So I’ve figured out what I want my new name to be. I have figured out the direction in which I want my writing to head. But before I can start any of that, I need to find a theme for the new blog. This seems to be quite difficult. I know that I want something simple, yet nice. And I want it before I set up anything else, but I’m becoming impatient and I’m wanting to do this…Now!

Patience has really never been something I’m good at. I’m excited at the idea of something new, yet I’m nervous that I won’t know what to write when I get started. I’ve been asking for advice from a few different people so that this really will be something that gives me the feeling of being authentic.

Again, I’m impatient. The next few days are going to be nerve-racking, but I am hoping that by the end of this weekend I have my new blog up and running.

This is where I have come from, but not where I am headed. It will not be long before I have a new place to write that doesn’t make me feel as though I am lying to myself. Today I was asked why it mattered what the name of my blog was. Along with that question was also, if I am just using my blog as a brain dump why not just write a journal. My first reaction was that I liked putting my thoughts out there, but I do also keep a journal. Now I am thinking that maybe my blog should have a purpose.

The problem with this, is that I am not sure what the purpose would be. If I am being honest with myself then my purpose would be to use my blog to help others. I read a few blogs already that are written so well, and they are there to help others. I want my words to mean something, to be there for others to see and to know that they may not be alone. But where do I start?

I need something new. I am no longer the Hateful Bitch. I have changed my ways and I think that it is time that my blog reflect this change. I do not feel as though I am being honest in my writing when I post to this blog. It feels like a cop-out at this point. I miss writing. I miss putting my thoughts out there so that they are no longer clouding my life.

I will continue to post here until I find another name that is more fitting for the changes in my life. I was looking back yesterday on one of the bigger changes I’ve made in my life. I started trying to lose weight last year, like seriously trying. Despite the 10 pounds that I have gained since I got back from vacation, I am still 5 pounds less than I was at the same time in 2010. The best part is that I am still 23 pounds less than I was at the end of 2009 and more than 30 pounds less than when I started recording my weight.

This is an awesome accomplishment and I will be trying to continue losing that last ten pounds this year and keeping it off from now on. I need to remember that the weight didn’t come off overnight and it is going to take a lot of hard work and determination to keep it off in the future. I can do this!

So we’re at the beginning of a new year once again. 2011 wasn’t necessarily bad, but I would have to say that it could have been better. The highlights of the year include so many things. There was the fact that I became close to so many people. Then there was the part where I was able to mark so many things off my bucket list, such as a trip to Europe. 2011 also had its low points, such as just before Christmas my nephew’s house burned to the ground.

So let’s see…where to start to do the recap.  In January, I started back to school. By the end of December I had managed to complete half of my credits towards my Associate’s Degree. I will be working on finishing up this step in my degree process by the end of 2012. I feel as though I’ve really accomplished something this year by completing so many credits in 2011. As I have it figured it should take me less than 5 more years to obtain my Master’s degree. Another accomplishment that I am proud of involving school is that I earned all A’s this first year, and hope to continue this the rest of my college career.

I was able to mark one of the large items off of my bucket list, my trip to Europe. I was fortunate enough to be able to spend two weeks traipsing around Europe with family. Robert and his family were kind enough to take me in for two weeks and show me around. We spent a little more than a week visiting parts of France and Germany that were historic during WWII. The Beaches of Normandy were such an amazing experience, along with seeing the American cemetery. The first headstone that I seen was actually one that held my last name and the military man buried below was from my home state. It was such a crazy thing to see. But the true amazement of the WWII tour was Berlin. I’ve been to a few places in my life that are considered places everyone should see at least once, New York City, Las Vegas, even Paris, France. I love New York City, but even it does not compare to life of Berlin. I felt absolutely alive there. It was the most amazing place to see and learn the history of. I then spent three days touring Italy, enjoying the food and the wine. It was good, but it was not Berlin.

I also spent some time marking a few other things off my list as well. I attended my first ever pro football game in 2011. It was the Miami Dolphins versus the KC Chiefs. The humorous part of this outing was the fact that up until this game, the Dolphins had not won a single game all season. However, they managed to beat the Chiefs quite well.  I attribute this to my awesome good luck for others. The best part of 2011 was the amount of time I managed to spend with my friends. When I chose to go back to school I knew that it would be time-consuming but I do not think that I really thought about how time-consuming.  I think as the year progressed I began really learning how to manage my time. I came to realize the value of my friendships. I began to see that my friends are what truly keep me grounded and make me humble and blessed.

I should document that I did meet someone new in 2011, but it did not last past Thanksgiving. It was fun to have someone to hang out with while all of my friends are coupled up, but it just wasn’t going to work out. That’s okay though. Everything serves a purpose. We move forward from the past, using what we’ve learned to propel into the future. For 2012, I hope to save more than I spend, to manage my time well between school and life outside of school, to strengthen my current friendships and perhaps attain more, and to find the balance that I seek towards obtaining happiness.

