Many thanks to a dear friend for taking one of my photos, one of my favourite quotes, and creating this for me. If anyone ever needs the service of a graphic designer, let me know.  I’ve got the girl for you.

On Monday I realized.  I realized that after a year and a half of the best terms possible, and after a few months of not talking, for no reason other than there was no need, Jay has eliminated me from his life.

What was the sequence of events?  He looked after my cats at Christmas.  He brought me a Christmas present.  In January, he brought me a birthday present.  He stopped by another time in January to drop something off, and stayed for 2.5 hours.  We had a conversation about what was going on in my life, and what was going on in his.  He told me I really was his best friend, that he doesn’t have conversations with anyone the way he does with me.  He apologized for not being a better friend in recent months, that maybe he could have helped numb the pain of a few things I had gone through, maybe he could have helped me feel supported.  He admitted he finally told his mother about some of the things that happened in our relationship.  Particularly about how he wasn’t there during all of my cancer testing and procedures, and how he realized how badly he had dropped the ball.  He stopped by in February to pick up pies I had made for him and his dad.  And that was about it.  We haven’t connected since then, save a few one liner texts, because there was just no need to.  We were fine.  We had morphed into the most amicable, understanding place we ever would.  Connection to each other wasn’t necessary, we knew we were around, we knew we were well, and we knew we would see each other at social events.  There didn’t need to be anything in between.  Plus, there would always be things I would never forgive him for, so I was making a conscious decision to not reach out to him.

Throughout this chain of events, he met someone.  She’s not the first person he’s dated since we ended things, but she’s the first he’s making a go with.  She met his family in early March.  She’s the same age as he is.  Admittedly when I saw her facebook, and how splashy she was with their relationship on his, I thought she was either an insecure personality, or a high maintenance one.  I settled on high maintenance, and hoped he would be careful since he is financially far more than stable.  I didn’t talk to him about her, I assumed he would broach the subject close to the next social gathering.  That was our agreement – to let the other person know the situation before an event, to save any awkward “oh, I didn’t know” moments.  We had joked many times about “when you find a girlfriend who doesn’t want me in your life anymore”, but he assured me that would not happen – he would not let it.

And then he did, with no warning.

When I realized, I reached out to him to find the story.  I was surprised he hadn’t said a word before cutting me out of his life.  I wouldn’t have expected more than “I’m sorry but this is the situation, I hope you understand and things can be ok at social events”.  Instead, I received an after the fact reply to my email, stating “remember when we discussed what I would do when I was seeing someone else? Well, that’s what’s happening.  Turns out I was naïve to think everything could go on like nothing ever happened.  This is something done for my relationship”.  It turns out my assumption of high maintenance was wrong; insecurity for the win.

I was upset there was no warning, simply because that’s not how we ever operated.  We were always open and honest.  I did write back, letting him know that I was sorry she wasn’t handling his having a past life very well, but that past life will exist all the same.  That I hope for his sake, she can become more secure in their relationship, because we have joint connections and will continue to cross paths.  I pointed this out for a very particular reason.  You see, not only has he removed me from his life, but he has removed everyone who comes with me.  My family and friends from home (understandable that they would go in the wake of the elimination of me), but also our friends here who are more my core group, but who he actually knew for years before I did.  I wanted it to be clear that I would not be cutting ties with the people I have made relationships with in his core group – his situation will not dictate my life changing.  His situation is not my problem.  It’s taken me 31 years and numerous heart aches to get to the confident place I am in – someone who hasn’t made it there yet will not undo my years of work.

So, that’s it.  The end to the most amicable break up ever.  It’s unfortunate it had to go this way, but that’s the only feeling I have about the situation.

Well, I’ve taken the plunge.  I decided last week that I needed to enter the world of online dating if I had any chance of meeting someone.  I just don’t get out anymore, and meeting the guy in the grocery store doesn’t seem to happen nowadays.  Last Monday I took a breath and created my online profile.  It wasn’t easy – I’m not a fan of the online dating world and it’s lack of rules and decency.

I had numerous men contact me quite quickly, but on Thursday there was one who sent a fantastic opening message.  I wrote my profile in a way that would give a hook – something easy for a man to contact me and ask for more of the story.  This guy did exactly that.  He offered some details about himself too, which made it very easy for me to respond to him.  On Friday we ended up sending messages back and forth all day – messages that were so long, the dating site was cutting them off and making us send multiple at a time!  By the end of the work day he had given me his number to text him.  We texted, literally, non stop all evening.

By Saturday it felt like we knew each other.  We both had busy days planned but he touched base in the morning, then we texted during the early evening.  We also had a 20 minute conversation on the phone that evening.  He sounded kind, and had a nice voice.

Sunday I had more plans, but we did send a few texts back and forth.  When I returned home that afternoon, it was much the same as the days before – non stop chatter back and forth.  I wanted to meet him, but knew he had an exam and interview for a new position on Tuesday, so I waited.  Wednesday morning, we decided to meet today for drinks.

At that point the panic set in.  Would he be what I thought he was?  Had he represented himself fairly?  I haven’t gone on a date in years, and have a very difficult time meeting people in a personal setting.  Hello terror!  On the other hand, colleagues and friends were ridiculously excited and thought this was a fantastic thing.  They provided some pep talks and sent me on my way for the post work drink date.

My date chose the location.  I was expecting a bar, but he chose a restaurant.  We got there at the same time, and he suggested food as well.  We ordered a few apps to share and each ordered a drink.  Although I was terribly nervous, I put as much effort in as I could to try to appear calm.  I also pushed my limits on generating personal conversation.  There were a couple brief lulls, but we both took turns filling them in.  I got the impression he might be slightly nervous as well.

