i Can Be Somebody

Something about the moment when you connect the dots, when something clicks, when you have an epiphany of why an event in your life occurred. I realized this need and desire for living more intentionally and deliberate. Where I can explain how each physical item in my life served a purpose and how my mind was focused on thoughts that were useful. I do not want to make money to live a life, I want to be able to build a life and make money to support that lifestyle. Connections and experiences should be the drivers in my life not the latest gadgets and decors in my house. I do not care for a mansion nor do I care for a luxurious car; I care for meaningful work and contribution.

I am done being a reaction of my life happening to me and I am ready to create the life worth living for me.

I was having dinner with my parents and my parents starting discussing finances. They told me my other two sisters had agreed to chip in and make monthly payments to help with family expenses (e.g. mortgage, insurance, groceries, car payments, etc.). Then they continued to ask me if I would be willing to help out with $1000. All these thoughts ran through my mind and can you guess what happened next? I broke down crying.

Why, you ask? The thoughts that raced through my mind was somewhat selfish reasons. I thought, “I want to help the family, of course, but how am I going to be able to support the family financially if I eventually want to support myself later on? Will I be able to invest in all the things I want if I am going to be held financially accountable for my family too? Will I ever be able to move out? Will I be able to have funds in my savings account?” I actually brought up all these questions and worries with my parents and surprisingly they took it really well. They were pretty understanding and patient with me. My dad told me that if I was going to help out, I should only do it if it comes from my heart. If I plan on constantly thinking about it and being resentful towards it then I just say it now. Obviously, it is not coming 100% from me because they were the ones that brought it up, but I do want to help.

The first time in a loooooong time, I felt like I was on the same page as my parents and it felt really really great. The power of effective communication, I tell ya.

I can be somebody that builds a lifestyle selflessly and selfishly. It is possible, I know it is.

How do you ever know what the right career moves are?

I have been racking my brain over a hypothetical career scenario with the possibility that it may or may not happen. Last week was my first week at my new job as an Industrial Engineering Intern. The week before my start date, my friend reaches out to me about a Data Analyst/Project Coordinator position. I have always had an interest in project coordination so I followed up and did an interview last Thursday and now I am waiting to hear back from HR.

If HR extends a job offer, do I jump ship at the job I literally just started or do I turn the job offer down?

IE Intern

Pros

• Job security and stability
• Lots of room for growth in the company
• Great benefits/401k
• Possibility of relocating for work
• Comfortable

Cons

• Not challenging
• I do not think it would be a fulfilling in the long run
• Tedious and repetitive work/boring
• Commute

Data Analyst/Project Coordinator

Pros

• Challenging
• Chaotic and fast pace/exciting
• Great stepping stone for next career move
• Fits  in with my interest
• Better pay

Cons

• Possibility of getting burnt out
• Company is not good for long term
• Will have to look for another job in the future

 

I just recently got an internship offer as the one I am currently in is wrapping up at the end of the month. I decided to end my current internship (this week) and begin my new internship (next week). There really is barely any time to rest, but I am totally fine with that because I hate being unproductive at home. Seems like great timing, seems like a great opportunity, and everything just seems great, right? Not quite. My family except for my older sister was never once happy for me. Not after I had one of the best interviews of my life, not after I was offered the position (not officially), and not after I was officially offered the position. Each time I gave my snippet of good news, I was followed up with a variety of questions and pleasant comments: “where else did you apply? They always say you did well after the interview. They say that to everyone. Have you applied to google and facebook? It’s only an internship? Go look for a fulltime, you just graduated. Do they offer pension? No? Why are you settling? You could probably find something better. Have you looked on the website of x company, y company, and z company? The manager said there’s barely any layoffs? Well, my friend got laid off there. No company can keep all the employees.” Should I keep going or have you had enough? I know I have.

The time I told them about how my interview went and did not get the reaction I was hoping for I broke down by myself in my bathroom. Granted, it was at the same time as my breakup so I was definitely emotionally unstable and very sensitive. My older sister found me in the bathroom and bless her soul, she tried to reassure me, “I’m proud of you. You don’t need their validation.”

