In November (I think) marks 6 years to when I had the seizures and my life changed. I had it again. That thing I’d been trying to escape from for so many years and yet it still hangs there waiting.

This morning I did another charity drop and before the shop was open I sat and had a coffee. I tried a one-shot-cappicino. I had to cut out caffiene as it thought it bought on seizures but it could even have been anxiety attacks. But whatever it was it wasn’t pleasant. I miss caffiene. It’s what gets me going on a morning. But recently I’ve tried weaker coffee. Admittedly it effects my stomach sometimes but it’s so nice to have caffiene.

Anyway, as I was sat drinking said coffee I saw a man outside a gym doing some sort of dance or meditation. Not sure what, and I felt bad for laughing, but he was giving his all and good on him. As I was sat watching this happen it made me realise how much I’ve missed out on in the last 6 years. I’m not saying tomorrow I’m going to go out and start doing what I’ve missed as it takes so much energy to leave the house it’s just to exhausting. If I do I’m up two hours before I have to go and the anxiety kicks in and I’m buggared.

But I’ve not met with friends for ages. Partly because I find it tricky to leave my local area. Plus I’ve not heard from a lot of them, everyone has they’re own issues and getting in with life. I’ve also fell into that trap of seeing how busy they are from they’re social media posts I’ve left it thinking they’re to busy for a cuppa with me, and that’s my fault.

So what do I do? This morning I felt like I had woken up from a bad dream. I realised I’m never going to get rid of this epilepsy. It’s here for good. It keeps changing and I’ve been told its hard to treat. But the magic of epilsepy is that it’s random. It can happen anytime and sometimes there’s no reason why it happens. So worrying about having a seizure is actually quite pointless. And I think that’s what hit me today. I’ve spent 6 years trying to get my head around, 6 years trying to adapt and I think I need to realise I can’t be who I used to be. I can’t do some things I loved. But I can try do things the best I can and enjoy what I can.

So like today after being out for a couple of hours I’ve sat and watched TV all afternoon while making lists to what I can do for the rest of the week.

Oh and watching the decluttering programme I realised my latest thing with plants is trying to fill a void of not feeling useful. But I wouldn’t swap them for the world. They are actually teaching me something.

Thank you for reading. xxx

I’ve never believed it but there’s never a right time for anything. My younger self thought I’d have a career, a house, a marriage and a job. I waited for the right time I made the wrong choices. But that’s what I thought society wanted and how it should be.

And now I’m dealing with health issues. I realise what I wanted wasn’t what I really wanted But what was expected of me. My depression makes me spend money and when it lifts I see the damage its done and the amount of crap I don’t need.

I wish I could have believed my worth earlier and I wish I hadn’t got myself in this rabbit hole. I do feel like Alice and constantly in a different world. This month has shown me that anxiety is horrible and it truly has taken over me. I hate who it makes me and I hate who I am. But I’m thankful for those around me and that someday I know I can do stuff and others I need to learn to rest. Yesterday I recognised this and I am so proud of myself.

Thank you for reading

Xxx

I can feel this month is going to be a long tough one. Although I ran a 10k on Sunday and so proud of myself, yesterday I started to feel deflated. I realised I had no plans with friends for coffee and hadn’t heard from some in such a long while and I noticed social media had changed. People are viewing but not ‘liking’ so what am I doing wrong or are people not using it like they used to.

Recently I found again that I’ll start talking to people and I hear ‘saw it in Facebook’ and sometime I feel like that’s the end of the conversation. But I want to tell them about what happened how I met some amazing people or that I was so anxious leaving the house I was so proud that I achieved what I did. Even if its just getting to the shops.

I’ve been trying to do something everyday to tackle my anxiety and I was asked yesterday what I was doing Saturday. I couldn’t see past yesterday even though I knew I had family visiting. I had a few jobs to do but I like today was very tired from Sunday and just wanted to get the jobs done.

I think yesterday was tough because I was taking stuff to the charity shop. I have been trying to declutter for a year and I’ve loads of things I don’t use and it just looks like clutter. I think I’m trying to get that show home look but what is also the issue now is I’m loving having plants in the house and I’m running out of space so i feel like I need to make room for them. What is it they say ‘one thing in and one thing out’. Other issue is though is this my new obsession and how do I keep these alive? I’ve lost 3 already but I’m so proud of being able to grow/keep them as years ago they just died.

Anyway I am rambling. I think what I’m trying to say is I want less stuff, more experiences and plants. But I don’t know how to get this new lifestyle. I need to sit down and really plan it out. Like I said February is going to be a long month.

Thank you for reading xxx

Last night taught me a lesson. The world is different outside, it’s back to normal and I’m not ready for it.