When the waiter asked about our bill, my date requested one without hesitation.  We talked for another 30 minutes or so and then he took out his wallet.  I grabbed the bill before he could pay however, I was determined to cover the bill.  He’s taken so many steps – he was the first to contact, he’s put a lot of effort into maintaining contact, and organized the date.  It was the least I could do (but I was met with protest).  We talked for awhile longer then decided we should leave.

He walked me to my car, said it was nice to finally meet me, and gave me a hug.  He said he would be picking up the bill next time, then we went our separate ways.  We were together for around 3 hours.

So, the verdict?  He was so kind.  He seemed very genuine, and I really enjoyed getting to know him further.  He was dressed very well – he has a great job downtown and looked the part.  Great hair, and I found him cuter than the photos he had provided online.  He’s a little old fashioned when it comes to dating, he took the lead on several things – I actually really appreciate that type of dating.  At the end of the day, I had a really great time and hope we do it again.  Next time maybe it won’t be so scary.  Cross your fingers for me 🙂

The greatest prize I got in the lottery of life was freedom to make my own errors and my own sadnesses instead of the ones enforced upon me. Nothing else is worth a candle.
Linda Grant

There have definitely been some sadnesses going on lately, but I haven’t been up to chatting about them for various reasons.  I’ll check in soon, hopefully with some non-sadnesses. ❤

I’ve grown up going through phases of what peaks my interest musically. I started with country (parent’s influence), moved to pop/dance, there was the obligatory Alanis Morrisette phase, back to country in college with a good dose of rap and pop mixed in, and settled on light rock/alternative as my drug of choice.

I have to admit I’ve seen some fantastic shows. Live music does something to you that recorded never will. My first concert was actually Julian Austin and Natalie McMaster, but I’ve moved on to the likes of Muse, Kings of Leon, a few rounds of Osheaga, The Airborne Toxic Event, Elton John, and so many others. This past weekend I even checked out a few younger local bands at a venue in Wakefield – it was fantastic!

While I was home for Christmas though, I had a realization. A few recent updates to my iphone seem to have made it touch and go with my car’s Bluetooth functionality, so I decided to tune into the local radio stations to keep myself entertained. The station in Miramichi has been revamped numerous times in an attempt to keep it alive, and currently it’s 99.3 The River, a country playhouse.

While listening to the notes and verses for several days, it hit me – I will always love country music. Not all of it, there’s a good portion I can definitely do without. But the love songs, oh the love songs! It’s safe to say when a man sings about a woman in a country song, it will make me melt. Those men know how to see a woman in my opinion (and hey, I’ve never had a problem with a cowboy hat!).

I’ve often wondered where my belief in love comes from – my parents weren’t the lovey dovey types so I’ve never assumed it was from watching their relationship, but I believe strongly in old world romance. Open the car door for me, take me for a nice supper where I’m in a dress and heels, bring me flowers every now and then, take me on a sleigh ride – I want it all. Maybe in the end, it’s country that gave me that, who knows. What I do know is my playlist is expanding. Diversity is never a bad thing 🙂

To date, birthdays haven’t scared me. I’m warned to prepare for 35, apparently it’s a tough one (But that’s ok because AB from the ATeam has offered on several occasions to talk me through it!). This month I happily turned 31.

I’m someone who believes birthdays matter. If you invite me to yours, I will do my best to be there. I always want to do something special for my birthday and this usually boils down to a group supper. With all of the expense from the holidays though, I figured I’d give people a break from the commitment this year and celebrate a different way.

The day started solo, with a trip to Service Ontario to renew my driver’s license, health card, and plate tags. A little pricey way to start the day, but a necessary evil all the same (and I was more than happy to get rid of that terrible OHIP photo! Here’s hoping my new photos will be pieces of ID to be proud of). After that, I had a return to make at a store in Orleans. While making my way up the hill, I remembered there was a bakery halfway to my destination and decided to treat myself to a cake –why not?! I haven’t had an actual birthday cake in years.

I left the shop with the baker’s recommendation, and proceeded to the next store to make my return. Deciding I didn’t want to head home yet, I wandered into a sports store next door where I found snowshoes on sale. I’ve wanted to try them for years, but most friends already have them so I was shy to ask them to let me tag along when I would need to hold them up by renting a pair. At the sale price though, I’m set! Happy birthday to me 🙂

Next I headed for lunch with J&R, who left their new addition with her grandparents to enjoy some adult time (which wasn’t necessary, but lovely – maybe even more for them than me!). We had some good laughs and delicious pho, a winning combination.

I ate cake in the afternoon, had a nap, and then got dressed to head out in the snowstorm. I had tickets to a play at the NAC called Alice Through the Looking Glass. One of the first women I met when I moved to Ottawa (thanks, French class!) was meeting me for the evening. The NAC is one of my favourite things to do in Ottawa – I love going to broadway shows and plays, and always use it as an excuse to get a little (or a lot!) dolled up. What better way to spend my birthday night??

The show was fantastic, even if the auditorium was only half-filled due to the storm (it was a doozy!). So many laughs, bubbles, and even some parachuting jelly beans. It was a can’t lose situation!

Although none of the day’s activities were overly spectacular, they all felt happy and peaceful. I wouldn’t change anything I did that day, it was a perfect way to greet 31. Here’s hoping the year brings a little magic 🙂

Willard Suitcases

If you’re in need of a good laugh, this is great!