The time I received an email from the Industrial Engineering Manager telling me the person in HR responsible for doing the hiring was out of office at the moment, but he would like to extend me the offer (unofficially) and I decided to keep it to myself. Until my dad kept nagging me: where have you been applying, have you heard back from the company, if they have not gotten back to you yet, that means they probably do not want you, check the sites for jobs at x company, y company, and z company so I finally spit it out. The company does want to hire me as an intern. For some reason, it still did not completely process with my family. Days go by and I am still getting the same questions and the same comments.

The time I got an official offer and told my family this would be my last week with this internship and I will be starting at my new internship next week. Still no reaction, still with the comments, and still with the suggestions of other companies.

Unfortunately, I really let this bother me. Internally, I never celebrated it as a success. I was so happy after the interview and after I told my family, I went from happy to just feeling like shit. I got the unofficial offer and was not as excited and after I told my family, I went from not so excited to feeling like shit. I got the official offer and was just whatever about it and after I told my family, I went from just whatever to feeling like shit. At least my family has consistency. That is always a good thing, right?

I can be somebody who can celebrate my own successes without the validation of other people and my family…right?

This ones a difficult one for me to completely believe.

It has been a while since I felt overwhelmed with such anger as I did yesterday. I got to thinking about who would know about my breakup since I had not told anyone I did not trust. Everyone I told, I told them not to say a word to anyone, but realized I did not say that to T. I braced myself. I made the connection that if T talks to J and J is B’s girlfriend and B obviously talks to my entire friends group, which means they would all know… I already could feel my heart beating and my body temperature rising extremely quickly, “T, did you tell anyone about my breakup?” She responds, “yes, J because she asked.” My blood started to boil and I was so close to losing it. I hate the feeling of people knowing my business or sharing my business when I was so intent on keeping it to myself.

This has always been an issue of mine. I realized significance and reputation is so incredibly important to me. T did not understand why I was so upset about other people knowing and she was telling me to just accept it. I was so heated, I was literally on the verge of tears. As ridiculous as that sounds it was because a shock of thoughts suddenly shot through my mind, “what are people saying? They are probably saying how I could not even make a relationship last longer than a few months. They are probably comparing me with the other couples that got together around the same time. They are probably talking so much shit….” Maybe they are. Maybe they are not. The fact of the matter is I have no control over that. I was telling myself how I make it such a point to keep the names of other people out of my mouth. I pride myself over the fact that I DO NOT gossip about other people. As a result, they should NOT be talking about me.

Here are two reasons why that way of thinking is so wrong: 1) I have no control over what other people talk about and 2) no one owes me anything. The moment I release myself of trying to control what other people know and do not know, I will rid myself of this unrealistic expectation. The decision to not gossip about other people is what I personally value, it is not necessarily something that someone else values and I have to understand that. Although I could feel my old habitual ways creeping up on me for a good 10 minutes, I remember telling myself “I do not have control over what people talk about. I’m over it”. Surprisingly, I was. This was the moment I did see my progress. I could feel my body temperature returning to normal and all the worry and things people could potentially be saying about me just disappeared. I am moving in the right direction, but I have so much work do to. So fucking much…

I can be somebody who understands what I can and cannot control and be okay with that.

Where do i even begin on the subject of the mind. I had a conversation with my sister this morning about how the part of our brain that creates emotions is not the same part of the brain that is responsible for language. This is why when people ask questions about how we feel or why something or someone makes us feel a certain way, we hesitate to answer. “Why do you love your spouse? Why do you love your job?” At first, there is hesitation because we cannot quite understand why we do, but then we start to turn towards logic to help us respond. “I love my spouse because he is kind, he is honest, he is compassionate, etc. I love my job because of the benefits, the hours….etc etc.” Sometimes we really just do not know why we feel a certain way. We just cannot put into words.

This thought made me realize where my love for music originates from. Music puts words to the emotions I am feeling. I can literally always find music that relates to how I am feeling right down to my mood, the lyrics, and the beat. I have the most difficult time communicating how I feel and a song can sometimes sum it up in the span of 3-4 minutes. Amazing. The power of music just blows my mind.