With not working I’m not going out into the world as much and avoiding peak times so I don’t often see all the crowds. I still expect social distance but nobody gives you space. Not even on a bus. If someone sits next to you they generally sit on you in my experience, so I either go to the back or upstairs.

I still expect people to give me space but we don’t do that anymore. Queues, coffee shops, buses and theatres. Theatre is the biggest one. Last night I went to a panto and we were all sat close together. People behind me were coughing. It made me cringe. The experience was amazing the panto was a local one and was just incredible. But people just stand in bunches. This kind of scared me a little. But I realise this is the world we are living in and I’m going to have to be less afraid if I want to get back to normal.

This epilepsy/anxiety has me frozen in time. It really has. I go out do my run or food shop and then I don’t see anyone for the rest of the day as I’m scared to go out in case something happens or I fall ill. I didn’t realise how bad it was until last few days and wished I could be the old Helen and just be independant again and do stuff. I need to ask for help more these days and I find that hard.

But something has to give. I have to accept sometimes I can’t do it alone and just need that little bit of support to go and do things and hopefully one day I’ll be back to normal.

I think in the last 5 years I’ve come a long way, but I miss the old Helen. I miss doing stuff on my own, I miss going on trips with friends. But it is what it is.

I am grateful I can run. That I can do on my own. It’s fun with my friend or on my own as there’s always a story to tell.

It’s just when it comes to stepping outside seems to be a problem. Perhaps I need to be a little more braver.

I’m writing this post after seeing the animation ‘the boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse’. Absolutely brilliant. I forgot I had the book. I may read it again this afternoon.

Thank you for reading xxx

I’ve heard this so much lately. It hurts. I don’t work because of my health. Mainly because of my epilepsy and the type it is and the anxiety it brings because that also mimics a seizure. The anxiety I think can be worse. It means sometimes I don’t want to leave the house in case I have a seizure.

I often lie awake at 4am dreading it’s another day but 5 years ago my life changed and I had to fit into a world which doesn’t work whem. Someone has an invisible ‘condition’. ‘you look normal’ people say. But for me it’s not the seizures, it’s the embararresment of having one or the people watching you if you are going to have one. Or it’s the aftermath when you’ve woken up and you don’t know where you are and your body hurts and you have to quickly make sense of the world. Then it can sometimes take days to recover when all you want to do is get back up and go for a run again but you can’t as your head is throbbing and your body just doesn’t work as it should.

So me doing nothing, I’m actually trying to get myself to fit into a normal world. I get myself put for a run when I can. I’ve made a routine of 3 days a week. This not only helps the epilepsy it helps me physically and mentally and gets me out the house and helps my anxiety. Then the rest of the time I’m trying to rest or trying to read, learn new stuff or maintain a house to try keep me motivated.

To be honest just doing all this is exhausting. The tablets don’t help and neither does my lack of appetite or constant stomach problems which I think now is down to side effects of medication. What people don’t realise is what we do everyday takes energy and when we don’t have issues we don’t notice it. When this happened to me it broke me as I couldn’t charge about like I used to I can’t run or walk as fast as I used to. I need days in between to rest. And to be honest I’m not one for sitting still.

So when someone says I don’t do anything all day. It upsets me. Me trying to get out and go for a run is me trying combat my anxiety because I’m amongst people. Me trying to sort the house out is to keep active so maybe one day I can work again. But to be honest I don’t like being round people as I’m scared ‘I’ll drop’ or having a ‘funny do.’ it’s took so much for me to get where I am today that to be honest I think I’ll just stick to going for a run and staying home the rest of the day as it makes life so much easier as I seem to dissapont people these days.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

On 15th November I got a call from my brother to tell me my Dad had passed. Only problem is I replied with ‘brilliant’ I didn’t mean to but it was relief he couldn’t get me anymore. My brother was very upset and didn’t take this well. He hasn’t spoken to me since.

In lockdown I got back in touch with my brother. We’d broke contact because he got angry over something I said over Dad.  I didn’t get in touch with him and told my brother I didn’t want Dad knowing. Although it did get a lot of moaning from my brother about my Dad.

I’m the eldest daughter. But to my Dad I was the second child. The stubborn independant one of his second marriage. I never knew where I fitted as my brother was always on a pedestal and my sister seemed to do OK. I found out later he treated my sister similar to me when I left home but I think she was made of stronger stuff.

The best bit is I left home thinking he would stop all his nonsense but he didn’t. He wasn’t a nice man. No one would belive me when I told them what he was like. He wasn’t physical but would use words or the silent treatment. So things would go great for a while then wham, we’re in a bad period. And always over something stupid. He’d always be in a mood and when asked he’d say ‘I was ill and nobody noticed’ that used to drive me mad. Others would be ill and he wouldn’t help and just sit there and then take himself off to bed in a mood.