So I’m doing many updates in a row since I’m so far behind on everything. I think that even with updates, I’m going to miss something for sure. The highlight to start off my summer was Rockfest. It was kind of a mess starting out. Plans for this event started a month or so before the actual event. I only had one week to purchase tickets at a reduced price. Therefore, I had to find who was going with me. It started with a coworker and her husband. However, plans were already made for them so she couldn’t pull it off. I then went to the couple that went with me last year, and they too couldn’t go with me. At that point, I started thinking of who could go with me. I got to the last night to purchase tickets. I went through my phone three times and was coming back to the same person. I would have asked my niece, but she bailed on me last year so I wasn’t asking her this time to be bailed on again. So, I asked her ex-husband. I had seen him last August and he said that anytime I needed someone to go to a concert with me, call him up. So after some thinking, I called him up. The plan was set.

Of course, we all know that plans change. It would be unnatural if they didn’t. Two weeks before the show, my coworker’s plans changed and she was able to attend the show after all. So we got excited that her and her husband would be going after all. Then they changed again because they didn’t have a sitter. So then another friend was going to go and it was going to be a girls’ weekend plus Matt. However, the husbands didn’t see it that way with him going, so we had to drive separate and another girl was added to the trip.

While we didn’t get to ride down together, we did get to go to the show together and party together all night! I swear that there was this guy there that reminded us all of Alan off The Hangover. It was all fun and games until I came out of the pit and he was waiting for one of us to show up. Then it got really creepy. I ran from him best I could and by the time I made it back to my friends, he had already met up with them. Yes, he was creepy. Luckily, we lost him not long after that.

All in all, the day was great. Fun was had by all and I have the bruises/lack of voice to prove it. Although, unfortunately for so manyothers my voice is gaining strength. So I shall leave you with pictures of the awesomeness that was Rockfest.

So I had one of the best days ever a couple of months ago. I did something that I hadn’t ever done before. I met someone in person that I had met online. I have talked to this person for years prior to meeting. She posted that she was going to be only a few hours away from me and well I figured I had to take the chance to meet her. Of course, this freaked out my brother-in-law a little. He seemed to the Pirate was a middle-aged man who was quite possibly a serial killer. Obviously, that was not the case…

See? Totally not a serial killer. By far, the best decision I ever made was to brave the big city of St. Louis to meet this most awesome person EVER. We spent forever eating shrimp and taking up room in a booth in the bar. I have to admit that we were not successful in taking our own picture that night. Luckily, our server was nice enough to oblige us with taking our picture.

Yay! This was by far the best day EVER! We spent the better part of the evening drinking and eating all kinds of great food. Of course, pictures had to be taken of all the goodness that we devoured. There was bacon wrapped shrimp (which I couldn’t eat more than one!) and bourbon butter donuts.

And then she got all crazy and drank the remaining bourbon butter straight from the cute little dish.

At the end of the evening we were joined by another friend/blogger. It ended up being a great night with girlfriends that I feel are the most beautiful women I know. They are two of the best women I know, both strong and beautiful inside and out. I am lucky enough to call them both my friend.

Thank you ladies for giving me a great day!

So my last post was apparently January 8th. This makes me sad only because usually if I’m not writing here I’m still writing in my journal. Let’s just say there may be three entries in there since January.

What have I been up to you ask. Well January 19th I decided to take the leap and I signed up for online classes. As of tonight, 10 minutes ago, I officially made it through four classes that made up my first semester.

There have been some other things going on as well such as I have lost almost 20 lbs since January and I am almost at my weightloss goal. As of this morning I had less than three pounds to go.

For now I’m going to get some much needed rest and hope to be back to updating for at least the next two weeks until summer semester starts up!

I stole a meme.  I’m not sure when the last time was that I have done something like this but thought why not?

Okay, the rules are as follows (if you are so inclined to join me either on your own blog or in the comments below):

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
I Walk The Line – Chris Daughtry

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga

WHAT IS LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Bad Day – Fuel

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Better Sorry Than Safe – Halestorm

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Bodies – Drowning Pool

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I’ll Be Missing You – Puff Daddy & Faith Evans

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Hitler – Rammstein

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Run This Town – Jay Z, Rihanna, Kanye West

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Poison – Alice Cooper

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Glycerine – Bush

WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING?
I Almost Told You I Loved You – Papa Roach

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I’d Like To – Corrine Bailey Rae

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
Cyclone – Baby Bash

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Strokin’ – Clarence Carter

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
All Summer Long – Kid Rock

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
A Good Run – Trent Tomlinson

So I find it amazing how I can go from having the best Christmas to a week later feeling as though nothing is right and everything is going to fall down around me.  That is how fast my mood can swing and well, it sucks.  This past Monday and Tuesday were horrible days for me.  I felt as though nothing has gone right, nor was it currently, and I was certain that it never would again.  This, only a week after having one of the best Christmas’ I’ve had in a long time.

