Heartache

It’s chest breaking to doubt that the best thing that has happened to your life might have been the worst thing that did.

Allah, make me strong. Protect me from unbearable blows to the heart; even if the chest that it is in breaks.

Sins that Walk

97. And say “ O my Lord ! I seek refuge with Thee From the suggestions Of the Evil Ones.

98. “ And I seek refuge with Thee O my Lord ! lest they Should come near me.”

99. (In Falsehood will they be) Until, when death comes To one of them, he says : “ O my Lord ! send me back (To life),—

100. “ In order that I may Work righteousness in the things I neglected.”—“ By no means ! It is but a word he says.”— Before them is a Partition Till the Day they are Raised up.

In one of Yusuf Ali’s footnotes, he elaborates on what he transliterated above into Partition – the actual word is Barzakh; a partition, a bar or barrier; the place or state in which people will be after death and before Judgment. Behind them is the barrier of death, and in front of them is the Barzakh, a partition, a quiescent state until the judgment comes.

Now, many scholars have speculated on what Barzakh actually is; and when you are into metaphysics you could logically deduce it is but like some sort of a higher dimension where things take different forms; in our author’s terms there’s an attribute of dormancy, or quiescence – as in, beings in this world are waiting, which in fact they literally are, for the day of Judgment.

My post is not about Barzakh. It is rather about the curious aspect of matters taking different forms; I have come to entertain a lot of wondering into this specific area; all the more as I read into accounts surrounding the Prophet’s Ascension or in literal Arabic, the Mi’raj – which Yusuf Ali proceeds to introduce:

The Commentators take this Night Journey literally, but allow that there were other occasions on which a spiritual Journey or Vision occurred. Even on the supposition of a miraculous bodily Journey, it is conceded that the body was almost transformed into a spiritual fineness.

I will not paste the entire introduction but I encourage you to spend time there with no regret. There are other many similar accounts where the common defining aspect is usually transformation – where in the mysterious and mystic intertwinement of space and time, and in the exciting unknown of what our minds can only allude to as other dimensions, shape shifts; and just like your physical form could morph into a spiritual fineness, and here comes the interesting part and the subject of my brain wanderings; things that are not of physical nature in our dimension, in this life, would then there transform into shapes with physical feats! So your body there is a spirit, and your doings there are beings.

Read that again: your body there is a spirit, but your doings, deeds, there, are actual physical beings. And it starts the moment you’re buried; you start to see your good and bad deeds, as per the accounts in Hadith literature in Islam. This makes you reflect on the verses I quoted earlier, which center around a human dying, and wishing they could simply switch back to this life to do better, probably because of what they’d seen in Barzakh, the Partition, or that other mystic dimension; they’ve seen how their bad deeds are uncomely physical beings whom they wish to escape.

But Allah is the most Merciful. For some humans who seek unto His wisdom He then unto them bestows a unique gift that not many see, or even discern; and that gift is simply a prelude to what is to come after; like a message or a gentle warning that reminds a Believer of what they might have become forgetful towards; that deeds will live on. That deeds outlive you, and in higher dimensions could literally overpower you. The warning is itself as mystic, and given you are a Believer who is well used to the art of reflection, it will cause you to wonder more in awe at all of it; and for me personally, a man who feeds on observation and reflection, I have intensely experienced it before, and my dear reader I hope you would relate.

The warning usually, and naturally, would come after you have exacted a bad deed, a sin, into your record. You have done wrong by someone, for example. You do it, you might mildly entertain some conscience numbing regret, so that eventually you are able to forgive yourself and forget about it. But that’s not how things work, do they. The deed is there. It is done. It is written. And so here comes a warning that is absolutely inspired by how eventually your deed will look like when you actually meet it in person, by actually meeting or experiencing something similar but in this life, and in this dimension. So the warning or the message is simply a minor version of your sins taking shape and directly impacting your life. Now, do you relate?

How grave your misdoing is, and how recipient you are to God’s gifts both determine the level of shape your sin shifts into (the more observant and the more fearing, the more recipient – it is a gift to see God’s gifts and so you have to have done more to be of merit).

I for one have seen my sins shift into actual brawny, immoral men wanting to confine me from my beloved. I have seen some of my sins come in the form of illness tearing through my and my family’s wellbeing; some in the form of people’s unsettling emotions or intentions towards me, unevoked by any logical reasons. I also started to correlate specific patterns with specific misdoings on my part, to the point where I almost predict how the sin will finally unravel, and sometimes with such accuracy that it becomes itself a reminder of the level of wrong I had done my soul.

In ruthless practicality, the moment you see the warning in its true light it becomes a responsibility; you are now tasked with correction rather than just reflection; and that is usually the test. You sin, you reflect and then you correct – Allah appreciates your perseverance and rewards how your regret is positive and practical since it is pushing you to be a better version of yourself; and is that not the entire purpose of this life and of His tests? For you to keep bettering yourself so that when you are there you are surrounded by your good deeds? Like great companions on your journey to meet Him? How pleasant on the mind is the thought? How light on the heart is the journey?