My oldest sister the other day was venting to me about her day and how she was just having a rough day. Then she looks at me and I guess she noticed that I was lost in thought (which I find myself doing a lot) and she asks me, “what are you thinking about?” I respond with, “oh nothing”. She follows up with “are you sure? If there is something on your mind you can talk to me. You can talk to me about anything, you know that”. I quickly respond with, “yeah, I know, but I don’t need to talk about anything. I’m just thinking about things just like everyone else”. She then interestingly says, “yeah, everyone does, but unlike most, you never talk about it”. I thought that was a little humorous because it is true. Unless something is bothering me like crazy and it is really just eating me up inside, I do not always feel the need to dedicate anymore of my time and energy on it. Whenever she vents about something, when she is retelling the story it is like she is reliving the moment and is getting emotional/heated all over. Which makes her a great storyteller and very entertaining. It is probably safe to say she is one of the best storytellers I know. However, she does hold on to little things and she does allow many external factors to affect her emotional state, which is something I am trying very hard to fight against.  Maybe the way storytelling for her allows her to release her frustration, that is what music does for me. I do not necessarily need to say it myself, but I let the words in a song flow through and allow myself to feel it.

I watched the Lady Gaga Documentary on Netflix today and before you laugh, it was actually quite interesting. There were so many takeaways that really got me thinking even after I was done watching. Throughout the entire documentary, she was so emotional. Little events to huge milestones in her career, she would just cry about everything. With a quick thought, she just seems like a typical emotional girl, but she mentions that singer/songwriters have to tap into very dark emotional places to write music. Although it is difficult, that is the only way to write truthful pure emotional music. Through the process of making music, she has to tap into her vulnerable emotional states and that is not something that can be easily turned on and off. She wears her heart on her sleeve and it is actually quite beautiful to see an individual live so openly and so vulnerably. Looks like a quick way to get your heart broken, but can you imagine the love you would attract too?

The mind is so interesting and so powerful and if we all just realized its potential, we could really get everything we want in life. Do you ever have a time when you are super frustrated with someone and then they ask you to go get something for them? Your mind becomes so fixated on how you are feeling towards that person and having to do them a favor when you really do not want to. When you go to look for that requested item, it could literally be right in front of you, but you are so angry you keep telling yourself, “I don’t know where it is. Where is it? I don’t see it. I have no idea where it is. Where is it?” The reality of it is you probably knew exactly where the item was and your eyes probably glanced over it several times, but without your mind wanting to see it, you never actually “saw it”. The power of the mind.

This is the reason why the stories we tell ourselves is so crucial. If we focus on our insecurities, negativity, and worries, that is all we will see. Let us see with our eyes and not our minds. What I mean by that is let us see life as it is and not through the blurred lens that is tainted with negativity and worry. Until we have changed our default mindset to be positive, secure, and mindful see what is in front of you. Be present and aware.

I can be somebody who views life as literally and unfiltered as possible.

You know what prevents the creation of building strong bonds between two people in a relationship? I think it is due to the fact that people do not take the time out to learn how people want to be cared for and how people want to be loved. We treat people the way we would like to be treated, not the way they want to be treated. We love people the way we would like to be loved, not the way they want to be loved. We deal with issues the way we would like to deal with issues, not the way they want to resolve issues. Until we understand the fundamentals of these aspects in a person, the concept of “love” in the relationship either will not last or it simply will not exist.

Time is effort. Effort is time. So the next time I find myself in a relationship, I can assure myself I will do everything I can to figure this out. Relationships are not about ourselves, it is beyond that. It is offering the other person the world with nothing in return. If two people are in love, the same would be reciprocated not out of expectation, but out of pure unconditional love. I want that. I will find it one day and when I do, it will be amazing.

I can be somebody who loves and holds nothing back.

I actually have not written a post in a almost a whole week. Which is probably why I have been feeling all these different emotions. I need to get my thoughts in order and write it out because I can feel the build up happening in my mind, my heart, just everywhere.