My mood has done a complete 180 since Wednesday.  In fact, I’ve spent the last two days laughing so hard that my belly ached and I almost cried a few times.  Mostly, it took telling myself that I was the one that controlled my moods, not the other way around.  It also took a few people being extremely patient with me, reminding me that I don’t have to go to that place.  That I’ve worked really hard this last year to be closer to the person that I want to be.  I don’t say it enough, but I truly have some of the most amazing people in my life.   Without them I’m not sure where I would be right now, other than not where I am.

So while I’m on this happy trip that I like to stay on, I’ve decided that I need to contemplate a few things in my life.  First and foremost, my inability to just let things go.  I know that people say it’s hard to do, but it will happen if you just let it.  And there are all sorts of people out there with great advice, but living it is quite difficult.  I’m one of those people who worries about everything.  Before I do just about anything I look at every possible angle to see how the scenario could possibly work out.  No matter what I’ve done in the past to change this, nothing works.  I always end up disappointed, courtesy of myself.

I am fully aware that I can’t control everything in my life.  I’m reminded of that fact every single time something seems to explode in my face that I “tried” to control.  So today I sat down and asked for advice on how to let things go.  There were only a few words of wisdom invoked.  Okay so maybe there were more but it was way too much for my little mind to handle in such a short amount of time.  The thing is, I just have to stop trying to control everything.  It’s going to be like every other habit I have broken.  It’s going to take determination and will power.

Dear Lord, wish me luck!

So 2010 was probably the best year out of the last five, by far.  Let’s recap.

I decided at the beginning of the year that I was going to make damn sure that I lived life to the fullest.  I was going to live in the moments and make the best of every situation that came my way.   I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff, and by God when I hit 30 I was going to love it!  And I think that I succeeded.

January found me in a state of newness.  I decided to quit smoking at the end of 2009 and followed through with that on January 31, 2010 at 7:30 pm.  It has been eleven months and I am still completely smoke free and I can’t say that I remember feeling this good, ever.

February I thought I might lose my mind.  I needed to refocus on who I was and who I wanted to be.  I needed to stick with my decision to make this the best year ever and I was finding that hard to do.

March wasn’t much better than February.  I did pick back up on my exercise routines but I was still completely unfocused in the direction I wanted to go.  I found myself irritated more often than not with people and probably just a bit snappy.

April found me living yet another year with Jason.  And while I miss him like crazy on a daily basis, this particular month put into motion what I had planned at the beginning of the year.  I was going to live my life no matter what, to the absolute best.

May started what is now my routine, for the most part.  I started picking up the pace on the exercise.  I even went as far as to join a weight loss challenge.  I also started getting so busy with everything that I rarely found time for journaling or blogging.  I was living my life instead of writing about it.  I was making good on the promises that I made myself.

June and July are really a blur.  There seemed to be so much going on in my life that I was constantly busy.  At the beginning of July I took up running and found that I really like it.  So much so, that any chance I get to run outdoors, I take!  I really started to take to this whole losing weight thing.

August was the month of all months.  It was the month that I turned 30 and I made sure to make it go out with a bang.  While most of it was pretty low-key, the weekend before my birthday I did it up right and went to my first Disturbed concert.  I am fairly certain when I say that it won’t be my last.  My actual birthday weekend turned out to be pretty tame compared but I couldn’t have asked for anything better.  It was great just hanging out with friends and enjoying the end of summer.

September found me running my first 5K.  It was crazy to think that I had went from just walking in May to running in July to doing my first 5K.  I managed to finish it in under 35 minutes.  To think that I went from smoker to runner in only eight months is crazy, but totally doable.

October was a crazy month for me.  I went to my first ever Nascar weekend, which was pretty awesome.  I helped my nephew celebrate his 21st birthday, that will be forever etched in my mind.  And, I ran my second 5K finishing first in my age group, but not making my goal of 30 minutes and instead hit the line at 30.42 minutes.  I realize it’s close but I have much higher hopes for next spring.

November and December are always crazy busy months.  This year was no exception.  I do my best just to get through the holidays as painless as possible.  I decided to go ahead with another weight loss challenge through the holidays, if for no other reason than to keep my accountable.  It worked really well through both Thanksgiving and Christmas, New Years’ not so much.

All in all, it was a pretty terrific year.  I realize that I still have a lot of things to work on but I’m slowly becoming a better person, inside and out.  I intend to keep going through this crazy life to get where I deserve.  One day in the future when I say I’m truly happy, I’m going to mean every single word.