I am done with my post. Have you experienced this before? Doesn’t it make you wonder in awe about how this life works, and about the afterlife?

Do you see His mercy,

His Tests

Have you ever before felt that the worst thing that happened to you turned out to be the best thing that happened to you? In my recent years I have come to learn about some of the wisdom in God’s tests.

When Allah puts you through a hardship; it’s usually to straighten a path that you had chosen to bend. Through the hardship darkness engulfs you completely and you turn blind before any light; and then just when your chest starts to crack under its toll, light finds you. When it does, the hardship imprints itself unto you as a bad memory that you live to escape.

As time passes, however, you start to feel that you have changed. The trauma that was once so fresh fades away and steadily morphs into utter clarity; clarity of mind and at times restfulness of soul. It is heart wrenching; but at the spiritual level, it’s just peaceful really. You finally see that the hardship that you’ve gone through is something you’re grateful for, and that He who had put you through the test, had done so out of mercy.

There comes a time at times when the hardship does turn into the best thing that happened to you but not in this life, but there, by His side, in His light, in the companionship of those who never really wished to see the wisdom, as much as they wished to please Him no matter what.

And I wonder; will I ever be like this? Do I spend my days peaking at His wisdom or do I invest them in pleasing Him so that I learn it when I am before Him?

When I am in the light,

Book now available on Kindle

If you,

  • still read this blog (despite very lengthy hibernation periods)
  • are still interested in my writing
  • continue to like the fact that I once put what I’ve written here in a book
  • would like to read this book
  • have a Kindle device
  • would like to read it on said Kindle device
  • so far are not bored to death

Then you’re in luck! Because just today I got to publish the book on Kindle for purchase. On your Kindle device just search for “The Cashmere Scarf” title and you’re good to go.

Let me know if you face issues (or if you’re still here to start with, actually).

Cheers,

Father’s Passing..

توفي الوالد العزيز السبت اللي فات ٢٠ فبراير ٢٠٢١ بعد صلاة العصر و بعد ما قفلت معاه مكالمة تليفون ب ٥ دقايق بالظبط. مات فجأة و ذهب سريعا خفيفا يسيرا في الغسل و الجنازة و الدفن. رحمه الله و طيب ثراه. كل حاجة احساسها مختلف من ساعتها و كتابتي هنا احساسها مختلف تماما

الموت الفجأة موجع جدا و أعتقد مفيش منه تعافي خصوصا أما يكون الوالد العزيز رحمه الله – الواحد بيمر عليه سلسلة أحاسيس و مشاعر عمره ما حس بيها.

أنا أمي متوفاه و أنا ابن ١٦ سنة و ساعتها طبعا زعلت عليها بس سبحان الله المرة دي الوجع مختلف تماما. يمكن عشان كبرنا و يمكن عشان فقد الأب مختلف عن فقد الأم و يمكن عشان كنت صغير. كنت دايما متخيل في وجداني الإنساني القاصر ان طالما اتحرمت من أمي يبقى والدي ربنا هيطول في عمره – حاشا أن أملي على الله ما يدبر و ما يقدر و لكنه كان أمل من نظرة قاصرة للحياة الدانية.

كنت دايما بدعي لبابا ربنا يطول في عمره و يرضيه عني و يدخلنا الجنة – و بعدين بفكر دلوقتي في الدعوة دي و انها ما كانتش لبابا بس- هي كانت على حسابه و حساب راحته في الدنيا. ربنا سبحانه و تعالى قرر يسترده عنده و يريحه من مرض آذى بابا طول سبع سنوات. ربنا يعافينا و يعافيكم من أمراض القلب كلها.

دعوتي لم تستجاب و دا الخير لأنه كان على خير و لا أزكي على الله أحدا. عاش مجاهدا للبلاء و منفقا في سبيل الله و متوكلا على الله في أموره كلها فلن يخذله الله و لن يكله في الآخرة بإذن الله.

كل يوم بالليل بنام و نفسي أصحى تاني يوم من الأحداث دي كأنها كابوس عادي في ليلة صعبة بس بصحى أكتشف انه مش كابوس بل حقيقة مؤلمة و الحمد لله. أرجو من الله أن يهون علينا أنا و أهلي مع الوقت بإذن الله.

بس أهو الواحد بيشوف اد ايه الدنيا دي فعلا لا تساوي عند الله جناح بعوضة و اد ايه هي قصيرة و مليئة بالاختبارات و الابتلاءات. عسى الله أن يردنا إليه مردا جميلا غير مخزٍ و لا فاضح.

و أن يرحم الوالد العزيز رحمة واسعة تليق بجلال وجهه و عظيم سلطانه سبحانه. آمين.