I ended up meeting up with my ex and from beginning to the end of the hangout it was as if nothing happened between us. It was not awkward at all and we were just joking and talking the entire time we were together. I said what I needed to say to him and we parted ways. Probably knowing it would be the last time we would ever see each other. I did not mind it at first. After I got home, I felt lighter. I felt like I got the closure I needed for myself (although we are not supposed to believe in that concept right?). The only closure we should know and accept is the fact that he left. That should be enough to move on right? In an emotionless ideal world, yes. That would be enough.

We met up last Thursday and today is now Tuesday so it has been 5 days since the meetup. As each day passes I have been missing him more and more. What is going on? Why am I moving backwards? I am getting so upset with myself for feeling this way. It makes me so sad and makes me feel so weak. I went back to having thoughts about it as if I had done all these things differently then we would probably still be together right now. I was negative and insecure and I never gave him the benefit of the doubt and I constantly thought the worst of him. Who would stay with someone like that?

I know I cannot change the past. I know I cannot change the way I reacted. I have to believe that things happen for a reason and the universe has a plan for all of us. All I can do right now and all I have control over is the way I can work on myself and improve in the aspects of my life that are not up to par. I do not have control over what happens in his life so why do I keep bringing myself down trying to guess how great he is doing without me? I have to remember my worth and all the great qualities I do have and can offer another person. If I am really truly trying to change, I need to be present. I need to aware and mindful of what is going on around me right now. Not what happened in the past and not what may or may not happen in the future.

I am here. I am writing on my blog. I am wearing black pants and a dark green silky blouse. I am sitting in my office at work. I am listening to Atlas Hands by Benjamin Francis Leftwich (one of my favorite artists to blog to). I just posted a picture from the Yellow Claw rave on Instagram and facebook. It is 7:05pm. I have my hair tied up. I am a little hungry. A coworker just popped his head in my office to check how I am doing. I literally do not even know what I am talking about at the moment. I am just humorously listing out everything I possibly could…but you know what? This is actually helping. It could be my 5 second rule that Mel Robbins is famously known for. Anytime I am overthinking or potentially getting upset or worried about something (knowing me) is probably insignificant, I can just start listing out my surroundings and things that are matter of fact in the moment. Instead of focusing on possible emotions or stories that I may be making up in my mind, I can observe the environment around me to take a moment to wait and understand what the best next step should really be.

I can be someone who is present and responsive rather than reactive to my environment.

I am not sure what is going to happen in the future. I do not know if this is the only time we will meet up or where our friendship will go, but I just wanted to say this. You were my first boyfriend and although I feel pretty secure on my own, I did not know how to be in a relationship. I was constantly scared I was going to lose you so I acted on my every insecurity, worry, and negative thought. I guess self fulfilling prophecy because I did end up losing you. I may not have showed it at the time, but I just want you to know I was so grateful for you and the time we did have together. I am so sorry I made you unhappy because that was never my intention so no hard feelings?

Inside Joke: I guess I was right there up with the redheads and strippers. haha

I have decided to start meditating every morning. From what I have been reading and the videos I have been watching, it provides tremendous positive health benefits. Today was day 2 of this new morning routine. I started out with 3 minutes yesterday and increased to 5 minutes today. Studies say about 10-20 minutes of meditating at least once a day should allow you to reap the benefits.

As I am meditating, I focus on my breath: breathing in (imagining I am breathing in white air) and then I breathe out (imagine I am breathing out black smog with all the toxins and toxic thoughts taking space in my mind). Then I repeat in my mind on each count, realize, learn, and let go. Breathe in, “realize”, hold my breath, “learn”, and breathe out, “let go”. I just do the same thing over and over until my phone timer goes off.

To be completely honest, I am not entirely sure if I am doing it correctly. I will have to keep reading up on meditation and watching self-improvement videos, but I can appreciate just the act of trying.

I can be somebody who incorporates mindful practices into my daily routine to ensure I can stay positive, grateful, and internally sound.