realize that IVF is not this bad for everyone. Once again I will say it just doesn’t work for everyone at some point you have to stop. We reached that point and I suppose we are on that next journey to figure that out. The support from this community, the support from our friends is outrageous. I appreciate it all. Thank you!

Nothing I’ve ever been through can prepare me for where we stand today. This isn’t about how I feel today or how tomorrow will end up. This is about the rest of our lives. Today we got the call our last two embabies died. No reason, just assisted or whatever Dr. A said. Honestly, I think I hung up on him. I couldn’t bear the news. I already knew it too, in my gut… I knew it. That doesn’t make it any easier, it just makes it official. As you may know this would not have been our last two, we would’ve batched for more but since these died on day 6 (or whatever they did that made Dr. A chose not to send them to PGS) they are our last two. The fucked up thing about IVF, is that no one will ever tell you how bad it really is. Mostly the doctors, even myself. I will lie to myself that there is hope, faith, a chance, it only takes one all of that but for some people it just doesn’t work. Simple and true. We have been through too much as human beings, as a couple. We have tried every which way you could imagine, we have ingested every supplement made to man and woman for infertility ….. every one. We have had a failed IUI because I wanted to do an IUI because I didn’t believe we were any where close to IVF, that was a year ago January. We were pushed into IVF and had every test under the sun, moon and stars done. We had IVF #1 and found out during the cycle I had low eggs (AMH) and poor quality (FSH), on top of husband having low counts, motility and morphology. We had a 3 day transfer, BFN. We then had a canceled cycle, changed RE’s. Educated ourselves, went to an infertility acupuncturist for 6 months, took more herbs, changed our diets, tried to eliminate all toxins, drank out of BPA glasses. Hell at one point I think we stuck needles in our eyes (joking). I’ve read every book. We had IVF #2 and had 4 eggs which resulted in 3 blastocyst embabies that all went to PGS, all failed. We have gone through assisted hatching, ICSI, PGS ….. everything you name it. We have made plans over plans over plans and then changed plans and revised plans and altered plans just to have a plan. We made a plan for IVF #3 to hope for more embabies, we prepped for IVF #4 to get more embabies, to batch to get something anything that would pass PGS. We reached out for family donations and asked old patients and women from resolve to help us with medications. We’ve spend upward of $50K on all of this. We have had 8 embabies. And, there is nothing. We have nothing, we have no hope, not one thing to fall on to hold on to or to think that some way this journey may change. My husband told me today we are done, I agree. This is the end of our journey, and still nothing has prepared me to understand how to live a childless life.