اربط على القلب يا ربنا .. لا نقول إلا ما يرضي ربنا

How I Met my Wife – First Sight

My wife and I work for the same company. The company had 2 buildings with a big car parking in the middle. One day I left my office to attend to some HR matter in the other building, where her team and most of the important business functions were.

My best friend used to work for the same company too! He was in her team, located in the 3rd floor. This was a special floor because you could see the Giza Pyramids from there. I had messaged him saying I’ll pass by, and upon finishing with HR I rode the elevator to his office.

The project they were assigned at the time was a high profile defense thing and they had to be secluded in a separate office space, protected by an electronic door; which meant I had to give him a ring when I’m there so that he can come out. Their space was behind this large door and that was at the end of a long office hallway. I had arrived, given him a ring and while I was waiting in the hallway she and one of her colleagues returned to their office through the door. She swiped her ID and disappeared inside a minute or two before he emerged.

Clueless, this was the first time I saw my then future wife. The observation that crossed my mind then was simple, funny and fleeting: this building has more beautiful ladies in it and the bastard who’d just emerged is lucky! I know, a boys-will-always-be-boys facepalm, I know.

Now the mystic chain of destiny that has somehow connected this blog with her, the more mystic being the fact that I could only begin to trace its device in hindsight, started in the 2 second glance when I perceived her as a slender willow wand, clearer than water, a Tolkien likeness I have actually written about here before on how I had imagined my significant other. A likeness that had simply stuck with me every time I see it in real life. Giving me her side briefly in passing across that door, I could recognize her small stature in a red headscarf, a white top, and denim skirt. I faintly remember a dark toned cardigan of sorts, but I blame the delay in resurrecting these sweet memories for possibly missing out on this. I remember it because the collective of dark colors had somehow pronounced the bright skin tone on both her face, and a very shy ankle in between the safety of denim and colorful footwear.

She didn’t notice me, so this event had taken place many months before she even knew I existed. I was casual enough to bring my observations to my lucky friend’s attention, and to announce that I had wished I was part of his project. That afternoon, maybe after a quick lunch, I sauntered back to my office in the other building, completely oblivious of the fact that I had just seen my lovely wife for the first time ever.

Writing about this feels better than I expected it would feel,

—

On the rear view mirror I could see her huddled in the backseat, eyes wide open, watered with excitement, yet guarded by reserve, before she said: go on! What happened next?

Emotional Safety Box

Eve is from Adam. This isn’t just a fact narrated by religious text, but a premise of life. You can’t live without it. Its manifestations are emotional and physical, and people know that really well. We all know how a relationship between man and woman would have its emotional and physical intricacies, and literature on how to understand these couldn’t have been more ample.

In an attempt at novelty, let me try to highlight something that I have learned by practice; it does not fall under emotional or physical lights but rather empirical. This is the fact that one of the emotional needs of a woman is what I call the safety box concept.

A safety box is a kind of an emotional container, created by the man, that a woman can exist in on occasion. All feats of said container are in effect: it is isolated from its surroundings; significance of said feat lies in the fact that no influence on surroundings or by surroundings is allowed. It can be entered and exited freely, and it is private.

This concept is akin to the man cave concept coined by the infamous writer of Mars and Venus, but is still different. In the cave a man needs to let be (as in: physically let be – distance is required), while our emotional safety box, where a woman is, distance isn’t a requirement. The requirement is simply safety: safety from influence. Safety from consequence.

In the box a woman can do anything that she thinks is needed for her emotional integrity and recovery, but in the safety of knowing that the relationship itself is boxed out from such activity. By connection, the man himself should not be influenced either; in this situation the man is simply a supporting factor: he only provides the container and makes sure it meets its requirements: isolated, private and safe.

The man isn’t allowed to enter this container and distract the woman. He is also not allowed to build conclusions based on what happens inside this container. The paradox lies in the fact that this container is inside the man himself. To put it simply: he is it. He is this safety box.

Very few men master this. In religious text, our Prophet is cited demonstrating this feature in more than one occasion with his wives. In the Holy Text of Quran, you can see it clearly as well in some of the stories the verses narrate. Even when a man masters this art of containing a woman, consistency at it is even another challenge.

One thing observed for sure, success of relationships depend on this art. God Himself contains women and isolates them in his own religious safety when they shed each month. They are relieved from influence on their duties on a monthly basis, which also refers to what we alluded to above: consistency. Women need this on a constant and consistent basis. And God will hold a husband responsible for this.

So let her inside. Let her recover. You’ll feel that the container is rocking, the relationship is rocking, and you will be rocked as well, sometimes even shocked. But always remember: she needs safety. She’ll emerge recovered thanks to your calm winds. Don’t try to raid this feminine box, don’t try to thwart the storm inside with logic, the weight of consequence, or with accountability.

Only safety,