Fortiores in Fide "Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life"- Psalm 23:6

Remember my dotcom?

I am going back on it but in a different domain.

It’s coming soon.

I broke up with Aldwin more than 2 weeks ago.

I told him I need to be on my own for a while and if he is sincere, he can come and visit me when he comes home in November and then we get to know each other more and start things normally.

He respects my decision and wishes me well and hopes to see me soon.

Since then I’m happier. Sincerely I’m happy.

I get back to volunteer works, having my own time, my music lessons and pray, pray pray more often not for God to give to my requests but more on thanking Him for loving me unconditionally.

Surprisingly, I did not know a very wounded person like me can inspire people. Lately, starting a few months ago, I was offered to give talks, or to facilitate, or to give workshops to youth officials of other parishes and then to the elders. I DID NOT INTEND TO MAKE THEM CRY BECAUSE IT WAS NOT PART OF WHAT I HAVE TO GIVE. I DID NOT SHARE TO THEM MY STORY OR ANY MUSHY STORIES but from the very start they could not stop crying because they felt my words rather GOD’S words. Now I am busier with more offers of giving talks and workshops etc and I’m happier.

Life is not that difficult at all if we know first that asking guidance is the basic thing to finding life’s purpose.

I hate myself for thinking of him and sometimes still missing him.

He still makes me cry when I remember him, damn it.

Sometimes when I remember him I force myself to think of Adi because it makes me feel guilty.

I hate myself so much for this DAMN IT.

These days I think about him more intensely again DAMN IT!

It is so strange that lovers from the past appear at present asking for second, third, or nth chances because after all these years they say it was still me.

I could only smile and say to myself, if they see the real face behind this beautiful mask, would they still love me?

Then I grasp, it is only you I want to be in my future.

Last week I released to you my fear that perhaps in the future you will be part of it but when I attempt to lay bare the real me, you may cease to love me and disappear or the stronger fear that you will never be part of any of my future.

Yet I struggled to those fears and courageously liberated everything about me. I was ready for you to quietly exit. I was convinced men never liked drama queens like me.

You were quiet for a week because you felt the world stopped turning for you. Then you declared to me that you will help me heal myself and move on. You assured me that it is not pity at all and never were.

The devil inside me is uttering all the time that someone like me will never be loved by someone like you and I made an effort many times of shoving you away into my life because of the fear that you would vanish when I had fallen strongly for you. Yet you inspire me to hold on a little longer, to trust you whole heartedly and taught me to be patient then we will be together. We still have 4 months to count but the used-to-be-impatient me will wait peacefully. I trust you.

Earlier today, it occurred to me what if we still do not end up together? Panic rushed into me. Would I survive it? Am I being so dependent on you now? I prayed and calmed myself. With or without you in my life, I have to begin to consider myself strong and capable because God loves me.

I just pondered, yes I can live without you but I just do not want to….

You have never heard me say the words yet but I love you even before you vowed to stick to me through everything. It is my love for you that gave me strength to decide to empty myself to you so you would perceive the real me. It is my love for you that gave me the intensity to move on and struggle to create an even recovered soul because I want a future with you.

Despite all these, you never made me feel I need you most of the time. You consent me to trust and depend on myself again and to resolve them because I am stronger and wiser than I thought I was. You never demanded actions because you said you believe I can decide better for myself.

You are never the romantic and sweet guy I have always wanted. You even dislike my childishness and you can sense my pretentions when I try to appear sweet and loving to you. You never had any pang of conscience in revealing me my dreadful personality.  You’d rather hurt me than mislead me. You can read me beyond what I want you to only see and at first it made me hate and fear you. Nevertheless, you made it easier for me to unveil the real me to you and you love me more.

I’ll see you again soon.

By the way, the bus where we first met, never stops in my town specifically at my town’s terminal because it’s NON-STOP. It’s supposed to head straight to Davao City after Tagum’s terminal. Still, on that fateful day, whatever pulled the driver to stop for a while at our town’s bus terminal and picked up a passenger, must be stronger than fate or destiny… because a lost soul found her destination.

Love,

Ami