So as you see he wasn’t a pleasant man but he was my Dad he had his moments and I don’t know what to feel. I swore I’d never go to his funeral but he robbed us of that as he donated his brain and spinal cord to science and his body to a University. This has cheered me up no end. I’d love to know if the colour of his brain is black. That’s if he has one. Sorry I shouldn’t joke.

Anyway. I’ve been told how to feel and I’m at a loss as I don’t know how I feel. I’m. It sad just relieved he can’t get me anymore unless he haunts me and he’s too lazy for that.

What I will thank him for is that I have connection with his family again. And it’s getting stronger. That he broke for being selfish and greedy.

Thank you for reading

xxx

What a strange two weeks. I’ve practically lived put of a suitcase and had hardly any sleep. My anxiety has been interesting and last night I finally got 13 hours broken sleep in my own bed.

So, about 2 weeks ago I celebrated a family friend’s induction to university as he trains to be a priest. In that time an Uncle passed and I was awaiting news of his funeral. As I prepared to go to it The Queen, God rest her soul, passed away. Everything immediately started cancelling and so much confusion it felt like we were in lockdown again. I even had to ring to check I could get a bus to my Uncle’s funeral as goddess knows that the taxi fayre would be.

It’s been a strange two weeks. The news has been on repeat and most the time the presenters just waffle. Once the Queen was laid in Westminster Hall and people were allowed to file past I found the parliament channel did it 24 hours with no one waffling. I’ve been fascinated by the change of guards. The queuing has also been a subject for many to. Now it’s gone into four lines.

I give credit to these people for doing it but I just don’t have the energy or money to be able to do it so thank goodness for TV and social media. The thought that we will never have another Queen is quite sad. But we’ve known about this for a long time. I think I didn’t think it would happen in my life time and I didn’t realise it would affect things such as food labels, stamps, coins etc. Its going to be interesting to see the change.

So I’m sending all my love to the royal family and wish them all the best for the future. Its hard to lose a loved one at anytime.

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Yesterday I was in my local shop getting some supplies after I found I’d turned my fridge freezer off and not down. Apart from the zombies I was trying to get round quick as possible and was getting annoyed at the prices and how single items were extortante. £1.60 for a ton of ravioli. I didn’t buy it.

As I was going along I was singing to a song, a woman said ‘you’re showing your age’ and then looked up and gasped and then said ‘well I am’ I explained how I grew up with that type of music and that my dad had control of the TV and music and that eventually we were eventually allowed a back and white push button TV but my taste in music was influenced by my aunt and later lads at college. She turned round and said she was 62 and her dad was the same in controlling the telly. If you were sat watching it he’d come in and turn it over. I thought my dad was one of a kind but as she explained hers I realised he wasn’t just 20 years bloody late.

That’s maybe why people say I was born old. Perhaps I was trapped in the wrong generation like me Dad. Who knows.

Anyway, it’s Bank Holiday Monday, I’m exhausted. I could do with a coffee but I’ve no milk and I’ve no energy to go get some so I’ll just keep drinking water and hope for the best.

I’m feeling a bit deflated of late. My medicine is making me feel crap. I’ve just been injected with hormones so my body is reacting and I’m trying to remember that’s why I’m feeling crap and I’m doing the best I can with what I have, but boy do I need that coffee.

Thank you for reading xxx

I had a hearing test today and I was told I was fine and didn’t need hearing aids *phew* that my hearing is ‘right for my age’. I’m getting sick of that saying ‘because of your age’ but I think I never expected to start feeling my age.

I’ve had so many tests this year I’ve lost track. I’ve had problems lately hearing people in crowded areas or if I’m outside and I think it’s to do with my anxiety and that my body is overriding my hearing and going into flight mode and I have to really zone in and listen to people. It’s rather annoying and takes a lot of energy. Talking of energy, I could do with some. The new tablets are wiping me out. But iit is what it is.

So, I’m relieved my hearing is OK. I’ve had a fab week seeing and helping friends and also sorting the garden. It’s looking really good. Apparently playing with soil is good for you. While I waited for my appointment I went in the charity shop and found two books on gardening. It must be a sign. There was talk about doing an allotment. I just wonder if I can have the energy for it as I’ve loved sorting my garden.

That’s something that’s struck me lately is that finally I’m mamanging to keep plants alive and I’m really pleased with it all. I just wish I had an outside tap and ‘wash house’ or utility room where I could clean off the soil. My living room carpet looks a mess. So the weekend will be doing house work.