We all know how the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. What do you even begin to say when you’ve been fooled repeatedly? I didn’t want to get into this stuff right now, I wanted to finish writing about our cross country move before coming back to more personal issues but then something happened today. I received a text message from my brother.

My oldest brother stopped talking to me about four years ago. At the time, I thought he and I had a pretty decent relationship, we would speak on a semi-regular basis, often sharing thoughts on our mother, our upbringing or remembrances of our father. He is a very outgoing, charismatic and well educated. It began around the time my brother had a party to celebrate earning his Master’s Degree. Shortly afterwards was when I noticed he’d started to pull away from me. He used to call me several times a month, usually when he was in the car or bored. He’s the type that goes on and on and won’t let you off the phone until he suddenly hangs up because his wife came home or a friend is calling. I tried my best to accept his quirks much of which I saw as phantoms of our shared childhood experience. He had an immense need for reassurance and ego stroking and I, as his sister was happy to oblige for the most part because I knew how deeply seeded his need was, didn’t I too wish for a mother’s pride and acceptance? He showered extended family with attention and lavish gifts, he knew how to a work a room at any party and often would leave having befriending friends of friends or in-laws of other family members. He once booked a weekend getaway for Disneyland for my other brother, myself and our families, including airfare and hotel stay at The Grand Californian hotel, but then would bring it up almost every conversation for the next several years. I could see that he was still yearning for love and acceptance from everyone else, aching to prove something, to them or to himself.

When he stopped talking to me, at first I was puzzled, I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I had said or done to cause the problem. The last couple of times I had spoken to him there had been obvious distance. I shared with him things that were happening in my life and the lives of my children without hearing any interest or enthusiasm on his part. I couldn’t understand his lack interest in my children when at most family gatherings, my cousin’s children would run excitedly to him in anticipation of his jokes, his playfulness and his frequent gift giving. Whereas he once called my house on my youngest daughter’s birthday without even remembering it was her birthday. The last thing he did was to ask me to have my son stop calling him his Godfather, which he had for several years at that point, he said that it was too confusing for my son since he wasn’t yet baptized, oddly this request came while my son was in classes leading up to his baptism.

So about two years ago I had a long conversation with my brother, it was right after the wedding and he’d heard about it, it started out with a text from him which was so out of the blue that I started shaking when I got it. I couldn’t understand why he was suddenly texting me and wishing me well. Then the sickening realization hit that he had probably heard about the wedding. Sure enough a couple of text messages led to a phone call. He questioned me about the wedding and I was unfaltering in my responses and explanations. I told him that it hadn’t seemed to me like he wanted anything to do with me. He kept trying to tell me I was being paranoid. I brought up how he treated my kids, how I was hearing family news through the grapevine that he normally would be the first to call and tell me, (like that an aunt who was like a second mother to us growing up had a heart attack and was on life support) or how my nephew had told me he gave my brother (his uncle) pictures from his graduation for me but that instead had watched my brother pass them away to other family members. I was so proud of myself for not getting emotional, not crying and for standing my ground and speaking reasonably. Even though he tried to explain things away or deflect, I felt like maybe we had moved toward putting this behind us, shortly after, his wife deleted me as a friend on facebook.

The next day I got a few text pictures from him of family, some of them were even my own pictures, then I got another five pictures, followed by another five the next day, then one day I received some twenty pictures or more one after another. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me. Then radio silence until early last year when one of my cousins on my dad’s side passed away and I ran into him there. Now he joked with the kids, posed for pictures with Kyle, the kids and I and sat with us. Again I thought maybe we were moving forward then when I saw him at my uncle’s funeral the following month, he completely ignored me AND the kids. Still, I went out of my way to bring my children to greet their aunt and uncle. Later in the day my son rounded a corner and said hello to my sister in-law who I watched deliberately ignore and turn abruptly away from him and address my cousin’s children instead. Then two months later my mom’s oldest sister died and again I ran into them, this time, my sister in-law was clearly ignoring me and my brother spoke briefly with me. That day my brothers nearly got into a fist fight in the parking lot after the service, it was awful.

Then I start getting group texts that include both brothers and I,  brother1 starts by saying he is sorry for what happened with brother2 but that he was glad that I got along with brother2 since brother2 hates him. I told him, it was none of my business what happened between them but that I still did not understand why things were so strained between he and I. Another long back and forth ensued, again I wouldn’t allow him to intimidate or make me lose my temper. I was clear, concise and direct without insult or emotion. Every time I leave thinking we’ve made progress, it becomes another stalemate.

I tried to text him once more around Easter, I didn’t want to move away without trying one more time to resolve things, we’re getting too old for this crap. I sent about a paragraph worth of text, I receive a basic “Have a Happy Easter,” in response. I went to visit brother2 before moving, but did not bother with brother1, I am tired of his games and now we begin with the texts again. I got one wishing me a Happy Mother’s day, then one on Father’s Day which included a picture of my dad from high school and finally the one today simply saying, I hope you and your family are well. These random texts feel like mindgames to me.

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with this kind of relationship. I can’t keep feeding his ego, especially when he tells me that I sell him out to our mom all the time and that I’ve never been there for him, which is simply not true. Whatever he has come to believe about me, he never had the decency to ask me about directly and now his story keeps changing about what it was I actually did. I am so tired of questioning myself and asking myself what I should’ve done and could’ve done different. I’m tired of trying to be fair, thoughtful, understanding and loving. I am tired of the fact that he refuses to acknowledge how his words and actions have caused me pain. Every pain that he causes me he claims I have misunderstood then he jumps to the worst possible conclusion of anything I say or do and doesn’t even have the guts to talk it out with me. I have no idea what the deal is with random text messages every few months and I am not even sure he knows. What I do know, is that I can not go back to co-dependent, fix everything me, I have to stand up for myself and ask for more than that.

Peace & Love,

Me